How can I be healing and hurting at the same time?

though your tears sink through my phone,

oh I wish you were with me,

where you felt at home.

your pain lifted,

your hurt shifted.

i would carry some weight,

for i don’t wish to see you in this state.

i have never seen you cry,

the emotions continuing to multiply,

let me take some weight, let me lift it to the sky.

for you are a simple boy,

trapped in a complex world,

my only wish is to see you restored.

the autumn leaves fall,

the winter wind stings,

much like your pain and sorrow.

i wish that you could take a piece of my soul, only for awhile, just to borrow.

you are a thousand stars up in the sky,

your emotions have you tied.

and much like the tears that soak through my phone,

i open my arms, welcoming you home.

when I was asked to talk
about my trauma,
I opened up again and
let the words spill out.

I didn't tell them how
badly it burns when
they come back up.

I talked about depression,
about feeling alone,
about attempting suicide.
I talked about deaths
and pain and everything
that I have witnessed.

and then I began to
talk about my assault,
and the men who still
haunt my dreams.

I started by saying,
"the first time I was *****..."

I paused there.

I realized I said
"the first time"

meaning there was
more than one time.

there was more than
one hospital visit,
more than one police report,
more than one court case
that went nowhere.

there is more than one
****** still walking free,
living his life and not caring
that he ended mine.

I said it so ******* casually,
the same way you'd make
small talk about the weather.

I said it like it was normal.

I suddenly felt nauseous.
I needed to spit out more
than just my words.

I spent the next hour
hunched over a toilet bowl.
I think that my body was
trying to ***** the memories
out of my system.

I said it like it was normal.

I said it like it was
an everyday occurrence,
like it's something
you hear about daily
and no one bats an eye.

I said it like it was normal.

I felt so sick, like
I had been poisoned.
I climbed into bed and
didn't get up for days.

I said it like it
was ******* normal,

and the worst part was
when I realized it is.

I am addicted to
rough *** and masochism.

I used to be addicted
to self-harm.

I learned to live without the feeling
of a blade against my skin,

but now I need the feeling
of warm hands against my skin
where my blade used to be.

I'm not recovering.
I'm still hurting myself.
all that changed is the weapon
that I choose to do it with.

I’m so tired
of feeling so tired

I don’t know if I feel happy anymore,
but sometimes I don’t feel numb
and I call that happiness.
it’s more peace than happiness.
it’s more of a relief.
in these moments, I feel something
and I know that I’m still alive.
I must be alive
if I can still feel
…right?

when I get asked about my scars
and how I could possibly do something
so cruel to myself,
I want to say that
when I did it,
it wasn’t cruel.
I wasn’t trying to die.
I was trying to remind myself
that I’m not dead yet.

I’m a writer.
I’m supposed to be good with words,
and I am.
so why can’t I tell you how
I’m really doing?
why do I keep saying “I’m fine”
when I’m anything but fine?
why can’t I find the words to express
this feeling?

no,
it’s not a feeling.
it’s the lack of a feeling.

I haven’t learned
how to explain this yet.
I’ve spent years leaving and entering
this numbness,
over and over.
I think I’ve spent more time in it
than out of it.

I didn’t learn much, but
now I know that

the only thing worse
than feeling pain
is feeling nothing.

And I'm hurting
And I'm collapsing in on myself
And I just don't want to hurt you

I want to shield you
From a world you're accustomed to
I want to protect you
From things that you've already seen

Because maybe you've been around the world a thousand times
And maybe you've already been cut into pieces
But I haven't
And maybe
Maybe you're the one protecting me

Clasping my hands with yours when I get nervous
Holding me close and hugging me till I want to breathe again

So please, let me stand in front of you
I'll take the brunt of the blow
And I'll know you'll be there to catch me

Mirror mirror on my wall
Who is the loneliest of them all
I search far and wide for the loneliest
And I find many but none as lonely
As you my lady
Shattered is your soul
Broken is your heart
You search for love
But cannot seem to find it
You search for the light
But you cannot seem to hold on to it
You have given in to the darkness
The darkness that hides your pain
The darkness that keeps your secrets
The darkness that's always there
Unlike the light you seek
The mirror on my wall
Has spoken I'm the loneliest of them all