i imagine people
bundled up in grief
of words that they have carried over years—
of things that could not become theirs
of the beings they could have been,
had the world been a bit easier

pain, so pretty

i see them as bundles,
carrying ropes twisted around their guts,
visibly being mocked by all those
who roam light and agile in their lives
the ones adding to that burden

the grief-added mind
carries us so drifted and quick
almost floating through life
but what of the drowning
that this heart undergoes

having shattered so many times,
it has lost all the hopes
and so it gets filled up to the brim
leaks out, seeps into—
and the skin so tender and bruised,
everything cuts a little too deep

sleep is a cacophony

i think i peeked inside the wiring of my brain
for a couple of seconds today
you know it is like—
there is a hole at the very centre
that has a very solid boundary
the outer layer has got hooks and daggers
and things pinned and across

but what is the worst
is the chains and ropes surrounding it
holding that part in the very middle,
at the very centre
and every time they twist and pull,
it does not hurt
but the ache goes a bit numb

and it feels so numb
that sometimes i want to
drown in burning water,
stand under the coldest shower,
eat molten lava,
or consume ice until my mouth burns
just to feel something—at the very least

and it has existed forever
but on days that are hard
it gets ugly
sears in its loneliness
like a deep hollow
resounding with the echoes
of a whale in the ocean

pain so beautiful
so undeterred, unspoken
a telltale so enchanting
it brings you in, soaks you deep
leaves you ragged,
with nothing to sleep with
except for constant nightmares
or even worse—
the dull ache in your existence

yet pain so pretty
because it makes you feel.

because to be honest,
i did not know where to start
no beginning, then how could it end
what do you mean pain is constant?
but when it heightens,
something in my brain hits just right
and i turn into the next be-****** poet

this time it is a mess of stuff—
like things piled up in the corner of your room
and overlooked for long enough
except one day you are trying to find something in them,
sort of like something to balance you
but instead it triggers you
and you realise you are just lost

it outs me,
and puts me in a spot
one that i oh-so
despise to talk about

I was always in such a rush
to find the trick behind it all.
I wanted to understand
how ants divide labor, and
how vacuum cleaners **** dust.

I wanted someone
to pat me on the shoulder and tell me: -congratulations,
you cracked the code-
it’s all downhill from here.

I looked for answers
in text books, YouTube,
Late night debates
with my smartest friends
in the parking lot
of that Burger King no longer exists,
Feminist slam poetry
with a bunch of middle class revolutionaries,
Recorded post-modern philosophy classes, and every
self
help
book out there.

I listened to all the theories,
read all the arguments.
stitch them into
a patchwork blanket /
theory of everything.

But I still can’t explain:
- Why I wake up on this bed all alone?
- What took you out of my arms?
- How did we drift 855km away?
- When will it all make sense?
- What is all this ******* pain for?

Can someone please tell me.

My fingers unfold the truth
on a late night poem
in a different country
than my own–
between two black cars
a street light,
wine,
beer,
and
hard drugs

untold white lies
        
        Do you know what's really hard?

         Trying to make something beautiful or ugly
          out of a lie.
      
            This is me now
talking to the reader
or probably talking just to myself:
                   There's a hole in the Earth of me
                   my tooth has a cavity
                   I have a man
                   who can't keep
                   the truth in his pants
his mouth
gets real happiness
when he can bend
what's real and what
he wants me to know
which takes away any real
chance at happiness
                                             the only real
                                             way I can
                                             find out the lies
                                             is by picking
                                             up pennies
                                             that lead down
                                            a trail
                                             to girls,
                                                     coke,
                                                        hash, and
                                                         attention
                                                           seeking,
                                                     rocks
                                                 and a hard
                                              place.

There I go again
trying to make
poetry
out of tears,
and an untrusting heart.

                                   He makes
                                 amazing poetry.
                               about nights he's lied
                             keeping it hidden
                         in metaphors
                      and grandiose statements
while I applaud and like each write.
                
                          I'm ******* stupid
                         that's probably why
                         he says he likes
                         me as much as he does

You think about
the times
when your gut told you so
or the other times
when you ate it up
like drinks and fine dining

                              Now you forget to smile
                             and things you wouldn't
                             think would connect dots,
                             begin to.

My breast hurt
and I feel a panic attack
is at the bottom of this bottle of beer

Now I can say
I didn't make a poem
cause these are just words
on a page

I should have left.
That first moment,
when my heart convulsed.

But i was stubborn,
I didn’t.
I stayed.
I had to know.
I had to risk it.

The body knows,
before the mind does.

Some truths whisper first,
shatter later.

There's an ant on my window, it smelled something sweet
Has he ever faced heart break? Does she know about defeat?

There's an ant on my window, and he has many friends
Do you think that they're talking? Are they talking about me?

There's some ants on my window, and I'm watching them go,
Each of them together working in a synchronized flow

Her bracelet broke once she let me go,
I thought it was a sign
The necklace she gave me split a little after
Once I thought maybe she was mine
Now we're drifting faster and faster
Though I knew she was gone...

I held on

his name is a jumble of triangles,
circles and squares
when she wrote it on the first page
of the notebook meant for
her
    
she looked at him
a tray of seasoned fries shared
some old song in the back
singing about love;
of course he would know
    
he would crack a joke
a brief smile meant for her
she wanted to understand it
but she laughed, she was
laughing with him
    
endlessly the sound
replayed, over and over again
before she slipped into bed
and dreamt of a world
they live happily ever after
    
shy & quiet, she was
and he was everything
but
    
again and again
she wanted to know
if he felt the same
so hurry &
don’t leave
hug her before you go

Si no me encuentras donde solía esperarte,
no pienses que me fui;
tal vez me perdí buscándote en mí mismo.

He sido un mapa sin rutas,
una brújula herida por el norte de tus ojos,
y aun así, caminé.
Caminé con la esperanza
de que el eco de tu voz
algún día me guiara de vuelta.

No quise ser eterno,
solo inolvidable.
No quise que me amaras para siempre,
solo que no me olvidaras tan fácil.

Si no me encuentras,
búscame en las cosas pequeñas:
el silencio entre dos canciones,
el respiro antes de una lágrima,
el temblor leve cuando alguien dice tu nombre.

The autumn rain is falling
    Like teardrops from mine eyes;
I cannot help recalling
    With sobs and lingering sighs
               My Fugliana.

The days returning never,
    The golden days of yore,
I thought would live forever,
    Yet gone fornevermore
               Is Fugliana.

With rue my heart is laden;
    L'amour peut être amer.
Nor any rose-lipt maiden
    Was e'er so fair as fair
               Fair Fugliana.