I am bisexual. I am sure of that.
I've been sure of it for quite some time now.
I came to realize something.
If I end up with a woman I am going to embrace the essence of everything that's broken and ****** up about me and claim it as my own and let it define my identity.
Now don't get me wrong that doesn't mean it's gonna be a sad life or that my female partner will make me miserable.
No!
We will have lots of amazing and breathtaking moments and happy yellow days.
But there will always be some gray in the corner of my vision.
Gray will never leave.
All of my depth will forever be in the back of my mind.
And depth requires some darkness.
But I will be fully me. Real me. A picture frozen in time.

However, if I end up with a man I will probably abandon my depths and my grays.
I will forever be feeling like some part of me is missing but I will be leading a whole new life which will be about learning to love myself and nothing will ever be broken.

Do I even make sense?
What does that say about me?

it was raining
but only in my head
everything was gray
everything was like an autumn

summer is gone
today was his last day
met an old friend
nothing changes and goes

played piano
quietly and almost silently
I looked at the sea
it merged with the sky

31.08.18

Here I am, with the same energy as when I first met you.

You wanted to bury me so many times.
You said  last time that I was  too young to hangout with you.

And so you were at war with your mind because of it.

We met in summer.
 In that bar where I used to sing Blues.

You tried to look for me in others, but nobody has what I have.

The free spirit, the contagious energy of the 70's and the poetry in the eyes

So many times I lost myself in your kisses.
I felt so alone without you around.

You are so charismatic, you are  so involvent.
 I tried to remember when our souls met...
While I  caressed your gray hair.

Ecsaty was what you called me.

I lived high and alone.

You asked me so many things  that night.
If I was happy to  live ...

Are you afraid of die?
Are you afraid to scream?
Are you afraid to give in?

 All the questions were answered when I kissed you.
Your skin on mine.
 I like to feel it.

While you played guitar and sang blues.
You said I deserved diamonds, wreaths and serenades.
I could not contain myself when you were with me.
It was so clear that you were the one for me.

Put your hand on my waist.

 Every time you tightened my waist, your desire for me increased.

I could feel your breath catching.
You took off my clothes and I took yours.
And you almost have a heart attack.

Because you find yourself admiring my  naked and wet body.
You said that I was a fascinate young woman.
My moans were like a song to you
 You got lost in the sound of my moans.
You were lost in my body.

 I smelled young spirit .
You said that I made you dream so high.
See the universe you could explore in my body.
Being able to touch me and to achieve what only you can.
You said I was magnetic, I had something that reminded you of freedom and made you want to live.
Every time you moaned I felt alive.
You spoke in my ear that that you liked when I was wild.
 I can not imagine how this moment can someday become a forgetfulness

But life with you makes more sense.
Every time our souls met, it was an intense moment.
When I am with you, I can not find direction in my heart.
 I am lost
Lost in you.

You said it was our last night tonight

Are you going to leave me again?

 Do you want to start a fight between your heart and your mind again?

 Are you not tired of your rollercoaster of emotions?

All I know is that you don't want to say goodbye.

Blue skies in Arizona
a ruthless sight to behold
akin to cool tides on an icy cold beach

Days of gray were my rays of sunshine
a heat box detox I dreamed of at one time

Now they seem transient
pallid, sad, and haphazard
since they’re a habit in Boston
no longer a reward to wait for

I hope somewhere it’s clear with clouds every now and again

A lone gray cloud
in an ocean of blue
surrounded by patches
of rolling white foam
just looking for
a shoulder
to cry on

Gray clouds fill the sky while you watch them become a gray blur
The smell of rain still lingers in the air
You're surrounded by barren trees
And dark pavement
For once your mind is silent, numb
Just appreciating the moment
While content paces through each vein in your body
You can hear the sound of cars in the distance
But they never get close enough to ruin the illusion
The peace
And everything feels soft
Whether it be jagged rocks or splintered tree trunks
Your mind can't tell where reality ends and your thoughts begin
And the moment stays with you all day
Whether or not you stay in the moment,
It lingers.

i'm dark
and white

i'm sun
and rain

everyday so

one madness
and terror

i'm black
and gray

i'm hero
and fiend

everyday so

one madness
and terror

18.05.18

White world and white - black
White in my mind and eyes
White killing a white
Black killing a black'


World becoming a white
World becoming a black
World becoming a light
World becoming a dark


I'm going on the black
In going of the white
I'm going on the red
In going on the gray

World becoming a white
World becoming a black
World becoming a light
World becoming a dark

23.11.17