I will write these words with all that I have, and I will beg for your sake and not mine to be let down time and time again, to fall forty feet and hit the concrete until it's dyed red. I am not a delicate human, I am not someone who can sit still, I will fill my lungs and body with fire and desire, I will **** the good to spite the bad and beg the good to come back,
baby come back.
I don't want to be like the one I hate, I don't want to hurt everything in the way of me, I don't want to be a selfish broken thing, I don't want to be this, but I am scared, and very few care to hear that because I've said it for years, and I know how exhausting it must be to try to heal me.
But I never ******* asked for your attempts.
It's exhausting to see the sun and acknowledge it's presence, how you wish it could make you feel. It's exhausting to feel your chest close off and your lungs collapse for minutes at a time because something isn't going right, it's exhausting to refuse love and induce yourself into a numb coma of emptiness and lies and black voids for words. Everything I say means nothing, for I am empty, I am empty until I get stung. I get stung and I am scared.
I am scared to feel, I am scared to love.
I am so ******* scared to love anyone.
I am scared to be left.
I am just scared.
I am so scared and it is nauseating.
I **** up,
I make mistakes,
I am unreeling and I am learning
and I am young
and I am exploding
and trying and wanting
and I am also so haunted.
I don't know how to fight off my demons unless it evolves unspeakable things, but I sure as hell know how to summon them too constantly, I sure as hell know how to play with them and make them love me, I know how to manipulate them to where they don't want to leave.
I'm scared they never will.
I don't want to be saved,
I want to drown, I want to fall, I want to escape.
I want to be resurrected by your hate.
I want to be love in a really ugly place.
I don't need this. I never did.
I am sorry for being this way but love,
I'm not sorry for being me.