so this is how it goes -
bring me up high,
and pull me down slow.

i'm only human -
take it easy on me,
this roller coaster makes me weak.

let's face the truth -
these nights are fluid,
our smiles glare from inside the picture frames.

don't be afraid of the future -
holding you close as i need to,
breaking apart is a need to.

droplets of water touches my revealed flesh,
sliding down until it reaches the end and drops onto the ground beneath my feet
i can no longer ignore the heaviness in my chest as the rain pours onto me and you come into view
my eyes glass over and soon the tears mix with the rain, and
the wracking of my shoulders begin
i entangle my arms around myself as if i can keep my broken self together somehow
my eyes wander to you and you unfold your arms, holding them straight out for me to run into
without my permission, my legs start moving on their own towards you and suddenly, i'm wrapped in your warm arms,
my ear on your beating heart,
t                         t
h                        h
   u                       u
     m                     m
        p                     p

you place a feathery kiss on my temple and i close my eyes, savoring this moment
my short quick breaths could still be heard as the tsunami coming out my eyes still wreck my face and you stand there,
softly tapping your fingers on the small of my back, slowly calming me down until my breathing becomes regular
and the tears come to an end, but we still stand there
embracing each other, encased in each other's scent
silently speaking unspoken words

so here I am
bottling up my feelings again
pretending I have nothing to say again
for fear that we'll get into a fight again
a fight over something ******* stupid again
          it's always ******* stupid
I can only hold so many of my feelings in
before I explode,
before I unload,
before another episode
I guess I should just bottle it all up, right?
push it down, shove the cork in tight
          blow it up with dynamite
                  * * * * * * * * *
those late nights
when we fight
& our demons intertwine
where the monsters come out to play
& the devil bites into your brain
it makes you insane
          *lovers' quarrel:
          your own personal brand of Hell

Baby blame it all on me. I'll take your pain, I'll set you free.
I don't care about the facts, just pin it all upon my back.

We can stay up and fight all night, I'll say I'm sorry, turn out the light.
And then I'll cry until I can't, but I'll take credit for the rants.

I'm the **** up, I'm the problem, and I'm sorry that I can't solve em.
But I'll try, and I'll say. That's it's alright, you're okay.

It wasn't you, it's just me. I'm the problem, can't you see?
So then you'll blame it all on me.

But I'll take your pain, if it'll set you free.
So I let you blame it all on me.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry for being an idiot
I'm sorry for being rebellious
I'm sorry that I'm not who you have always thought I would be.

I'm sorry that was you see in me,
Is not what's true.
I'm sorry that I'm a failure
I'm sorry that I'm lazy
I'm sorry that I'm a disappointment.
And don't say I'm not,
You're not allowed to.
Not if you think these things in your head.
Even if it only happened once.
It counts.

You say these things in your head,
And I'm sorry that I have to tell you that they transfer into your words.
Your tone.
Your eyes.
You don't have to say it for it to be true.
You don't have to say anything ever.

So I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm so rebellious and terrible.
I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you thought I would be.
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry.
But have you noticed?

The more I say I'm sorry
The less true it is
And the less it means to you.

We've both taken too much time to say sorry.
BOTH of us.

Don't blame it all on me.
And I won't blame it all on you.
We are both at fault.

But it doesn't matter.
Because even if you DO read this,
You won't say anything.
We're both really good at going behind each other's backs.

I'm sorry I'll never be who you want.
But that's fine.
Fine to me. Your son.
Because I was never gonna be who you wanted anyway.

All it takes is a moment
A fuddled mistake
All that it takes to turn love to hate
And you don't want to own it
All that it takes is some words
Doesn't matter how or what is said
Any syllable can mean the sword
And you yell and you scream till you're dead
But who was to blame in the end?
No not just you, though you did contribute
Both needed wounds to be tended
But instead chose to ransack and loot.
A jab here
A hook there
Towards the heart a knife nears,
No, not a knife, a dagger
In a cycle of mistrust
Who started it? Does it even matter?
No, the only fact is that communication at the moment is a bust.
Words explode and you only slide further down this impossible to climb ladder.
You focus on splinters instead of climbing,
They focus on the way you climb, not that you're climbing
If neither focuses on the climbing then what's the point of trying?
If neither wants to truly speak their mind,
Will both be forever blind?
All it takes is some words
And maybe an action.
Too lost in the playing of swords....
Want to go home, but, where is home anymore?
Just a simple string of words is all it takes
To turn love to hate.

The urge to call
and ask them why
and ask for forgiveness
and ask for an apology
and begging
and abusing
and finally cutting the call
and switching it off
and deleting their number
from your cell
and eventually from
memory.