Decay, degenerate
Rot in hell from all this hate
Lessen, languish, lower, regress
Back to when I was a mess
Sink, slide, undermine
I don’t think I was ever fine
Fade, fail, fall apart
I wasn’t “okay” from the start.

to fall in love again
to forgive
to trust
to not care.
I tried to try

I failed

You are unsatisfiable unpleased and unhappy
Forever wandering
I’m done trying to be what you want
I’ve tried despite what you say

You may wander wherever you see fit
I won’t chase you any further
My heart has moved on to its next unattainable goal
Making myself happy

Some days I wake up
                                                                  Mind torn from    
                                                           stress dreams
                                                                And no desire to breakdown
                                                                             On campus.
                                                                  So I skip class.
                                                        Trapped in my mental jailcell
                                                I dissect my compulsive thoughts
                                                      Only to see they stitched
                                                               Themselves back together
                                                             And are resistant to leave.
                                          On days I can grasp and hold my will
                                                                           I stew in class
                                                     Noticing my classmates
                                        Who speak louder than I do,
                                        Who answer questions more eloquently,
                                        And speak science fluently,
                                                               I am left to boil in my
                                                 Lack of voice, skill, and knowledge.
                                                             At the end of my first class
                                                                   I am already overdone,
                                             A husk goes to the remaining classes
                                                                                 For me.
                                                                     On days I wake up
                                                                                     Already
                                                                                  overwhelmed
                                                                        I skip class
                                                                                  To avoid
                                                                                                   Meltdown
                                                                      Fighting fire with Magma,
                                                                                this technique is
                                                                     purely self-destructive.
                                                                                           And I know it.
                                        Pressure builds like a volatile volcano…
                                                      I FAIL my classes and ERUPT
                                                   The peak that is my self esteem
                                      Shattered by emails from professors,
                                           The lava oozes down the slopes of Mt. Me
                                               “Maybe I don’t Belong  Here”
                                     Starts the a nearby tsunami forming
                                                                      Underneath my scalp
                                                           It gathers speed and force.
                                                           It decimates the cerebrum.
                                                                                       I have to rebuild...
                                              This land is recycled often
                       Tremors with magnitudes that match
                                                        My GPA
                                            Keep me vigilant and mindful
                                                               that collapse is part
                                                                       Of my nature                   The complex societies that are rebuilt within my mind always thrive
                                              ….at the beginning of next semester.

Words fail

Where is your head?
Is it here?
You won’t answer.

Did you not hear?
Should I ask again?
You won’t answer.

I am intimidated,
Feel cold,
Damaged.

I am not comprehending,
Banging my head silly,
My stare is more vacant than yours.

I assure you,
I don’t know what to do,
I’m here to help.

But I guess you don’t comprehend that,
The need?
My need to help you.

You have no need of me.
I am more scared of you
Than you are of me,

As default!
I think I admire you,
Your silence.

I don’t know how to push,
How far,
Will you break?

What can I ask?
How can I help?
I can’t.

Can’t I even look in your eyes?
Will it make you uncomfortable?
Can I try…

Again tomorrow?
Or the next day?
Let me stay.

Sit down
Next to you,
Please don’t be uncomfortable.

I usually say,
“I won’t fail again”,
But I think

I will have
To fail
A lot with this one…

Until
I
Understand.