We take turns being selfish
The painful tug-of-war we play
Back-and-forth pull our relationship
But love is not a game

Around you feel vulnerable
Chest is ripped open wide
Hands hold eachothers hearts
And full
Bodies unbalance and collide

We make love
Walls come crashing down
Hearts are relit with fire
In the intensity I drown
Consumed by desire

You wrap arms around me
In front of guys
As if they'll catch my beauty
Try to steal your prize

When we are alone I feel so small
Demeanor reminding I'm insignificant
How is the one who causes my self-worth to fall
The same person who made me feel magnificent?

The distance between grows more every day
So sick of being used
The lies that push me further away
The reason my heart is bruised

Baby I know I am awful to you as well
Do not want to break your heart
Make your life a living hell
I've become a master of the art

Way too many mistakes tossed aside
Neither of us can truly amend
You remember how many incidents I let slide
Suppose my forgiveness was only pretend

Because resentment slowly built
Time passed
I couldn't see it til it was too late
I could never quite let go of the past
Start over with a blank slate

It is not so simple to forget what we had
Every day to memories am exposed
How do you heal and stop being sad
When wounds never fully closed?

In solitary spaces
I find parts noise hid
screaming simulacrum
in broken cobwebs

a life pending
in crevices
sensing
chill

broken
concepts
mantles for
ruptured elements
their soft core exposed

casualties of bloodied past
salvaged fragments
society's furnace
discarded

singing
synths
waiting

8/27/19

Somehow I had it figured out that
If I made it as miserable for you
As it was for me
That then I would have happiness

I stepped into the scene
Chaos in the air as
I prepared to do the deed
Metaphorically raising the axe

But then I looked into your eyes
And saw a piece of myself
How could I let that happen
To another scared soul like me?

Jealousy runs love away from me
It’s hard to want the best for others
But if I knew what I wanted
Isn’t it also what they need?

Do unto others as you
Would have them do unto you
Why does that sound so easy?
Because all I want is a friend

Truth is, I’ve learned so much
But I learned the hardest way possible
I’d rather keep it all to myself
And watch you struggle like I did

Though it makes me feel better
It can only last so long
And it always ends with everyone
Hating me as if I had swung that axe.

8/16/19

God, you put me through a refining fire,
Where I stood, you desired to enquire.
After burning away the junk and ****,
One ***** drop was all I could brag.

Oh God, it’s easier to trust you when
You pour out blessings again and again!
But what about the times I wish to forget?
How can I trust you when I’d rather reset?

When everything is out of my hands,
When I’m caving under the demands,
That’s when I need you most, Lord.
I guess I call out only when I’m floored…

Yet even when I don’t trust like I should,
Oh God, You are still forever good!
I’ve felt your Spirit now more than ever,
Prying my thoughts apart like a lever.

New routines
Broken dreams
Fair weather friends
At my doorstep
Reveal yourself
Feel the intensity
I can’t go on without it
I don’t want it if you’re not exposed
I must feel in control

I've always liked the moon better than the sun.
I've always painted in black, not in colour.
I've always been a little hidden, never fully exposed.
I've always written, never said.
I've always been afraid of the monster under the bed.