"Life get's better, when you let people lose you instead of begging people to choose you."

I hear you, I do.
This is something I am struggling to accept, because my desires want to be heard, I think to myself, 'my desires also need to be heard.'

I see him observing me, what else should I do?
It's not because he likes me but because I interest him, I am unique to him.
The girl who apologised to him,
The girl who embarrassed herself before him.
The girl who was like all the others; admired him for his beauty.
The girl who fawned before him, like  all the pretty, the thick, caramel skin, you know, all of my sisters.

Why do you look at me and observe me grinning if you won't come and speak to me?

I apologised yet I received no closure, you still bother me, standing around when it's not necessary...
Stop observing me.
I said I am not going to let into this feeling, floating, fleeting.

Don't watch me.
I won't speak to you.
I won't make a next move.
So stop expecting I will.
I am done chasing you, but now I see you watching me.

Your voice you never use to speak, but you watch, you watch instinctively.

Your ears pierced with diamonds, the sharp angle on the back of your head that irons your looks, the lengths of your tie peeking at me from your collar.
Your side profile which turns to observe the world around you.

I look away, then up, I won't let your eyes meet mine.

Your eyes tracking me as I strut down the hallway where you meet me, unexpected, for me too really, I pretend I haven't seen you, yet plan to hold the door for you, I'm glad to see you from the corner of my eye, making known your arrival.

I pass through the door .
Wondering when I will see you next.
Pondering what I will see of you in the next assembly...

I speed past to pick up my meal, I see you look up eyes wondering, "where's she racing off to?"
I come back only to see the door closed, you paced over your work.

I enter.

....
Exiting the day, I walk to the treadmill of length.
I see a tall figure pass me by, lock eyes, I look away, don't need this intimacy.
Then I remember,
So I look right, sure enough, I see those eyes looking back at me, expressionless, I turn away, I wished not to be swallowed by the mesh school children.

I walk towards the gate, instinctively look to my left, you're no where to be found, I repeat this process and your no where to be found.

Deep down I am waiting for you, but it is futile, not because I am ugly or because you don't like me, but it is because my desires are not aligning with His purpose right now.
And like I have already said, it's not that I like you, I just want you to speak to me and stop noticing me.
I want to speak to you and know you, not so I can kiss you or so I can hold you in my hands, it's so I can pray for you knowing you in my mind.
It's so I can smile at a joke you make, your quite voice to be filled with fervour and passion.
Like I said, I don't understand love but I understand love enough to not hold onto the version of a man I have turned you into.

Between leaf and life
Wet ochre leaves bundled exit
Life was lived now gone

Time to say goodbye
before I'm dragged under
on last time

-em vidar

Headed straight for the exit
Got the key around my neck
Not waiting for what's next it
Really doesn't matter, heck
If I can just outrun it
Keep ahead long enough
Someday, I bet
Though incredibly rough
I'll see the sun set
Without running past
Sitting to enjoy it
At long last

-  Jay M
April 28th, 2021

pride "unreasonable self-esteem, e
specially as one of the deadly sins;
haughtiness,
overbearing treatment of others;
pomp, love of display," 

From <https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=PRIDE>

Love is blind as justice, if my proud prejudice
were preproperly tuned to presume
you know

pride proceeds a fall, and all the angels know,
that first
giant step,
feels just like falling, it's humbling.

But try landing on your toes, next time.

Nope, says the proud but,
I always land on a ****,  but this can't be real.
It does feel as if
I've been impaled on an obelisk.