The end is nigh
I see it coming
Though there is no escape
Some people are running
The others repent
And feed the starving
But its too late now
The cycle is ending
After this cycle
A new beginning
But for now, the end is nigh.
I have seen it coming

Are there times when you feel alone?
Lost in the world with nowhere to go
As if you have been cut off
From any and all forms of communications
With the outside world

And then the feelings come
The feelings of dread
The feelings of no escape
As if you are stuck inside a submarine
Sinking to the bottom of the ocean
Watching the slow descent

And your heart
It pounds for freedom
It yearns to feel free again
Free from these shackles
That are ripping at its strings
And crushing it to oblivion

That pain
It's like no physical pain
There is no morphine for it
You can't drug it away
And it hurts
It really does hurt

Fields of the evening, Long grass in the breeze
and a river down her face.
Dark flecks in the sky, it's all a blur,
the magpies all fly home.
Black trails linger down her arms,
Smudged and damp to the touch.
Hyperventilisation with every scarse breath,
And realisation begins to creep in.
She can't go home..
She can't go home...

         ... I can't go home.

now, your face is the one i dread the most
because it is the face ive always wanted the most
but can never have

I could deal with existential horror
The frequent realization that a monster lurks deep in me
The fear that eats me from inside out

That someday I’ll destroy all I held dear
And leave a gaping hole of emptiness behind
Or the dread that I’ll never be enough

That’s fine
I can fight it, and I’ll win

What I truly fear is them
Those who I don’t control,
who’s action are unpredictable

Violently crushing my will,
And leaving me powerless to fight it
Such is the greatness of external forces

And I know, I can never win
But let me try and resist

I take the calories for the calm
The more I take, the more time I have till the anxiety comes back
I see the world through an out of focused lens
Just barely making out enough of the edges to navigate
The nerves and veins in my brain are constantly half full, half empty
How do I get through?
Every push forward is short-lived
I take one step forward
And then push myself 10 steps back in an instant
The calories can’t numb the pain
Can’t push away the parasite of exhaustion gnawing at me in every moment
I’m sinking, sinking
Into oblivion, into the dark hole that welcomes the likes of me
The self doubt crawls out to the surface slowly
“You know you can’t get rid of me” it purrs, “you know you’ll never be enough”
It’s claws caress the insides of my brain
“You can never escape me” it hisses
It laughs, and sinks it’s claws in me further, deeper and deeper
It drags me down further
The monster in the dark
I’m on edge again, gasping for air again, utterly resigned to my fate, again
“I will never escape you” I whisper
Eyes wide in terror, I succumb to the horror of myself
Sink my nails into my flesh, perhaps I’ll wake up from this nightmare
Perhaps, perhaps, oh God please let this be a nightmare!
I plead till my nails draw blood, till my resignation turns into outright terror, till my terror turns into gasping screams
This is not a nightmare
This is life
And actions have consequences
What has passed cannot be undone
And I will never escape.

It *****, y'know,
life & ****.
Everything *****,

sometimes.

But I guess
that's what makes it
good too,

sometimes.

It seems that
'always'
is the enemy
of emotion.

Or at least

sometimes

it is.