Every single time. Every time I tell myself not to get my hopes up, not to get attached. And every time, I fail anyway. I'm a lover, a fighter, a thinker, a survivor. I don't know what it is. I don't know why being distant is so difficult. I trust no one. I refuse to love. I won't be anything but loyal. I push people away. And I do it on purpose. At least then, I'll know who to blame.
Every time I tell myself: "no, you have too much to lose" "no, he doesn't mean it" "no, you aren't still in love" "no, you aren't going to fall". I'll always prove myself wrong, which in turn, proves my doubts right.

I don't want to be a back up plan, a second choice, an option. I want to be the one and only one on your mind. I want to be a priority. I want to feel loved, know I'm loved. I want loyalty, honesty, integrity.

Yet, every time. I settle.

stagnant, i look to the nightlife for temporary comfort,
gazing into the pseudo love,
into the vacant souls.
empty, i search for a piece of myself in passersby,
learning from their motions,
i steal fragments of truth.
lustful, i plead for the chance to unveil myself,
to present my skin, to be adored aggressively.
but i am floating,
my veins grey,
my eyes opaque,
my blood frozen.

I stand here on river's edge trembling with excitement
Gazing through the morning mist to distant shore I seek
A vision, once only dream, now slowly reveals

A silhouette of form so wondrous appears
The answer to the only prayer I've ever prayed
The destination of the only path, I've ever traveled

Only raging water of pounding force separates me from journeys end
Will it be the end of me, or will it be my destiny?

The sun is so fiery, the Sun is so wild !!
Look at the Moon , it is so deary and mild !!

The Sun burns itself to spread warmth and embrace,
The Moon sparkles with borrowed light to softly caress !!

The Sun gives light and the Sun gives life,
The Moon builds romanticism to bring a new life !!

The Sun gives you power to overcome the fear,
The Moon is your best friend when at night you shed a drop of tear !!

The Sun and the Moon in the sky are never together
but they are like distant lovers who madly love eachother forever !!

Whenever I surrender
You suddenly come to make me remember
It's like you come back from the dead
Making it hard for me to make a step further
I decide to go forth
Then you'll reach out and grab my ankle
I'm like a chained dog who thinks she could run away
Then a chain will stop me from going on my own way
You're a coward who can never really keep me
A hinder is what you are
To my dreams that would take me far
I've given too many chances
But I'll see you like a reindeer who prances
To my very existence
Thus creating such a distance
That eventually made me drift away

Now tell me one last time
Do you really wish for me to stay?
Or would you rather let me go and walk away?

*But first, remove your cowardly mask and face me with the question you wanted to ask

In a dream I was walking, all alone.
A flower; I saw-

                             off in the distance..

it was all alone, like me.

February, you sing,
as the smallest (month), together we ring.

I suppose it was only fair,
that I fall in love like this,
my birthday, and your holiday,
we always have to share.

Although mine creeps before,
avoiding the martyr of your Saint,
and I know that it still kills me,
as I patiently drift upon your shore.

Sweet twos, you and I,
together we strive, linked by the stars,
and I think, perhaps, my soul admits,
I'm never ready to say goodbye.

Sometimes
I tend to forget
and become too careless;
I let my guard down
and let someone in
far enough
To break my heart

Each time
I tell myself
I will never
let it happen again

With each lesson learned
My armor strengthens
And I hope it’s hard enough
To not let it happen again.