it’s hard,
finding words that best describe
how to feel
how to tell.
nobody understands,
i talk in complicated ways,
making it hard for you to grasp onto me.
maybe it is the words i use
or perhaps, the words you’re unfamiliar with,
call me out for being out of context,
but the content i create communicates sense to me.
i tremble at the sight of people talking around me,
troubles me because everyone and everything i know has remained close to speaking ever so carelessly and loosely about me.
at this point, they receive pleasure from laughing, mocking and “getting” me,
they lie and reflect bitterness
is it jealousy or envy?
quick assumptions or savvy?
call me stupid, useless, or any other unnecessary comment that seems to compliment your currency,
but extraordinary is more suitable a trait,
than the look of disgrace placed on your face whenever your eyes meet mine.

I miss licking strawberry-flavored suckers on the school bus
Gossiping who John kissed and wishing it was us
Passing notes in class-we didn't give a ****
The location of Africa or Amsterdam
The only sponge worried about was SpongeBOB
Wasn't our responsibility to clean, cook, or get a job
"Stinky **** Head" was the most insulting name
Mario unanimously was the best video game
As kids we frolicked fast, funloving, and free
Uncaring if our homemade tire swings were rickety
Doodling margins of each battered schoolbook
A time where if caught in a fight you got let off the hook
Being happy for no reason is what i miss about childhood the most
Awakening to my favorite breakfast made by Dad-french toast
I would jump out of bed looking forward to school
Bringing lunch packed in a brown paper bag was cool
Now I hate opening my tired eyes
This planet transformed into one I despise
Once upon a time I felt whole and strong though so small
Today I'm much bigger but feel nothing at all

I never knew the pretty sky was so indifferent
So blue and so blank
Standing there without a response.
Surrounding me as it just watches on
As my head is weighed down
As my shoulders become heavy
As my knees want to hit the ground

Nothing is working.
The problems just stack on
Its books are piling on
Insistently,
Showing me that it can.
The distribution isn’t even
Doesn’t matter.
My back not sure if it will give out
Perhaps, just waiting for the right time
To truly become another future
With a wishful past.

A hand to alleviate it wouldn’t come
A wishful thinking of a story
A movie that would get blistered by real life
I’m already getting burned under its sun
Beating on without a care
Quickly chafing off the careful wrapping
Around how it was supposed to go
Preserving the candy that shouldn’t get *****

On this day, it got exposed to the true air
It cracked under the pressure
The lines show the map of the world
In your mouth,
It’s ready to break a tooth

A lean against the wall
Trying to hold my body up
Against the weight of my thoughts
As they swirl becoming poison
Sticking to the sides of my mind
Within this tornado
The sun shines on.

The breeze flutters the leaves beautifully
Showing all the sides of its colors
It reaches my face coolly
Washing over my thoughts
Increasing the turbulence
The starker the contrasts of green and blue
The blunter the world reveals itself to be.

Not a single cloud passing by up above
Empty eyed as it looks on
Keeping cool as everything collapses
Hands restless trying to catch all falling
It’s slipping through my fingers
Too quick to grasp and hold.

To give up is an option that comes up.
A whisper infiltrating with the sweet air.
To shut my eyes
And un-focus my gaze
But I’m surrounded by multiple paths
All escapes paved with yellow flowers
Each and every pretty without promises
Petals covering every space
Not showing any holes in the ground
Until I’ve already fallen in
Wanting to turn back.

From inside the well
Or from the sidewalk
The sky looks the same
Coded with a thousand cliffs
Unable to decipher their meaning
Constantly shifting as the time comes
What seemed so stable
Becomes all blurry in a glance.

To exert a force in my arms
And hold my body up
Against this pressing weight.
I let out a breath that traveled miles
Pushing away my thoughts for now
I stand up off the rail
And try another time.

Not a single cloud passing by up above
The world remains colorfully calm
And the sun makes the leaves greener
A few seagulls fly by overhead
The challenges weigh down on my back
While the pretty sky seems bluer

To make connection
such stark satisfaction
evades me these days
I try to make conversation
Fight my own evasion
no luck, to my dismay
Every day is a challenge
I work to scavenge
my strength, whittled away
I just need a friend
Someone to depend
Before I lose my way

Thanks for choosing to join society

On a side note it’s a permanent stay

Where everything is fake
From the flowers
To her lips

So get comfy this is our routine everyday

But not too comfortable
If you do we will tear you apart
Layer after layer
And don’t expect anyone to hear your prayer

Along with that we provide our services
With deconstructive criticism
Upgrade to our premium
Where there are many helpful tips
To learn to love your body
But thats only once you've met our standards
And we see you paper thin

It can be slightly difficult
Living in this new world
With our expertise and precision
It isn’t meant for everyone
But since you've gotten here already
There is no exit out
So this is your new life
Until your very last day
When we finally realize what living is really about

Thanks for choosing to join society
Where its an artificial place to stay
Put on the fake smile you’ve mastered
And have a great day

If I haven’t told you enough times today,  
I love you. And I am infinitely proud of you. Even on your hard days, you handle it with grace.

i need to know
if i can ever let you go
let me know
if i will ever make it home

you are my addiction
the part that i'm missing
going through withdrawal
i can't keep it casual
with you i can't choose
with you it's lose-lose

can't live with you, can't live without
can't leave this hanging with no way out
i need closure for my toxic exposure
i want you closer but it's already over

what's left to say
what's the right way
my contradiction
my addiction