What are you supposed to say
when you run out of words
Teary eyes to the sky
Only silence to be heard

What am I supposed to say
When words don't even come close
To the mountain highs and weary skies
When I'm left without a single verse

What am I supposed to do
When my brain becomes an empty room
When my heart plays out it's final chord
Not even my soul speaks my truth

untitled 2 6.20.25 (3:46 pm / 15:46)
you said
i want to make her cry
PLEASE
i haven’t cried for real in so long

Why are you crying?
Why would you shed tears for this?
After all
It was you that ended this
It was you that broke my heart
So why are you crying?
That silent pain you're showing me
The sadness deep in your eyes
Why are you sad
When I was the one who tried?
I have every right to shed tears
Yet you're doing it on my behalf
Why would you cry for the bonds
That you cut with your own hands?
Why would you cry for the love
When you're the one who turned away?
Why would cry so much for us 
When I am the one you hurt?
Let me cry, shout, let it all out
I have every right to do so because of you
Instead
Even as you cry for your own actions
Even as you cry stepping away from me
I will still wipe those tears away
I will still kiss the pain away 
I will still tell you that it's okay 
Because even as you end everything
I never want to see you cry
Even when I am the one
Crying inside

Broken crayons still color,
She'd say, "I'd be ****** if I forget,
And let the water wash my spark away."

Jumped where the tides barely speak,
She'd say, "I'd be ****** if I left,
And deaf to the calling waves I keep."

Heavier heartbeats marked the tide,
She'd say, "I'd be ****** if it didn't,
And erase the memories I couldn't hide."

Stones in her thoughts sank the soul,
She'd say, "I'd be ****** if that's true,
And sinking in the shallow end? That ain't what I do."

Dragged into the darker tide,
She'd say, "I'd be ******, but this hurts,
And I'll drown happily with my heart, embracing the burn."

Broken crayons still color,
She'd say, "I'd be ****** but it's true,
I ain't wax, mama!
I'm shattered glass, betrayed, in my break."

I cried in silence again.
The tears streamed down
And made puddles on my carpet floor
I'm lying on again.

I watched the minutes change again.
Somehow the clocks go from five thirty
To nine thirty in an hour;
I've been on the same assignment.

I took a nap this afternoon again.
But I didn't even turn out the lights,
I don't know if i fell asleep
Or if I was just falling like I was the rest of the day.

My sweatshirt sleeves are wet again.
It's too hot out to wear long sleeves
But I sweat through it anyway;
I'm just cold.

My room is scattered with mess again.
Bugs crawling, biting at my legs
As I'm lying in my bed, awake,
Because I'm living a nightmare.

I'm not happy anymore.
But don't think I ever was,
I'm not sad, not quite,
Don't know who this world was made for...

But I don't think for me.

You make me cry,
In a good way.

I've never felt anything like this before,
Cradled in your loving arms,
Don't need therapy.

The time we spend together,
Is better.

handplucked, stared at, silence.
examined front-to-back, indifferent,
and dropped in a cylindrical hell
unlike any other you'd ever know.
subject, object, experiment.
a constant mire of hate, sin,
fear, death, lust. hate.
anything and everything adjacent
to violet highlights in calming sunsets,
a love for what can be despite what is.
inked by the growing bead in your chest
that pulsates when you dream of better,
more, the minimum. pure existence.
the bliss of firing off one round
of expression that might shift the world
and free you.
something you can't know
while others hold the jar and shake you.

I remember meeting you outside the party
our friends were wasted in love
looking for a savior with their bodies
You were sitting, singing a melody I recognised
I remember leaving, crying while drinking your last cup
you were smoking while our song was playing
but we didn't even know each other
The lights paralysed my thoughts
and I was drowning in words that refused to leave my mouth
You were laughing in the car with a girl I called pretty
some hours ago, in front of you
before the incident
I remember writing under the constellations,
in a corner where the lenses couldn't approach me
and the purple and blue flashes only touched pieces of the lunar light.
I remember writing a love song about someone I never met and never will
and then you had the guts to ask me for a cigarette
but I gave you a lighter I always carry around
You saw my tears falling down inside your drink
so you decided to drink my soul instead
The girl I called pretty got hypnotised
by the laughs and the screams inside
and suddenly it was just us
and our heartbeats
I remember meeting you outside the party
but you told me you couldn't see your reflection anymore through my eyes
you told me I was just a girl that stole your sanityand filled it with smoke
and then our heartbeats touched
and the incident happened
and I wasted parts of myself in the kiss we exchanged.
I smiled
I smiled and your lips formed a deeply regretful smirk.
I remember meeting you outside my party
wasted on love or greed or foolishness
or was I just high on hope and delusion?
I chose the wrong substances
and now I'm stuck with your regrets
and your cigarette infused breath you let me taste
I ran to change the song to something everyone likes but me and you.
I danced with our memories
and you danced with your chosen loneliness.
I remember it was the best party
I've ever had
I remember admiring how much you were hurting
I remember lying to myself about feeling shame about it
and it was the last chance I had to remembering you
I vaguely have any memories from all the parties you haven't been since then
but I'm throwing one now
and I know you'll remember it
meet me outside the party.

“I am in the room again.
Heavy heaves come from the machine,
that help make perfect breaths.
Your voice is soft, your hands are warm,
and I see less life than yesterday.
Tears come from my parents eyes and I
I can’t cry.
Yes, my voice is blocked and my eyes burn
But I can’t cry.

Your world isn’t bigger than this tiny room.
The sun won’t shine on your face again.

Your kids are here.
They all came to see you.
It hurts to see them say
goodbye while you sleep.
I can only watch.
I try to put on a brave face.
I still can’t cry.

Tears don’t come to say
how much I miss you already.”

A.V.