I wait
Every endless day
for the time to come
In which I can take
A lovely handful
To take the pain away
To a dull nagging
Instead of
That searing scream
I know so well.

They say,
If you are comfortable
in your own skin,
you will never be lonely

I tell them,
It's not that I am uncomfortable,
it's just that my own beating heart
is not loud enough
to echo off the walls
of my too-small apartment
on Saturday nights
when the city
is just starting
to wake up

They say,
You should not crave
a relationship
to fill the hole of loneliness

I tell them,
I do not crave him
for the sake of company,
because I breathe on my own terms
and I yearn for his presence
no matter who is around

They say,
Loneliness can be cured
by looking inside yourself

I tell them,
I have looked,
and I see a girl
the rest of the world
should miss when she's away,
but whose absence
never seems to be noticed

Sometimes all you need is confidence. And not like self confidence but just genuine confidence.
That things will work out.
That's kinda where I'm at.
I always seem to come back to the point that whatever happens is supposed to happen, and it's hard, because all I really want is to tell you how I really feel but I'm honestly scared.
I'm not like scared of what you'll say, I'm scared because I don't want to mess up.
I really feel like this is what I need in my life.
A really good person.
Someone I can turn to for anything. And I've found that in you.
You're honestly one of the only people I've ever felt so comfortable around.
I don't get it.
How can you be so comfortable around someone?

I never anticipated this.
The ease of our connection,
Sharing my space--mind flooded,
Drowning in apprehensive feelings as I lie awake next to you.

I am not used to your embrace.
Is it terrible that with you I feel safe?
Am I trapped solely within the moments we share?
When hours seem like minutes just because you are here.

I am not comfortable with who I am,
And I am no closer to accepting it.

Just because I smile doesn’t mean I’m okay,
Maybe I’m just good at keeping secrets.

You see this is why I am not comfortable,
I lie and lie and lie.

I am not comfortable with who I am,
And I am no closer to accepting it.

I tried to save me but I failed,
And just like everyone else I left me.

Now I am nothing,
And maybe this nothing is my comfortable.

problem:* for the longest time, i was in the mindset where *i did not want to die, i just simply did not want to exist.

experiment: this summer, i did just that. i severed ties with most of my friends, cut off communication, and burned down a lot of bridges.

outcome: i lost a lot of friendships but i found parts of myself.

summary: i had two months of inexistence and it sparked with me a desire to live again, a fire within me that had been missing for quite some time now. it taught me how to be okay by myself, but it also taught me that it’s okay to allow good friends to help you better yourself.

error analysis: it’s not okay if you purposely burn bridges down and end friendships on bad notes. they’ll haunt you later. so leave friendships on a good note. if they’re a real friend, you won’t be leaving them; you’ll simply be putting a pause on the friendship. it’s okay to take time for yourself, and it’s also okay if friends want some time for themselves. you should not ever apologize for wanting time for yourself, nor should others.

solution: if you wish to inexist, then isolate yourself for a while. make yourself comfortable being alone. once you are able to be content in isolation, you will naturally want to exist more, both inside and outside of isolation. *allow yourself to let people into your world again.

you had a lump in your throat every time you spoke,
it should’ve disappeared but your voice became a croak

you cleared your throat a lot,
for every word that got caught

you stopped talking about your passions;
i think your heart had run out of its rations

you helped others out many times before,
but suddenly your reassurance was no more

your silences grew longer;
i should’ve known you were a goner

you left all these warnings,
yet here i was, in mourning.