problem:* for the longest time, i was in the mindset where *i did not want to die, i just simply did not want to exist.

experiment: this summer, i did just that. i severed ties with most of my friends, cut off communication, and burned down a lot of bridges.

outcome: i lost a lot of friendships but i found parts of myself.

summary: i had two months of inexistence and it sparked with me a desire to live again, a fire within me that had been missing for quite some time now. it taught me how to be okay by myself, but it also taught me that it’s okay to allow good friends to help you better yourself.

error analysis: it’s not okay if you purposely burn bridges down and end friendships on bad notes. they’ll haunt you later. so leave friendships on a good note. if they’re a real friend, you won’t be leaving them; you’ll simply be putting a pause on the friendship. it’s okay to take time for yourself, and it’s also okay if friends want some time for themselves. you should not ever apologize for wanting time for yourself, nor should others.

solution: if you wish to inexist, then isolate yourself for a while. make yourself comfortable being alone. once you are able to be content in isolation, you will naturally want to exist more, both inside and outside of isolation. *allow yourself to let people into your world again.

you had a lump in your throat every time you spoke,
it should’ve disappeared but your voice became a croak

you cleared your throat a lot,
for every word that got caught

you stopped talking about your passions;
i think your heart had run out of its rations

you helped others out many times before,
but suddenly your reassurance was no more

your silences grew longer;
i should’ve known you were a goner

you left all these warnings,
yet here i was, in mourning.

There are many reasons
to not get out of bed.
Keep reading on
and remember what’s been said.
Now it could be a hangover
from a party last night.
Or recovery from pain
inflicted during a fight.
It could be a nationwide holiday,
or a self-made holiday.
Or you could be anti-social
and want everyone to go away.
Now you could be knocked out
from the fresh fumes of paint,
or maybe unbearable weather
has caused you to faint.
It could be a habit,
something done all the time,
or you could be recovering
from doing time for crime.
The bed’s too comfortable.
The alarm didn’t go off.
Graduation was yesterday.
Or you want the day to get lost.
You anticipate a day
that’s bad all the way.
You’re rebelling against your parents
and you don’t care about your grades.
Even if staying in bed
isn’t your usual form,
you could just simply want
a break from the norm.

Sleeping by your side
Comforts my all
Whispering sweet nothings
From the texture of our souls

"I love you,
so much"

"I love you too"

I can breathe,
And my heart falls into you.

feeling like something of a pharaoh
ignoring the pain of crossed legs
and just sitting here, still and trying
to be a little bit regal for once

could i be a royal?
would you listen to me?

i feel like something of a peasant
low down to the ground, but comfortable
being at the bottom

i could never be a royal, really
even i wouldn’t listen to me