I survived and im not stroger for it...
I am not proud to wear the scars. They are a reminder of the pain i endured .. although my body has healed ,my mind still feels like its fresh
People around me are so tired of my same story, I don't even tell it anymore ,i wish they understood how tired i am to ... Tired of pretending im okay, and that time heals wounds ( they Don't)
The trauma literally changed ny brain  hippocampus, weakened weak prefrontal cortex....
                  L.S.

Don't you want to see me?
Or is it someone else
Do I set my blood free?
Or do I not hurt myself

Don't you think I'm pretty?
I don't think you care
That would be fitting
With a sideways chair

Don't you think I know?
About you and her
You still love her so
I don't think that's fair.

Aren't I the one?
That keeps you up at night?
Or are you so full of guilt
For not treating me right

If I'm a priority.
Then prove it to me
Make me feel love
Instead of making me beg for it.

& 𝗶𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝘄𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘀:    

"𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱.

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘢𝘯𝘥
𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱.

𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬
𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸
𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱?

𝘛𝘶𝘳𝘯 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘴𝘰
𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯.

𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳?"

     𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝘄𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘀.

The greenery of this place never fooled me
The sky just looks so fake,
the clouds are drawn on.
Im at the park on the swings
I need to feel something in my stomach before I waste away at the young ripe age of 5

Just 8 years later getting fingered on the same slide I was afraid of as a little girl
The wind from the past keeps the swings on the playground moving higher
Doing the things that are bad for me
Just to feel lighter

When I'm 15 I have no place to be
No one and nothing to call home
Not even my body is somewhere I know.  
I pop a xannie for the thrill
Hoping that stranger I messaged will take me away from the godforsaken place

This stupid park that holds me so captive.
Run away can't face what is happening
In my head, I'm already dead
Nothing is real
take a Xanax
I only like doing the things that are bad for me
I only like feelings if they're going to make me bleed
I don't care about the context
Of my universal insignificance, I can't even repent. Sitting here on the floor. Higher than the swings ever brought me.
Crashing harder and harder each time I speak.
I can't get off the swing.

When I was in 1st grade I would jump off the swing set just to feel alive
I got a lot of attention because the other kids thought I could die
Maybe I was lacking some sort of Imbalance chemically in my mind
Because the attention they gave me Was a new type of high

I illicit reactions just so I can feel fine
Blood is in the sink I think I can finally see the light
I want to feel the wind between my arms And lift into the air just one more time
The attention is addicting

Thick eyeliner and a black boobie dress
12 years old and they say I'm not filled out quite yet
I enjoyed the validation the old men gave me
Blood red, pill dead
Just like the pretty cigarette girls on TV said.
stuck in this loveless hole until somebody saves me.
Self destructive, enable the pain
Turn the corner and play their game.
I only want to what's worst for me.

I illicit reactions just to see
The emotionally intense delivery
Oh you should see your face,
And in the frown you gave me.
I'm just a liar now
No one hears my screams
There's blood in the sink and no one is listening

Lower middle class middle school *****, stealing pencil sharpeners every chance I could get
The blood is on my clothes and its not coming off
And I'll still send that old man a picture of my body
As I leek blood, draining it like a hobby.
He ignores my pain to fulfill his selfish pleasures knowing he gets to see a pubescent body with ******* on
I only like doing the things that are bad for me.

I illicit these reactions to keep the attraction
If I'm in control and I know their intentions, they can't hurt me
It can't happen
But there's still blood in the sink
God I'm so tragic
Wouldn't you think?