Beauty, why do you evade her?
Why will you not let her grasp you?
She searches for you daily.
Meals become foreign during her quest.

Why will you not let her grasp you?
She searches the mirror but only sees a mistake.
Meals become foreign during her quest.
The map on her body is not a treasure map to her.

She searches the mirror but only sees a mistake.
Numbers are more than a math problem to her.
The map on her body is not a treasure map to her.
Beauty, why must you hide from her?

Numbers are more than a math problem to her.
Her best friend is the floor of her shower.
Beauty, why must you hide from her?
Why will you not show her you were always there?

Her best friend is the floor of her shower.
The water washes all the broken parts away.
Why will you not show her you were always there?
She doesn’t need water to fix what’s never been broken.

i fling my hair in your face as to catch your attention
i purse my lips in an attempt to grasp a glimpse from you
i open my mouth and laugh extravagantly to boost your ego
i let my cardigan fall off my shoulder to show you i’m easy going
i spin around to lure your eyes in
i bend over to pick up your wallet that you dropped on the ground
i hand it to you with a pearly white smile and captivate your attention
i use my body in a way that it was not meant to be intended
i use my body to boost my ego while blaming other women for boosting men’s egos
i know what i am doing but i cannot stop
i want the attention my body brings me
“can’t you get attention in other ways” they ask
yes but i feel my body is the only way
and this is the problem in our society and i too am guilty

my body is 100% woman
all curves and no straight angles
full of grace and love
a pillow to hold

my body is 100% miracle
all strength and perseverance
awkward and unique
a frame to remember

even when it feels
full of shame
I still know it to be
extraordinary

let me tell you how it all happened

they'll tend to tell you bullies caused it
or that everyone has the same experience
and it starts because
other people
forced it to

but what i have to tell you
is that i did it to
myself
i'm a turncoat
to my own flesh

i would look in the mirror and see
a gut
and suddenly
that was all i could see

no matter if my calves were toned
or my arms were sticks
i saw that gut
or my
curdled thighs
and that was all

so i'd say i wasn't hungry
or i'd "sleep" through a meal
and i'd work extra hard at practice
pretend i wasn't always run down

and even if i'd pass out
or struggle to stay awake
i'd pretend like it was sleep
i was depriving myself of sleep

and you know that cycle
in every anorexic girl's story
where her body bloats before it thins
because it's trying to protect her

i went harder in that stage
so i could lose the weight that made me a 2
instead of 00
and i would cry myself to sleep
because i was in pain
mental
and physical

but i couldn't stop the
taunts
i gave
myself

my dad would tell my friends
to make sure i would
eat
but i never listened

and now i look back
and see my former shell-f
a self that had no self
a self that was only

a shell

a turncoat

anorexic

Internal convulsions occur when I
stare
    stare
        stare
at that body that people tell me is beautiful,
but all I can comprehend is that slab of undesired waste
piled up on that heap of toxic reoccurences
that I am too cowardly to face.

No, don’t put that chip in your mouth
You know it’s not good for you
And don’t even think about buying that chocolate
You know what it’ll do
Emily, why can’t you just be normal
Eat broccoli and spinach like the rest of us
Not fast food plus sizes

Why can’t you live in our universe
Nothing tastes better than skinny feels
So shape us those meals
Don’t act like you’re a size zero
When you stuff your face with honey nut cheerios
Don’t make your eating habits a lie
The truth shows in your thighs

Why can't you live in our universe
Where our legs are straw thin
And our arms consist of only bone and skin
Our wrists as small as our singular chin

Why can’t you live in our universe
Where we’re all skinny
And we’re all perfect twigs
Where we look down on the non-existent pigs

Emily, why can’t you be skinny?

Because being skinny makes me feel like dirt
I mean, what is it worth
All I can conclude is that
Skinny hurts

my mind is a crimson sky.
stars hidden by the red hues of summer.
clouds cannot be seen beyond the stormy chaos that is free thought.

my hands hold crumbling wheat fields.
each plant destroyed by a sun that shines too bright.
the roots are torn up along my fingertips.

my eyes carry empty oceans.
once full of life, purpose.
the corpses of dreams lay scattered along the iris,
battered by flame.

my wrists are a crime scene,
life ripped away in a single, crisp action.
hanging from each violet vein is a rope of red intention.
skin pulled by string, a tightrope of regret.

my mind is a crimson sky.
stars hidden by the red hues of summer.
clouds cannot be seen beyond the stormy chaos that is free thought.

my body is...
a landscape of colour,
a sky of regret,
a sun that destroys everything in its path.

but my mind is a crimson sky,
a beautiful sunset,
masking the truth.

Something of a wasteland lately-
Only elbows, shoulders and ribs.
Tentative and soft about my navel
Yet, above my hips no camel can trace a
Path.
Drops in this desert are fleeting and often the bones
Of strangers get in the
Way.
People look at me now and
Don't know what
To say.