Can't you tell you'rr killing me?
Can't you see i'm broken?
Can't you feel i love you?
Can't i just stay whole?**

(S.l.g)

I beg you,
Do not make this out to be a love note;
Do not romanticise my words
     until a list of all that is wrong with you
          becomes a letter in a bottle, washed up on an island’s shore.
Do not teach the child I will never have
     that the locked wooden box of dated but unsent letters hidden beneath her bed
          will one day become a novel.
They are all addressed to you--
   just as every thought I think echoes with your name
              every song is about you
              every tear burns my skin with the acidity of your touch
         the smoke from
              every cigarette tastes of you.
It is you.
It is you
             who is the black mist enveloping my lungs from the inside out,
It is you
             swirling in my hollow veins
                as they wrap themselves like chains
                   around my organs, screaming for night,
and you capture my beating heart.


And it is you
     who tells us to teach our children
                         to make sure to say their pleases and their thank-yous,
And we taught them not to talk to strangers,
  but we never taught them to say
                                                      ‘no’. --
Now I don’t speak to the kids hanging out on the corner
And I don’t speak to the man when he pulls up his van,
And now I don’t speak
                                  when I'm lying in bed
you never taught me to say no
I don’t speak when your hand runs down my body
          like I am something you own
          like my bones are the ivory keys of a grand piano
               and you must hit every note on your glissando
descending
   to
hell.



I don’t speak as you wrap yourself around me
metal chains on a summer’s day
I close my eyes
            and listen to my organs screaming for night
                   like a child who just wants her bedtime story,
                                                          ­   her mummy to come home,
                   like a child who is not afraid
                               of monsters in her head,
                          or of monsters under the bed,
                          or of you,
Lying
     beside her.


And we scream for night
   And we close our eyes
      And we float up into a moonless sky.
The definition of a black hole is
               ‘a region of space having a gravitational field so intense that no matter or radiation can
                escape’.
If it is the matter that creates the pull that traps the matter,
   then you are not so much in me
         and I am not so much in you
               as we are trapped inside each other.
The world made up of people and
      people made up of world,
                                          like Romeo and Juliet,
      we do not exist without the other,
                                          you and I.


For the words
           immorality and immortality
                                            may be frighteningly similar, but there is a difference between
                 apathy and anaesthesia;
I do not close my eyes to shut you out,
           I close my eyes because it is only darkness that can make the space between my bedroom walls appear infinite;
           It is only music that lets me hear your screams as you suffocate mine;
                  only smoke that lets me taste your toxicity as my ashes spread like a virus through your veins.


I want to die.
And I'm taking you down with me,
   So don’t you dare tell me to teach the child I will never have
      that her scars seek attention,
         or that she needs them as proof of what you have done to her mind;
   Don’t you dare teach us that the rope from which we hang is a diamond necklace;
          that corpses are more beautiful when drained of blood,
             that we are more beautiful when broken.


Dear world,
   I beg you,
Do not make this out to be a love note;
Do not romanticise my words
     until a list of all that is wrong with you
          becomes a letter in a bottle, washed up on an island’s shore.
Do not teach me that my suicide note is poetry
     when our existence is intertwined
          and my death is yours,
          and you are too cowardly to do it for the both of us,
  but, darling,
                    so am I.
So please,
   I beg you,
You can make this out to be a love note,
                                             a letter in a bottle,
   just close your eyes;
      float up into a moonless sky;
         dissolve into infinity.
                                            Die with me--.
                                                           ­                                                       *j.s.

The walls of my heart,
they clench me in.
The voices in my head,
they tell me the worst things I've always read.
The words I hear,
they're the things that I always fear.
The dinner I ate,
I let them find their way back up.
The ink in my wrists,
I watch them flow from thin lines.
The fear I feel,
they make the monsters real.
The anxiety I feel,
it overwhelms me.
The things I feel,
they make me hate me.
they make me loathe me.
they **** me.

this life is filled with hurt
and happiness doesnt work
i cant get enough
take me by my hand i'll show you what it is
i like it rough
id rather feel pain than nothing at all

i can't fake it
pain is my only feeling
i'm numb to everythin but pain
pain is everythin to me
pain is what i love
pain is what i've become...

*(c.m.h)

she promised me never to do it again
she promised to try stay happy

but it wasn't that easy
i took her weapon she found a new one

and before i got to take a second breath
her towels stained red again...

*(c.m.h)

so beautiful
yet so sad

so happy on the out side
yet so dark on the inside

so loved
but yet she hates herself

she's like everyone else
but yet so different

*(c.m.h)

i will sketch myself a gun
and load it
with toxic lead scrawled neatly, letters looping like a noose,
with scratches on chalkboards, like footprints on the moon
        and scars on my wrist.
i will give these words the power to ****
    and with one last remaining breath
       i'll place it against the fire, beating in my temples
and words and letters and music
  will flow,
    into me and out of me
an endless whisper
   of poems
   surging through my veins.


and all will at last be dark.

*-j.s

Run your fingers
   softly
Down my spine,
Trace the contours of my rib cage piano,
The cracks in the ivory white keys
That are my shattered, fragmented bones;
The way your trembling lips
Danced across the ballroom of my porcelain wrist
  One two three
      Two two three
         Across my subtly scarred corpse,
Waltzing rhythm
   faltering
With each drag of your kiss,
Leeching sadness as a blade with blood,
   purifying,
      somehow.

Yet your lips had learnt to love the sad side
   of me;
Fallen from cliffs of scars to waves of crashing blood,
   as simply as one may fall asleep;
A wingless butterfly,
   falling helplessly in love.
For, perhaps, love is what allows the wings to grow,
   Perhaps, love is the seed of the destruction of free-fall;
Love destroys love.
  The way you destroy me,
     I destroy me.

And so you leech the sadness you fell in love with,
My ecstasy seeping from your mere presence,
   A flower rising from the cracks of a grave,
   As your love rots with the bones below --
The ivory white ribcage
   c r a c k e d
Like the shattered keys
   of a grand piano,
Haunting music
      hanged
   by its own happy heartstrings,
Cruel love,
You ripped apart the fragmented bones,
Leaving only minor keys;
The passivity of the stars,
   matched only by you,
      by the silence
of your harmony
to my saddened melody;
   the silence, radiating
      from the shadowed cracks of my
ribcage piano.
And so you took away my sadness
And so I was no longer who you loved
And so you slowly sought to shatter me,
No longer able to taint my beautiful sadness,
With your trembling
   beautiful
lips.

*j.s.