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nothing changes.
the beat in my mind
knocks on
in dull succession,

as i slowly suffocate
beneath the hum
of the melody,
in the unadorned cage
of my own reflection.
this one is about being trapped inside your own head. (translated from hungarian.)
August 13, 2025
i’ve been feeling empty,
a mere vessel.
kept praying for something
to change.
but something shifted
when it came.

thought i’d already
met the ground,
until i learnt
you can sink lower —
disintegrate,
and drown.
this one is about the moments when depression takes you to your lowest.
August 13, 2025
The waves are closing in
As I swim towards the finish line
I feel my claustrophobia settling in
My body swaying left and right

My eyes fixated on being first
Tunnel vision now my guide
I ignore everyone around me
If it means reaching solid ground

Medication's slowing down my thoughts
But I'm running out of time
How many times can I fall down
Before I cannot rise?

Before the water gives from under me
And my lungs let out a desperate cry
Screaming, "Save me Jesus!"
"These waves drag me down to die!"

"Why do you test My mighty power
When I have saved you every time?"
"Oh you of little faith
Rise up, leave your fears behind"

"Your sins have been forgiven
For I became a living sacrifice"
"Your soul has been made anew"
Jesus spoke, as He calmed the piercing tides

Now He carries my anxious burdens
When I'm losing all my might
Every day I get to know Him more
In the morning and the night

He guides me towards the narrow path
When I'm wandering from His design
He quiets my inner demons
Before I lose my mind

He reminds me of my identity
When the enemy whispers lies
He reveals His awesome power
When my doubt begins to rise

Only He can offer resolution
For these problems I face in life
He is my sole provider
Of my needs which come with time

So I urge my brothers and sisters
To call upon our mighty God!
For He will calm the stormy waters
And prove that He is Christ
I wake—
and the train fires up.
The first thought goes into the furnace.
Then another.
And another.

The fire swells.
The wheels bite.
The carriage shudders.
We’re moving.

I’m stoking without trying—
every thought is fuel.
Good, bad, doesn’t matter—
the fire eats it all.

Smoke pours in—thick, black,
like a pit on a winter’s night.
The thoughts are starting to choke,
curling and crowding,
filling the air until I can hardly breathe.
I cough. I choke.
Still, the train hurtles on.

No signal. No brakes.
It doesn’t even need a track.
The faster it goes, the heavier the smoke.
I’m as still
as the hands of an unwound clock.

I want to jump.
I want to make it stop.
But the thoughts keep coming.
The furnace roars.
The wheels scream.

And then—
through the haze—
a figure.

She sits beside me.
Takes my hand.
Her voice—soft, but certain—
“It will be all right.”

The fire falters.
The smoke thins.

She leans close,
reminding me of the first time I saw her—
she was the only one I could see,
the only noise I could hear,
the only thing I wanted to breathe.

The train slows.
I can see her face—
just as beautiful as that first night.

I breathe deep,
clearing the air from my lungs,
feeling the wheels ease beneath me.

She stands, still holding my hand.
“Let’s get off this train,” she says.
“You’ve stopped it.
And if the fire starts again—
remember the things that made the world stop:
the first time we met,
the first breath of our son,
a golden sunset,
the monsoon rain.”

The train is always there,
its furnace door open.
But now—
I know how to walk away.
Where the air is clear.
Where her hand is in mine.
Anxiety.
It eats you from the inside out.
It claws and tears its way through your ribs,
Like a staving hyena desperate for food.
It is chained inside with no way out.
Chains that drag you deep into the water.
Deep into a dark void.
A void that is suffocating,
Forming a lump in your throat
Like hands wrapped around your neck.
A lump that strangles you,
And holds you down.
Causing the inability to know up from down.
It’s the monster lurking in the abyss
Grabbing you to make you one of your own.
sometimes
i need to remind myself
you’re my therapist,
not my buddy.
but man,
i wish i could text you.

i’m breaking
to pieces,
tearing
at the seams —

could you please
clear your calendar
for me?
this one is about depression, and wishing you could lean on someone you’re not allowed to.
I am afraid.

I am so small,
the world so vast.

I am no one.

~ butterflies in my stomach
my anxiety is taking everything from me
even my eyelashes and my eyebrows
you said:
“you’ve been kinda annoying this week”
ok…
I guess I deserve that
so I start to cry
you leave me alone
alone
alone
alone
in a dark room
in our double bed
alone
alone
alone
I want to breathe
but I can’t
where is the air that was here?
so I just cry
cry
cry
cry
it’s a never-ending cycle
the pills calm me down
you apologize
you say you didn’t mean it
but I still feel
alone
alone
alone
no seriously what’s the point
like they hand me this plastic bottle
full of “fix me”
and im supposed to believe
these tiny sugar dots are gonna save my life
like yay science thank you doctor man
you’ve officially cured my brain
…. except no
because i still wake up and the first thought is ugh
and i still go to bed and the last thought is ugh
and all the middle thoughts are worse

i swallow them anyway
every morning like a good little patient
smiling like yeah totally “getting better”
but it’s just
chalk and spit
and everyone keeps saying “just give it time”
like time isn’t the exact thing
that’s been killing me slowly this whole time

and it’s funny
because when i really needed them to work
when i was one inch away from not being here at all
they just sat in my stomach
doing absolutely nothing
lazy little magic beans
refusing to sprout
and i guess im still here
but not because of them
never because of them

maybe they’re just placebos
maybe everyone knows it but me
maybe they’re hoping ill stop talking about it
because my silence is easier to swallow
than the truth that
im still
not
okay
20:05pm / i don’t think meds are working
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