Education
Something that is revered for its ability to change people's lives for the better, help people escape poverty, change the world.

For me?
School almost killed me.

At face value, it doesn't make much sense.
I wasn't being bullied, ridiculed.
I excelled.

But without my identity as the "smart kid" and doing well in school, I thought I was nothing.
Had no other skills or values to contribute.
I tried hard to break free from this thinking,
Tried so incredibly hard,
But this feeling haunted me.
For many years.

I know that's harsh and not true, but my brain was hell bent on this reality.
So I pushed myself to untold lengths to excel in undergrad, tiptoeing on a balance beam, bad marks threatening to push me off the ledge.

No way to live.

Being out of school and in work I learned that I was so much more than a student.
A volunteer, friend, girlfriend, daughter, granddaughter, hiker, traveller, runner, baker, advocate, warrior.
This saved my life.

So it makes sense now back in full-time school again where memorization and multiple choice rules that I feel the familiar sensation that all I am is a student and a slave to school.
It makes sense the transition has been insanely difficult when I'm returning to what nearly killed me.

This time, I know better, I'm in control.
I will not allow school to take its toll.
I will protect myself and who I've grown to be,
and never let school be the end of me.

I'm enveloped into my mind
This world was never meant for my kind,
So I fade way into pure imagination
Were I'm met by fascination
And I am greeted by my own Validation
My realm is realities Evacuation
Here everything is strange
But I wouldn't exchange
This dream-like place
For the face
Of desperate society
That causes my anxiety
In conclusion
Stay in delusion.

I like simplicity,
I adore routines,
So that I can predict what happens next,
So that it’s guaranteed.
Life doesn’t work that way,
The wheels of fate,
Bound and determined to make me afraid,
And ruin my plans.
I start to panic,
And go manic,
When things change from the normal.
I wish to disappear,
And return,
When things are back to normal.
It’s a habit,
Hard to break it,
But I’m working on it,
To not panic,
And go manic,
When the routine breaks in two.
It’s a journey,
With the ending,
Nowhere in sight.
I’ll keep trying,
And defying,
The odds,
To make things right.
Routine is my friend,
And my enemy,
Bound,
For eternity.

Like a butterfly sporadically flapping its wings

My hearts beats without any strings

I can’t control it but it controls me and everything counterfeit

Like a ship signaling for help to get to the docks

A faint signal, three dots, three dashes, three dots

My heart speaks a language I used to know

how long can I keep up the facade?
hold my head above water,
paste a smile on
not feel the buzzing underneath my skin
Ten years later, there it is again
can you believe it?
back like it never left
Whether to protect or sabotage,
to be determined
A month in, and there she is
a bitter reflection, grenade in hand
ready to pull the pin
just when you think you're safe

The greenery of this place never fooled me
The sky just looks so fake,
the clouds are drawn on.
Im at the park on the swings
I need to feel something in my stomach before I waste away at the young ripe age of 5

Just 8 years later getting fingered on the same slide I was afraid of as a little girl
The wind from the past keeps the swings on the playground moving higher
Doing the things that are bad for me
Just to feel lighter

When I'm 15 I have no place to be
No one and nothing to call home
Not even my body is somewhere I know.  
I pop a xannie for the thrill
Hoping that stranger I messaged will take me away from the godforsaken place

This stupid park that holds me so captive.
Run away can't face what is happening
In my head, I'm already dead
Nothing is real
take a Xanax
I only like doing the things that are bad for me
I only like feelings if they're going to make me bleed
I don't care about the context
Of my universal insignificance, I can't even repent. Sitting here on the floor. Higher than the swings ever brought me.
Crashing harder and harder each time I speak.
I can't get off the swing.