i’ve been thinking
a lot
about my life today
and it’s been
making me
feel
pretty ******

i’ve done a lot of ****
i shouldn’t have

i’ve hurt good people

i’ve let my impulses
guide me
into dark corners
i never should have visited

and whenever
i know
i’m doing something
wrong
it makes me feel
heavy guilt
weighing me down

and then i
always tell myself
why
it was wrong
and that
i’m not
going to do it anymore

and then
i don’t
for a bit

enough time goes by
that i forget
how bad i felt
the last time
i did it

and i do something
******
and selfish
again

the cycle
never seems
to be broken

it doesn’t end
it only begins
slightly shifts
and
then
bends

i can’t seem
to be happy
for more than
a few days
(if i’m lucky)
at a time
and whenever
i feel like
“this will be the thing that helps me”
it is usually
far from
something
that will
actually
help me

i just feel like
i’m really bad
at making decisions

i get overwhelmed
thinking
there’s no point
in me
continuing
my life

i do nothing
but make mistakes
and hurt
myself
and the people
who
supposedly
love me

maybe
you can
teach me a lesson
that needs
to be learned

about how
i’ve always
been
the fire,
but i
can still
get burned

i get through times
that i honestly
don’t want to
i dream of days
that are far away
hoping
i’ll eventually
get
to you

but my efforts
are worthless
completely pointless,
really

i know
how
and when
and why
people love me

it never lasts
i’m a fleeting feeling
used
and abused
and only out here
to soften the numbness
to create the false illusion
of something
that will
never
truly
exist
i’m so often
and easily
missed
for things i can never
actually be
sorry.
i’m just me

words are nice
they can create
a facade,
a cozy home
for false feelings
to fester
and mess up
our heads

my life isn’t real
where the ****
are my meds?

i am trying
to exist
but to exit
sounds much cooler
which way is out?
i see the emergency exit
but i’m trying so hard
not to sound the alarm
in my poor attempt
not to take it
oh, my smile?
it’s fine
i mostly fake it

no one seems to know
even though
i’m not
a great liar
but i’m a decent actress
and i can pretend my way
through this mess
in a way
that
only those
who pay attention
will notice

which way is up?
i could try to tell you
but it would only be a guess

you are too good
and too bad
to be true
wouldn’t life just be
a lovely fantasy
with you?

under construction
this new thing
that we’ve built
covered by
a hovering
obstruction
of guilt

the last time
i felt anything
even close to this
was
never

i want to squish
those bratty lips
into a pucker
like a fish
and give you
an awkward,
but hilarious
kiss
and even though
we’ve not yet
touched
it’s your face
and smile
and voice
that i always miss

this heart
in my chest
says that it
likes you best
and who am i to argue?
why should i
try to protest?
i must confess
that my life
and my mind
are a constant mess
i don’t know if
i’m a damsel
but i’m
most certainly
in distress

****, i really like you
i really want you
i crave
to feel your embrace
to look into your eyes
and rub my face
against your face
to bite your lip
and give you
a taste
i promise not to let
a single
drop
of your
worth
go
to waste

i actually want to live
because
there’s so much
i want to give
there’s so much
i want to share
with you
and the world
when it feels
like just yesterday
i didn’t ******* care
i didn’t think
i could go anywhere
but down
and kept hoping
to soon
end up
in the ground

but here i am singing
and smiling
and doing what i love
with you in my mind
and my heart
giving me
something to dream of

*******, you *******

i love you

anxiously pacing
smoking cigarettes
to just get away
alone in a crowd
crowded by memories
when alone
i beg for mercy
but like prayers
i'll never have answers
drink to sleep
pills to not dream

Like a window smashed,
waxing accidental cracking of glass;
canyons mapped as light refracts fast,
captured through snapping fragments and gaps.
Hung unintact, procrastinating its shattered collapse,
stress tracks have the last laugh
as paths from impact form webs and traps.
Gilded, a net of gold wraps as fractured attack grasps
before being scattered and blackened to an abstract mass of countless unmatching halves.
Tangled, travelling passions cast into a savagely scratched mask;
mouth closed, asphyxiated, and afraid to gasp.

(song lyrics)

i’m up so high
there’s no sky above me
i reach out my arms
i can touch the stars

and on the edge
looking down below me
i see the people
and how small we are

i’m falling down
from the ledge i’ve stood on
dropping fast
as i hit the ground

but i’ll come back
as a ghost, don’t worry
you won’t relax
i’ll make sure of that


i don’t think that i can die
i’ve tried already
but every time
i am still…
alive

i guess i’m stuck
not sure why i’m wanted
but i’m still here
i just don’t give a ****….

when blue skies turn to gray
and the clouds feel unbalanced from the season change
is what i believe stems from my depression

people tend to freeze in my lake of sorrow.
i ice skate above them for remembrance from the memories i borrowed.
it must’ve been a pleasure to get to know me.
soon enough, the sun will come out
and we’ll forget
i don’t believe that to be a bad thing.

when blue skies turn to gray
i find the color in between my fingertips as i’m stuck in bed
even if it’s gray outside
i’ll find a way to make it shine inside my head.

soon enough,
i’ll forget…
and i don’t believe that to be a bad thing.

soon enough.
Hopefully.