i went back to the place we first met so many years ago
and stood on the bright-black staircase
surrounded by crumbling red brick
and thought of you.

i thought of how when i met you, you didn't have a single tattoo yet;
we were both twelve.
i thought of the time you told me you loved me, stammering in the dark by the old van
when you kissed my shoulder and i laughed
when you tried to put your arm around me in a stiff, respectful, chivalrous sort of way
don't worry - i didn't think you were awkward at all.

you always said you'd get a tattoo of my name
which i thought was so stupid, but was secretly so flattered
and now i'm just so curious
but too afraid to ask.

did you forget me?
i've never forgotten you.

I want to fall in love very soon.
A fast love that lasts for a season,
and then we accept the circumstances
under which we must oblige.

I need a band-aid.
Someone to patch up my wounds
for a bit until I heal.
And then a quick sting,
and it's over.

I always tell myself,
you don't need anyone to love you
besides yourself.
Oh, but then I say,
a boy makes it much more fun.

you talk to me as if suicide isn't an option
as if I haven't cut myself six million and one times
      there are only so many ways to count to death
dreams
   can only be ****** for so long

I felt the first crack
                             the day
                                       you called me
                                                              a mistake
to think
   I mistook you for a parent
but you never learned to bare your heart
just gnashing fists and clenched teeth
love
      has always had gaps to escape through
   you just didn't let it

but before I get to note's end
I want you to know
            that I love you
            that I speak it every night into the
                                                   s                           n         e
                                                            l  ­           e
                                                      i        ­                    c
like a prayer
            that I pray that someday it will be enough
   to put cracks in this reality

depression is not the only thing I drown in
under all the blue
I am gushing with red
it's just sometimes I forget I'm breathing

I guess what I'm saying is
   **Eventually...
                             I will flood
but I'm holding off as long as I can
~it would be nice if you at least tried to help~

My pre-dawn conviction is weak
This cold ember death will sink its teeth
My winter coat is a sickly sheath
Sloughing with every retreat

I hope you know
Your eyes lit a thousand snows
We drowned beneath

I hope you know
Your lips caught aflame so cold
Disintegrating against me

For whatever reason
Your glassy stare broke apart in the autumn chill
Fluctuating against summer’s warm laugh
Our first wavering dance

We soaked our skin in teenage radiance
An adolescent haze of lust
Plotting our dreams
In the lull before dawn and dusk

I know I’m dwelling on better times
Wasting my life away
Can’t ******* shake this habit of mine
I guess I miss the days
When love was just a song and dance
And every breath held weight
I’m catching ghosts in the pre-dawn light
Lost in a memory daze

I crawled through the dead spaces of old houses
Just to breathe in years old memories
Brimming with adolescent thrill and reveries
Picturesque sceneries in glass-encased eternities

Withered limbs broke apart feinting apathy
Parched and cracked, my lips bore silent screams
As I disintegrated, filling the negative space
That resides where loss and ache form dead weight

I am the calm that breaks your heart
I am the still that never departs
In a frenzied world of dead spire loves
Out of reach, out of luck, and out of touch

I became envy, firing sparks across cold skin
I became adoration, pulsing and sun-kissed
I yearned to hate
I yearned to love

Do I dare coalesce?
What will I become?
Knowing all that’s gone?
Knowing not what’s to come?

Do I dare coalesce?
What will I become?
Knowing all that’s gone
Is all I loved?

i know i put too much meaning into things but--
you texted me first
asking how my day was
who does that without ulterior motives?
hidden intents?
unless you're a saint, you want something to do with me.
i know i give too much meaning into things
*but you texted me first

i guess everything has some quirk that defines them
i like to start things;
flirting with boys and girls
but never planning on following up
learning a new language every week,
then forgetting the one i learned previously
dieting for a week
then eating ben and jerry's for a month
i'm running out of new things to start
i want you to stick

I went back to find him
So he could teach me
How to let go of my bias.
How to love everyone
And everything
And how approach is just a bright smile away from endless possibilities.
I wanted to hold his hand and ask him if we could be friend forever.
I wanted him to forgive me
Of my shortcomings and regret I held on to
And to really relish in the smallest accomplishments

You got under my skin,
and ripped my heart out of my chest.
You lit a match against my skin,
and then stayed to watch it burn.

              * I still cross continents for you.