amplify my struggles
i'm your personal sound system
i'll play my whining on repeat
i'm a broken ****** record

staring at the ceiling fan
stirring up my existence
lately i’ve been dozing off bitter Jim whiskey

reminds me of my time in UK
it smells like my cramped dorm room
with fairy lights on the window
and blood on the white plastic of my trash bin

redbrick home, but it’s cold under the covers
and the sheets are stained
with the smell of coconut oil in your hair

you hold me in your arms sometimes
when you feel like it
i pretend the other days don't exist
so i only recite the good ones to myself

i'm on a loop
repeating the same 16 beats over and over again
until the end of this ******* party

one city after another
they're all exactly the same
just differently arranged letters, same corner stores
different colored clothing, same people

i'm the same everywhere
a puzzle piece from a box
that probably doesn't even exist

bubbles in my ***
i'm squirting sparkling water
jug it down like we're at a teenage party

they call me a paris fountain
throw your lucky pennies
i can be your wishing well

how could u tell you dont like me that way
i'll make your life a treacherous hell

do you even know me
does it ring a bell
****** with my success cuz
you're a wreck who will never make it til the end

you slide into my dms and disappear the next day
you say u a producer?
maker of disaster maybe

you change your mind like bpms
baby im gonna make your words pay

shifting between polar bears
man i’m ******* bipolar
i hate you i love you, hell knows
should i have let you walk?

we were a **** show
brutally perfect kind of picture
hung on my toilet bowl
looking at you
as i puke up the xan bars of last night's party
while you lit up ur blunt

sending u my nudes
while writing love letters
we’re having a rad time
until we a mess

corruption
******* the pain away in our basement
i'm hurting i'm screaming onto the highroad
pulled up my skirt on the curb like a side ***
pick me up pick me up again
car lights flashing

i’ll be your own girl
I’ll do you right doe
while you flying in from LA
crashing your cute face
******* wrecking it against the ground boy

I dive headfirst into the depths of the nightsky
I glide along the outlines the stars have aligned around me
and bathe in the glimmer of light of the moon

I’m so empowered
so full of love
like I belong here
like I was actually born into this space

as planets have collided speckles of energy to give birth to itselves
so have I built myself up from nothing but atoms

I am energy
I am love
I am nothing but particles in collision slow dancing at a high school party
holding each other shyly but eagerly not wanting to ever open their eyes and let go

I breathe in the salt from the nape of your neck and I know it’s real
for the first time in infinities
I feel I can align the skies
move oceans and place mountains aside to create my own personal haven

and I am so grateful for the push into the nightsky
I never realized you’d aspired

I yearn for your lips spreading kisses
across the horizon that is my body
as if lately they haven’t cut like sharp razors
over my shaking wrists
I keep sitting down on to the broken chair
pretending you’re holding it up
but only when you have the power
when I look into your eyes
I feel in control
but only when I pin you down across my bloodstained sheets
like a thread in my embroidery kit
stitch by stitch
I try to pinpoint myself in your universe
but there is no fabric
nowhere to stitch upon
so again I cut it open bleeding out the poison
that endangers me to extinction
I close my eyes to the moonlit room
just to let you pour in again tomorrow

I am spat out of your mouth
I have lost count of numbers
picked off the ground chewed up
and spat out
I'm a tasteless chewing gum
stretched to its extent
my self-worth has been swallowed up
mixed with your toxic saliva
taken away from me, stolen
leaving a vessel hanging on the edge
building block corners appeal to me
I need to feel something
will the ground smashing tears back into my eyes
provide me shelter?
will it warm me?
or leave me as shattered
stuck to the asphalt guiding your feet forwards
shuffling over me
like I don’t exist

trying to drown myself in a glass full of whiskey
pouring my misery out in the world
as I exhale the taste of alcohol
it burns down my throat
lighting a spark in my stomach
I feel relaxed
at last
but I know this won’t last
I drown myself in substance
I lose myself in space
staring at a naked wall
bruised up my body punching itself
against the naked wall
soon it will end
I'm tired
I'm sorry

for he is the monster
i cannot leave my cave wall
i shall be chewed up alive
for his teeth are fatal

butterflies stuck inside nets
neither you nor I
capable to carve out a passageway

I am so sorry
for causing you pain again
promise
I did not intend to spill burning coffee
across your tender skin
like I have done over this page

I would spread oil
between your aching joints
aiding you to walk again
as the truth trembles on the edge of my tongue
threatening to flutter away

as bright as the moonlit stars between us
they're never bright enough for me
my lips screamed empty words
as they pressed cold against yours

sharp blades
cut thin ice
I am wrapped in a cocoon
showered in unconditional light

pitch black, led by street lights
I'm interlacing my soul
across the rink of memories
deathly blades below my childish toes

make one false move
and I drown
between the cracking waters
as my mother is pulling me out
blanketing warmth distances me
from the paralysing thought of the world

nothing but a rental
my body, I'm left empty-handed
windows shattered, broken doors
violent breeze pushes forth
I am abandoned

my lips swollen
all the way down to my throath
I'm frozen
not allowed  to sing another note

tender galaxies
stretch across my delicate skin
stars bursting, they're screaming in pain
creating infinite life, where shadows remain

my body parts
were embellishment stones
inside a crooked pavement
your feet landed on

I'm finally changing
the sheets
from the bed you slept in.
smelly dirtfilled rags

it took me a long time
to change those sheets you slept in
even dust and dirt
felt warm like home

I don't try to wash them
wouldn't remove the stains
I wrap a torch in linen
and light up my flame

you poured me a glass of water
I drowned with broken lungs
you gave me a herb to swallow
I passed out, overdosed
I gave you a bowl of sunshine
in return for your mistakes
I end up empty handed
and the cycle begins again

I grab a knife
with my weak little fingers
butter up
that 9-year old bread

with no certain motive
to swallow
I sit at the lunch table
wishing I’d wept

hide between see-through mirrors
to me they’re the ideal refuge
sacrificing my bones for tomorrow
in hopes they’ll never find truth

a decade has passed
still hadn’t dared to air out my house
but you punched in the windows
broke down the front door
the rotten blood spilling
out on the front porch

I stand vulnerably naked
without walls my house is a stage
and I suddenly realize, I am the artist
painting with colors my beautiful pain

I pick up the butter
and that 20-year old bread
my bones supporting my body
once and again

I fill up with lights
my wonderful home
with no blinding darkness
shame shall not play the main role

earlier
when the sun woke me up
I decided to take a morning shower
in your endless despair

I unfolded
between the delicate creases
that the storming waves
had built up around you

you caught me riding your wave
and unmercifully, you thought
you would drown me
since I was drowning anyway

choking
on your salty sea water
became my daily dose of *******
my comforting shelter

as the ocean having unlimited power
I kept on stumbling
underneath
your bleached layer of foam

Now I am cleaner
than a drug addict after *******
my spirit finally clearer
than the ocean wind
only weeds still tangled up in my toes

door open
suddenly shut close
bolts ******* outside my mind
from the constant banging

I tried so hard
duct taping it into place
permanently
to let the breeze flow in

sadly the monster
keeps creeping in
closing the door behind him
over and over again

your touch was rejected
like a spoonful of sugar in my coffee
but still you stirred in with your burning hands
destroying my taste once and for all

once sober, I withdrew from the devil’s chalice
only way my crippled eyes can now see
but still I queue up for a comforting cup
like them all, i order, one normal life from the tap

one after one, being thrown into trash
no significance to it, never enough
black coffee repeatedly spilled upon my white sheets,
as my embarrassment pours in with the greatest of heaps