A bullet hole,
In fragile glass,
Overkill.

Cracks develop,
Reaching out,
Transparent valleys.

Stability lost,
Splitting now,
Shards fall.

The whole pane,
Collapses with,
Faint echoes.

Hit the floor,
All,
Finished.

Just calm down,
Stop shaking,
Just stop recycling thoughts,
Stop making it worse,
You're not helping,
Keep it together,
Don't,
Let,
The,
Darkness,
Grow,
Too much,
Until I crush myself,
To sleep.

Cross in the box,
Sign off your future,
Contribute your opinion,
Choose your champion,
Lesser of two, three, four evils,
Who you want?
Or who will stop who you don't want?
Can you trust any of them?
No.
But you still have to decide,
Select the victor,
Watch them fall,
Then the agreements.
And finally,
Someone takes over.
That's it.
Another five years.
Your life in the hands of another.

I pause,
Stare,
With baited breath,
Its gentle flow frozen,
Caught between my teeth,
Holding back,
Cowering,
From nothing.

I stop,
Kneel,
Screamed cries,
Burn in my throat,
Flames lick my tongue,
But do not ignite,
Dwindling,
To nothing.

I fall,
Sleep,
In restless dreams,
Eyelids firmly shut off,
Blocking out the dark,
From filling me,
Completely,
With nothing.

Through the mist. searching claws,
Eyes with ill intents.
Through the chill, a whispered breath,
Nails in my chest.

Through the rain, blades glint,
Daggers at my throat.
Through the wind, a screaming voice,
Death's cruel gloat.

Through my mind, storms approach,
Clouding sight and truth.
Through my heart, guilt grows.
Ended youth.

There is no poem today
Because my heart is unsteady
There is no poem today
Because the words might make me cry
There is no poem today
Because it wouldn't make a difference
There is no poem today
Because my soul is trying to hide
There is no poem today
Because I don't want to share my thoughts
There is no poem today

I worry about everything,
I've never been able to just sit,
Just relax,
Unless there's someone there to lie with,
Someone else to stare at the ceiling or sky with,
To talk about songs and dreams.

Sometimes I think it would be nice,
To be able to stop for a second,
And ignore all the confusion,
That swims around my head,
And colours the wind with a false promise,
Of eternal freedom.

But I think of all the things,
That fill my mind,
You outweigh it all,
In every moment of joy and laughter I see you,
And when I'm down,
I know you would make me smile.

The fact is,
I can't escape that fact,
And more importantly,
I don't want to.

I've told you now,
Please try to understand,
I'm not messed up in the head,
Or about to go mad.

I know how to block you out,
If you go on and on,
But I'll **** well correct you,
If you get something wrong.

I know that in school,
I'll face insults and mocking,
But I'll just smile and tell you,
No matter how shocking.

I denied to the ground,
And told to the sky,
That you weren't all wrong,
When you asked if I'm bi.

But the suffix here,
Is not what you expect,
Because I'm bigender,
It's nowt to do with ***.

That simple fact,
Will be run away with and grown,
Into something vastly more,
Than what is certain and known.

But I'm free at least,
To just live my way,
Maybe one day you'll accept,
Both me and May

I watched her go.
She was right there in front of me until...
She wasn't.
I didn't say a word,
Just stood there and witnessed the warmth leave her lungs.
I couldn't even hold her hand,
I wish I had.
For a month I cried,
But every tear that fell only fuelled the angry flames within me.
Soon I was a puppet,
Forgetting empathy,
Addicted to hate.
And his frail body took the pain of my despair.
I saw him almost break,
Then learn to take it.
I didn't notice him grow up...
Until he ran.
Then I saw how much he had changed,
How far we had drifted apart,
Or rather,
How far I drove him away.
The bottle in my hand does not excuse me for that.
I know.
But.
I think I've gone too far now.
She told me to look after him.
I promised...Oh God!
I betrayed her!
And him.

I didn't think,
Nowhere to go,
No way to live,
How was I to know?
I just went as far as I could,
Took shelter from the rain,
Tried to forget,
And sleep with a cold heart again,
Is it any better?
Am I any happier now?
My bruises start to fade,
But I'm not sure how,
To let the memories,
Disappear too,
That keep me up,
No matter what I do,
Her face will always smile,
But vanish too soon,
Replaced with anger and fists,
And that screaming tune,
That repeats through my mind,
No matter where,
It never leaves,
Always there.

Hmm-hmm-hmm
Punch.
Hmm-hmm-hmm
Hit the wall.
Hmm-hmm-hmm
Hit the floor
Hmm-hmm-hmm
Bottle.
Hmm-hmm-hmm
Glass in my arm.
Hmm-hmm-hmm
Bleed.
Hmm-hmm-hmm
Sleep.

"There's nothing we can do for you."
That's it.
Confront your mortality.
Then just lie back and let yourself slip away.
Stare at the ceiling.
Wait for a visit.
Visits that get less and less frequent.
As everyone you love tries to get used to not being around you anymore.
Watch as the bags under their eyes get more defined.
Listen to their tired voices and tears.
Just lie there.
In fear.
In awful, lonely fear.
And wait.
Wait.
.
Wait.
.
.
Then.
.
.
.
Just.
.
.
.
.
Slip.
.
.
.
.
.­
Away.

My head hurts again,
Both inside and out,
I can't stand it any more,
Listening to him shout,
Screaming at his son,
For coping too well,
For not caring enough,
He shatters my shell,
Blames the bottle,
Plays with guilt,
And manages, brick by brick,
To tear down the wall I built,
A fist collides with tears,
And crushes my insides,
Releasing the pain,
That I learned to hide,
So they wouldn't think,
To check if I was okay,
But it's too much,
Far too much today.
So I run away.

Rock against rock,
Tension slips,
Pressure then shock,
First tremor grips,
Fear in the hearts,
Of parents for their children,
It's just the start,
Of the environmental villain's,
Attack. Through the Earth,
Everything shakes,
"Run for all your worth!"
"Quick, before the roof breaks!"
Hearts pounding,
The world begins to fall,
Terror is surrounding,
Prayers for Nepal,
And the zenith, Everest,
Feels the ground move beneath its feet,
The chaos is effortless,
Gravity's quest is complete,
Bringing down the snow,
That clings to the mountainside,
And they all know,
There's nowhere left to hide,
The fateful quake
Measured seven-point-nine,
So much at stake,
We see the death toll rise,
Too strong for too long,
It all goes wrong,
Tears from the young,
And loved ones gone,
The wrath of the world,
That keeps us alive,
Suddenly hurled,
Over a thousand in the fire.

The pain it caused is too great,
To just stand by and wait.
So for once can we work together?
Just try and help each other?

For once let's put our differences aside,
And help.

I could write a love poem.
If I wanted to,
I could fill the page with clichés.
I could find artificial rhymes so I could say,
"I wrote a poem!"
Not just a mess of words.
I could tell a million times of how I long for her smile,
I could remind you that I dream of her eyes,
In a hundred words maybe?
But, that's not the point is it?
To write a poem like that is not for show,
So, I don't.

The important things,
I say them.
Plain and simple.

Well...
Until I'm in the mood for elaborate forms
And
S
t
  r
   u
    c
     t
      u
         r
           e
             s
Like that.
Then I go back to my usual,
Cryptic,
Metaphorical,
Self within the pages.

Bravery is not,
Easy to find,
In a culture such as mine,
We often define,
An incorrect view of what is good,
What deserves praise or should,
Be acknowledged by those who could,
Hand out honours.

Bravery is not,
In shooting a gun,
At another man's son,
Or in knowing you've won,
So with a buffer going for the glory,
So you can have the best story,
Of how you scored the key,
Winning blow.

Bravery is not,
A foolish choice made,
That through luck somehow paid,
Off but always weighed,
Down your chances of success,
Though you always said: "Yes",
When asked: "Was it for the best?"
After time passed.

Bravery is,
Admitting to yourself that you,
Might have been wrong to,
Assume what you always knew,
About yourself was definitely right,
And that things might,
Not be as black and white,
As you thought.

Bravery is,
Telling people you were wrong,
That you don't belong,
In the category you were in all along,
And in fact there's more to the truth,
When it comes to you,
And getting to know who,
Lives in your skin.

Bravery is,
Disagreeing with normality,
Arguing with the morality,
Put forward by the society,
That thinks its way is above,
All else, And loving who you love,
And being proud of,
**WHO
YOU
ARE

Losing focus,
Objective,
Blurring,
Merging,
Lines into haze,
Haze into confusion,
Confusion into no..thin....g,
.
.
.
Then,
Darkness,
Lost,
Nowhere to go,
But forwards,
Maybe?
Whichever way,
I happened to be,
Facing,
Before,
The lights went,
Out,
Of,
Control,
No!
Sense of direction,
Or reason,
Where am I?
I'm just,
Running,
A
i
m
-lessly
To,
Something?
Anything?
Until,
Ther­e!
A light!
G r o w i n g?
Or closing in?
My whole,
Vision,
Sharp,
Set on,
One,
Thing.



Her.

In dreams,
I play out,
The scenarios I fear most,
I take the ridicule,
The pain,
The hatred,
All in one night,
So then,
I have nothing to fear,
For I have already faced,
My fears,
With closed eyes,
And felt the worst,
So I have no excuse,
To run,
Or hide,
From them,
Who seek to wound me,
For I have already been wounded,
When defenceless,
In sleep,
And my greatest fear,
Has been a part of my nightmares,
Since before my tenth year:
To
Just
Be
Myself.

Killed,
Life destroyed twice,
By the same action,
At different times,
But crushed,
Once again,
With the fear,
Of revelation,
Until,
Cast,
Out,
By,
Love.

Singing along,
As I have done so many times,
But today I forget,
To agree with the lyrics,
And find myself,
Lost,
Lost in the music,
Instead of words,
Singing to the tune of another's song,
The words of a poem,
Infused with melody,
And dancing through my mind,
In spontaneous truth,
And then,
Lost,
Lost from my memory,
Gone as quickly as conceived,
And try as I might,
Cannot be recovered onto paper,
Lost.

Waiting in the afternoon
For her sun to rise.
Imagining those Texan sunbeams
Across her waking Texan eyes.

And hearing her voice,
Her laughter glows,
Warming me from the soul out,
The life in me, reborn, grows.

And crossing the ocean,
Strings of care,
Intertwined with worry,
When the other's not there.

And losing connection,
At the worst time,
When exchanged words are brightest,
Interference steals rhythm and rhyme.

And wishing her goodnight,
Whoever tires first,
Never wishes to admit it,
As we treasure every word.

And the most precious gemstone,
Couldn't half compare,
With the chill that rocked my heart,
As I drew her perfect stare.

And falling into sleep,
Smiling as I do,
As my dreams are filled always,
With the beauty that is you.

I am
What I
Am, but
I don't
Always
Want to
Be me.
Even
When I
Know I
Should be
True to
What I
Know is
Me, I
Still find
A way
To av-
-oid be-
-ing me.
In the
Simple
Hope that
Perhaps
Being
Someone
Else will
Make it
Easi-
-er to
Cope with
For me
And ev-
-ryone
Else who
Knows me.
Or rath-
-er knows
The per-
-son they
Call me.

Up late,
But for once my eyes,
Cooperate,
And I see the messages,
Clearly,
She wants to call,
Really?
She wants to hear,
My voice?
But why would that be,
Her choice?
I panic, shoulders,
Shaking,
As I swipe right,
Taking,
The call and hear her,
Speaking,
I speak and then she's,
Freaking,
Out like me.

And followed an exchange,
Of spoken joy,
As the best of friends,
Heard each other for the first time.

To die,
To fall,
To lose,
In an act of,
Life-giving,
Spirit lifting,
Victory,
Is simply,
Nonsensical,
And yet,
Perfect,
Completely,
Irrational,
And yet,
Thought out,
And so,
Incomprehensible,
With human mind,
But absolutely,
And definitely,
The right thing to do,
Because God loved the world so much,
He would let his own creation,
Take his only son from him,
To save his creation,
From the hands of evil.

And the best thing?
The most amazing and inconceivable thing of all,
Is that he did it for all mankind.

Athiest
Agnostic
Christian
Jew
Muslim
Sikh
Hindu
Buddhi­st
Black
White
Straight
Gay
Lesbian
Bisexual
Asexual
Boy
Girl
Big­ender
Transgender
Agender
Young
Old
Kind
Cruel
Happy
Sad
Rich
Poo­r
Healthy
Ill
Free
Enslaved
Safe
Afraid
Intelligent
Stupid
Deaf
B­lind
Disabled
Handicapped
Single
Taken
Married
Divorced
Remarried­
Widowed
Lost
Found
Persecuted
Persecutor
Murderer
Self-harmer
Su­icidal
Unloved
Adored
Popular
Ignored
Beautiful
Ugly
Guilty
Innoc­ent
Outcast
Desperate
Autistic
Bulimic
Alcoholic
Bipolar
Addict
D­yslexic
Anorexic
Schizophrenic
SAVED

Every single human being ever born is saved.

The gentle whir of a dehumidifier,
In a darkened room,
The muffled beats of a playlist,
In a darkened room,
The light glares from a laptop,
In a darkened room,
One curtain drawn, the other caught on the corner of a chest of drawers,
In a darkened room,
A triangle of light on the door,
In a darkened room,
A limp hand dangles from the bed,
In a darkened room,
And a broken soul sleeps as one,
In a darkened room.

And slowly growing,                                                         ­  And quickly lost,
Behold my mind,                                                            ­    Rebuild my mind,
Crawling with doubts and fear,              Construct with patience and joy,
Panicked, rushed ageing,                                   Considered, careful youth,
To cope,                                                            ­                                      To love,
To forget,                                                          ­                                  To thrive,
To move on,                                                              ­                           To keep,
To extinguish the corruption,                      To maintain a new innocence,
Or disguise it with worse,                                    And protect it with smile,
My head filled with dark,                                         Cross my shaking lips,
Emptiness,                                                 ­                                         Freedom,
Swimming in twisting mess,                            Running wherever I please,
Knots of double-helix,                                           Imagined strands of hair,
Tied to keep myself,                                                  Let down to let myself,
Separate from myself.                                                  Escape from my past.

The skies grow dark,
Clouds gathering,
Obscuring the sun in an instant.
The last stand,
One final protest,
As defences break,
Screams,
Pain,
Blood,
Death,
Fills my head,
And all becomes clear,
Di Ffrin, Di Sstrek,
Is my reality,
A sweet melody,
Unsettling,
But sweet,
Oh yes!
It consumes me,
The light leaves,
All becomes dark,
And all makes perfect sense,
They could not help me,
There was no way they could,
But now I have it,
What I need,
The realisation,
In the darkness,
The Purity of Lies.

Our time together,
Passed far too quickly,
But in so little,
You taught me so much,
Some of it bad,
Most of it good,
You showed me,
How to be myself,
Gave me confidence,
Gave me trust,
Proved that I could care,
Proved that I could cope,
You built me up,
To a point where I could,
Lie down next to my mother,
And tell her my secrets,
Secrets I had never told,
That I thought I would never tell,
But needed to be said,
Maybe that time was clouded,
By the arguments and stubbornness,
But you were my first Valentine,
And you made me happy,
I will never forget that,
And what means the most,
Is how you put my happiness before your own,
Even after we were over.

What I'm really trying to say is this:
Thank you.

People don't like labels,
They don't like to be generalised,
Grouped in with everyone else.

Well I'd love one,
But I don't fit into any of them,
Which seems to hurt me more.

I need to understand,
I want something solid, real to hold on to,
To remind me someone knows how to help.

But it's the strange sense,
That I'm on my own, or that I'm too unique,
That gets me and brings me to tears.

I'd love a label,
But society doesn't have one for me,
Not quite.

Slow progress,
No revolution,
But steady success,
Eventually,
Got us to where we are,
Things getting better,
Easier,
Fairer,
Acceptance gaining,
Ignorance failing.

But.

In one signature,
A thousand steps taken,
The wrong way,
Back to before,
When no one,
Understood,
And blindly,
Blamed,
Accused,
Hated,
Divided.

But.

The world screams,
It cries out:
*"They are human too!"

And contact,
Eight months on,
Back to the way we used to be,
Talking,
Laughing,
Teasing,
Again,
Just like before,
And I found myself,
Looking for a little too long,
Into those eyes that entranced me for years,
Do I still?
No.
She cut me off,
She hurt me,
Tore my world apart,
And yet,
Saved me,
And how I longed to return,
To before,
Until,
I found another,
Lost another,
And forgot to look back,
But maybe,
It would be nice,
To just get back,
To being,
Friends.

The Keeper of Peace,
Holds the keys,
As she shakes the bars,
And begs to leave,
He raises an eyebrow,
And tightens his hand,
She sighs softly,
And sits in the sand,
Stares at the world,
Longs to get out,
Taps on the floor,
And begins to shout:
"I've been trapped in here,
Every ******* day,
But you still don't give a ****,
As long as I stay!"
The Keeper of Peace,
Turned at her words,
Grabbed her wrist through the bars,
And spits, words slurred,
"Whatever you say here,
Doesn't change a thing,
You are the bird in this cage,
And when I tell you, you sing."
He releases her arm,
And blinks off her retort,
A murmur of words,
"*******" all he caught,
With a subtle smile,
And a glint in his eye,
He looks her dead on,
And prepares his reply,

"You know,
For a girl who's supposed to be 'Peace'...
You're awfully moody."

"I'll get out one day,
And when I do,
People like you,
Won't know what hit them."

I scratch at my skin,
It screams,
For more,
More!
It begs to bleed,
The blade is resting,
The corner pressing gently,
Not quite breaking through.

And then the drops fall,
Glistening on my bare arm,
Gently beading and running,
Tracing my veins,
With a shimmering trail to my wrist,
Where my frail bones divert their path,
To fall again,
And soak into the floor.

But mercifully,
The stain on the carpet is not red,
Tears not blood where shed.

The rain falls and yet,
Darker clouds to come,
Lumbering towards,
Increased intensity.

And I find myself,
Approaching the point,
Of greatest downfall,
And lingering there.

All too soon,
Blue skies interrupt my,
Joyful refreshment,
Leave me soaked in silence.
...
Motionless
...
Stare
...
Stand
...
Walk
...
Home

Diego,
Tell me your secret,
How you make her smile even when you sleep,
So effortless you are,
In bringing her happiness.

Diego,
Show me how,
You gained her affection,
So long before I even knew her or you,
Your black and white fur,
Stole her delighted eyes.

Diego,
Aren't we the same?
All we want is her company and kind words,
To see her every day,
To know that she cares.

Diego,
It's not fair is it?
You have a natural advantage I can't compete with,
You're a cat,
An extremely cute cat.

I mean,
How am I supposed to beat that?

Look right through me,
See right through,
Every lie,
That left my lips,
Strip off,
Every mask that hid my face,
Ignore,
How I want you to see me,
And see what's left:
My invisible soul,
My invisible thoughts,
My invisible personality,
My invisible words,
My invisible love,
Everything about me worth seeing,
Cannot be seen.

But maybe,
Maybe it doesn't need to be.

'We made it!' Comes the cry,
Our eyes flicker open as the sun rises,
The darkness finally gone,
The daylight growing.

We stretch,
Lifting our heads to look to the light,
Or frail arms and palms open,
Soaking in the warmth.

And soon our faces are filled,
With joyous colour,
Vibrant yellows, purples, reds,
All screaming with the excitement of a new day.

We hear the buzzing of insects,
Filling our hearts with hope,
That this year we will pass on,
The wonder of life again.

And every one of us smiles,
When we see children playing amongst us,
When we see new birth,
We cannot help but turn to the sun to say:
*Thank you

Would it be so hard to open the door?
Would it be so difficult to let myself escape?
Would there be any loss in leaving this place?
Would I really mind if I could see again, rather than sitting here in the dark?
Would it make any difference to let my skin feel the warmth outside?
Would it be any worse if I was out there than if I stayed here?
How much would it hurt to accept the open air?
Would it hurt at all?
Maybe it would.
But I guess I'm getting desperate now.
So why not?

Shouts, pounds,
Squeaking trainers,
And once again I'm just one,
Of a team of failures.

My name is called,
I hear too late,
Whip round my head,
But take the full weight.

Glasses fly off,
I fall to the floor,
Dazed and out of breath,
And a demoralizing score.

The world becomes blurred,
And nothing is clear,
Except the laughter,
The accusatory jeers.

This is my reward,
For trying my best?
Well in that case enjoy your three man team,
Because I need a rest.

I imagined I gave you,
All the love in every vein I could,
Every part of me I thought was good,
And every word I knew I should,
Share with you.

I imagined your hand in mine,
Comforting me when I was down,
Pulling me out when I almost drowned,
Accepting me when I found,
Another inside.

I imagined I held you,
When your ocean eyes were filled with tears,
When your perfect heart was drilled with fear,
When all you wanted was not to hear,
Deafening noise.

I imagined I was there,
When happiness lost its ring,
When you needed me more than anything,
When all you wanted was to hear me sing,
My love to you.

I imagined a world where you and I could share glances with each other,
Or gaze for eternity,
Where time lost its hold,
And let us slip between the hours,
In an endless embrace

I imagined an infinity of loving you,
But none of it outshone reality.

I am host to another soul,
Separate and happier indeed,
Without her I don't think I'd be quite whole,
But I'm not sure where all of this leads.

May, are you me or just trapped inside?
Do you feel the same way I do?
Do you hate or pity me or can't you decide?
Should I have realised sooner I was restraining you?

Please don't blame yourself for what you didn't know,
I was hidden well, my voice came from below,
I was lonely, yes, and trapped within,
The empty forest I lived in,
But it wasn't your fault, I don't think, no.

I may not be you but we are sharing this mind,
And I think I feel the same way you do,
I don't hate or pity you, if you weren't here I know I'd die,
And it's not your fault, I hid away from you

Together, tell me it will be alright.
*Together, I know we can win this fight.
And don't ever doubt that I'll be here with you.

They tried, and failed,
To ease our rage,
With a list of rules for anarchy,
To last through every age.

They tried, and failed,
To control our minds,
With borders, laws and ministers,
To govern mankind.

They tried, and failed,
To give us what we want,
Why submit to these terms,
When we could respond?

They tried, and failed,
To prevent our distress,
Compared to Eunomia,
This state is a mess.

They tried, and failed, to create chaos.
We will restore Order.

I live,
In the forest within my mind,
Always searching, trying to find,
Another.

I'm free,
To run and sing and dance,
Now I've been given a chance,
To escape.

I love,
Everything I can see,
All the joy around me,
I can smile.

I hate,
Having to return there,
To that lonely place where,
It's just me.