your voice is a curse
that i can never get rid of.
it entices me,
pulls me in
until there is no more rope to be held
and you have to throw me back out again
just to reel me in once more
so you can speak to me
with your voice made of poison.

i can never tell who’s worse.
me.
or you.

i expected you to come. but i didn’t expect to care. i thought the past was, well, the past. but seeing you, was just a whole other story. it felt like i was relapsing. what i thought i had left behind of you, came flooding right back into the conscious sector of my brain. i looked at you for a brief moment and then immediately looked away. i didn’t want you to know, but somehow i got the feeling you already did. seeing you once again made me realize that you were exactly what i craved, the unknown lust in the back of my brain. you were what i wanted, more so what i needed. i looked away as soon as your eyes drifted to mine, but even then you never stopped looking. i tried to stare the other direction, to engage in conversation with my friends, but somehow my eyes always drifted back to yours. i never wanted to look away. and every time our eyes met, it felt like the moment would never end. and i never wanted it to. as i stared into your eyes, i felt a longing, a sorrow, a hatred, and empathy. memories come flooding back, one by one, many good, many awful. all i wanted in that moment was you. but somewhere i knew that i could never have you. my brain tried to make a logical/realistic way that we could maybe work this out and that all would end on a good note, but nothing was coming to me. and then i wondered, how many times must a scab be picked in order for it to scar? because it seemed like no matter how times i picked that scab, disregarding all of the pain and tears, it never seemed to scar. i thought that maybe that meant that one day we could be happy. i should know by now thought that destiny would never let that happen. so hours went by of our eyes meeting and then we would both turn away, almost afraid of what would happen if we were to continue. there were moments aswell where i could see you out of my perifial vision, staring at me with a sense of longing. us being in the same room felt nostalgic. i hated that i still felt this way, that i still love you, even though you have broke me time and time again. tonight we spoke no words to each other, but our eyes spoke sentences. my heart hurts at the fact that this is the way i have to live. in longing. waiting for a love i was denied, many times. cheers my love. **

if you were to look inside yourself
what do you think you would see?
a puppy chasing cars
or a happy family?
or would you see a beast
devouring your insides,
ripping you to shreds,
cutting you with knives?
would you see all blackness
just simply nothing at all?
or a monster called depression
who’s building you a wall
to block you off from reality
so you will just be gone
from this devilish toxic home,
where you just don’t belong.

the tang of your freedom
laced my tastebuds with a bittersweet aftertaste
that incessantly made me want more

and with every dose
i became more addicted to everything you had to offer
until i had ****** you completely dry.

it was then that i realized, that when life gives you lemons
you shouldn’t always make lemonade

savor the tang

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sometimes it takes nothing
for you to realize everything.

(we were) fire and ice.
polar opposites.
fire melts ice.
but does ice freeze fire?

you told me to show you where i hurt.
but you were wearing a blindfold.
and my hands were tied behind my back.

you told me to tell you how i feel.
but you had plugged your ears.
and i was choking on my own spit.