this is something I can honestly say,
the reason I smile every day
is because of you,
and all the things for me that you do,

you're the light of my life and the sun in my sky,
the fire in my soul and the apple of my eye,
my shining star and no matter where you are
you will always be in my heart,
I will always want you when we're apart,

because every day since the start
you have been my sun,
In my sky you've been the only one
opening my eyes and lighting the way,
showing me the beauty in every day,

warming my soul when it's lonely and cold,
giving me back the love I once foolishly sold,
with your beautiful smile and heart of gold,
you make me strong and you make me bold,
I only hope I can do the same for you,
because you deserve all the love and happiness too,

you never lead my heart astray,
And though I didn't think there was a way,
I still love you more with each passing day,
that is something I can honestly say.

It was just a crush at first that I had on you,
but we talked and shared and it grew and grew,
I just wanted someone to smile at me through
the pain of waiting for someone like you,
but I never imagined that you'd like me too,
   so darling,
      what did we do?

We hung out and talked for hours a day,
could never run out of things to say,
I got used to looking into your eyes,
used to thinking of you when I look at the skies,
wanting to kiss you and hold you and miss you,
take you to places that we've never been too,
if there's one thing in my life that I never thought of,
   its that this is how one day
      i'd fall in love,

And it was so beautiful,
at least for a time,
I was yours and you were mine,
so happy I would shout at the skies
with pure joy streaming from my eyes,
and everything just came together,
but love wasn't enough to hold you forever,
   then suddenly,
      it was all over,

And for a while it was so hard to stay sober,
only numbness would take away the pain,
every night trying not to go insane,
wondering how I ****** up,
where it all went wrong,
was it ever even real all along,
was it true when you said I love you
as you gazed into my eyes,
   how much was truth,
      how much was lies,

And now I miss you,
I want to see your smile,
I want to lay next to you again
and hold you for a while,
and feel your breath on my arm
and smell your hair in my face,
go back to that special place
when we were happy
and nothing was wrong,
   i'd read a poem,
      you'd play a song,

But I have to realize that's all gone,
you made your choice and I have to move on,
I hope in time the tears fade away,
and maybe again I can feel one day,
the way I felt when I was with you,
but i'll never forget what we went through,
and baby no matter what I do,
you're the only one I'll ever think of,
   when I remember
      my first love.

I wanted to watch you stand atop a mountain gazing into the distance,
I wanted to hold you beside a burning fire,
I wanted to kiss you on the beach
and make love under the stars,

But now I cant,
and all I have left are these empty dreams I wanted to share with you,
and all these things we wanted to do
with no one else but just us two,
dreams of us sharing a tent,
a few years down the road after time has went,
a fire crackles and the crickets sing,
in your eyes the fire is glistening
and everything
is as it should be,
away from the world just you and me,
it could have been a memory,
but now it’s just a fantasy,
nowhere near a dream.
nowhere near reality,
I guess love ain’t what it seems

This is where I want to end up,
at the edge of the forest overlooking a lake,
the sound of nature every time I wake,
in the middle of nowhere with woods all around,
somewhere to be lost,
and nowhere to be found.

I want to build her a cabin in the woods,
so she can wake up to the melody of singing birds
and the smell of trees coming through the window,
so she can sip her morning coffee in the forest
and feel the dewy grass between her toes,
so she can close her eyes and hear nothing
but the river, the trees, and the gentle wind,
so every night she can lay by a fire and read a book,
watch the stars, or fall asleep in my arms,
breathing free air and smiling
knowing she is right where she wants to be,
in a cabin in the woods with her dog,
and me :)

One day we’ll be walking through a field of flowers,
sitting by a silent river,
standing atop a somber mountain,  
or laying on the beach watching the sun set over the ocean,
and I’ll still be gazing at you,
because to me
you will always be
the most beautiful sight I could ever see.

That silent moment,
when midnight hits,
everybody locked in lips,
eyes closed lost in touch,
beer, shots, friends its such
a happy moment to see,
minds filled with ecstasy
but none for me,
no silent bliss,
no taste of lips,
no glow after the New Year's kiss,
but boy was I nervous,
I probably would have missed,
I kept telling myself "I'm ready for this"
and my heart was beating so ******* fast,
but the moment came,
and then it passed,
I wanted it to last a little bit longer,
if only I could have just been stronger,
I might not be waiting any longer
for her to accept my lonely lips,
I guess I have to wait for next New Year's kiss

I'm just trying to make my life a little better,
I cant see the road as I'm storming through this weather,
but I know that I'll keep going because I know I gotta try,
I appreciate the offer but this isn't the day I die,
because I still gotta fly, gotta laugh, gotta cry,
gotta feel all the joy's that come with this crazy life,
and don't tell me that it's too hard and don't tell me that you cant,
that's why we have each other so that we can lend a hand,
no one has forever so don't waste it in the dirt,
now get up and wipe the blood off on your shirt,
keep going until you get exactly what you're worth,
I'll be right there by your side with my love in every verse,
I'll push you from behind even when it hurts,
we're all together on this ride,
everybody on this earth.

Why do I ask all these questions
that I can never hope to answer?
my heart only seeks the truth,
but it evades me like love on valentines day,
how do you find what just can't be found?
when my soul shattered all the pieces scattered,
and long sown scars began to bleed again,
the sorrow and sadness set back in,
I remember a time when I was happy,
I could smile as bright as the sun
and have fun without a worry in the world,
but back then I was so young and life so simple,
I didn't know that one man's dream
could be another mans nightmare,
I guess ignorance really is bliss,
because it's easier to smile when you forget about the pain,
but i'd still rather suffer in knowledge,
than be blind in ignorance,
I just wish it wasn't so hard to tell the difference
between what I want
and what I need.

This isn't where I though i'd be at 24,
drifting in the sea clinging to a broken door,
I thought life hit hard but love shook me to my core,
I buckled to the floor,
no way I could predict what was in store,
because trust me love hits like a truck,
I'm sitting here like where the **** is my mind?
I left all rational thought behind for the sake of love,
I don't know what I was thinking of,
so I turn my love into poetry and song
because I'm just trying to keep my heart strong
until she comes along and flips me on my head
and gives life to parts of me that I thought were dead,
because I've been lonely and depressed but I'll take love instead,
even though love isn't always the best,
sometimes it puts too much pressure on your chest,
until your hearts breaks and your head aches,
but you know the stakes when you're playing the game
and I say it's worth all the torture and the pain,
I'll walk through the fire and the flame,
I'll take all the hate and all the blame,
baby just keep on driving me insane
and I swear I'll keep this fire burning for you,
because love,
I know I drive you crazy too.
So what are we to do?
just a car, some ****, and only us two,
we can sit here for a while
and talk about the things that make us smile,
we can laugh and joke as we smoke the time away,
vent about work and the stressful day,
neither of us saying what we really wanna say
but still I wouldn't spend my time any other way,
because as long as I can hear your voice and look into your eyes
I can keep soaring through the skies with these words as my wings,
yet I still cant describe the joy that your smile brings,
and my heart sings for all the little things you do,
so love, what are we to do?

Sometimes it's hard to find motivation for even the simplest things,
like lifting my hand to write,
my pen feels so heavy,
like dragging a metal tube over thin dead trees,
the dark blood pouring from my hand
mixes with my tears as they fall to the page,
the blurry letters cry out but I don't recognize them anymore,
so I lay on the floor and try to decide what to do next,
maybe i'll just sleep here,
maybe sleep is whats best.

The words I want to say never want to come out,
even when I scream and shout,
my mind is just filled with doubt,
the words freeze in my every breath,
being unable to self express feels like death
and I can feel the pressure inside of my chest,
I can form a few words, maybe a sentence at best,
like a rope around my throat blocking my voice,
and then people try to tell me that I have a choice,
as if anxiety, depression, & fear would ever adhere to my will,
as if I could **** all the sadness with a simple thought,
but that's just not how it works,
because it still hurts no matter what I do
and I don't know how to explain to you
how I feel,
you can't see the pain but it's real,
and if I were able to show you I would,
but all I can do is just wish I could,
                   I wish I could..
I wish I could smile just like you,
and maybe laugh the same way too,
sleep & wake with a smile on my face,
walk with confidence in any place,
surrounded by people I know & love,
always looking up & above,

But no matter how much I want it to be,
that's just not me, its a fantasy,
can't you see the reality that I just cant and I don't know why,
and all I can do is just scream and cry!
wishing I could die because it's just too painful to be alive!
but I don't have the guts to do it myself,
even though there's no one else
to stop me from taking my own life,
ledge, led, noose or knife it doesn't matter,
I just can't pull the trigger,
yea I keep my life but my demons just grow bigger
as my heart & soul wither until I'm broken cold & bitter,
i'll sit here with a shiver,
trying to catch my tears before they fall,
wondering if I could have ever been happy at all.

Safe travels on your journey,
wherever you go,
know that in nature you always have a home,
the place where your beautiful children have grown,

Hold them close,
because ahead there may be darker days,
but together we can find the ways
out of the darkness & into the light,
because we humans don't give up,
we fight,
we fight against the coming night,
so that our children might see a brighter tomorrow,
free of fear, chains, & sorrow,

So safe travels on your journey,
wherever you go,
don't forget to sometimes take it slow,
just close you're eyes,
Smile,
& feel the wind blow,
take in the sun's heart warming glow,
listen to the rain & the water flow,

And late at night when you look up at the stars,
think of where you've been & where you are,
and don't worry how far the journey is ahead,
just fall asleep & rest your head,
tomorrow the world will have much more to show,

Safe travels my friends,
wherever you go.

I travel to different places,
see new things, new faces,
new cultures, classes, colors & races,
I made this path with my own two hands
because I decided as a man
that I'm gonna do what I can to travel the land,
because I have a problem,
I cant stand still,
I need to test my strength of will,
I need to fight, conquer & ****
this fear controlling my lonely being,
the darkness that keeps me from seeing
whats right in front of me,
a way to be happy,
a way to smile,
a way to feel at ease for a while,
because for as long as I remember I've been at this by myself,
but now I think I might need someone else
to push me when I slack,
to stand by my side & share the weight on my back,
& I don't know when i'll crack,
because nothing lasts forever,
but maybe if we stay together,
we can make whats left of our time better.

I'm the kind of guy that likes to lay in the grass
and stare at the sky
no matter what time of day it is,

I let my mind wander to far off places,
I think about the things that are the most beautiful to me,
the starry night sky,
a thunderous rain storm,
the eyes of a woman,

These thoughts loom in my mind for hours upon hours,
thoughts of adventure,
thoughts of love, of passion,
I fashion day dreams & fantasies in my imagination,
and I revel in the aesthetic pleasure
of these realities in my mind.

There is nothing like stepping outside on a chill morning
& standing barefoot in the dewy grass
with my eyes closed against the rising sun.

The light piercing my eyelids fills my vision with a calming sunset red
that perfectly visualizes the feeling of the softly warm sun rays
blanketing my skin as the morning breeze paints my body
with a fine chilled brush.

I feel each patient beat of my heart
singing a song with the morning birds,
the flowing river & the dancing trees.

The sweet melody satiates me with serenity
& if only for a moment,
I am happy.

Time goes on,
it's marching on,
forever a never-ending ending song,
a ballad of existence
& unwavering persistence
without resistance,
we're but an infantismal instance
on the infinite track of time,
insignificant to the grand cosmic line,
incomprehensible to the mind,
we're blind to its true nature,
it's secrets, it's behaviour,
& one day we may succeed in our endeavour to understand it better
& time will be under our command,
but I rue that day,
for I fear humanity's way,
will be death by time's hand.

When the wind blows I close my eyes,
i feel the cool air painting my skin,
the same breeze that dances with the trees
and gently waves the grass,
it passes through my hair
like a lover so fair,
so soft, so caring, so kind,
and if only for a moment,
I am in serenity in my mind.

I'm trying to be happy in all the ways that I know how
but in this life of uncertainty its all for naught,
and these caverns in my heart just keep getting deeper,
they keep getting colder and darker
and like beautifully crafted blades
the loneliness is killing me in the softest and slowest ways.

I don't know how to stop the bleeding,
it's taking it's toll and freezing my soul away from the life I want to live,
and nothing I try will give
because I don't have the will to be who I want to be.

So it's ever just me,
falling to the depths of my oblivion sea,
watching the light fade as I sink into the dark,
deep stark silence eases me to the bed,
I close my eyes and retreat into my head
to feel one last happy thought before i'm gone,
but it's all been for naught all along,

And the lonely siren song sings me to forsaken sleep,
ending my agony and pain at the bottom of this ocean deep.

Each day I spend my waking moments
wishing my dream was my reality,
And I descend into sadness
knowing that will never be the case.

So I just exist through the day
wondering when I will die,
So that I might be able to return to my dreams forever.

I woke up to my brain having a deathmatch with my skull,
It shouldn't be possible to be this young and feel this old,
I need a cure before I fall over and die,
and all I can do is ask my self why oh why oh why
did I try to drink the whole world away?
**** me, surely I could have made a better decision yesterday.

I don't know where on earth I've ended up,
there are lots of empty bottles and red solo cups,
where are the clothes I was wearing last night?
The clothes I'm wearing are way too tight,
Where are my keys? Where is my wallet? Where is the door?
**** me, I can't do this **** anymore.

My brain is at war and my flesh and bones are dying,
I'm just going to lay in this hot shower and start crying,
trying to remember what I did the night before,
hoping I have no more regrets in store,
why do I always have to give in to my friends?
**** me, I'm probably going to end up right back here again.

The vex of all men has peered into my eyes once again
and glimpsed to me that which I long for most in this life.
Love, in all of it's beautifully destructive splendor,
it beckons me to let go of all rational thought
and surrender to the waves of my heart crashing down upon my soul.
Swallowing me up into this wild ocean of reckless emotion.
I am miserable in all ways imaginable and...

Please take me away from my mind,
Let me leave everything behind
and shut every door to my heart,
freeze my soul like a work of art,
forever frozen and alone through time,
numb and dead but beautiful and sublime.

Lie next to me on the bed
and lets stare at the ceiling like it's the night sky,
Hold my hand so I don't feel alone, but don't let me go,
or I just might fall back into my head
and get lost again in my crazy thoughts

I wanted to look into the mirror and smile,
but all I see is nothing.

I'm staring into my own eyes
and I cant even see who I am.

Who am I?
I guess it doesn't matter.
We're all lost.

Dear lover,
have you met me?
i'm your man,
i'm your fantasy,

Oh lover,
where have you been?
please don't go,
i'll miss you again,

my friend,
my baby,
my sweet little pea,
my half,
my light,
my compass at sea,

Please lover,
stay with me,
don't wander the world
alone and unhappy,

My lover,
my muse,
my creature of lust,
my drug,
my dream,
my angel of trust,

And so I am lost in the innumerable pleasure of lust and passion. Two bodies, steaming and melding one another into a single being. Experiencing each other in the highest form of ecstasy, the likes of which cannot possibly be replicated in any other way. It is an ensemble of energy exploding in all directions in a colorful blaze. Our minds reduced to our baser instincts of ****** attraction and animalistic nature. Ending in an explosion of pleasure that softly carries you on a cloud into the land of dreams.

I lay on the floor in my room
and stare up at the ceiling fan,
I try to figure out who I am,
Who is this lost young man?

I live a life with no direction or conviction,
Only the demons of my own affliction,

My own self-loathing married my self-doubt
And let loose my darker half,
Dragging my mind into the darkness,
Imprisoning me in the mistakes of my past,

And so I don't know what to do
To escape my prison and move on,
How do I move forward
When everything I do is wrong?

Purpose has eluded me,
Confidence has fled,
My will deminishes,
My heart almost dead.

In all the ways I can imagine
In all the ways I can see
I'm lost inside the darkness
A place of nihility,

A void,
An emptiness,
A lethe within me,
My oblivion sea.

Is this when it starts?
or has it already begun?
does it take one more?
or just this one?

One isn't so bad,
its the only one I've ever had,
another shouldn't do any harm,
so there really is no cause for alarm,

Well now that I've had two,
What's one more going to do?

People say don't give in,
it'll **** you in,
It'll tear apart your life limb from limb,


But I feel fine,
I'm completely okay,
I can just quit any day,

I can control myself,
I don't need to quit,
I'm not like the other people
who lose their life to this ****,

But now that I'm already in so deep,
without it I just cant sleep,
I've run out and I need more,
so in the middle of the night I go to the store,
I spend what little money I have left
just so I can get a decent nights rest,
I wake up and I do it again,
Is this how my life will be til the end?

Scrapping for change to buy another pack,
hack at my skin because I just need another,
my brother telling me I need to change,
but I'm deranged by this demon of ash and charcoal,
burning a hole inside of my soul,
and now I meet death in the face of my affliction,
my demon.
my addiction.

Here I sit,
Pondering deep thoughts and ideas about life and the universe.

What is reality?
What is consciousness?
What is our purpose in life? If there is one.
When did it all really begin?
When will it all really end?

Here I sit
with such thoughts weighing on my mind with every day.
I know I can't answer them yet still I try.
Does that make me a philosopher?
Or a fool?

So here I sit,
Engulfed in my mind,
Searching for answers I can't hope to find.
Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the time.
Probably not, but who really knows?
What else am I to do?
So here I sit.

I dream of walking in the forest on a beautiful spring morning to smell the fresh air,
The trickling river flows,
the grass tickles my toes,
and the wind gently combs my hair,

The rocks still hold last nights cold,
and the plants are still covered in the morning dew,
bathing in the suns radiant hue as it rises from its rest,
I feel its radiant warmth blanketing my chest,

Time slows down in this moment of bliss
where nature has given me a warm loving kiss,
I feel as though i'm floating in the air,
I wish I could share such a feeling as this,

Serenity takes me into the night in my eyes,
On this morning I dream of the star lit skies,
I am in complete peace under the sun,
I have become whole,
I have become one.

Dad.
I want to tell you how much I love you,
So here is my way to express,
how much I appreciate you,
I will do my best.

I know it may sometimes seem like I forget you're there,
Or like sometimes you are just talking to air,
Or that you haven't influenced my life whatsoever,
But Dad that will never be true, NEVER.

You will never leave my heart,
You will never leave my head,
You will always be a part of me,
Even after You're dead,

You won't leave me alone now,
You've never left me alone before,
It's the reason I'm the man I am today,
So I hope to hear from you even more,

I don't mean to take you for granted,
I don't mean to ignore your calls,
I'm sorry if it seems that way,
That's not what I want at all,

I love you so much dad,
I hope that you're with me forever,
I want you there at my worst,
and I want you there at my better,

I'm one of your children,
and we all love you so much,
I hope one day we can take care of you
Just as you have taken care of us.

I love you dad.        Marky

Life can be so hard,
It can be such a heavy burden to bear,
It can wrap around your throat
and make you desperately beg for air,

Its like a weight that I just can't hold,
I'm trying to be bold, but I feel so weak,
and I start think there was never any hope,

So how am I supposed to cope with this sadness in my heart?
With this intangible disease tearing me apart?
Rooting deep inside of my brain,
heightening my sense of weakness and pain,

Forcing me to hate who I see in my reflection,
Believing I am just a rejection,
Sending a ripple through my mind,
Stirring feelings I didn't want to find,

Depressing thoughts start to form by storm,
& I hate myself for being who I am,
This weak pathetic excuse for a man,

& so the stigma of depression inside of my mind
begins to claw and grind at my soul,
Digging a deep dark hole that nothing can fill,
I don't think I have the will to keep on fighting,
I don't think I can cope,
I don't think I have what it takes
to keep searching for hope.

I am trying to write but i can't.

I'm trying to think
and I feel like I'm on the brink
of something.

I'm searching through my mind
trying to find the words to say,
struggling every single day.

Like a dam,
the river of my thought has been blocked,
not locked but left closed,
because I lack the strength of those
who can hold it open,

I think I've lost touch with the heart of my imagination,
and so begins my creative degeneration