I am sure that I am over you
and in the most loving way possible-
you should know there are nights where I cry in gratefulness to the universe for separating us
you should know that your words are no longer honey on my tongue
I am not the girl I used to be
I'm not held down by the weight of another human and I no longer write poetry to decorate your poison
before you, I never knew how to run away without looking over my shoulder
but the moment we said goodbye it was like every memory faded with you
and I know you waste minutes and hours looking for the smell of my perfume in between your lonely sheets
but you won't ever find me there again

I look at my mother, beautiful and alive
I look at her with wrinkles too evident for a woman of her age
telling the stories of all her misery
and I know- she only ever wanted to love and be loved
she only ever wanted to get it right
I see my grandmother, frail and full of wisdom
but tragically alone
no one to grow old with but herself and all of the stories of the men that walked away
I look around at the seventh house I've lived in
but I feel a feeling all too familiar because the same stories repeat in each one
marriages ripped to shreds and I wonder what consistency feels like
and I pray through tear-choked words that I will find a way to break this generational curse
but the truth is I'm terrified
I'm terrified of love because I've only ever lived to watch it fall apart
and I don't blame my mother for the life I've lived because I know she tried her best to make it work
to give us a stable home even if it meant sacrificing her own well-being
I'm terrified of love because I've only ever seen it end in sadness
and I don't know a man who's ever stayed

sometimes I wonder what it would have felt like to call you mine
to get lost in a sea of blankets
and hear your voice on my walk to class
I'm still holding your secrets like porcelain resting in my bones
there are nights where my mind is lost in the confessions we never made
and I find myself missing someone I never even had
isn't it pretty to think of what we could've been?
you'll always be my favorite almost

It's sort of funny in the saddest way.
To find pieces of myself in a man that was never really a part of my life at all.
I wish I knew you well enough to have memories other than playing trivia at a table by the bar watching you stay well past last call.
Fighting with your wife over who would drive home.
Spending every other weekend you had with me staring at the bottom of empty bottles.
And slurring "I love you's" like I might believe them.
Isn't it all I ever wanted?
To be loved by you?
And does anything ever really change?
Can people really change?
You were sober for 5 years after you almost lost your life.
But now I keep waking up to drunk text messages.
Parallel to your drunken confessions in the middle of the night while six year old me tried to comfort you.
Biting my tongue and staring at the cieling fan so I wouldn't cry.
I don't have to hide the tears anymore because you're in another city and I won't ever tell you how bad you hurt me.
But Dad I keep letting men hurt me who tell me they love me at 2 am and I wish I didn't feel like it's because of you.

and if there comes a day where the whole world seems to crumble
if meteorites begin to shake the earth as we know it
and the galaxies beyond us start to swallow our home
if the stars that died one million years ago disappear with the rest of us
tell me you'll still trace poetry on the crevices of my skin even if it's covered in dirt
tell me we'll build a shelter from this planet while it falls apart
nothing can shake this love
asteroids can't destroy us
black holes will never swallow us whole
and know that if the ground we walk ever collapses beneath us
I will find you in another universe- one far away from here
and I'll love you just the same

if you remember me
remember me curled up in your duvet watching you play guitar
remember my hair caught in your mouth and the way we'd laugh in between kisses
remember our firsts and how wonderful they were we couldn’t help but come back for seconds and thirds
remember how the parts of me and the parts of you kept getting tangled in each other
how when we walked away we were both left trying to separate the two
remember me and I hope it's easier to breathe knowing the kind of love this world has to offer

if this is what the wrong love feels like can you imagine us when we find the right

I wonder if I'm able to love without making a catastrophe of it.
Is my heart more than a catalyst for tragedy?
I wonder, did you ever feel like you were drowning in my feelings?
did you feel like you were breathing again as you walked away?
did you feel like another muse for my sad poetry?
I didn't mean to try and use you as the glue for all my broken parts.
I'm a natural disaster and the truth is the ground beneath you shook everytime you came close.
My pure intentions always seem to get twisted but I promise you I only ever wanted to love.
I know I'm poison running through your veins.
I know you wanted to spit me out the second you tasted me.

I'll kiss another boy who doesn't know my mind because if he did as well as you he'd walk away the same.
Just know I tried to be simple. I tried until I felt nothing at all.