As December rolls around the corner
seeing everyone slowly putting up their decorations.
She can almost tell that...
that this year's holidays are going to hurt more.
She wishes that she could feel some holiday joy,
but instead
she feels pain and agony.
She wishes she was in hiding during the time of the holidays.
Alas she can't.
She has to deal with the nonstop arguing of who is getting her for what days,
the what are you getting her? No, we're getting her that!
and the worst one possible, bet you wish you were with your other parent?
Said to say,
Not everyone likes the holidays.
Don't assume that everyone has an easy life,
some people just want peace and quiet during this time
because she is dealing with the depression and pain.
It doesn't mean she won't be happy for everyone else...
but on the inside, she is crying and wishing to be in bed.
Crying to know that her childhood turned a child's favorite holiday into a yell off.
She just needs the holidays to be over to go on with her own life again.

Waking up to want to sleep again,
sleep away the pain that was given to you.
You wish for the pain to go away.
You want it to leave, but instead
it gets worse.
No amount of crying will help,
at this point, you are trying to move on.
Move on from the pain,
the anger that has been festering within you.
You just lay in bed, staring at your ceiling
feeling like you can’t win, well guess what?
You will win and prevail
past this pain and anger.
You have to be able to move on.

Congratulation,
You finally found that one person
that was meant to be with you,
but in the process you had to push me away.
Now we have to deal with the fact, that
you are okay with abandoning family,
you created neglectful problems between you and I.
Yet you expect me to be okay with it all,
that is something that would never happen.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry,
that I couldn’t be a part of your success,
but I am still looking for my person,
still looking for my success. Believe me when I say,
I will be fine without you in my life,
since you have abandoned me countless times.
Sad to believe that I am used to the abandonment.
I will say this now, I will miss you
and I do hope that your success gets better,
but I can’t be there when you get that success.
Knowing that I am okay with you walking away
makes me terrified,
you were supposed to protect me,
to keep me safe.
Instead all you did was make me feel like everything was
my fault -
so I apologize to you
for leaving you behind in my way of life.
I hope someday you can understand why I chose to leave.

This is what it feels like it
To lose yourself
Especially in poor timing
Now I never intended to lose myself
But things happened
Events occurred
Here I am now
What do you know
I'm stuck fighting a war within me
Reminding myself that I need to eat and sleep
Finding a million and one reasons to get out of bed
Trying to give a reason to have a genuine smile
It's tiring
It's draining
Worst of all...is that I don't even care
Currently I am watching from the sidelines
While my team is getting crushed
But coach won't let me play
So here I am now
Wondering what's my next plan
That's just it...
I don't have one
Usually do...but this time I don't

Those bad days come
The days were getting out of bed shouldn’t be an option
Were looking at everyone can’t be a choice
But you have to smile for the camera
Everyone is looking at you
While you see that moment
That moment of being on a bus with a friend
A friend that took your friendliness for flirting
A friend that decided to play fight with you
But play fighting turned into something more
Into something you wished it didn’t
He kissed you
You didn’t want or intend for that to happen
You didn’t know what to do
You’re paralyzed
As you tell him no, he tries play fighting again
You reject that too
But in the end, he bites your arm
And now you are stuck with the feeling of teeth on you
The feeling that you still have the bruise
A bruise that you had to hide from your family members
A bruise that symbolized
“You are broken”
You get stuck wearing anything but a normal shirt
No one questions it...but yourself
You can feel the pain
You can see yourself crying all over again
You can feel the hug that your teacher gave you when they found out
That teacher helped you more than anyone
That teacher took care of you in your time of need
That teacher was your parent because you couldn’t show them your bruise
You can feel the nothingness that came out of that experience
You can hear the whispers
The whispers of blame toward you
The whispers of “they asked for it”
No you didn’t ask for it
All you asked for was a friend
A friend to sit next to
A friend to stay close to, so you wouldn’t get lost
But in the end you got more lost
If anything, you got lost and betrayed
Within minutes before and after that first kiss
But you still feel that bruise, even after it’s gone
You feel where their teeth sunk in on your skin
That part of your skin remembers every nerve being in pain
Your muscles remembering tensing up right when it happened
That friend marked you
For what, because you were friendly
Because you gave them attention they hardly got
Who’s to say,
All you know is that you had a bruise and a bad memory on that bus
A memory that haunts you till this day
A memory you wished would just disappear
Just like the bruise
That friend got in trouble
With a slap on the wrist
And everyone on their side
You are the one at fault
You started the whole thing
But you are the one with the wounds
You were too friendly, everyone said
How could that have mattered
When you are now bruised on the inside
Where their teeth were