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kylie formella Nov 2014
11:11 i wish i still had a hand to hold
and i wish i didnt fall in love every single time you open your mouth
i wish i didnt cry so much
i wish i wasnt high so much
i wish i didnt notice the lies so much
i wish i wasnt alone
i wish i wasnt so cold
i wish i could just have you one more time
i wish i could have your soul one
last
time
kylie formella Sep 2014
i held you so tight and maybe that's why you broke free
5w
kylie formella Dec 2014
5w
you make my fingers shiny
kylie formella Nov 2014
i fall off the planet for weeks at a time,
everyone's wondering why
where's she gone? what happened?
i'm probably just somewhere napping
i''m probably cuddling up with the man on the moon
and smoking blunts with all the stars in the room
i'm probably taking rounds of shots
i'm not cutting anybody off'
just consider me absent and forget me til we meet eyes again
meanwhile im gonna be making new friends
with martians and mushrooms
i'll probably be dead soon
(im having a very hard time lately)
kylie formella Dec 2014
i've always loved adventure, so i tried falling in love
i wouldn't call it falling, really
more of a plummet
into an abyss i can't get out of
yeah, love is an adventure
but i'm lost
and you won't give me the ******* map
kylie formella Dec 2014
Please, don't.
Don't make your life a tragedy just to make it interesting.
It becomes permanent,
and unavoidable as the time passes.
As you get older, you stop craving the attention.
For instance,
when I was 12, I cut myself everyday.
Not, however, for the reasons I do now.
I used to cut so that I would have cuts,
and now I cut because I have to.
When I was 13, I stopped eating.
I knew I was thin,
I've always been underweight,
But I needed more baggage if I wanted to be somebody.
Now, I cannot eat without wanting to throw up.
When I was 14, I fell in love
with every boy who shot me a glance,
and gave them everything.
Now, I have nothing left to give,
(or to offer.)
And when I turned 15,
I started depending on drugs so I could
escape.
I can't stop cutting, starving, and falling back
into self destructive habits
because when I was 12,
I needed attention.
Now, yes, my life is ****** up,
but maybe I'd know how to cope
If I'd never picked up the blade, starved, or tried drugs.
Please just don't
kylie formella Nov 2014
pathetic magestic
unenergetic
horrendous poetic
prophetic
emphathetic
thats seven rhymes for unapologetic
and i cant forget it
got to forget it
tragedy is aesthetic
this is unexepected
theres no way to do this nicely but i gotta end it
kylie formella Dec 2014
i bet your eyes would look
prettier
(if that were possible)
if they were looking up at me
while i was sitting on your face
and if you ever want in lemme know
kylie formella Dec 2014
im trying to find some way
to describe how much i need you
with only 26 letters
and it's impossible to capture your worth to me
with something so meaningless
kylie formella Sep 2014
but i will always remember
your hands in my hair
and all over the rest of me
i'll never be able to forget
the feeling of a first
not ****;
but love.
i'll never forget
the way you anchored down
into my chest
the last week of summer
i'll always remember the first
week of fall
when i was not strong enough
to pull you out
kylie formella Mar 2016
I am an apology
I am a promise
that I will do better next time
I am aching
I am sorry
Sometimes I feel
that I'd rather not wake up
I feel that
I don't need to be a mistake
any longer
bed
kylie formella Sep 2014
bed
i feel sorry for you
bed
for all the blood
tears
and punches
the shrieks into your pillows
im sorry
bed
for bringing a man there
who you knew would
hurt me
kylie formella Sep 2014
my mother asked me why i was crying in my sleep
and i brushed it off as no big deal;
just a bad dream.
truth be told, it was you i dreamed of,
and i was crying because i had woken up.
when i opened my eyes i lost your touch.
i lost your eyes,
watching mine.
i lost your smile.
waking up, I lost it all.
now I'll spend all day hoping you'll call,
at the end of the day i'll just fall
onto my bed which holds memories of you
and there's nothing i can do.
but sit and wait for you
and drift to sleep in the hopes you'll come back.
i can hear my heart break i can hear it crack.
"he's never ever ever ever ever coming back"
kylie formella Sep 2014
today i burnt everything
i burnt all my letters that started with your name
and all the suicide letters
full of empty promises
and i expected it to stop hurting
maybe next time
i'll burn the ashes
kylie formella Dec 2014
He taught you about cars; tell us about how you've started
bleeding motor oil.
Remember the days after he left?
How it took your car half an hour to start?
You were like that in those times too, you know.
You were trying to find a reason to get out of bed.
He doesn't call anymore,
so there's no need to see the sunlight.
Your mother's been worrying. she's been terrified.
You smoke those pipes so much;
she's scared you'll see a glimpse of him
in the ******* exhaust pipe.
There's no need to worry,
though. You're not lonely.
You've made a friend, in one of those pipes.
You named it Caesar. Et tu, Brute?
Brutus was his friend. Come on, Romans.
Don't let him get away with this. Stabbed
33 times.
Obituaries lose details as the
time passes.
He was your biggest supporter
when you found out even he wanted you dead;
you stopped fighting for your life.
Burn the body
Burn the ashes.
kylie formella Sep 2014
forget me.
if you're leaving then don't expect to
be welcomed back
whenever you decide you want me again.
i did everything i could.
i can't wait until you realize
that you miss having me there.
i can't wait for you to know
how it feels
to miss someone who
doesn't miss you.
i can't wait until you come back,
only to be pushed back out.
i can't wait until you feel
like i do.
kylie formella Mar 2016
I don't think that people go to cemeteries
to pay their respects
I think they go
because they need to pretend
that
body is sleeping, only resting
6 feet under
I think that they need the grass to hold on to
So they feel they're not falling
off the Earth
They need to lay the flowers down,
as an apology
"I'm sorry
I have to forget about you."
kylie formella Apr 2016
what constitutes a cheater?
because when i promised myself to you,
i meant every part
i meant even my mind, too
i meant i'd never have that kind of touch
that kind of love
to anybody else,
i promised it'd be only you i dreamed of
so why, oh why, do i feel like I've been lied to
because i thought you promised too
i thought you only wanted my touch
but instead, you wanted two
kylie formella Sep 2014
i know that i pretend to be strong but i'm not
i can't move on from my baby
you're everything
and i know that i said then when you came back
that i would push you right back out
but i can't
and i know that i said that i wouldn't text you
over and over
but i did
and i know that i said that i wouldn't get attached
that i wouldn't let you hurt me
but i expected longer
i expected more time with you, i expected
more and you're gone
you're gone and
i can't seem to accept that you might not come back
just please tell me if you want me
and i will come back happily
kylie formella Dec 2014
what do i want for christmas?
santa wants to know
i want chains and whips and lots of blow
i wanna x out the christ and call it xmas
i wanna stop thinking about all the exes i miss
i want stale smoke and sloppy kisses
i want fist fights and sneak disses
i don't want no jolly ****,
i want some of that molly ****
so if that fat **** with a beard wants to shimmy down my chimney,
tell him im not interested if he doesn't have whiskey
i won't bake no cookies for that cheerful *****
**** christmas it's halloween and i'm a witch
i wanna stop feeling suicidal
i wanna be my own teen idle
so if you really wanna get me something i want,
roll up a couple fat thick blunts.
some self confidence,
and someone to ****.
kylie formella Dec 2014
before i open my eyes and realize i'm alive
every morning
it's you
and it is always you,
you remain inside my mind and you live there
i wouldn't have it any other way
because when i was falling apart
you took the hurt away
all i had to do was look at you
and it wasn't sudden
i didn't notice i'd lost all my troubles
until we parted ways again
it's like every time i'm with you
it's us; and nothing else
you make my world spin backwards
and when i can say the words
"you're mine"
i wake up excited to start the day,
and that's really something i've never been able to say
but it's you who made me remember what
a smile felt like
when i need to escape for awhile,
i'll give you a call
and my grin becomes a tattoo
for the duration
of our communication
i love you
wholeheartedly;
couldn't ever feel this for anybody else
be mine, i'll be yours
we'll be "we"
finally
kylie formella Sep 2014
i tried to explain how i ******* felt,
but all that came out was a choked up little scream.
i think that explains it all.
i think that with my scream
you can hear the countless shrieks
that sounded when you said it was over.
maybe, with my scream,
you can imagine the rivers of tears
that i didn't even know i could produce.
maybe with that scream,
you can visualize all the blood.
maybe with that scream,
you can hear me saying
"oh no god what did i do"
maybe you can hear me screaming
for you to please
just ******* come
back
kylie formella Dec 2014
**** me goodbye since that's all you came here for
lock the door
nobody knows they can't see
we got so high we smoked trees
we called it a forest fire
you stupid, ***** liar
we smoked til I cried and begged you not to leave
I swear I'm not as crazy as I seem
we coulda called it making love
if we didn't hate each other more every time we ******
we coulda lasted for ever
we coulda been real special
kylie formella Sep 2014
Did you see me, Daddy?
Did you see me grow up?
No you didn't, you ****.
You were never there
to hold me when i cried.
You were never there
to tell me which guys were right.
Did you see me, Daddy?
Did you hear me screaming?
Did you notice when I
didn't come out of my bedroom
because of my broken heart?
No, you didn't, Daddy.
And don't pretend you wanted to.
i only call you Daddy
because I never got the chance to
grow up
with you.
kylie formella Mar 2016
I kiss goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
to the good times
Goodbye sun,
It's been fun and I don't think
you're ever coming up again
Now,
this isn't a suicide letter
because I only mean that everything
is already gone
and it's never
coming
back
kylie formella Sep 2014
i told her not to be lonely when i left,
"i'm never lonely,"
she said.
"when you leave,
my demons will come back."
kylie formella Jan 2015
denied, and died.
let me tell you a story; even though
it's not a good one.
no happy ending, this time.
she fell in love with  a boy
and what a surprise, he cheated.
she gave him another chance.
he did it again. they broke up.
he got a new girlfriend, but he cheated on her too.
and this time, it was with the first girl.
the first girl didn't want to be
part of the aching pain that comes with
the boy.
she only wanted him for her own.
but she wasn't strong enough.
she told the girl about the boy who cheated,
and the girl was angry.
they never separated.
the other girl, the first one,
she was there first!
so shouldn't she get
the mean boy?
no, i guess not.
denied, and died.
the end.
i'm just too frustrated to write anything good. i'm trying though.
kylie formella Dec 2014
have i forgotten what it feels like to be needed?
i'd rather gouge my eyes out  than look in the mirror,
and it's not the reflection that disgusts me.
it's this small person inside of me,
hiding.
too much of a coward to actually be passionate,
too big of a ***** to actually fight for what i want,
to actually stand up for myself.
i want to **** the person inside,
not myself.
i love myself. it's the doubt that lives inside me
who needs to die.
he whispers in my ears
that i need to cave in again,
that i need to fall apart.
if i need him gone, i may need
to hurt myself too.
this is a very personal side of me i've never shared before
kylie formella Dec 2014
i told you baby i told you
that i didn't know if i could stop
i told you i might be addicted
sorry i'm so reckless,
i can't stop i can't.
you make my days
brighter
like removing a stain
from my life
i can do it to my clothes too!
when you left,
bloodstains just became a part
of my shirts.
(and you took them away.)
how am i supposed to let my favorite
drug,
my favorite bad habit leave me?
my favorite way to **** myself
has always been being with you.
you make the pain
matter,
you couldn't make anything matter
until i decided to let you.
i wish i could scrape
the resin from my lungs.
get us high one more time,
god, would there even be anything left?
but you're perfect
you keep me the best kind of
****** up.
please,
don't make me quit you.
kylie formella Sep 2014
do you think the earth feels the pain
when we step all over it?
when we cut down it's trees,
start fires on its skin,
and steal all of it's air?
do you think the earth cares?
do you think when it rains,
the earth is breaking?
just like some of the people
who are breaking it.
kylie formella Sep 2014
it's the ellipses that say it all
"..."
everything that you want to say
in three little dots
baby, please come back...
(i miss you so much it's killing me)
why the **** are you doing this...
(please stop hurting me)
i love you...
(and it scares me)
kylie formella Sep 2014
you were everything
and i hate that you still are
even after you have her
and me lined up for when she
gets tired of you
or the other way around
and what do i have?
well i have an empty chest
and a couple pills
i've got the hope that i'm holding on to
(for whatever reason)
that you might
come back
i've got self doubt
and chewed down nails
bleeding knuckles
and a hazey mind
wow, it must seem like i have a lot
but i don't have everything
because everything doesn't
want me
kylie formella Sep 2014
you are every single star in the sky
lighting up even the darkest of nights
you are all the smoke that i inhale
keeping me high making sure i dont fail
you are the tide pulling me back to sanity
you are my life you are my baby
you are so precious and you have saved me
kylie formella Nov 2014
how do I feel? i couldn't  tell you that.
but I could tell you that
I Feel.
I Feel  everything from the cold winds of
self doubt to the warm feeling which
comes with Love.
I Feel the empty and lonely air which only has it self
and I Feel all the molecules who are begging the air,
to realize that they're there.
kylie formella Nov 2014
sever forever
it upsets her
how quickly i surrender
and let her
forget her
just bent her just felt her
oh yeah babe thats clever
never ever ever
you can catch me whenever
wherever
calm endeavors
however
but i got no love for you
whatsoever
kylie formella Dec 2014
replaced and im defaced
im ******* my
hearts racing
i cant face it
blame me
i might get blazed if i
find space
and its okay
ill find a way
to hold on for one more day
ill be safe
ill be great
i wont cry
ill be fine
we both know im lying
but sometimes life gets in the way
kylie formella Sep 2014
i will do everything that you told me not to do
i will fill all the gaps that you left
with nicotine
and alcohol
narcotics and all sorts of awful things
and you won't have any gaps
because i was nothing
kylie formella Sep 2014
please tell your ghost to stop following me
and whispering in my ears
that i was not good enough
please tell your ghost to stop following me
and calling me sweetheart
and putting his hands all over me
please tell your ghost to stop following me
and watching me while i cry
about how i miss you
please tell your ghost to stop following me
and laying in bed with me
keeping me from closing my eyes
please tell your ghost to stop following me
if i can't have you
then i don't want your
ghost
kylie formella Dec 2014
because when i see your pretty hips
i want to be between them and looking up at your pretty
sparkling eyes
i want my cold hands
on your warm thighs,
you angel
and i love the way you
tate
i love the way you
blushed
when you came
feeling females tonite
kylie formella Sep 2014
trying so hard to dissolve into my seat
behind my desk
curled up trying to get as small
as i can possibly be
so ill go unnoticed
but when somebody does realize
that i exist
ill love them forever
even if they
only gave me
a
glance
God
kylie formella Mar 2016
God
I stopped questioning if God was real at 3am one night
in a church parking lot
I was in the front seat, on top of a boy
who would not even drive to my house to see me,
we'd always meet up
and when he told me to take off my clothes I did
and when he told me "I dreamt about this"
it stuck
when I closed my car door, and went on my way home
that is when I stopped believing in God
because I already knew that he wouldn't call tomorrow
and I already knew the familiar bleeding of my wrists would
lull me to sleep
and I already knew he'd be back in a month
speaking of love and forgiveness
I stopped believing in God
when I found it in a person, and I decided
God isn't such a nice guy.
kylie formella Dec 2014
remember when you thought love was always a shared feeling?
come on,
tell them about the day you fell on the rocks
and you were too high off the pills he gave you to even get up.
even your own reflection looks unfamiliar,
and tell them you feel out of place in your own body.
all that's left of the old you
is all the graves you dug for the nights you intended
to bury your sorrows alive
kylie formella Dec 2014
let's start the new year right
with your hand between my thighs
kylie formella Mar 2016
he is sleeping and I know how
he is grumpy if he is tired
I know when he wakes up
he'll be confused and vulnerable
I know his eyes might hurt if he forgot to
take out his contacts
i know he won't be ready to wake
even if he promised
"just five more minutes"
i know he'll be ready for a smoke as soon
as he opens his eyes
so ill wake him up with a kiss
and a joint
kylie formella Dec 2014
at which did you decide that i was no longer good enough?
nothing ever changed for me
something inside you has died and
i'm not even allowed inside the funeral because
nobody knew that we were lovers
how am i supposed to breathe
when your breath is still inside my lungs
from all the smoke i shotgunned
i'm your favorite scar;
your favorite sad story'
to tell your grandkids one day
"i broke a girl's heart once,
she still writes me everyday"
you can't just look at the glass
you've got to shatter it
so every one knows that you were the one that did it
nobody can ever break me again,
you do it everyday
the me who smiles is dead,
i hung her in my closet
with my father's belt.
i never gave it back to him because i never saw him again
after he said "see you soon."
just like you, you promised too.
i tried stitching us back together with
"i need you"
but you didn't even care
i have dreams where you **** me
and in my dreams,
you have the courtesy to keep pretending you love me
home is where the ghosts are
home is where the heart aches
home is where you got all your scars
home is in his chest;
it's a beating heart
and you don't know how to untangle yourself
from his nooses made of veins
let me go,
let me go to heaven
my time in hell is over with
kylie formella Dec 2014
vibrations
in my head, I feel wavelengths
with every movement
I feel at peace
I have lost all knowledge of the words
"comfort" and "discomfort"
I only Am.
I Am Earth, and I Am God.
I Am everybody,
I Am no one.
I could Be a mountain.
or a canyon,
if I Tried.
kylie formella Sep 2014
we're passing around the
blunt
but no one holds it as gently
as i do
no one else depends on
it
to make them happy
kylie formella Dec 2014
wow, this music is loud..
or is it quiet? i feel it in my fingertips,
are my senses just intense?
wow, this **** is loud..
or is it mids? is my ****** tolerance
low? am i high? yeah, ok.
i may not be much of a
poet, but i'm a great **** lover,
or am i? let me show you.
then you can tell me how it feels,
to be loved by somebody.
i cannot tell if this makes sense
kylie formella Dec 2014
I remember you. I can't forget.
You clean sailboats for a living,
and you love it.
You're already who you're meant to be.
And I'm just wandering from
state of being
to state of being
trying to figure out
how to be the one for you.
Your favorite color is blue.
You told me to remember that, I do.
You were born in June,
the 13th.
We didn't know each other yet when you turned
17.
I know you probably look at me as being
so reckless,
for a 15 year old it's probably
not okay.
We knew each other by my birthday,
late September.
I guess we weren't on good terms then,
and I wished to see you when I blew out the candles.
It was kind of dumb, my wish didn't come true
anyway.
Now what are we?
We're hundreds of different types
of oppressed emotions,
battling each other all at once.
And to put it quite simply,
I love you
wholeheartedly.
Until there's nothing left,
I will love you.
Regardless of whether you love me back,
even if you push me away,
even if you love somebody else,
I know that I won't be able to stop.
I'm sorry for not being able to
give up on you.
i miss you so much
kylie formella Dec 2014
tall, like a god.
something important, something you have to worship.
you see him and there's nothing you can't find.
he has already achieved the person he is,
he is comfortable, he knows no reason not to be.
calm.
everything i do not possess in the form of
him
perfection i want him.
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