How dare I
put my own
happiness
without first
waiting

This is who I am.

Thunder in the distance, coming or leaving? Staying or going? Coming or

Leaves falling from healthy trees like lush green flower petals, summer or autumn? Spring or winter? Summer or

Falling raindrops, water from seas you've never seen. Seas you've only touched. Creek or Sea? Lake or river? Creek or

Seeing children, small and smiling. Simple laughter, tantrum-less playdates and fairy tale stories. Park or playground? Street or yard? Park or

Playthings, dusty, slightly used. A yardsale full of stories. That was my favorite, once. Doll or teddy? Ball or necklace? Blanket or

Sheets blowing on gentle breezes. Wet, warm, drying. Not quite abandoned, but left to its devices. Lonely or purposed? Chore or necessity? Lonely or

Purposeful smiles for those you dislike. Cutting insults for those you enjoy. Love for sunshine. Love for Trash. Hatred for misses. Hatred for Jests. Cruel or fair? Friend or foe? Cruel or

Faires that leave no trace when they're gone. Festivals that stay only long enough for a single good memory. Happy memories with no roots. Steadfast or fantasy? Risky or Safe? Steadfast or

Fantasies about handholding, about side eyes and smiles, about inside jokes. Dreams about darkness, about imitators, about mistakes. Dream or Reality? Dream or Daydream? Dream or

Realities like calm water, allowing only ripples. Are you real? Is anyone? Are we dust and shadows? Real or fake? Real or fake? Real or

Thunder in the distance. Coming or leaving? Staying or running?

This is who I am.

i.
Today I wondered
How vast the universe was
Because I looked in your eyes
And saw galaxies

ii.
Today I whispered
Words that I won't repeat
until my heart tricks my brain
into freeing my voice

iii.
Today I touched
joking, of course,
but not, but serious
without knowing which was which

iv.
Today I laughed
I smiled and pouted
I frowned and groaned
I grinned innocently, proving my guilt

v.
Today I felt
guilt and happiness
greed and selflessness
jealous, yet contented

vi.
Tomorrow I fear
For I've taught myself
That change is
the only constant

There are two of me,
Three, Four,
Three to stay standing
One to meet floor

There are four of me
Five, Six,
One who's all pure
One who's a mix

There are six of me
Seven, Eight,
One to be aloof
One to relate

There are eight of me
Nine, Ten,
One to be angry
One to be zen

There are ten of me
Eleven, Twelve,
One to spread
One to shelve

There are twelve of me
Thir, Four,
One to open windows
One to close doors

There are fourteen of me
Fifteen, Sixteen,
One to talk *****
One to act clean

There are Seventeen of me
One per year,
One to be obscure,
None to be clear.

There are Seventeen of me,
But seven through fourteen,
Slipped and fell,
Got lost in between

One to love
One to cold
One to decay
One to gold

There are Seventeen of me,
But eleven through eight
Turned green with envy
Turned cold with hate

There are Seventeen of me,
But two through seven
Went through hell
And deserved heaven

There are Seventeen of me
but only One matters
The one that's the strongest
The One whose heart's shattered.

Yesterday I almost told you how you hurt me

Instead my body rejected
Trembled with the effort of keeping my mouth shut
Sent shivers that pained my every movement
Tremors that travelled across my skin
A hint of no return, a hint of nothing
Until my breath was a tremble
An ache that spread through lung and throat
Out of my mouth and into the air
The only sound allowed

Yesterday I almost told you how it hurt to hear your words

Your self-hate and disgust all consuming
Aimed inward, aimed self bound
Until my heart felt the arrows
Aimed at yourself
And my soul quaked from the knowledge
That what I would die for
You believe worthless

Yesterday I almost told you how it pained me to be near you

Bittersweet
Like sour candy
Held against a tongue that burns each second
Rotting teeth and sweetening breath
Stinging taste buds and leaving them numb
All in the hope of reaching the sweet underneath
And perhaps liking the burn
A bit more than is healthy

Yesterday I almost told you that my love for you was burning

Like a flame left unattended in a forest full of dry leaves
Spreading from old oaks to new sprouts
Consuming all in its path
Reducing everything to ashes
Waiting for a rebirthing metaphor for forest fires
Not talking about the pain of loss to Mother Earth
Only about the growth afterward
Not thinking that all fires must die
That no flame lasts forever

Yesterday I almost spoke of my annoyance toward your disregard

You've changed, you know
You laugh at things you don't think are funny
Simply because you think I would
You make assumptions based on what you believe me to be
Not what you know me as
You make decisions based on what you believe would make me happy
Not on what would make you smile
Not on what would make you laugh
Not on what would make you happy
You've changed to accommodate for my emotions
Not thinking that I've already changed for yours
This won't work out, you know

Yesterday I almost told you that I loved you

Those words pain you now, have you noticed?
You grimace when they leave my mouth
You stop yourself from asking why
And so I've stopped saying it
Because nothing hurts more than the knowledge
That what I say and do makes no difference
That I could scream it and you'd only use it as ammunition
I will not load the gun you aim at yourself
I will not hand you a diamond for you to slit your throat
I will not give you a pillow if you'll only smother yourself
And it hurts that I must do such

Yesterday I almost told you to shut up

Because you're hurting me, you're hurting me
Can't you see that? Do you want to?
My heart lurches with every disrespectful thing you say under your breath
It burns when you call yourself worthless
It shrinks and crumbles under pressure
This coal won't make a diamond
This sand won't make a pearl
I am not a gemstone,
Not iron or steel, but human flesh
And we all know how fragile it is
You know it best, don't you?

Yesterday I almost told you it wasn't the same

But you know how I hate change
And how could I phrase it to prove you aren't the problem?
How could I tell you without you turning it into a weapon?
How could I make it in a way that wouldn't lead to your unhappiness?
Aren't you unhappy enough already?
I can't do it. I can't bring you happiness. I've tried and tried.
And I can't
I can't
Give up on you.

Sunday afternoon was spent in my best friends bed.

It isn't like that, I swear,
it's just that when I'm with him,
I don't have to be anybody else.

It's just that when I'm with him,
I don't have to worry
about scaring him away.

It's just that when I'm with him,
I don't have to use the extra brainpower
that is the filter between me and other people.

It's just that when I laid there
it was a lot like coming home
and a lot like I never left.

It's just that when I'm with him
I don't have to worry about being homeless,
because it feels like something
permanent.

what am I now, what am I now
alone and sad and lonely
what am I now, what am I
alone and sad and

look at what you’ve done to me
look at these scars no one can see
what am I now, what am I now
look at these scars no one can

I wish I could tell you how I’ve changed
I wished someone would see
I wish I was something else
I wish I could show you how I’ve

I don’t know who I am right now
I don’t know who I was
Before you did this to me
I don’t know who I was

what am I now, what am I now
alone and sad and lonely
I wish someone could see my scars
what am I now, what am I

sometimes i open my mouth

you never seem to notice the little jolts
when i decide to say something
stupid
like it doesn’t matter who hears
because no one is listening anyway
and those who do can not interpret
can find no inner meaning
and when the words retract
like measuring tape
it’s not great loss
for humanity

sometimes i open my mouth

and words flow like nectar
honey of arsenic, syrup of mercury
sweet sounding and harsh to taste
poison fermented, sugar-coated,
smooth and sticky and full of sharp edges
broken glass and razor blades
hurt you hurt me hurt everyone
close enough

sometimes i open my mouth

and song bursts forth like butterflies
like birds of prey circling overhead
like shining sunlight and cloaked shadow
like clear crisp air and clearer night skies
like the full moon full of craters
thousands of miles away
sometimes too high and others too low
sometimes too fast, sometimes too slow
and sometimes the song trembles
my voice too powerful
for its composition

sometimes i open my mouth

and silence seeps, black ichor
staining lips and fingers
slipping down throats and dribbling through teeth
and soaking into skin like stains on clothing
creeping and filling the space between
my body and my mind
my friends and my heart
burning and tearing at the *****
until i am drowning on oxygen

sometimes i open my mouth

and scream
my mouth stretched wide as it can go
teeth bared, lips curled,
letting lose a high, free sound
free as a bird and flying until i can feel it
taste the release on my tongue
a sound not of fear but of triumph
ignore me now, pretend you can’t see
howling at the world as a wolf does the moon
i am here, i am here, i am

opening my mouth

Deafened am I, by the screeches of familiarity

for here I am, a man
a woman, a girl, a boy,
silent are your cries for change,
deaf am I to the monotonous yelling
you want change. I have changed
details, insubstantial, minuscule,
deaf to your judgement and lies
unable to hear your disappointment
I cannot hear your subtle cues
your doubt and leading questions
I cannot bear your curiosity
searching for what you’ve missed
missing your oblivious admirer
I am no longer she

I. Honey Whiskey

her eyes are too dark, but they burn when she thinks of them. everything burns, her chest, her face, her skin.s he can’t imagine what it would be like, to have her skin flush with hers in ways that weren’t so innocent. she can’t meet her eyes anymore without feeling her torso heat like she’d just downed a shot.

II. Prism

“despair is a prism.” she can’t see her, but she remembers the way her eyes get, like she’s looking at something too far away to see clearly. “you need it to see that sunshine isn’t just grey, it’s every color of the rainbow, stacked on top of each other.” it’s hard to stay too sad when she spouts things like this, without warning and completely unprovoked.

III. Chlorine Thighs

they’d never actually been in a pool together so this had to be a dream. sunlight streamed through her hair like the water did, and she’d blame that for the shivers down her spine whenever their eyes met. She was babbling about something, anything, trying to keep her frame of mind, derailed by even the slightest giggle. she didn’t mean to dream them so close together, but her laughter filled the air, and they were nose to nose, and she smelled like chlorine. she woke before she knew if she tasted the same.

IV. Headlights

she’s afraid of driving, and claims she’s a better copilot. it hurts her heart to heart to hear it, sweet indulgent pain. she’s tying to remember to keep her eyes on the road and only letting herself glance over every so often. she looks beautiful in the flashes of her periphery vision, and as their voices rise in accidental harmony, she can’t help but glance over for a bit too long, memorizing the moment. eyes closed, lips parted, head tilted back… she looks like a vision. she almost forgets that green means anything more than being able to see her better.

V. Refuge

she hadn’t meant to cry. it was obvious in the way she stood, in the way she held herself a bit too upright, moved with too much purpose. she remember the way she’d stared at the ceiling as though breathing was too much, the way she didn’t even seem to see the things she was doing. she hadn’t known what to do besides hold open her arms, and then it had began. she held so tightly it was like she didn’t believe she was real. her breath came out all at once, and then she was breathing too quickly, hitches and gasps and small little shivers that only made her hold on her tighten further. her breath was warm against her shoulder, her fingers ****** in her shirt, and she was content to stand here, solid, safe, and wait for her to collect herself. no matter how long it took.

Mud
The sort that slips between your toes
and fingers
that cakes your clothing
and leaves all things
unclean

Worms
that you dodge after a rainstorm
walking the whole way
on your toes
as to not crush them
but the sickening slick sound
of inevitably misstepping
and killing one anyway

Rain
that covers you from head to toe
that steals the heat of your body
and gives it to the unforgiving air
that rebirthing metaphor
that doesn’t seem to be working

Thunder
but in the distance
none of the power that threatens
none of the shaking terror
just a memory of something
lost

it tastes like bile in the back of your throat
feels like tears stinging behind your eyes
like a migraine just beginning
like a high pitched whine at the highest volume

it seeps into things unrelated
tinting your favorite colors
flavoring your favorite foods
putting white noise in all your favorite songs

it leaks onto your friendships
staining arms after hugs
leaving laughs polluted
reflecting in eyes that’d trust you with anything

it screams at it wins
the sound one of terrifying joy
“burn!” it commands
but you are made of stone and mortar

it fills your chest with unease
your fingertips with trembles
your mind with final conclusions
your lips with lies that taste like sugar

“I don’t” but you don’t mean that
“I don’t want” but you do
“I can’t” but you can
“I won’t” but you will.

Like chocolate cake
but sweeter, somehow
though it isn’t cake at all
like sharing icing with your best friends

Like sugared oranges
sticky and saccharine
too sweet to be healthy
but so satisfying to eat til you’re sick

Like a cavity after orajel
the pain numb
but the taste as well
better, not worse, and quickly getting used to it

Like dancing in the rain
your ears deaf to shouts
of those who tell you
to go inside and dry off

because you’re happy here.

I.
It feels like the moment
Just before a roller coaster
Drop.
Front seat, eyes wide,
But the weight of the cars behind
Gives you the time to recognize
There's no going back.

II.
The mix of almost fear,
adrenaline and excitement
was enough to take
ancient armies to war
and cause feuds that destroyed
whole civilizations.

III.
Here's you.
Sitting, Watching, Knowing.
Opening your mouth
Wide, Wider,
Sheer terror in your veins
Lifting your hands in the air.

IV.
Given the chance,
You'd do this every day
For the rest of your life.

This is one you can not make sense of

There is a flash of indignation
Paired with red hot emotion
Singed pieces of hurt fluttering
Gravity not the only force pulling,
Until they rest, their dull heat
Dying
Amongst the Apathetic Ashes

It is like leaving a glass
of ice cold sweet tea
out on a picnic table
in the middle of the summer

Sweat beads
drift down heated skin
But your insides are liquid
Cold and chilled with ice

The sun shines
Beautiful and unforgiving
Aware only of its need
To provide warmth

But the flowers detest
They love the burn
They love the sun
But their strength is of the earth
Their origin
Their roots

Ice melts
Tea dilutes
and in the end
You don't taste like you should

It grows in places
Left neglected
Like vines or weeds
or algae

Its spores are toxic
airborne
and quick to infect
like living dead

There is no cure
Instead
it runs through each emotion
leaving nothing in its wake

It is silent
malignant
growing in the quiet
expanding in the hollow recesses
between your ribs

There is nothing that can stop it
not the ink like ichor of apathy
not the lick and burn of anger
not the cutting cold of indifference

Instead it burrows
makes tunnels through reasonings
until all you're left with is
distant annoyance.

It feels like holding your breath
until your lungs ache and your ribs creak
because your heart is beating so fast
complaining for lack of oxygen
but you won't
you won't breathe
who cares if it hurts?
who cares if your throat burns
and your eyes water?
for even water is part oxygen
and perhaps the pain would stop
if you inhale
and find two parts hydrogen as well.

I'd rather go
one stop shopping
at a
lobotomy
store

i.
Your love is a heartbreaker
She's got a boyfriend anyway
Pour a little salt, we were never here

ii.
Not really sure how to feel about it
Bent and broken is all I've been
And without you is how I disappear

iii.
How can I love if I'm afraid to fall?
Turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream
Girl, you could have been the one

iv.
Story of my life, searching for the right, but it keeps avoiding me
Look around you, it's empty and you're sad
This is not what I have planned, it's out of my control

v.
Won't commit so you choose to run away
You're too perfect for my hands to hold
I'm afraid somebody else might end up being me

vi.
I thought of you and where you'd gone
You should know me by now
My weakness is I care too much

vii.
Why does my heart cry? Feelings I can't fight
I should have bought you flowers and held your hand
Feelings like this could only mean I'm sinking

viii.
This is the way you left me, I'm not pretending
In the perfect situation, I let love down the drain
Would you have the guts to say "I don't love you like I did yesterday"?

ix.
If you were dead or still alive, I don't care, I don't care
You and I were fireworks that went off too soon
If you love me, let me go.

Once when I was little
I was dared to jump off the roof
of my uncle’s house, but it wasn’t so tall
just one, two, three stories,
but I didn’t die I didn’t
I landed on the trampoline
it didn’t break, it didn’t break
not until my next cousin jumped
and missed the thing entirely
breaking his ankle, and nothing else
and giving my aunt a heart attack
but I won the bet at least

Once when I was in Spanish Class
We had a no english day
so we spoke in pig latin
and she couldn’t make us stop
because pig latin isn’t english
and there was nothing she could do about it

Once I had a dream
that we tied strings to our friend
and he flew in the wind like a kite
our instructor fell from the ceiling
“I’m not your ****** one winged bird”
and you turned into a teddy bear

Once I had a nightmare
that I was walking along the train tracks
in the dark and couldn’t find
the person calling for me
it was you, and her, and the others
and it wasn’t safe, but I couldn’t find you

Once I had a dream
that animals were tearing at each other
at themselves
that a storage space stood empty
and you told me quite simply
“Stop it.”

Once I stood on ice and water
fingers slipping against rock
too heavy for me to hold and
much too heavy for me to keep
and it slipped from my fingers
and you dove in
and saved me

Once I sat in Thomas’s class
and daydreamed we ****** on every surface
and thought that maybe it was
completely plausible
that Thomas and the class would be there too
at least I think that happened once
or twice or three times
but it may not have happened at all

Once I sat in the library
writing up a heap of lies
and wondering which the poem was
a lie or a truth or both
I wondered where the exaggeration came
where it went
and paused to think it through again
as if it were nothing else.

Once we walked home together
and there was silence between us,
Tyrell words, growing stronger,
and I wondered what it was
that was so terrible about silence
with two people on either side
understanding the other.

Once I woke up alone
and saw you standing there in my bedroom
but you were younger, smaller,
and your eyes glowed something fierce
I could tell they were blue then,
though usually I don’t remember
and most times I can’t even discern
the color of your hair

Once I realized
I don’t like blonds.
They annoy me and they vex me
and I can’t deal with that
but honestly, what do I expect?
Her hair’s blonde naturally, you know
she dyes it so no one knows.
And they say you’re blond too, I guess
but I don’t think it shows.

When I’m sad I crave french fries

They taste like happiness is supposed to feel
like grease dripping from your lips as you sit back and enjoy yourself
like indulging a craving that everyone says will only make you fat and unattractive
and this
feels like a goodbye

French fries don’t ask you to talk about your feelings and
French fries don’t tell you ‘no’ when you reach for them
French fries only comfort and tell you that it’ll all be okay
because spending a few bucks on McDonalds is always better than taking a razor to your skin
the threat of gaining a few extra pounds is nothing when you think that I could be running toward a precipice with no hope of stopping
No desire to pause in my motion until I am airbourne
because Moriarty said that falling is just like flying
until you stop

French fries are always warm

They cool over time but by then they are making their way through a system made only to squeeze what nutrition can be found there
They don’t keep me up at night with cravings for more
because when I eat French Fries I’m only trying to sit here and live in this moment
because French Fries don’t tell me what I don’t want to hear and
French Fries don’t pull things like me like a string around a loose tooth and
French fries don’t slam the door

When I’m angry they taste like tears

I haven’t cried more than two tears since the day my heart up and left me
I’ve tried to tell everyone that being unable to cry doesn’t mean I can’t feel anything
except when it does
and maybe that just means that I am hollow and dry on the inside as well, maybe it means the soul I thought was old as my great grandmother’s is simply an empty space
But I don’t want to believe my being is half of something else
to be filled by someone who can leave any other day
I don’t want
to be desperate
but the grit of salt on my fingers feels a lot like missing you
so I lick it off
because they say that salt purifies and I haven’t felt clean since this time last year when you
got drunk and told me that you loved me

So I’m sorry if I can’t get to you through all the french fries
I’m sorry that I can’t reach far enough to grasp at straws and I’m
sorry that eating fast food is the only way I can find release and
I’m sorry that sometimes I think that maybe it’s for the better, you know?
because all this is just ridiculous and
we were supposed to get married and
I knew it was stupid to think so at the time because everyone says that high school can’t last forever and I’m
a senior

I’m sorry that I made you happy

because happiness is the only thing more devious than the male mind and
I told you that I would gladly let you move in if your parents disowned you and
I told you that I was thinking about you through spoken word poems I never got around to writing and
I told you to bring a blanket to that roof you watch the stars on to get away from your demons and
I told you that it didn’t matter to me if you relapsed
and
still you act like I’ve never said a word

but French Fries fill me from toe to crown and I
know now
that the taste of them fills me better than bitterness ever had and
that finding release in fattening strips of potato is better than
wishing I was dead every moment and

I’m sorry that I can’t do this anymore

So everytime I go to McDonalds and order one, two, three orders of large fries
know I always order one for Chelsea,
but I eat the other two for you
because to me they taste like Burger King
and an order of French Fries

Dear two year old me,
You've been walking for a year now,
And oh! The places you'll go!
The people you'll see, and love, and hurt.
This is your superhero's backstory, you'll see.

Dear four year old me,
I'm so proud of you,
Losing yourself in books already,
Keep your smile ready, darling,
It's going to be rough for a while.

Dear six year old me,
Those kids who threw pine cones
Called you ugly at the bus stop
And made you run home in tears,
Baby Girl, they don't matter.

Dear eight year old me,
That teacher who sneered "just like your mom"
like a barbed insult and a doomed future
was just a mean confused white lady,
Who never even tried to get to know you or your wonderful mother.

Dear ten year old me,
Playground marriages were just for show
Everyone else got remarried day by day
You only had eyes for one, but that's okay
Your loyalty will bring you happiness, one day.

Dear twelve year old me,
You really are too young to date,
and I know everyone else is doing it,
but none of them last, baby girl,
waiting is totally okay.

Dear fourteen year old me,
You've been in love for so long,
It's really just like breathing, isn't it?
But you're too young to know what toxic is
Don't worry, ***, you'll be so much better.

Dear sixteen year old me,
It hurts. I know it hurts. It hurts so much.
You'll teach yourself to keep busy day by day
But honey your lungs only burn because you've been
Breathing smoke for so long fresh oxygen tastes poisonous.

Dear eighteen year old me,
You'd think me soft, now. Emotional. Weak.
But crying is okay, sweet one, wanting hugs is okay
Feeling used is okay. Wanting love is okay.
It's going to be okay.

God said “Fight.”
and I’ve been raising my fists
since before I knew to say
“My Father who art”
I’ve got bruises between my knuckles
that only ghosts can see
Soul deep black eyes
And dislocated shoulders
Busted lips and
“Hallowed be thine”
Spat with blood and broken teeth
Black and blue beneath skin
That’s never been marred
“Thy kingdom come”
With kicks and low blows
Breaks in spiritual bones
“The Lord told Abraham”
Too wild to recognize
Too lost to “Go”
The Lord said “Fight"
and I’ve been waiting for my Seventh Day

I think I fell in love again, the other day

Because I can't stop thinking
about the way his fingers felt
as they brushed my skin
in that mindless, simple way of his
and I feel guilty for liking it

I think I fell in love again, the other day

Because the thought of his smile
makes me feel like I am made of sparklers
shining inside
where before there had been darkness
that I embraced

I think I fell in love again, the other day

Because my stomach feels like
its tying itself in knots
when I think about how temporary it was
how it felt like a moment of peace
carved out of a carcass of wartime

I think I fell in love again, the other day

And I'm terrified
because somewhere between you and him
between the doubts and the accusations
between holding hands and daydreaming
between not yelling and screaming on the inside
between memorizing your features and watching you leave
I found myself thinking that my love isn't good enough
and I struggle to drag my self worth up the mountain I threw it down for you

My favorite thing about the Earth
is even though it kicked and screamed
when it found out that it revolved around the sun
and not the other way around,
its view changed from 'God created us as the center of the universe'
to 'God placed the sun just there so we could thrive.'
And it stopped complaining.

I.
It feels like an itch beneath her skin, like static electricity, like all her hairs on end, and she loves it. She knows that if she would only spread her fingers and say the words, she knows that if she were to close her eyes and open them again, the world would be in colors that no one else could see. She knows that if she would only let it free, it would spark and be euphoric-
her hand clenches into a fist. she ignores it.

II.
Her spellbooks are stacked haphazardly in boxes and her shelves are full of YA fiction. She does not go into the attic anymore. She lets them collect dust. She does not pour over old latin phrases or study greek for any other reason than to read Homer. She concentrates on Biblical Greek. A silver cross hangs around her neck. Her notebooks of tediously written translations are scattered to the winds. They are replaced with collegiate notes and short stories.She is a scholar. Her curiosity is never sated.
She does not go into the attic.

III.
Sometimes she wakes up five feet from her bed, her nose brushing the ceiling. Sometimes she’ll feel the wind and clouds pick up her emotions. Sometimes she hears the whispers of the dead. But they are whispers. Her prayers are louder. She closes her eyes and grasps at control, waiting until the forecast is correct again. She clutches her golden cross and tearfully waits until her back hits mattress.
It will pass it will pass it will pass.

IV.
She studies more now than she ever had. The girl who’d been able to get by on lectures alone is no longer satisfied with a B/C average. She hones her writing skill until it is sharp as a blade. She beats her pen to paper as though it can lead her to salvation as well as The Good Book. Sometimes she falls asleep at her desk and her papers float around her.
She buys more paperweights.

V.
The future is shadows and whispers. No longer do other people’s auras paint her vision with colors no one else can see. No longer do other people’s deaths and loved ones press themselves behind her eyes. No longer does she peer into souls that only stare back. They blur together like retired nightmares. She does not hear their voices. She does not see their faces.
Her vision is only 20/20.

He says she’s changed.

Gone are the days when their fingers touched with same sparks that sent fireworks skyward. Gone are the days where they’d send spells into the sky on the fourth, dangerous, daring, delusional, promising that everyone expected fireworks anyway. Gone are the days where she would stare into his eyes and dream of lips that tasted like freedom.

She looks at him with sadness now. She’d gotten out. She’d beaten the high that filled her whenever she grabbed hold of the universe, and forged it like iron between her fingers. She was naturally strong, he was naturally talented, together they had been the A team.

But she’d left. She’d shook her head and stepped back and ignored the magic at her fingertips, even when he brought in their other friends. Even when he built his little coven. Even when he extended his hand and smiled like sparks in the dark. Even when his eyes promised forever.

The weather is hot and humid, like the memory of shared gazes and sweaty palms. He hugs her like a question. She hugs him like a farewell.

She looks into the summer sky and imagines she can see heaven.

She pleads with her God on hands and knees with gasps and sobs and shaking.

*Save him.
Please please please please
Save my best friend.

Do not shatter
Do not fall apart
Do not cry
Don’t you dare cry

You keep your ******* chin up
You aren’t allowed to be weak
Keep a stiff upper lip you *******
Do not touch them

You will fall apart
You will show them just how weak you really are
You’ll ruin them
You’ll cling and they won’t want you

You stay the **** where you are
You keep yourself away from them
Don’t even look at them
Don’t even feel for them
Don’t even spend time with them

You leave them the **** alone
You keep yourself away from them
You talk to none of them
You keep writing instead of talking
But no more notes
No more messages
No more little tidbits under your breath

After school today, you’d better get it together
You’d better smile and laugh
You’d better grin like it doesn’t hurt
You’d better act like you’re loved
You’d better act like you believe it

Don’t you believe it?
Don’t be so self centered
You’ve got this, just chin up
Shut the **** up and finish what you need to
Support them, don’t use them as a crutch
How are you ever going to survive after high school if you depend on a bunch of kids?

Your eyes don’t deserve to fill with tears
You aren’t going to cry, are you?
Of course you aren’t, don’t be ridiculous.
Hurry now, take a deep breath
in, out, in
I’m not yelling at you, am I?
No. No I’m not, I’m trying to make you better
Don’t you want to be better?

Be the Kayla they all want to see.
Be Kay.
Not Gorilla Girl.
Not That Girl.
Not Pebbles.
Not Bam Bam.
Not iPod.
Not Shuffle.
Be Kay.

Kay.

Kay.

And stop avoiding Boy, could you be any more obvious?
Get over yourself.
Move on.
Snap. Out. Of. It.

My self harm needs
no razor blades
no broken bottles
no sleeve charades

It comes with the ache
when my eyes drift
over her hopeful
worried expression

It comes with the sting
as he walks right past
and I do the same
in retaliation

It comes with the guilt
as they laugh together
too loud, heard over
my music

It comes with the crumbling
falling sensation
of a girl who is only
human.

Like falling to the earth, your wings aflame
but realizing that it isn't fear you're feeling
Like trying to keep yourself in perfect balance
but tempted, sorely tempted, to let go

Like telling yourself not to fly too close to the sun
but loving the way the burn cleanses
Like telling yourself not to fly too close to the waves
but tasting freedom in salty sea air

Like the moment when you realize you will fall
but accepting the inevitable with a smile
Like the spiraling decent toward your fate
but it feels like a roller coaster

Like the squeak and complaint of gears
this contraption wasn't made for this
Like a father's cry of complete horror
but weren't we aiming for escape?

Like the fear and attempt of saving your life
but don't martyrs die for freedom?
Like the scream of pure delight ripped from your smile
A trail of feathers all that remains of your inhibition