He hit me when he said he wouldn’t, I won’t ever remember a time where his hands were once so gentle along my face that it made my heart beat so fast that I felt like I was going to cry from the overwhelming love I had held for him.

All I feel is pain inside, a rolling thunderstorm, an endless dark night in the seemingly endless ocean, I seen the anger flash in his eyes that once held nothing but love for me.

My heart aches so wildly that I feel like it’s going to explode from that feeling alone.

What did I do to deserve this?

I knew I had loved him more when I couldn’t dream of hurting him in the way he has hurt me and that was my downfall.

I could write about my New Years resolutions, how I want to live a healthier lifestyle, how I want to find something I’m passionate about, how I want to see more of the world

But I also want to find love again, within myself, within the people I am surrounded by, with someone who understands that love doesn’t conquer all and they will meet me in the middle.

Instead of writing about how heartbroken and sad I am, I want to write about how I’ve fallen in love again.

2022 will come with it’s challenges but I want the mental stability to accept those challenges.

Do you think it’s quite possible to be addicted to someone?

We talk about addictions surrounding alcohol, cigarettes and other extra curricular’s but

I could go months without a drop of alcohol but I can’t seem to go twenty four hours without a message from him

I don’t know the best course to take here, is there such thing as cold turkey from someone so addicting?

I feel the effects of the addiction to him coming on strong, I can feel in my heart that he doesn’t make me happy anymore but for some reason, I can’t let him go and it frustrates me to no end.

Auntie? Are you proud of me?
As you watch me learn and grow from above,
Are you proud of how far I’ve come?
Do you shed a tear to see how strong I am?
Do you wish you were here to witness how much of a lady I’ve become?
Do you wish you could be here for your sister? My mom?
Do you wish you could guide her in the right direction in life? Far from the bottom?
Auntie? Can you see me typing this poem wanting nothing more than to wrap your arms around our family?
Hoping that your prayers and wishes become upon us?
We’re so lost without you auntie, I wish you had never left.
I wish you were still here protecting everyone.

I will never be enough will I?

I will always just be the one who was ‘just enough’ or ‘almost’

I will never be their first pick, I’ll be picked because I was the last one who was desperate enough to stay.

I will forever be just the person who has never been enough and that *****.

It makes me not want to be involved with anyone.

It makes me want to remain alone for the rest of my days.

I won’t entrap anyone in a terrible life with me.

I won’t force anyone to be with me.

I would rather spend a lifetime alone than to let someone step into this misery.

I still love you, you know?
I still wish I can see you and just be in your presence; it comforts me
And although it seems like there is and will always be a million reasons why we shouldn't be together- I look at you and I can't think of anything else but the intensity within your eyes;
Sometimes I wish we met under different circumstances. Like in a store or by mutual friends because maybe things would be better, I wouldn't have held back so much feelings and would've gave you my mind, body and soul.
I know, I know I still can.
But I'm afraid of all the million different reasons we shouldn't be together; I wish you were here.
'Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same'

I don't need you but I want you,
I will survive if you aren't in my life but I don't want to,
I can get by without your jokes and soft kisses but I don't want to,
You will always be the best choice I've ever made even if at the time it didn't seem like it to either of us.
I got afraid at the intense love and affection that you brought as soon as you walked into my life.
You gave everything to me and while I didn't give everything to you, you accepted it because you had most of it. You didn't need all of me and that was okay.
I think you knew one day, soon that I'd eventually give you everything and I'm here now.
Wanting to give you all of me, every fragile flaw and overly sensitive heart and mind.
I want you to have it, please.
I don't need you but I want you.

I want to be your endgame, I want to be the person that people knew you'd end up with.
I want to never have to know what it would feel like without you in my life.
I want to run my fingers through your hair as I study your sleeping face, it was my favourite thing to do.
I want to wake up next to you and lean over just so I could hug you and breathe in your musky scent.
I want to grow with you by my side, pushing me toward success while I do the same to you; your hand clasped with mine tightly.
I want to hear you softly sing to me and smile into our kisses.
I want you to know how to calm me down when I'm overwhelmed and make me laugh when I don't feel like smiling, I want to be able to do it to you too.
I want all of you, your flaws, your past, your insecurities, your present self and I want to know your future self.
I want to wake up five years from now, and go into our daily routine we will eventually have or just spend the entire day inside just for the hell of it.
I want consistency and I know you can give me that if you want.
I don't want this back and forth any more, I know what I want know. Hell I always knew I wanted it but I was afraid of what the world would say, and now that they have moved on from the topic of you and I.
I know; it was stupid and idiotic to feel that way then but I don't feel that way now.
I want movie dates with you.
I want the bad parts to, the arguing and bickering.
The angry tears and sad ones. I want you to see me vulnerable and know how to fix it.
I want you to come to bed every night even though you're mad as hell with me or the other way, and opt to stay even when I say 'go' because I won't mean it.
I want you, just... you.

You want to know how you make me feel?
Safe, comfortable, and in love. But the most important factor here is that I find a home in you.
Within your arms and within the tiny spaces between your heartbeat.
I live there, that's where I've lived for a long time.
Do you know that? Do you know but just don't went to acknowledge it? Or do you know and you're fine with it because you exist within me too.
I don't know if I'm holding you capture but the selfish part of me doesn't want to let you go. Not for anyone.
Now how does that make you feel?
You're this person who feels so deeply and you know what you want, but is that still me? After everything?
Because it's still you after everything and will always be you.

You make me feel alive, in every single way.
To your continuous jokes to your gentle kisses.
I love having your arms wrapped around me at night and though I never liked cuddling, I love when you cuddle me.
I love how you love my son. I love how you love every single flaw of mine because I love yours too.
And I feel so stupid for ever second-thinking everything.
I want to wake up to you in the early mornings, our bodies next to each other, our messy hair and your grin as you stare at me.
I want your eyes only on me, like I'm this beautiful piece of art. Like I'm the Mona Lisa Smile.
Like the way I look at you, I regret not letting my true feelings out.
Not letting you feel all of the love I harbour for you, not letting you feel every single word that will be tainted in the back of your mind.
I have so much to say, so much I want to tell you.
I just hope you let me say these words and that you let me put my arms around your neck as you push me against the wall to get that first kiss that is long overdue.
I hope you let me love you the way I wanted to.
I love you, so **** much.
All I can really say is;
You had my heart, you have my heart.
We fell apart, let's make a new start.
With just you and I.

Once when I was younger I was helping my mom set up the Christmas decorations and she dropped a clear tack onto the grey furry carpet and before I could say anything she bent down and began to look for it by running her hands along the carpet.
“Why are you doing that? Won’t it hurt if it sticks you?” Eight year old me asked with concern.
“Maybe but it’s better than you or your siblings finding it by stepping on it.”
This was the moment I began to understand that my mom would hurt herself before she ever hurt her children.
The moment I began to understand the love of a mother.

It was my dream where I almost felt your finger tips run along my face, where I almost felt your hand rest on my neck as you stared at me.
My heart clenched with happiness until I realized that this was only a dream. I'd wake up cold and alone soon but I drank every second I had with you.
As you twirled me around the living room floor. Your laugh echoing in my ears and travelling down to the deepest parts of my soul that only you can reach without knowledge.
'Do you think I can do anything?' I murmured when you sat next to me on the stairs.
I closed my eyes wishing just once, I could feel your body pressed against mine. Feel your breath on my ear as you whispered.
'You can do anything you want to'
I rested my head onto your arm.
'I love you' as you faded and then I opened my eyes to darkness, loneliness and the quiet of my room.
You faded but all of the emotions stayed.

A year had already passed by, twelve months, fifty two weeks, three hundred sixty five days since your soul had left this earth. Since you took your last breath, since the pain of breathing for those who loved you started.
There’s no rewind button to take us back to a time where you were alive, I just want everyone to be alright.
The memories and the pain remains but the sound of your voice and laugh fade.
We miss you.
You left an empty void that aches every time we remember that you’re not here anymore.
I see the darkness in their eyes, I see the pain and anger, anger for not being there, anger for not being able to say what they wanted, pain for wishing that they could just have one more conversation with you, pain for wanting to feel your touch once more.
Are you there?
Whenever we feel alone, we’re not alone because you’re sitting right next to us?
When our heads are hanging and our tears are falling do you put your hand on our shoulders?
Are you at peace?
Although you’re gone, you’ve left your mark on this earth forever.
You’re no longer in pain.
Thank you, for giving our family a sister, a cousin, a mother, a daughter, a niece, and a grandmother for a little while longer.
Thank you for always be there.
02.13.18 ♡

I knew that I had truly loved you when I realized that settling down with you didn’t scare me.

No, the only thing that scared me was the thought of losing you forever.

But I’ve learned to face my fears time and time again and I won’t hesitate to let you go if it will help me.

I took all of the hurt you gave me, and turned it into beautiful words.

I took all of the pain you gave me and turned it into something people will relate to.

I wanted to tell you that I found someone for me, someone who listens and someone who’ll love me for me, I found someone where I didn’t search for you in their faces,
I opened up our message box to write to you, to show you how extremely happy I am but I stop.
I don’t want to tell you and make it seem like I’m rubbing it in your face, showing you that someone can love me more than you, no, that’s not my intention.
You were my best friend, who was there at my highs but also shot me to my lows.
I miss our friendship but not in the way you think, I miss who I once respected.

You were one of the few people I could talk to, you didn’t make me feel so crazy for feeling the way I do and did.
You walked next to me in life promising that you’d always be there.
But you left so abruptly that I can’t really wrap my head around it and I can’t go to you with how I’m feeling because it’s you that I lost. It’s you that’s making me feel these things.
So I will suffer in silence and just let you go, for good this time.
I can feel the invisible tears threatening to become real ones, and I just don’t know what to think right now..
I wish I didn’t let you in.

I told him in my saddened state that when he leaves, I was going to be alone.

“I’m not leaving.” And he still left.

I no longer want to wonder what a life with you would be like, I don’t want to wonder if you would kiss me every morning or if we would grow old together

Because you’re not changing and I want nothing more than to evolve into a different person

Someone who blossoms like the flowers after an April shower

I want to realize my worth the way people do in books

I want all of my ending chapters to be meaningful and adventurous

To leave you behind and the love I thought I would die without, is something in willing to trade for a happier life

i thought i had wanted this, you know, i couldn't deny the way he made me feel.
it had to mean something right? but in the late hours of night i find myself wondering why he make me feel so low yet so high at the same time

I crave just to see you once more, to hear your voice once more, to feel your touch once more, to gaze into your eyes once more.

But I also know, that it will never be enough for me, because I’ll keep wanting ‘once mores’

I know I need to let you go now and learn not to crave for your return.

This is a declaration of what you mean to me, how you make me feel, and how I hope I make you feel.
This is it; I love you.
I'm so in love with you that it horrifies me sometimes. I'm filled with angst at how badly I want to grab your face and make you listen to the words tumbling out of my mouth; like word *****.
How the deepest and sacred parts of my being is deprived of you, how I deprived myself of everything you give me. What you gave me without having to ask.
This is me, giving you everything I can offer without you knowing and figuring out one day that all along it was you.
In the warm summer nights to the blistering winter blizzards.
You're nestled deeply into my veins and swimming through my blood stream. And it's intense.
What I have is intense feelings.
This is my declaration that I will love you; the person who could make me laugh without even being in the same city as me, who could make the blush appear on my face at the mere thought of your eyes skimming the depths of mine.
That I will love you till the end.

I can feel myself getting bad again, staying in bed constantly
Closing the curtains to leave my room almost completely dark
I feel the weight on my chest getting heavier
I stare at the messages I receive without replying
I simply don’t have the mental strength
I feel myself falling into that dark hole that I tried so hard to get out of
I need help
But I can’t see no one around
Just me, myself and I
And that’s not enough to last the night

Did you miss it?

The moment you realize your life passes by, did you ever sit back at on a Sunday morning, breathing in the cool air from the rain and the birds are chirping and for a split moment, did you ever think about all the choices you made that lead you to this day.

Where would you have been if you taken that chance to move to a far away city?

What people have left your life and you’d thought you’d have them until you’re sitting in your rocking chair, grey hair and all. Do you miss them?

What about that trip you planned but never got to take, do you wonder about all the sights and different food you could have seen and ate?

What about that last fight with your first love, the one that ended you two, do you wish you could have stayed and worked things out?

What about the moment you met your forever person, are you glad that you’ve met them and want to be with them until you draw your last breath?

We’re always so worried about the present and future. Did you ever take a seat and wonder about your life before you became that writer, before you became someone’s parent.

Did you miss it?

I’m beginning to realize how much I’m distancing myself from those who I love,
and if I’m being honest, I’m finding it hard to give a ****.

I’m currently walking this fine line of pain and trying to be fine.
I’m dizzy and not sure how to put one foot in front of the other.
Wish I could forget about you.

You told me once that you’d always be there for me. The both of you but where are you two now?

Please don’t ever come back. I’m just learning to figure out how to be ok without you two in my life.

I feel like you're finally done with me, like you're just done with my indecisive mind. My chaotic thoughts and I don't want you to be.
How do I change your mind? Can I change your mind?
Would you even want to change your mind?
Do you even want me anymore?

I really wish I wouldn’t dream of you,
Especially when it’s you telling me how much you’ve missed me

I prefer sleeping over being awake, because you exist in my dreams and we’re happy and we’re real there.
Waking up is the cold reminder that you’re not pressed against me.

You think you could hold me once more? I’ll be content and then I’ll let you go.

It is hard to keep it all in when it feels like it’s constantly swirling inside of you, creating hurricane forces so strong that you feel as if the pain will tear you apart

I’m unsure of the life I’m chasing, this doesn’t feel quite like me, nothing I can think of doing in this small little town does.

I long to rest my eyes on the different cultures and people of this world.

I feel like I’m chasing dreams while I sleep, I sleep so often to escape from a life I’m tired of living.

But at the same time I am so content and comfortable, what kind of dilemma am I in?

You stare into my empty eyes, there is no light left in them.

My skin is cold to the touch, no longer able to hold the warmth you once gave me.

You speak to me, your voice no longer soothing to my soul, too many angry words had ruined the place that was meant for you.

We were once pure and passionate now in the aftermath is agony and pain.

You desperately try to reach out to me but you’re met with silence, I have nothing left to give you.

You took all of it, all of me. There is nothing but an empty body of a girl who once had such a bright outlook on love.

I need to see rock bottom before I can get back up.

I spent a great deal of my time speaking and giving my attention to one person,
That when it’s time to put myself out there, I genuinely don’t know how,
It doesn’t mean I’m not trying, it’s routine for me to speak the way that I do expecting that the world is exactly like them,
Trying to redirect my brain and my heart is the most difficult part of moving on,
But I’m trying

I watch the way he looks at her, and come to the conclusion that I want someone to look at me that way too.

That first loss you feel weigh down on your chest is uncomfortable and personal.
You didn’t think it would hurt this much, you didn’t think that you’d care this much.
He was a sweet man, who just didn’t have the will to fight anymore.
You knew he was going to go to the light soon but you still got to know him, got to know what his likes and dislikes are, you got to hear how he loved to golf and how his daughter fusses over every little thing.
You laid awake the first night after his passing thinking about her, how she’s feeling, what she’s doing, wishing you could offer her some kind memories of her fathers last days.
You feel the string of loss inside you, making your heart heavy and your eyes watery as you pass by his door, his name plate still reflecting off the light.

They tell you long before your career starts, to never get so close to your clients, but how do you not manage to do that when you see them every single day, multiple times a day?

I will go on, knowing he’s not in pain anymore but forever missing his quirks and little smile.

they say men are foolish and stupid with love,
but have I told you about the girl who missed out on the one chasing the idea of another great love.

I sit here inhaling slowly and exhaling even slower
It's been months since I last seen you, months since I last heard from you
But that's not supposed to bother me right?
And you know what? I hate that it does.
I hate missing you and I hate knowing I will probably never have that chance again.
I hate the way our memories send chills down my spine and I hate the way I feel.
You're forbidden to me, forever lost.
Forever reminiscing on how we were, on how you constantly made me feel.
You don't even know how you made me feel because I kept so much away, covering up all my feelings by using other people. Hiding away the truth from anyone knowing, even you.
See, you've only witnessed a fraction of how much I cared.
I fooled everyone right?
And now.. I sit here, my heart hammering in my chest trying to convince myself, 'push the feelings away please!' they can't matter anymore.
But in the end, to me at least, they do.

Please be careful with my heart, it’s barely being held together.
Just by tape and glue.
Please be careful with my soul, I almost lost it.
It’s had enough blues.
Please be careful with my body, it’s been through too much pain.
T.L.C. is over due.
Please be careful with my fragile mind.
Sometimes I don’t know what to do.

The monster behind my fears and nightmare will be free and I'll have to start looking over my shoulder again, afraid that he's watching.
A prickling anxiety that when the phone rings or there's a knock at the door that it's him.
I just want to curl up in a hole at the very edge of the world with my tiny human underneath me.
I have this strange feeling, an unsettling feeling that I'm going to die very soon.
As long as that monster is free, I will always feel at the brink of death.
Trapped in my own world, no one must know.
I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't think I can.
I'm sorry to everyone who loves me, but I've made up my mind.

I miss you in my life, at every turn you would be there, ready for me to mumble on about the drama in my life
and
now that seat is empty where you sat and the hole in my soul is gaping open ever since you left, letting all of the kind words you once spoke to me drift through and disappear into the wind.

Today on the last day of the year, I wanted to give up.
To give into the voices, the voices that tell me that I can never do anything right.
I wanted to curl up into a ball and just let everything continue to fall off my shoulders, crumbling until there’s nothing left but the dirt in my grave, six feet deep.
I’m tired and I don’t know how I’m going to last another year like this.

The goals I’m setting for myself is within reach, they’re there and they’re achievable.

I will make it there, one day at a time

With the help of many along the way

I am happy for those around me who continue to change and grow in their lives

I am so incredibly happy for them

But I still feel as if I am stuck, running in circles, trying to make sense of the mess in my head

I feel this aching feeling in my chest at the thought of being left behind, trying to find comfort in someone when I know in my heart, that is not what I want

I am happy and content, why should I want to have someone there?

I am happy with who I am, so why do I feel as if I’m missing out?

He makes my heart happy, a little sad at times but when he wants to, he can make me feel like I’m going to burst with happiness

The road to healthy is messy, but worth it, when you look back and seen how far you’ve come.

It gives you the strength to keep pushing forward.

I sat down today, the music blasting in my ears drowning out all the outside noise, I sat down to write out a paragraph that I’ve been meaning to send to you, for you, about you.
I wanted to ask why I was so easy to throw away as if the last two months had meant nothing.
I wanted to ask bravely if you still had some love for me.
I wanted to ask if you woke up today hardly being able to breathe, reaching out to touch me in your half asleep state.
I wanted to know if you had missed me at all today while I’ve been missing you since the moment you walked away from me in the parking lot of your apartment building.
I wanted to know if you find yourself spaced out between this morning and right now, wondering how the hell you got to eight in the evening.
I needed to know if you still think there’s a slim chance that we will meet again one day, when you’re better and I’m happier.
I sat down today, my fingers floating over the keyboard but I couldn’t find it in myself to ask those things.
Truth is, you’re back to being the stranger, but all of the hurt you gave me stayed. You’re just a stranger with all these memories.
I miss who you were.