I feel like I’m walking in slow motion, while the rest of the world is up to speed, the faceless faces pass me, their voices moulded together, my head is dizzy and I feel like I’m going to faint amongst the busy crowd

Who is he?

He’s the type of guy who would make me walk on the inside of the sidewalk, step a little bit closer to me as some drunk guy starts shouting at no one.

He’s the type of soul who lays in bed with me, and could talk about anything and everything. He runs his hand up and down my arm, and wants me to rest my head on his shoulder.

He’s the type of guy who kisses me softly and slowly and surely. He pulls me to his chest.

He’s the type of guy who worries when I’m sad and wants me to find comfort within him.

He’s my guy and I don’t want to share him with nobody. Not yet.

I know the truth that’s deep inside of me, I know who he is, the one that haunts my dreams.

I know the man I created in my dreams is, I just didn’t want to admit it.

I just can’t admit it in the waking world because no matter what I do, nothing will ever change.

But I can’t keep it in anymore, it’s sending me in a dark world where only I exist.

It’s as if my subconscious also knows that this secret I carry all alone is for me only.

I know that much. And I wish things could be different.

How do you forget about the people with whom you created your happiest moments with?

How do you go back to being strangers with people who you have known for half your life?

How do you not open up their inbox’s to tell them that you miss them and that you hope they’re doing well?

How do you go day by day, the gaping hole getting larger and larger?

How do you go on knowing you’ll never hear their laugh again?

How do you act like you don’t care but you cry every single night because it’s destroying you?

How do you get them back? And how do you know if you even want them back?

How do you stop loving them?

my biggest fear is being hurt the same way i got hurt in the past,
like
how am i just going to let it happen again?

i miss you so dearly, so much that it feels as if it physically hurts me when I remember all of the good,
why didn’t we last?

How come when people say they don’t want to hurt you, end up hurting you the most?

I don’t want to have to start over
I don’t want to meet someone else
I don’t want to have to let someone else in
I don’t want to let another man touch me
I don’t want to think about spending time with someone else
I don’t want to smile at someone else
I don’t want to fall in love with someone new
I don’t want to because I only want you, all of you, but is that reality?

he comes and goes whenever he pleases and I let him,

he says all these beautiful words and then doesn’t reply for days and I let him,

he makes me feel like we really are going to be different this time and then acts as if I don’t exist and I let him,

How do I stop from him being a revolving door?

I let myself fall into the comfort of your arms again, I let myself end back at square one again, I let myself stare into your eyes while I whisper how much I loved you again, I let myself be completely yours again, I let myself believe that we will make it this time.
I pull you from the darkness, guide you to the light and you show me the love I have craved since you.
I will never be able to love another like I love you and that’s okay with me.

I miss him like the moon misses the sun and I know he will still be there if I decide to go back

But I don’t want to miss him, I’m not the moon, and he’s not the sun.

I miss our conversations like an artist misses their paint brushes.

But I don’t want to miss our conversations, I’m not an artist and he’s not my paint brush.

I miss him when he was my person, but I’m not his and he can’t be mine again.

And after today’s hardships, I want nothing more but to be wrapped in the comfort of your arms, listening to our favourite songs, keeping easy conversation until we fall asleep.

Because maybe then, I can pretend I’m ok.

I’m always preaching that I want to change who I am,

yet,

I am unwilling to do the unnecessary steps so I remain as a self destructive person

I really do want to be better, that’s all I really want.

In a parallel universe, you and I are meeting for the first time, outside some hotel you’re at and I’m getting out of the vehicle, and our eyes meet for the first time, a shy smile splitting on both of our faces.
In a parallel universe, you have my face cupped in your hands, you telling me that you love me for the first time and me saying it back with so much conviction before you give me our first shared kiss.
In a parallel universe, we can’t keep our hands off one another, laughing and sharing kisses as we lay together in bed for the first time.
In a parallel universe, we both wake up after the first night spent together in each others arms, soft kisses are shared, soft whispers of how much we love each other as we’re wrapped in our own universe. Our own world. Where only you and I exist.
In a parallel universe, we spend the entire day together, your hand always finding my own to hold, you catching me staring at you for no reason but the fact that I love you so much.
In a parallel universe, you give me your heart and I give you mine.
In a parallel universe, there are no goodbyes, only good nights and good mornings.
In a parallel universe, we share a lifetime of firsts and share a life time of lasts before we both cross over to the afterlife, where we wait for one another.
In a parallel universe, we are happy and we are whole and we are us.

I’m so indecisive until I miss my chance entirely.

I can’t make up my mind if I really want to be with someone until they’re already moving on.

I need help in healing, I need to understand, I need to take a leap of faith and just find out if something great comes of it.

I can’t keep wondering about what could happen and I can’t keep waiting around for something to happen.

I need to be in the now

And the now is where I shall be

my heart continues to hurt, achingly, but the one thing is each passing day it does hurt less by a fraction .

I’m in a spot where thinking of my future excites me,
I no longer yearn to be six feet in the ground,
I no longer yearn to run away,
I can see it now, my purpose and all I needed to do was learn to love myself.

Someone had once told that the greatest love of my life will leave a permanent scar on my heart,
That they will leave a fire within me that will never burn out,
And now I want nothing more than for him to come and ignite the fire he started in my soul, so it burns so bright that I feel as if I’m living off the fumes alone,
I want him to turn back and tell me once more, that he loves me.

Just because he doesn’t call me names and makes me feel low about myself, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Just because he doesn’t make me question my confidence and self reassurance, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Just because I don’t lie awake crying over him, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Just because he’s not making me feel as if I shouldn’t love myself, doesn’t mean he’s not toxic

Sometimes I lay awake wondering if I mean anything to him at all

Sometimes I want him to message me during the day to let me know he thinks about me instead of late at night when I know he’s had a couple drinks

Sometimes I wish he would get angry with me just so I know he truly cares about me

I don’t cry myself to sleep over him, but I lose sleep over him

I don’t question whether I love myself, I question if he loves me correctly and in the way I deserve

Sometimes I wish I could let him go, just for the sake of finding someone who knows

I sit here in this parked car waiting for you to come and my mind and heart are currently in a war zone. A never ending battle.

It’s exhausting, they both exhaust me, you exhaust me.

I stare out the windshield with my current favourite song on repeat.

I think I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep up with you anymore, you run at inhuman speed switching directions every which way.

You decide if I’m loyal to you or not.

You decide if we’re done or not.

But I think, I’m done. All I need is just one more night with you by my side, one more kiss, one more cuddle, just one more and I’ll be okay.

Oh kindred one, how strange that the world wants you to be kind but when you think about it, has the world ever been kind to you?


I didn't think so, but, however, please don't stop being another soul in this universe that we do not deserve but desperately need.

Life has been quiet since we last spoke, my breaths echo in the silence along reminding me that although it hurts, I’m still alive somehow.

The dust of our last screeching argument begins to settle and I’m starting to feel and see the damage we both created.

Our memories in time shatter to a million different pieces, all scattering along the battle field.

Happy moments and sad moments are blurred together.

Your laugh rings in my mind and travels down to the empty void in my heart that was created when we last spoke.

Your cries stab me and so do your sad eyes as you stared at me before you left for good.

I don’t know what to do or say to fix this, I don’t think it’s fixable.

Maybe, just maybe along the way, we just outgrew each other. There was nothing left to salvage, we were already becoming undone in certain ways.  

Life has been quiet since you left, and I always hated the silence.

I had to let him go so he would find true love

I had to let him go to protect him

I had to let him go so I wouldn’t waste his time

I had to let him go because I know I’m not the right one for him

Even if it pains me for a long time, I had to let him go because I love him

I can tell my heart is just not in it anymore
Overtime, I just sort of fizzled out
All the hours I spent, time, and energy
I dread having to go back there but I know for one thing, and it’s that, I do love my people I’ve met along the way
Realizing that I do not enjoy my job anymore has been eye opening and heartbreaking
I can move along the way the river intended, always drifting and always changing
However, I will miss my people when I go and it’s time for me to go soon.

sometimes I wish I didn’t have to talk at all,

wish they could read what I’m trying to say by looking at my tired expression

I don’t care about any of it

I don’t care who is kissing who and I don’t care about who my past lovers are seeing

sometimes I wanna scream so loud because I am so lost

I don’t know my next step, I do know what I want to do but I would have to do it alone and something is holding me back

There was something she was missing, some part of the puzzle piece.

Something wasn’t right and she couldn’t figure out what it was.

All she knew is that whenever she figured it out, she knew it was going to change her life.

She just couldn’t comprehend how much

Loving a narcissist is a mistake I will never make again.

For I now know the fine line between a good time and a good soul.

You most certainly can’t mistake the two, even though somehow I did.

Never again, will I ever let him in.

Moments, the good moments I had with him. The times where we would be awake late at night just talking about our childhoods and our plans for the future. The times where I would roll over in the morning and kiss him. The times where we would stand in the shower just kissing and being with each other. The times where I would run my hand through his hair while he slept on my chest. The times where we would be laughing until we can’t breathe. The time where we smiled in silence as we both said we loved each other.
All those heartbreakingly moments, I want nothing more, than to forget.

I don’t feel quite alright, won’t get to hold her curly fur in my arms anymore

Bury my face into her neck

I just feel disassociated with life itself right now

Which way is up? Which way is down?

Why did I try and go to someone I know isn’t around

I feel even more lonely than I did before

Perhaps it’s all my fault since I opened the door

The door to my heart, if you’re wondering what

I don’t know what the **** was that

so fragile I feel right now but I must go on, I can’t be left alone

I’ll carry my grief and learn to live with it, as I did with other things in my life.

I went weeks without hearing your name, and without uttering it aloud.
I heard your name today and it felt like a punch to the gut.
Will I always be this way when it comes to you?
I just want to be okay.

The loneliness I feel when I drop you off at home is pathetic, the silence swirls around me in my dark room, the music from Spotify is playing on low volume.

It would be a short drive over to your place but I need not be too attached to you, how else am I going to survive if you end up leaving me for someone better.

Strange how much you miss the nicknames someone gave you when they’re not an active person in your life anymore
Oh, how I’d love to hear the nickname he gave me just one more time.
And then I’d be able to sleep peacefully again,

I keep letting you in, when it’s clear, that you should just stay the **** out.

the last man she had laid next to in bed, she could not look him in the eyes, solely for the reason that if she did, she would not find the kind eyes she was used to.

I could write about the pain, write about how much it hurts and how endless it feels

but

today, I’m going to write about the happiness I’m starting to feel, how free I’m beginning to feel, how much I’ve smiled since eight this morning and that’s all that matters in the end.

I want to forget him altogether, so that this pain will not swallow me whole.
Maybe if I go to bed, I’ll wake up forgetting all about him.
But, how is that possible when he exists in my dreams as well?
At the end of the day, after the long phone conversations and paragraphs of messages, I stand alone. Barely standing.
My heart has been ripped out of my chest but I still found it in me to wish him well, wish him happiness, wish him a good life.
And that’s the difference between someone who loves the other more.
I want to disappear in my sadness. Maybe then. I can say I’m okay.

I wonder if the pain would still remain if I could forget he ever existed in my life?

Would my heart still bleed if I just simply forgot about him?

Would the pain be the same but I wouldn’t know where it came from?

The worst thing I did with my relationship is protect his peace when I should’ve been protecting my own.

I stare at the stars and want a different life, I want a different life. and how do I learn to accept that I simply cannot?

But how do I even tell myself that I can write about that beautiful life and pretend it exists in my mind.

I’m not sure how love is supposed to be, but I don’t think I’m supposed to be this sad laying down next to the person who I’ve learned to love despite all his flaws.

It’s when I realize that love does not conquer all.

I lay here, tears streaming down my face.
Choking back the cries of pain that want to escape, I'm so **** tired of putting on a brave face for everyone.
I can feel myself getting chipped away; lost in the wind and my mind almost gone.
Memories eat at me, every time I close my eyes. They're there, reminding me that they'll always be there.
I can sit there silent with a smile on my face while on the inside I'm screaming in agony, begging for the continuous endurance of shear pain to stop. Breaking apart, falling to pieces but you'd never notice right?
I wrap my arms around myself and cry when I'm alone.
No one has to know, I'm fine.
I'm not, staring into the mirror is so troubling.
I'm falling apart and this is my final scream before the light goes out.
I'm already gone, too far gone.
I stare into the mirror and don't recognize the girl staring back at me.
I'm sorry..

I say I miss ***, but what I really miss is the moments leading up to ***. The slow kisses that turn into passion and lust, rubbing your hands anywhere on their body because you just need to feel closer to them, I miss the quiet moments where you’re taking off each other’s clothes and you just have to stare into their eyes for a brief moment, never wanting that moment to end.
I say I miss sec but I also mean after ***, when you’re lying there with your other half. Some parts of your body is sore and tender, you feel the release of your pent up energy leave your pores and you lay there pressed to the person, you decide that their nakedness is the warmest feeling in the world.
I say I miss *** but that would be a lie. I miss being in love the most.

People come into our lives at every chapter, shaping us in different ways,
Some good and some bad,
How did you become both?

She doesn’t hurt as much anymore, two months had passed by so quickly.

She misses him but not enough to let him back into her life.

She’s happier without him.

The shrine I hold all the important people in my life is beginning to crumble, piece by piece.

All the pedestals are falling and I don’t have enough strength to catch them before they shatter:

The destruction around me is a distraction of the real pain I hold inside.

You see, as I watch my once priceless possessions begin to break and fall apart, I am the one that’s breaking and falling apart.

It’s like I am trying to seek help with duct tape over my mouth and my hands bound behind my back, chained to the floor of my inner mind.

When my shrine is in rumbles, here I’ll lay in the middle of the mess, unmoving and hopeless.