memories roll like waves
crashing over me,
sometimes unnoticed
persistent thoughts
just about drown me
but still I continue walking
where the ocean floor
isn't smooth and
I'm waiting
for the drop off
which always comes
when I least expect you

Let me just say,
I'm sorry for all of this:
The lack of appreciation and the disrespect.
All the times I put my tongue in my cheek,
or my head up my ***.
I never looked in the mirror and saw
someone I didn't like...until now.
I see weakness in my eyes.
My bones feel paper thin.
I may not be perfect but, baby I was trying!
It hurts more than you know,
to come to our empty home..
and sit down all alone.
Yet I did this to myself?
I just ******* miss you.
If I abused anything, ****,
it was calling you mine.
I said it like I knew you'd never leave me.
and it didn't change a thing.
You walked away like I was nothing.
I watched the videos of us,
printed the pictures.
Torturing myself for no reason.
A moment of happiness has slipped.
through my fingers. Or has it?
I'm confused about life,
about who I am.
Without you I'm nothing,
I'm not who I want to be.
I keep telling myself I don't need you.
I don't, okay? I don't.
I wanted to grow old with you.
Never lose those precious butterflies.
You always gave me butterflies.
Sometimes I miss the constant attention,
nagging, screaming, cursing..?
I regret the arguments and I never
wanted to hurt you.
But I did. I did and I understand I
Can never take it back but at least,
can you forgive me?
I'm terribly sorry.
For all the nights I slammed doors,
pushed you out of the room, screamed back.
I'm sorry for crying so much and nagging.
I hate myself when I look back,
I still cant believe I said some of the things
I screamed at you.
I just needed you to hear me.
I loved the way you laugh,
disappear for 30 minutes,
even that stupid ******* smacking
of stupid ******* peanut butter.
I would rather hear you smacking,
than the silence that is now my life.
Does that hurt?
How could you be so dumb?
I just wanna come home, slip off my shoes
Play Diablo 3 with you.
But **** it, I don't ******* need you.
All those nights I waited for you to come home,
Every time I called and got your voicemail,
Every ******* inaudible voicemail I left.
Had I known, ******. Had I only know.
You were never alone.
You were just a ******* L I A R.
And you'll never be any better.
Everytime I woke you up because I
had thought you had slept long enough
just because I missed you that much.
How could you be so dumb?
I loved you like no one else ever will.
I thought that was bad, this is worse.
You are a *******.
How did I love you so ******* much?
I must be missing something here.
And  mean literally.
I'm missing my other half.
Or am I really? Maybe,
just maybe..you're missing me.
Missing the all night phone calls,
the chats over lunches, smoke breaks
and texts back and forth.
The cute pictures we would take,
I'm sorry for always being so specific.
I remember how much you hated
my selfies with you. I'm so sorry
I wanted to show the world that I was yours.
You made so many arguments and it kills me now.
How could I be so dumb?
I know I can change and, I was trying.
But it wasn't going anywhere. Yet.
And it didn't need to. I was good for you.
Still, I know I can make a difference in myself.
Maybe..be someone you would like.
Someone you could truly love.
But I'm good how I am.
You always said I tried to change you,
yet it was you always picking at my flaws.
Oh, am I not the same?
Not that 17 year old with pink hair.
Goofy, care free, college bound.
Not that young, quiet, shy girl from 1300 miles away.
No. I became the loud, nagging wife you lived with everyday.
Have you ever thought it was because of you?
You stole my young heart, took me from my home,
showed me what a man's love was and then,
you just ripped my ******* heart from my chest.
And I will never, ever change. Not for you.
I'm sick of thinking, sick of feeling.
Away from you, my mind is reeling.
Remember?

It's because I'm finally seeing that you,
you are the one at fault here.

Thump. Thump. Thump.
While others flatline,
I live life on the front line.
People starve, and I eat attention.
I crave the spotlight,
You don't have a place to sleep at night.
Complain because I don't have a iPhone,
You cry because you have no home.
I say, "It's unlucky for them."
"Not my ******' problem."
I'm a punk kid, got no care.
Living in a world where all that matters is hair.
Music, ***, drugs, and anarchy.
**** the government,
you think it's rough?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S TOUGH.
When your dad beats you,
When you aren't good enough,
You're only outlet is having ***,
With every guy who has no reference complex.
I'LL ******* TELL YOU WHAT'S ROUGH.
Getting knocked up at way too young,
Living off the government you once hated so much.
Welfare, WIC, unemployment.
No husband, not back from deployment.
Think I'm wrong?
Write a song.
Punk rock band,
needed a hand,
So many ways to get ******* paid
To sit on your ***
And dwell in the life you made.

When dragging my bow
Long, drawn out, and dull
I often wonder what they hear
If my violin strikes their ear

But I know they will not hear me alone
I'm playing a concert in this home
To many a fair, to many a famous
Still I sit tall, still I sit shameless

My fingers are dancing, turning the page
I stand near the end, and bow, on the stage
Hands are joyously clapping
I yawn, because, I'd rather be napping

We close our last song with a little soul
Some girl, as we're leaving, drops her cello
And I already feel ready to be back in school
****, could playing the violin be anymore cool?

Of love

I am mourning
Kisses in the morning
There, moaning
Here, groaning
Is it pain?
Is it pleasure?
Will it ever get better?

I am sick
Of you

And the way I feen
That face, my dream
An incessant need
To feed
On your love
High as a dove
In flight

I am sick
Of me

I'm letting go
Goodbye
Don't cry
Goodnight
Don't die
Go on without me
pretty baby,
You'll be fine
You'll be fine
You'll be fine
You'll be fine
You'll be fine

Eyes that do not sink
and lips that do not speak.
Bodies that only mesh,
that only breathe,
when there is need.

His only need
ceases to be desired.
Walking away from me,
Painting a mental image,
That makes me ******* sick.

Love does not exist here.
Although I thought it to be so,
You did not protect me.
You stole my only hope.

Lips that meet
Hips that greet
and hands, shaky hands
Find the path along my thighs

I whisper in fear,
I beg you not to do this.
*** will never be the same,
I wont forget your name.

But he doesnt stop,
He loves it when I cry.
Smacking me into submission,
Loving the sparkle
From the tears in my eyes.

It gets him going,
but it gets me sobbing.
And he finishes, like that
Pushes me away as he pulls
I roll over into the grass,
Throw up in front of myself
Try to stand

He is gone before I know it,
but just wait until I see
His ******* face
Again.

I dont feel your words
Not like a slap, or a sting

Not unless its ******* me
In the brain

Reminding me what you lost
When you were scared

I tried to explain
That I care, that I cared

Only now I regret it
I wish to take it back

I miss the smell of your skin
The taste of your lips

But not your slap
Or the harsh grab of my wrist

Your hands in my face
Lips in the wrong place

I miss the way your skin smells
Like adrenaline and old Hollister cologne

But not the sweat of exasperation
From giving me elaborate explanation

"I didn't mean to hit you so hard.."
But I haven't been here to care

"Did I give you that scar?"
Back then you didn't care

"Who the **** have you told?"
They haven't been here to care

"I'll still love you when you're old."
We both know you won't be here to care.

I know that you'd be scared,
If you saw what I have prepared

Razor, sharp and ready
Pills, and there are plenty

I don't want anyone to see,
An extremely gruesome scene

So I wont cut out my heart
Like I want to
and leave it with a note
Addressed to you

Just know my heart is yours
It has been all this time
know that my death wasn't so planned
But rather thought of, and divine

I love everything about you
Please believe me, cause it's true
I miss every word you said,
I replay it in my head

And this was all a lie
Goodbye, my love
Goodbye.

Can we live without death?
Can we love without hate?
Can we want without need?
I've fallen once again.

Do we ever really live enough to appreciate that we can never truly grasp one without the other?
That a concept has no meaning without an opposing force.
If hate is what's inside us.
And hate it what defines us.
Then we will use our hate to drive us.
And let death not deprive us.
Do we want this or do we need this?
You can always rinse the surface but the stain will remain.

I miss the feeling I get when I'm standing five feet from Lights & she's singing a song that's touching my soul.
I reach to the sky and feel alive,
singing every word I know.
Blood rushing through my veins like electric pulses, my feet can't touch the ground, my knees are shaking now;
she reaches out and in that split second -
I grab on and don't let go.
Ill never let go.
Love for music is bigger than any other love I've ever felt. Brighter. Softer.
Easier to hold onto and harder to lose!
Ill never let go, Lights.
You helped mold me into who I am.
You helped me see that my goals can be met.
You give me strength when I am weak; love when I am cold. I will never let go.
Forever & always a fan.

Sick of thinking
Sick of feeling
Away from you
My mind is reeling

Images of kissing, touching
Gently her hand and face
Caressing

Every memory of touch
And feel with you
Gives me chills
I miss those

That greedy feeling
Of your naked skin
Rubbing mine so tender
I gasp and exhale slow

Where does time go?

From the way you kiss
Bite gently
Run your fingertips
Down my belly

The warmth and love
Is nothing I've ever had before
A man's touch is like a drug
One I hadn't tasted before

I was weak and in love
I would give you the moon
And the stars above
I would give you my heart

But you've stolen that, too.

Like my virtue
My happy
My lovey dovey tender
Feeling

Away from you
My mind is reeling

Are you kissing,
Touching, holding her?
Do you miss the way my skin
Smells and feels like home?

Or is she home?

I dont want anyone
who doesnt taste like you
I need that sweet
flavor of love and hate
I need a real long taste

loneliness beats
like a hummingbirds wings
in the streets of
every mind
along
the endless tick-tock
of a hickory clock
telling you
it's almost time