I love it when you wear eye-liner,
and I love it when you don't
because your bare eyes are indicators of your exhaustion level

I love it when you wear foundation,
and I love it when you don't
because you make my heart sink every time you blush

I love it when you wear lipstick,
and I love it when you don't
because your lips get redder when I kiss you

I love you whatever you do
but don't feel the need to do it for my sake,
do it for you

**I love you

Most people fear being reminded
more than they fear remembering

I made peace
with the pain
And reminisced
what is yet to end

They say "be careful who you make memories with"
I think I was, with you at least.

I don't think I regret any of it,
not you,
not the memories with you,
not any of it.

I was careful.
Now, I'm grateful.

You didn't teach me much,
but you helped me teach myself.

I never said thank you for that.

Do you know how many people
I've killed
in my poems?

Staring at the ceiling
wondering how fast
it got so wrong

Felt like speeding
on an empty highway
only to crash
into nothingness

And I wonder
how fast
It got so wrong

Out of
The blue
Thin air

Were there any signals?
Besides my beating heart?
Any signs?
Other than my shaking limbs?
Any symptoms,
Apart from my heavy breathing?

Remember the time,
you stood beside me
watching the milky orange sunset?

"Waves are warnings," you said

And what, may I ask, were our waves?

The lonely afternoons?
Or the empty glances?
Were they the motionless emotions?
Or the spitting of unsaid words?

"Waves are warnings,"
But viewers see them as natural blessings

And who's to say warnings are not?

I wallowed in the mud for too long
now I'm knees deep in quicksand

"lie on your back," they say
I've been lying here for ages

whatever I do feels like unlocking
only one of endless cages

sometimes I wonder
if everyone struggles the same
or did I put myself in the cages?
am I the one to blame?

infinity minus one?
is infinity just the same

Bring your knees
as close to your chest
as you are able

but remember

fetal positions
don't turn back
time
or place

Shed your skin.
Stop carrying it around
on your back,
trying to remind yourself
of who you once were

Regenerating skin cells
are living proof
that the past can be
gone and forgotten

I swear there are nights I cannot sleep
I toss and turn and think deep
I cry and I cry and I weep
And I wonder...
if if one drop of tears
is yours,
in this heap

Don't ask me which pen is best
for writing

Don't ask me which font is best
for typing

Don't ask me which fabric is best
for running

Don't ask me which thread is best
for flossing

Don't ask me which shoes are best
for walking

I'm not saying it doesn't matter
I'm saying: START
I'm saying: CONTINUE

I'm saying: DON'T OVERTHINK THIS
I'm saying: **Consistency is key

Charles Dickens wrote in Great Expectations,
of a Miss Havisham, who stopped her clocks
at the exact time she was left at the altar.

We were once waiting for the elevator;
once it reached the ground floor,
it indicated that it is at the 3rd floor
Wittily, you said, "maybe he lost his love at the 3rd floor"

I don't think you understand how poetic you are.

And that silent gasp of breath
you take in the middle of the night
when you tears render you out of breath

breaks my entire heart

but I know
you'd rather
not talk about it

1,
he used commas
even when the essay
was one sentence long
2,
he never liked labels
and his entire body shivered
as someone tried to describe him
in one
3,
he told me why
4,
a word will never
describe a person,
will never capture
the essence behind his smile
the word,
may try to surround him
like tree branches,
grow around him
but he is free to change
free to grow
and free to contradict,
he was never a label
5,
many days
he cried
and the tears
rushed down
his smiling face
6,
he would think of things
the world was oblivious of
make words
for thoughts
he was a floating cloud
a flying lantern
a wandering kite
7,
he was temporary
8,
people like him
cannot be enclosed
cannot be imprisoned,
routine is prison
9,
we were never a label
we never called ourselves
a couple
he once said
we were
ourselves together
and this
made me ecstatically
speechless
10,
he used commas,
never periods,
I guess
I always knew
he will be
running on.

Click click
Light that cigarette
Take your mind off the woman
Who took your heart away

The first time you saw her
She felt like sunshine on a rainy day
But everytime you were close enough to touch her
She would fade between the clouds

And everytime you were close enough to hear her
She would forget what she was saying

Blame not the ones
Who haven't learned how to love
All their lives
They have lived in a shell

Try to remove her
Without breaking her shell

And you ask me how I'm doing
but how can I describe being trapped in a maze
I know the exit of

How do I explain what
the lump in my throat feels like?

I've gotten so used to its flavor
I'm forgetting what it tastes like

What does dignity taste like when wrapped around in fake laughter and salted with tears?

How can I tell you this
without having you think I'm asking for attention?

Maybe I am asking for attention

Attention your wallet has not learned how to afford

Isn't it funny

How we interpret things
based on our perception
and feelings

and reading things
at different times

Is reading different things?


-

So how many words can you really read?

(Reading this + feeling that = infinite words)

-

If words are the same said,
as read

does that mean

"I love you"
is less
when
I am
talking
to you
you,
you,
you,
you.
Because you
never
loved
me
too?

Now did you?

-

I shall read this poem
again and again
and wonder
who
I wrote it
to.

You.

my dear
its fear

don't let it near
don't let it here

my dear
its fear

hide this tear
fake a cheer

"but dear,
fear is always here
every day, all year
whats the point of staying clear
if you cannot steer"

fear lies in your heart and mind
there's no point in denying its mere existence
because you can't control it unless it controls you first

blame
cannot
be
put
upon
those
we
understand

Hurt
you can have it all,
my empire of dirt

Your firsts sway
as you walk

your nose bleeds
when its cold

you frown when
you have a headache

and you cry
as you laugh

you are a book of secrets
and the key is an illusion
and even if your secrets
are about your bowel habits,
to me,
forever you'll be,
an enchanting mystery

Carve the cement
with your brittle nails

home is the indents
in your skin,
and the creases
around your eyes
It's the curvature
of your skull
and the veins
in your feet

You keep searching
for a heartbeat
in the crowd,
hoping you'll some day
call it home

But dear,
I remind you
of what I often
have to
remind myself


Home is where your heart is

Sliding on my knees
was a game I used to play
It was determined by inertia,
who would win that day

Lately,
I landed on my knees
after my thighs failed to run
away from the man
I call 'the one'

I felt myself slide
as far as never before

And although,
I was running from
the man I love;
I knew in my core:

I won

because I slid further more
than before

People often talk of events,
but rarely of their sequence

I firmly believe that the past
prepares for the present
and the present
prepares for the future

and if the present came to you in the past
you will fall on the ground
and bleed all the prayers known to man

your eyes are constantly crying
removing all dirt from your eyes, dear
don't let anyone shame you
for over-lacrimation at times

Remember that its never more
than you can bear
and that your hunchback
may look like poor lifestyle choices
to some-
but I know
your back is adapting
to the weight it has
to carry

the body is strong,
but the mind is stronger,
denial is a strong weapon
don't let anyone tell you
its a weakness

Light layers
of insecurities
to a core
of susceptibility

Color me
see through
but dress me
in colors

I have not learned
how to explain
this kind of pain

Nothing hurts
but everything
feels like its
about to implode

Back in the day,
there were no cellphones,
so when people made plans
they did not confirm them


Can you imagine that?
Being completely dependent on the fact that someone is showing up

Looking for them in the crowds

Praying nothing has happened to them,
Worrying

You can't communicate with them in any way.

What you can and should do is:

have faith in them; trust them

They should know: this trust once torn, cannot be stitched
and if this is not motive enough for them to come
then nothing is

who else would find crying weakness
other than a bully

It's one of those times again,
when I wonder what happened

and it's one of those times
when I remember and go back
trying to figure out
the crack

I might be justifying,
wrongly here.
and this poem
might all be based
on wrong perception.
It might all be-
just a logical assumption,
I have come up with
in the middle of the night
to help myself
sleep

But

It was both of our faults,
mostly mine

I guess we tried to change each other
until we no longer knew
what we loved in
one another

we were so indecisive of
what we wanted
each other to be

and perhaps all the love in the world
couldn't erase
the repressed feelings we had
of being forced to change

I hope you understand.

You were the reason why

and I forgot that

[you are]
woven into my soul
and brain
beyond recognition

Rid yourself of the things
you think you need

Throw letters
that once meant everything

Severed ties
Could only go weaker

Time spent in company
Should never feel
Like sacrifice

I caressed the edges
of the knives in my back

Memorized every *****
in my thorns

Reviewed my way
around my scars

And recited
the ugly words

I made peace
with the past
and whispered
what I needed to say

I want to tell you
about the familiar cologne
I smell on your collarbones

I think I've worn it before
Some time in the past
when I thought scents
would last...
and they did

Maybe the corner of your eyes
do not look like mine
but I swear
I see myself in your pupils
and feel myself in your iris

The delicate firmness
you hold yourself in
like a collapsed skyscraper
like a simplified complexity

I have worn it before

Maybe I met you before

Maybe I love you

Maybe
I'm just in love
with what reminds me
of myself

Maybe
I'm just in love
with myself

Is something wrong with that?

I drink my morning coffee,
gulp after gulp,
searching for sanity
in the bottom of the cup

Some days,
I can't write poetry

When my thoughts are weights
my fingers cannot carry
and my tears are curtains
that keep blinding me

When my breath is a shallow sigh
and my lungs cannot wait
When my words are too sharp
For my tongue to articulate

When everything makes sense
but nothing does

And you'll miss
The bliss
While waiting
For the other shoe to drop

racing
thru
sleepless
nights

trying
to get
a hold
of your
sight

A day
might come
far long
from now

And I'll be
Just
A story

There are thoughts that make my bones shake
smells that make my nose cry
and sights that make my eyes bleed

There are moments when my body loses its tone
when my resting face becomes a canvas of contracting muscles
and I don't realize what is happening

tears precede my thoughts
and I bleed before I have time to think
control is not an option

my vocal cords forget how to resonate
and no longer is my voice my own

my arteries pump more blood
than my heart can pump back
and I feel the blood pulsate in my limbs
as I try to calm down

I forget how it feels
to inhale surrounding air
without feeling suffocated

my thoughts become unrealistic
and you'd think they'd be more organized
but they're not
they are not

reality is the option
my brain is trying to avoid
so I think of movies
and lunch

but like microbes
reality infests the diversion
my brain had created

and a loop plays in my head
a loop of nothingness
of uncertainty and
loss of control

and so the blood rolls down my cheeks
as my bones begin to tremble
and tears fall down my nose

please, God,
let this moment end

Step
Into
The
Ocean

Of deep
Overpowering
Gratefulness

Today
You did not
Lose the battle
To shallow water

the best way
to describe you

is like an itch
I can't locate

and I'll scratch
my skin off
before I realize

you're only
in my brain

Lose yourself
To a sea of weakness
But be sure
No one
Is swimming

When hope hurts,
and dreams only breed nightmares

Remember,
you are not
the sum of your mistakes,
nor the divisions
of your failures

Humans are programmed
to find bitterness repulsive,
for most poisons are bitter

Boy,
I wish I hadn't conditioned myself
to loving bitter flavors;
as I drank unsweetened black tea
and bit into dark chocolate

Maybe then, I wouldn't have
ignored the bitter aftertaste
your lips left on mine

I gave up
On trying to fix
What has been long broken

Shattered pieces scattered all around
And why would I
Be picking all the sharp edges?

My arms wrap tight
around my waist

my toes clenched
muscles contracted

my hands in fists
throbbing wrists

I feel trapped
but I'm not claustrophobic

my arms wrap tighter
and my lungs cannot expand

this breath I need to take
is slipping from my hands

my arms
loosen
my lungs
expand

this breath
I take
is the sigh
I make

every
time
I think
of
you

she smirked and said
"goodbye
is a misnomer
there is nothing good
about goodbyes"

but as I'm saying goodbye
it tugs at the strength
in my soul
testing my limits
once again

goodbyes
taught me more skills
than hellos
ever could

Your lies shattered like crystal
Spread all around the living room

Many days
My bare feet teach me all about regret

As I,
Once again,
Get cut
By their pieces