Know,
if you are struggling to remember something
then there is something you're struggling to forget

We can't remember unless we forget.

Go where the people aren't
and clench your jaw

Every breath feels like fire
in your lungs
And every tear
feels like ice

Worry not

Life has a way
of preparing you
for what is
yet to come

It was easier for him
to refer to me as 'she'

To avoid the streets I walk in
and to never drink tea

To avoid eye contact
and throw away his key

To make new friends
who are not friends with me

To convince himself
that I'm erased from his memory

To throw away the plants
and cut down the tree

To drop everything
and - just like that - flee

He doesn't know it yet,
but that doesn't help

He thinks he is forgetting me
but he is remembering-
he is remembering to forget me

and memory doesn't work this way

As much as it pains me to say,
- make new memories in the streets we walked in
- and associate tea with food, not me
- water the plants so they would grow, as can we
- look me in the eye and remind yourself, I am not the me I used to be, that you used to see
- repeat my name over and over, until you feel nothing
- keep your key because I changed the locks
- meet up with our friends, and hear my news- and wish the best for me

I wish the tear on my cheek was because I am cutting onions,
as I am preparing your favorite meal,
but it isn't

I hope you'll associate me with goodness,
and smile when you're 80 as you remember me

she sat there in silence
digging into her wrist
with tweezers

she said
ants were crawling
under her skin

swore
she only wanted
to let them out

freedom
is a resonating
irony

Grey rainbows
Empty shells
Weakness in abundance
Burning smiles
Unfocused lenses
Weakness
Forgiveness
Depth of salt
Swim or float?

I sometimes speak
words I don't comprehend,
throw the names
into the wind as
tears
make their way
into my eyes

I remind myself
of the phrases
I keep holding on to

and the fears
start creeping in
I swallow them
with my saliva
only after then,
in my intestines,
they'd be reabsorbed
into my blood

they travel
through my arteries
and veins
and settle in my brain
control my heartbeat
and my nervous system
and I shiver
with self-doubt

On days
I want to stay in
I don't wash my hair
I never mind
how I look like
because I love my soul
and I love my body
and I love my face

But tell me why
I wash my hair when
I go out
tell me why,
when I do that,
my body screams
in uncertainty,
demanding to know
what my
plan
is

I don't have a plan
on most days,
I wallow in self-pity
and sleep amongst regrets
and I wake up happy

they tell me to never sleep
when I'm sad
but it soothes my soul

I want to be loved
but I assure you
I will reject love
when it comes
knocking in my door

I will recognize love
through the peep hole
put my fingers in my ears
and go to the other room
and when love
calls me
my body will shiver
because I don't know
what to do

I'm not used to love
I'm not used to being given attention
and wanting it is not the same
as seeking it

And wanting it,
never harmed anyone

Contradicting myself
is my biggest talent
and I sometimes
wonder
if I have ten brains
fused into one

Vulnerability
is my greatest treasure
and it will one day
eat me alive

I promise you,
I will learn from my mistakes


Being aware of the effect
is not the same
as causing it

and on days like this,
I blame my hormones,
I blame things I cannot control

so that I allow myself
moments
of weakness

It consumes me no more

I grew thick skin
It can no longer chew
My meat became bitter
Like coffee brewed


I've decided to become inconsumable

You spent your life
swimming against the current
in blue and ghastly oceans

You stepped into this pool,
surprised by the lack of static

Making more effort
than you need to,
But much less,
much much less,
than you want to

Swimming against the current
is what you learned to live by
every other option
*doesn't feel like home

As I laid my head on your chest,
I felt your heart beat faster

I don't think I'd ever forget
that moment

when even your heart
was cheering for us

I bite my fingernails
Then nervously scratch my hair

I've been in fights before
One time I punched a guy
For making fun of my neck
I pushed him against the desk
And kicked his stomach.
He never spoke to me again.
I went home crying that day
Victory never tasted so salty.

Insecurities ringing in my ears
Like the alarm on a clock

It's time
Time again

I've been in fights before
But there's only one that leaves me
On the bathroom floor
With sunken eyes
A bitter taste on my tongue
And a sandpaper feel on my teeth

I've been in fights before
None as hard
As the one against myself

What do you do
When you don't believe yourself?
Who are you, if you are more than one?

I always thought I had two hands
For a reason
As one would push against
The back of my throat
The other
Would hug my waist

I don't know who I am
The clock keeps ticking
It's time again
I don't want it to be

There are two arms in a clock
And two arms on my body

It's time
It's time again

I was writing my research
The other night
I had to explain
The conflict of interest
In my study

I forget the research doesn't care about me
The conflict of interest
Doesn't mean when I sleep all day
Miss my college classes and fail my quizes
So that no one hears what happens in the toilet
At 3:12 am

When I was in 4th grade
My friend told me her secret method for a happy life

She said she'd write down
What had made her upset
Then tear it into little pieces
And throw it away

I have no one to talk to
And my room is full of confetti
Sometimes I convince myself
That someone is cheering for me

Why is no one cheering for me?
I am skinny
I am skinny
Why is no one cheering for me?

I feel two feelings
Every day of my life
One that I have betrayed someone
The other that I have been betrayed

I'm still trying to figure out
Which
Is worse

Woke up
Ate breakfast
Brushed my teeth
And put on makeup

Today
Is not the day
I stay in bed

But I am not strong
Enough
Against
The flow of my tears

I pat my mascara-tears
Under my eyes
And cover my red nose
With a ton of powder

Why do I try so hard
To distract
Myself
Of the undeniable truth
Of extreme sadness

Maybe I should take a makeup wipe
Remove all my makeup
And weep till early dawn

I am tired
Of fighting
And faking
What I know
Is the truth

If you ask me where I live,
I'd say "under your nail bed"
where its yellow,
blue and red

Horever, I live in dread
for I can grow out of you
and not one tear would be shed

Spinning wheel,
take my home
my odds
are testing my patience

Its funny how poetry
likes to be written in black
when often
it needs to be in yellow

sometimes
it isn't about loss
haunting regrets
or hollow sadness

sometimes
its about the way the sun hits the window
and wakes you up after a good night's sleep
sometimes
its about the smiles your muscles show
before you can control them
sometimes
its about a hopeful moment
in a near future
or newly changed bed sheets
or a chuckle with a baby
or the smell of freshly baked cookies

sometimes
its about the gratefulness
in words you can't begin to speak
sometimes its about a hit
thats such a near-miss
sometimes its about a hug
or a look
or a feeling

sometimes its about
a beating heart
a functioning liver
and a ...

sometimes its about a speechless tongue
that cannot speak these blessings
for it will take too long

When I was little,
I only felt the pain
when I saw the blood

yet somehow,

when you melted
my dreams
and distracted me from
satisfaction

It hurt
more than blood
had prepared me to

I'm still learning how to trust myself

You taught me how to love

So many times
I've slept
with the words
still inside me

I thought I was
letting go

Now
I wake up
with reflux,
burning like shame

I was too unwilling
to ask for forgiveness
so I slept
with my mistakes

Feels
like a volcano
on the verge
of eruption

Sadness
fills the gaps
of your teeth
as you smile

Mixtures
of epiphanies

And the scariest of all
is extreme loneliness,

The fact that you will
live through everyone
leaving you

Emptiness
feels a lot
like acceptance

Expectations
May be the root
of all heartache

And heartache, to me
Always felt like heartburn
My body screaming words
I never said

I'd like to think
wind can still enter
after I've closed the windows

All souls
can write
poetry


but not
all souls
need to

2 minutes
breathless

spastic
and in tears

let it rain
down on my shoulders
its
as close to a hug
I can get

one day
I will fall
into limbo
forget corners exist
and be thankful
I can't see

He felt like a cloudy night in the desert,

Nowhere I went felt right

Realizations
Fit
Like pieces
In a puzzle

Surprise
No longer comes
With disappointment

If you want it,

                                                                                              you can have it.

                                                           But know

                    
                                       that                    I'm                      not                

                                                                  *it

and sweetheart,
you did change the world,

*one poem at a time

let the flames of tragedy
redefine you

and after a bone breaks,
it heals to become stronger

so I'll call my heart a bone
and watch as you break it

I'll welcome the pain
with open arms

and as it slips through my fingers
I'll try to forget

how
much
you took
away
from me

The need for validation
the lack of affection
the idea of love
and appeal of attention

a dangerous combination
a potion for complete destruction

and once your heart settles down
it will start asking questions

but how can you explain
romanticizing disruption?

drinking leftover coffee from yesterday
as you struggle to adjust to the light in the room

the wind is strong on your bare shoulders
but your fluffy socks are balancing the effect

life is good
and so are you

You told me I should write
Give the world a piece of my mind
And find my inner peace

Looking at happiness
with gloomy eyes
is never truthful

Looking at it now,
everything I remember you said
sounds like human sacrifice

I swear
you took more pieces
than I knew I had

I think
you did it
by breaking me

You told me to write
but ever since
I've been writing in riddles

trying to save myself
any last piece

trying
feels a lot
like stuttering,
and I'd rather
not speak

dark clouds hover
over my head

I can't complain
about my shelter

I kept your letters,
but I haven't read them once since you left

Maybe its because
I'm keeping them for a day
when I need to remember
how loving you felt like

because I haven't yet forgotten

Paralyzed
as life
Unravels

I worry about you

Some nights I soak my pillow
then cry into my hands
I try to press against my cheeks as tightly as I can
and convince them that they're laughing

One time, I cried all the way to your house in a taxi,
rushed to your bed and cried on there too,
we drank smoothies that day

I worry about you
I worry and I can't tell you
I don't wanna worry you too

I wish I can look into your eyes and tell you I forgive you,
and mean it

When I'm crying,
I feel like I'm suffocating by a lump in my throat
I think my pride had made its way into my airways, hoping to be coughed out
But I don't cough it out, I keep swallowing it back in

I guess this is how it feels

I guess this is where I am

I trained my feet to keep walking it feels so weird to stop

And tomorrow's gonna be different

A different reason to smile in the morning

If you ask me how I ended up here
I'll tell you I was blindfolded
and dragged to an unfamiliar ocean
dropped on to a boat made of
cheap sheets of wood
The waves are taking me away
and I'm yelling off the top of my lungs
and everyone I know is on the sand

no one is helping me

except you

"the way I loved you was consuming"

And I'll send a lonely prayer on a winter night,
For you

I saw butterflies today
they were beautiful

I spread my arms wide
like in cliche stock images
and welcomed
any sunshine

I tied my heart
into my stomach

I am done
bearing the pain
every time
it chooses
to sink