One football field. One game. One team.
One girl.
Keep away for a football, yet little did I know that it was for my heart.
Kid love, just thoughts of love. Kicking shins and tackles in grass.
Climbing trees, fences, and private properties.
Soccer games were a must, even the one she scored on his team. He says it doesn’t count. 13 years old and one guy makes me rethink life.

What she thought she knew.
What she thought love was.
What she thought one boy could do was nothing compared to the others.
Something was different with this boy.
She followed him everywhere he went.
She let him influence her thoughts, her emotions and her heart.
She wondered why butterflies erupted in her stomach when she looked at him.

Brown orbs and black rimmed frames looked back hers.
His eyes told her stories, wondrous adventures, and scandalous ideas.
He warned her, she chose not to listen.
He told her her the dangers, it didn’t matter I’d follow him anywhere
This was it.

Flash forward leaving child play behind us.
Yet we are still climbing trees, fences and private properties.
Snarky comments, egos high and hormones on edge.
New challenges to face for teenagers, new assignments, and new personalities.
My focus was still him, made sure he stayed happy with his girls and vice versa.
Wearing your jersey on those Friday nights. Only i wore his number. Number 66/67.
Him in the stands sitting in the perfect position to watch me dance. She showed him the whole routine for this reason.
This was it.

April 26, 2016
This time blankets are laid on floors and the sky was a vast space of glitter.
A special occasion before prom. Their last prom.
Hands were held, lips were touched and her body was taken to another universe.
Nobody around to see what they truly were, themselves.
They watched the stars, he brought my favorite chips, a gallon water jug and candles.
The candles couldn’t light because of the breeze we had.
This one person took a hold of my heart without me knowing.
Broke my walls without trying.
This was it.

Moves were made, distance struck, and the two were in different cities.
Late night phone calls were the priority and visits were placed.
The first person to welcome her home to the last person to say goodbye.
Always like that.
Except.
She’s invited to family excursions, and their talks were getting longer than they were. Serious conversation was conversed.
He moved her back October 8, 2017.
This was it. Right?

Wrong.  
I hurt him too.
Because that’s who I grew to be. Heartless yet kind. A monster yet an angel.
We stopped talking for months,
Until two weeks after his birthday.
He calls me, I answer.
I always answered.
He told her he Loved her.
She cried harder.
He calms her down, singing his heart out to make her feel better.
Making your side comments that I loved.
Little did she know it was their last conversation.

April 8, 2018
Here lies the body of a sweet man. A man who had stuck by my side even when told not too. A man who held my heart from the beginning.
A man I was suppose to marry.
A man who placed wonderful and hurtful memories across my mind.
A man that was everything to me, is gone.

I place a red rose on his casket, a kiss for the afterlife, and a complete wreck of silent cries.
It wasn’t it and now she’d never know what could’ve been. She’d be stuck and lost. Forever in their memory, an everlasting love taken too soon.
This was it.
The end.

I finally did it. I deleted those pictures.
Everything about you is gone.
I’m glad, took longer than expected
But it’s done.

I finally sleep through the night.
Not feeling what I felt thanks to your lies.
Actually moving on.

So why try to message me.
That I will never understand

I’d rather be us,
Than what I’ve already been.

Our emotions run a list in our mind,
And now we are blind.
Lost in a euphoria that isn’t what it is.
Creating a picture to hold us back.

No more i say.
It is time to fight those demons,
Take back our hopes and dreams.

We aren’t what our thoughts are,
We can be more than where we are now.
we are better than this.

I stand alone in my mind. A spotlight shines down on me.
Portraying what I am really doing.
Staying.
Lost.

I have no thoughts just an endless echo of silence.
Fueled by hate, pain and sorrow.
Which to feel first?
It’s not like I smile anymore.

My smile was beautiful, it was simple.
Though it was so sincere, content and pure.
If only I could smile like that,
Would I be able to get out?  

The world keeps moving forward.
Just like the seasons, pushing towards winter, everyone around is moving.
I’m stuck. I can’t move my legs.
In cement locked in place with no one around to rescue me.

To give in
Or to not.
I’m confused, my heart wants you.
My mind refuses to let myself give in.

So many things happened,
How am I suppose to let it all slide?
Is Love worth it?

I hate this feeling.
I wish I knew what I wanted.
I wish I could want you as badly as you want me.

Succumbed to the weakness of you,
Tolerating what was then.
Personals never to brought upon,
Yet stuck to my skin like summer sweat.
One night,
One life,
One set to say goodbye.
Fake customers and heard in the deep,
I can’t run back no longer I could.
I played with the mental,
Still stood tall,
And I am still sticking to my memoir of you.
Life isn’t easy nor is it quaint.
I’ve loved both and one still stands.
To be in love is an act of weakness,
To let those who figure realize.
I’ve know what I did,
Nobody could compare to what was;
Least I know what I do.
Again starting back to what I knew

There’s a small voice screaming.
Begging.
Crying.

It sits on the floor,
Legs pressed to its chest
Screams.

Blood starts to run down its arms,
Never did I notice.
How could I miss such detail.

It’s dying.
Begging for its life.
Hoping for another chance.
But it never would.

The deed is done.

Happiness.
Serenity.
Peace.
All those qualities I deserve from someone other than myself.

Good memories.
Laughing all day and night.
Never time to think negative.
Every one of these actions I deserve from someone other than myself.

No longer will I feel worthless.
Despite where I’m at.
Hopefully this is my knight.
Fingers crossed this is right.

•
I shall sit,
Let you continue on,
I’ll remain deep inside.
I shall watch you fall,
Falling off the mountains of lies,
To which makes you feel better for yourself.
The rising moon is soon,
Bubble and fester Into black nothingness,
Be what is meant.
•

You’re going to linger in the back of my mind.
How could you not?
I loved you.

Now that we are going our separate ways
I can’t help but be happy and proud of you.
You’re going places and I’m working on my ****.

You have the love of your life and I have mine,
In my memories and heart.
Yours so close and near to hold.
Truly glad we are getting it where it needs.

No more calls and texts from you,
I hope.
No more nicknames,
Even though they were cute.
No more saying I love you,
Because we don’t need too.
Not anymore

Oh you’re back.
How was the trip?
Wait you need to do what?
You can’t right now though..
Really?.. that bad.
Well then.. okay. Guess it’s your turn.

Hi nice to meet you, we’ll get to names later.
She almost did it.
God you should’ve seen it.
But that’s done and over with.
No more you after all.
I’ve held her ground. I picked up the pieces. I saw her sink.
But I’ve seen her pick herself up. I watched her clean her mess. I saw her rise.
She thinks she needs someone and she truly doesn’t.
That’s why she has me.
Oh and I’m not good with names.. see ya.

Blissful songs,
Sang quietly in my ear as I fall asleep.
Your hand rubbing my arm up and down,
The other rubbing my back.
Truly spoiled in your love,
For your love needs not one comparison.
It’s true,
It’s wild,
And it’s all mine.
No one else to call you theirs,
You are just mine.
All mine my love.

I do things with him I didn’t with you.
My communication is worth more than my screams.
You held me back and held you.
We thought it was love,
When in fact,
It ‘twas an idea.

Tragic
Suspenseful
Lost

My walls are building,
My esteem weak with need.
Hurt and devastated,
I saw differently.
Sure as to what was told,
Another was seen.
Two minds of one body.
As that said,
We were to be corrupt.
Twisted in a euphoric thoughts of love,
Thoughts that we’d be okay.
Yet it wasn’t enough.

I’m broken
I’m in the wrong
Yet I’m the best thing
Till I’m not
Till you leave me alone,
By myself in a dark ball.
Screaming and kkicking for you to save me.
You don’t have to save me now.
You got what you wanted and I.
I’ll be another trainer for the perfect man.

Here we go again,
The spiral down and this time,
This time it’ll hurt.
Stuck in the same spot,
Neither wanting to move,
So we stay.
It’s okay,
It’s alright,
We got this,
All sweet nothing of lies.
Now you don’t get to have me,
You’ll see me smile brighter,
Laugh louder,
Conversation will go about.
In this life,
I won’t sit back and hurt,
Cry when I can’t,
Scream when frustrated,
I’ll survive.
I always do.

“I don’t get why you’re still in bed.”
“You need to go outside.”
You need to do this
You need to do that
You need...

What I need is the thoughts of negative thoughts to leave me head.
Then I could leave my bed.
The struggle to force myself out of bed only to do nothing in the process.
My drive and will and are slowly decreasing,
It’s almost nonexistent.
I feel still and emotionally gone.
Nothing I do is making me feel better

Longing for a home.
Trapped in desire.
Is this what I wished?

Oh how this could go.
One way it ends in your favor.
The other in bane.

Nervousness and thrilled.
Butterflies erupt in a way that haven’t before.
I’ve seen you thousands of times,
Heard your words.

So why does this feel different?
I do not know,
But life is a risk.
I suppose I’ll take another one on.

I was burned to ash only to rise.
Thoughts of the wise,
Love of the highs,
And lost of all of the goodbyes.  

You broke me down.
Not knowing you made the final blow.  
Leaving me on the floor.
Cold and alone.

I’ve cried until it was nothing,
Because I knew you were only bluffing.
My anger rises and I am hungry.
Fueled by angst and negativity.

No longer will I play nice,
After all it was you who turned me towards the next vice.
I know I’ll be fetched for a hefty price.

I wasted your time.
I knew this was a bad idea.
Thinking anything would be different.  

I’m still trash and honestly,
Im so sorry for wasting your efforts.
You shouldn’t have to work this hard.

It’s suppose to be easy if two people love each other.
So why do I make it so hard..

My emotions. To you are simple,
Don’t get to attached.
Keep it short.
Always look away.
Yet I’m still writing to you,
So amazed at your thought process.
You guys are alive,
You are alive

I don’t NOT love you,
I just choose to separate myself from,
Who you are becoming with me.

I hate being wrong.
I hate being right.

You were on one knee again.
I was about to say yes.
“Nunez!”

My eyes shoot open and I’m in my red jumpsuit.
I turn to look at the guard, he brought me the book I wanted.
Two nights ago that is.

The girls in my pod were joyous and full of life.
I just smiled when needed and tucked the book under my mat.
Then climbed in my cocoon to fall asleep again till court.

It was four o’clock when I read what happened.
Stabbing you and breaking your phone was the only intentions I had apparently.
Your real name pops up throughout the reading and I’m filled with rage, hurt and vengeance.

Instead I cry.
Screaming inside hoping someone notices.
My heart burned and crumbled.
All because I wanted you to leave and you couldn’t, wouldn’t.

I’m stuck with felonies to fight while you get to run around free.
I hope you never see me again and I to you.
Everyone was right.

I shouldn’t have went back.

We wandered around,
Zia at our heals trying to keep up.
That’s when we saw it.
Floating effortlessly in the air,
A mass of beautiful colors.
Only three.

We walked towards the swarm of reds, yellows, and orange colors and they moved,
Flying around us to create our own bubble.
So unbelievable,
I couldn’t believe it had I not seen it.
Zia snapping at air to collect them in her mouth.

You pulled me into a side hug and held me there,
Taking in the beauty I saw as well.
“This is awesome. Now I get why you always come out here. Always something new to find.”
Those words full of sincerity,
And I look at you in awe.
“Who knew Scrub, ladybugs.”

We never found this place,
But it is my favorite place to meet you in.
Only in my dreams,
Where our laughter will echo in forever.

Understand
I could plainly tell you what I’m saying.
I’m screaming in my head for you to know what I’m saying, yet it’s never enough.
My words could be a simple as learning how to write. Voicing your thoughts onto paper and making them into words.
I could be in my bed crying myself to sleep and only to wake up with our call dropped.
I’m still hurting and I’m tired, you don’t make it easier for me; even though you couldn’t since you are you.
It’s all a ******* lie, no matter how hard I am trying, no matter what I do. It wouldn’t be enough. Ever.

You’re seeing red,
Bloodlust for hatred.
Absorbed in your own pain that you don’t see it.

Everyone around you is leaving,
And which they should.
They don’t need someone to be heaving around.

Stuck in your past rather than looking forward.
Yet the past has grown us to this.
Nothing good ever stays.

I’ll let you think what you want.
Instead of asking a question,
You’d rather assume.
That’s the best part

Goodnight my love, it is time to lay our bodies to rest.
I stare at the wall, every way I sleep, there’s a wall. And as I stare into this wall I think of the day that has gone to past.
You of course.
Unfortunate conversation, more lies, and trying to keep a distance.
Strange as it may seem, I enjoyed it.
Your name popping up on my screen.
The calls.
The bantering.
But, all good things must come to an end, just as the day does.
A ghost of a kiss I send to you tonight and an apology for the morning.
For this will confuse you some more.

The day is over. You can be at peace.
Play your video games, listen to your songs, watch your shows and just relax.
The plans you have will be in your dreams and your dreams will become your reality. Keep dreaming Mi Corazón.
You will know when it’s time to rest. Until then be at peace.

Now though it’s time too sleep. Close my eyes and put my head on my pillow.
Letting my mind clear of all things coming and going.

I inhale.
I cannot hope and I cannot let you get to me again.
I exhale.
Inhale.
I need to hurt myself to be okay.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Everything has a path it leads to.
Exhale.
Inhale.
I love you.
Exhale.

Goodnight my Sun and Stars. May you forever stay bright. May the force be with you. I hope your journey goes well. God speed.

So many things I want,
Being happy,
Being happy with someone I love.
Also,
Being happy with me.
I know what must be done,
Although I am not quiet ready for it,
I have to.
Anxiety ridden and masking,
I wish to be free,
But that all has to start with me.

I’m not scared you’ll leave.
I’m not trembling at the thought of you not being around.
I don’t fear the anxiety that comes with you being gone.

You’re quicker now.
Noticing more.
But also noticing less.
I see where I do stand.

I’m understanding now and I realize now,
This isn’t for us.
Love isn’t enough.
That was taken two years ago,
My belief for love.

I’m sorry, but you have to let me go.
Just let me go,
please.

I’m going to end up killing myself today.
Just for the soul factor of myself being tired.
Exhausted,
Low of any motivation.
I’m tired.
Tired of being strong,
Tired of acting,
Tired of being tired.
No matter what I do,
I am still tired.

Goodbyes have never been easy.
They are hard and hurtful.
The truth of reality.
Our bond was beautifully dangerous,
A fiery inferno lost in love.
Hoping for the best during the worst.
That is all gone and for this I’m glad,
We can both be true to our own.
Finally walking in our pace.

To think,
We meet people,
Only for them to leave.

A clouded mind,
Relentless thoughts and terrors.
Divided by what should be and what could be.
It was then I realized.


Im still lost.

A regañadientes terco,

Vienes como un huracán,

Una pequeña apertura de pureza y serenidad.

Nunca seremos compatibles,

Ya no seré tu amigo,

Así que me siento en tus sombras viéndote crecer.

Un día verás lo que yo veo,

Cree lo que sé,

Todos lo vemos.

Lo percibirás como lo harás,

No hay angustia hacia ti,

Nunca lo será.

One day it’ll be different.
One day I’ll stop pushing people away.
It won’t come soon, as hard as I try.

Stuck and lost.
Same routine.
A **** starter.

It’s those days when you wake without notice,
Sweat dripping down the side of your face.
Sitting up and looking around,
You’re heart is racing and pounding against the rib cage.
A hand on your shoulder,
A soft whisper from behind.
But your back is against the wall.

One day your in love,
The next you’re trying to be okay,
Sometimes you have your bestfriend,
Other times you’re looking for them.
Reluctantly we all make our choices,
Our free will navigating our lives,
Thoughts processed for what will not ever be.
Guilt colliding with memories,
Losing what was had.
Forever in pain.

Here you stand.
With the grace of the devil,
You put your arms around.
Peace yet vulnerability,
Wrapping your hands around my heart.
You keep me sane yet insane,
I cry and you come to my aid.
Truly mesmerized by your darkness,
Exploding into a tremendous universe.
Just for two.

Of course I believed you,
Listened to your stories,
Your lies.
Yet there you stand mighty and high,
Manipulating those around.
Another relationship ruined,
Jealousy and animosity,
Then the rumors.
So again I will sit here,
While you spin your lies,
And be the black widow in your eyes.

It’s what I deserve.
The hurt, false words,
Every word.
Thus my punishment,
My karma.
Forever lost now that I did what I did,
Missing and wishing.
Yet I am the burden,
No matter what I do and try.
I am the wrong.
Always.

Falling in love,
In two words?
It hurts.

I’m soaring through the clouds,
A cloud nine high.
Home.
It’s a glorious feeling,
It’s going to be okay and I can stop bleeding.

That is until..
I start again.
The thoughts,
Negative phrases and screaming sentences.
Pushing out these voices out and without notice,
I’ve pushed you out too.