Loud music bursting through my ears,
Our body’s in sync to the rhythm.
Kisses being shared with sweat and fatigue,
Lazy, crazy smiles worn on our faces.
Three words form in mind,
Special words.
To say them or not,
Will this back fire?
The music gets louder,
Your hands are raised higher the more you jump.
I stare in awe at your glow,
So vibrant and pure.
“I love you!” Is what I scream,
You stopped dead in tracks.
Pulled me close and kissed me,
With a passion so intense.
You’re face in that moment was blissful,
“I love you too babygirl.”

Dirt and grim cover my arms.
My hair filled with natural oils from my sweat.
Eyes have dark circles on their own accord.
Constant screaming echos in my mind.

Tears soil my pillow from the memories gone.
Constant writing of “why?”
Wishing for an answer but knowing I can’t get one.

Who knew one person could **** up your whole mental.
Thinking they could actually be there.
Never once thinking of any kind of betrayal.
Sike.

Music transports me to a different memory.
Stuck in the moment as the song plays.
Blissful moments now gone.
To the many more final goodbyes..

It was waking up to you and feeling peace,
That’s when I knew you were mine.
It was taking me home to make me dinner,
That’s when I knew you were mine.
It’s caring for you and your care to me,
That’s when I knew you were mine.
It was telling me you love me after hearing my life,
That’s when I knew you were mine.

Understand
I could plainly tell you what I’m saying.
I’m screaming in my head for you to know what I’m saying, yet it’s never enough.
My words could be a simple as learning how to write. Voicing your thoughts onto paper and making them into words.
I could be in my bed crying myself to sleep and only to wake up with our call dropped.
I’m still hurting and I’m tired, you don’t make it easier for me; even though you couldn’t since you are you.
It’s all a ******* lie, no matter how hard I am trying, no matter what I do. It wouldn’t be enough. Ever.

Fight or flight.
Well with what’s happening.

I choose flight.

You’re going to linger in the back of my mind.
How could you not?
I loved you.

Now that we are going our separate ways
I can’t help but be happy and proud of you.
You’re going places and I’m working on my ****.

You have the love of your life and I have mine,
In my memories and heart.
Yours so close and near to hold.
Truly glad we are getting it where it needs.

No more calls and texts from you,
I hope.
No more nicknames,
Even though they were cute.
No more saying I love you,
Because we don’t need too.
Not anymore

She lays in bed.
A flow of tears cascade down her face.
Screaming into the pillow,
She wishes to say those three words.
Words that hold so much to them,
Mean so much.
A deep inhale and a wipe of her eyes,
Into the darkness she sees a figure,
The one she wishes to see.
She whispers,
I love you.

I think of you from time to time.
It’s ineluctable.
It’s a shame.

I finally did it. I deleted those pictures.
Everything about you is gone.
I’m glad, took longer than expected
But it’s done.

I finally sleep through the night.
Not feeling what I felt thanks to your lies.
Actually moving on.

So why try to message me.
That I will never understand

Here we go again,
The spiral down and this time,
This time it’ll hurt.
Stuck in the same spot,
Neither wanting to move,
So we stay.
It’s okay,
It’s alright,
We got this,
All sweet nothing of lies.
Now you don’t get to have me,
You’ll see me smile brighter,
Laugh louder,
Conversation will go about.
In this life,
I won’t sit back and hurt,
Cry when I can’t,
Scream when frustrated,
I’ll survive.
I always do.

•
I shall sit,
Let you continue on,
I’ll remain deep inside.
I shall watch you fall,
Falling off the mountains of lies,
To which makes you feel better for yourself.
The rising moon is soon,
Bubble and fester Into black nothingness,
Be what is meant.
•

Oh you’re back.
How was the trip?
Wait you need to do what?
You can’t right now though..
Really?.. that bad.
Well then.. okay. Guess it’s your turn.

Hi nice to meet you, we’ll get to names later.
She almost did it.
God you should’ve seen it.
But that’s done and over with.
No more you after all.
I’ve held her ground. I picked up the pieces. I saw her sink.
But I’ve seen her pick herself up. I watched her clean her mess. I saw her rise.
She thinks she needs someone and she truly doesn’t.
That’s why she has me.
Oh and I’m not good with names.. see ya.

I’d rather be us,
Than what I’ve already been.

Blissful songs,
Sang quietly in my ear as I fall asleep.
Your hand rubbing my arm up and down,
The other rubbing my back.
Truly spoiled in your love,
For your love needs not one comparison.
It’s true,
It’s wild,
And it’s all mine.
No one else to call you theirs,
You are just mine.
All mine my love.

I’m not scared you’ll leave.
I’m not trembling at the thought of you not being around.
I don’t fear the anxiety that comes with you being gone.

You’re quicker now.
Noticing more.
But also noticing less.
I see where I do stand.

I’m understanding now and I realize now,
This isn’t for us.
Love isn’t enough.
That was taken two years ago,
My belief for love.

I’m sorry, but you have to let me go.
Just let me go,
please.

“I don’t get why you’re still in bed.”
“You need to go outside.”
You need to do this
You need to do that
You need...

What I need is the thoughts of negative thoughts to leave me head.
Then I could leave my bed.
The struggle to force myself out of bed only to do nothing in the process.
My drive and will and are slowly decreasing,
It’s almost nonexistent.
I feel still and emotionally gone.
Nothing I do is making me feel better

I don’t NOT love you,
I just choose to separate myself from,
Who you are becoming with me.

Our emotions run a list in our mind,
And now we are blind.
Lost in a euphoria that isn’t what it is.
Creating a picture to hold us back.

No more i say.
It is time to fight those demons,
Take back our hopes and dreams.

We aren’t what our thoughts are,
We can be more than where we are now.
we are better than this.

My walls are building,
My esteem weak with need.
Hurt and devastated,
I saw differently.
Sure as to what was told,
Another was seen.
Two minds of one body.
As that said,
We were to be corrupt.
Twisted in a euphoric thoughts of love,
Thoughts that we’d be okay.
Yet it wasn’t enough.

Oh how this could go.
One way it ends in your favor.
The other in bane.

Nervousness and thrilled.
Butterflies erupt in a way that haven’t before.
I’ve seen you thousands of times,
Heard your words.

So why does this feel different?
I do not know,
But life is a risk.
I suppose I’ll take another one on.

So many things I want,
Being happy,
Being happy with someone I love.
Also,
Being happy with me.
I know what must be done,
Although I am not quiet ready for it,
I have to.
Anxiety ridden and masking,
I wish to be free,
But that all has to start with me.

Tragic
Suspenseful
Lost

We wandered around,
Zia at our heals trying to keep up.
That’s when we saw it.
Floating effortlessly in the air,
A mass of beautiful colors.
Only three.

We walked towards the swarm of reds, yellows, and orange colors and they moved,
Flying around us to create our own bubble.
So unbelievable,
I couldn’t believe it had I not seen it.
Zia snapping at air to collect them in her mouth.

You pulled me into a side hug and held me there,
Taking in the beauty I saw as well.
“This is awesome. Now I get why you always come out here. Always something new to find.”
Those words full of sincerity,
And I look at you in awe.
“Who knew Scrub, ladybugs.”

We never found this place,
But it is my favorite place to meet you in.
Only in my dreams,
Where our laughter will echo in forever.

My emotions. To you are simple,
Don’t get to attached.
Keep it short.
Always look away.
Yet I’m still writing to you,
So amazed at your thought process.
You guys are alive,
You are alive

To give in
Or to not.
I’m confused, my heart wants you.
My mind refuses to let myself give in.

So many things happened,
How am I suppose to let it all slide?
Is Love worth it?

I hate this feeling.
I wish I knew what I wanted.
I wish I could want you as badly as you want me.

I was burned to ash only to rise.
Thoughts of the wise,
Love of the highs,
And lost of all of the goodbyes.  

You broke me down.
Not knowing you made the final blow.  
Leaving me on the floor.
Cold and alone.

I’ve cried until it was nothing,
Because I knew you were only bluffing.
My anger rises and I am hungry.
Fueled by angst and negativity.

No longer will I play nice,
After all it was you who turned me towards the next vice.
I know I’ll be fetched for a hefty price.

A regañadientes terco,

Vienes como un huracán,

Una pequeña apertura de pureza y serenidad.

Nunca seremos compatibles,

Ya no seré tu amigo,

Así que me siento en tus sombras viéndote crecer.

Un día verás lo que yo veo,

Cree lo que sé,

Todos lo vemos.

Lo percibirás como lo harás,

No hay angustia hacia ti,

Nunca lo será.

Longing for a home.
Trapped in desire.
Is this what I wished?

You were on one knee again.
I was about to say yes.
“Nunez!”

My eyes shoot open and I’m in my red jumpsuit.
I turn to look at the guard, he brought me the book I wanted.
Two nights ago that is.

The girls in my pod were joyous and full of life.
I just smiled when needed and tucked the book under my mat.
Then climbed in my cocoon to fall asleep again till court.

It was four o’clock when I read what happened.
Stabbing you and breaking your phone was the only intentions I had apparently.
Your real name pops up throughout the reading and I’m filled with rage, hurt and vengeance.

Instead I cry.
Screaming inside hoping someone notices.
My heart burned and crumbled.
All because I wanted you to leave and you couldn’t, wouldn’t.

I’m stuck with felonies to fight while you get to run around free.
I hope you never see me again and I to you.
Everyone was right.

I shouldn’t have went back.

One day your in love,
The next you’re trying to be okay,
Sometimes you have your bestfriend,
Other times you’re looking for them.
Reluctantly we all make our choices,
Our free will navigating our lives,
Thoughts processed for what will not ever be.
Guilt colliding with memories,
Losing what was had.
Forever in pain.

I’m soaring through the clouds,
A cloud nine high.
Home.
It’s a glorious feeling,
It’s going to be okay and I can stop bleeding.

That is until..
I start again.
The thoughts,
Negative phrases and screaming sentences.
Pushing out these voices out and without notice,
I’ve pushed you out too.

I wasted your time.
I knew this was a bad idea.
Thinking anything would be different.  

I’m still trash and honestly,
Im so sorry for wasting your efforts.
You shouldn’t have to work this hard.

It’s suppose to be easy if two people love each other.
So why do I make it so hard..

I’m broken
I’m in the wrong
Yet I’m the best thing
Till I’m not
Till you leave me alone,
By myself in a dark ball.
Screaming and kkicking for you to save me.
You don’t have to save me now.
You got what you wanted and I.
I’ll be another trainer for the perfect man.

I do things with him I didn’t with you.
My communication is worth more than my screams.
You held me back and held you.
We thought it was love,
When in fact,
It ‘twas an idea.

It’s what I deserve.
The hurt, false words,
Every word.
Thus my punishment,
My karma.
Forever lost now that I did what I did,
Missing and wishing.
Yet I am the burden,
No matter what I do and try.
I am the wrong.
Always.

You’re seeing red,
Bloodlust for hatred.
Absorbed in your own pain that you don’t see it.

Everyone around you is leaving,
And which they should.
They don’t need someone to be heaving around.

Stuck in your past rather than looking forward.
Yet the past has grown us to this.
Nothing good ever stays.

I’ll let you think what you want.
Instead of asking a question,
You’d rather assume.
That’s the best part

A clouded mind,
Relentless thoughts and terrors.
Divided by what should be and what could be.
It was then I realized.


Im still lost.

To think,
We meet people,
Only for them to leave.

I just think,
What if I’m not as strong as everyone thinks?
What if I’m never ready?
I just think,
What if I was never suppose to be anything but a lesson.

Goodnight my love, it is time to lay our bodies to rest.
I stare at the wall, every way I sleep, there’s a wall. And as I stare into this wall I think of the day that has gone to past.
You of course.
Unfortunate conversation, more lies, and trying to keep a distance.
Strange as it may seem, I enjoyed it.
Your name popping up on my screen.
The calls.
The bantering.
But, all good things must come to an end, just as the day does.
A ghost of a kiss I send to you tonight and an apology for the morning.
For this will confuse you some more.

The day is over. You can be at peace.
Play your video games, listen to your songs, watch your shows and just relax.
The plans you have will be in your dreams and your dreams will become your reality. Keep dreaming Mi Corazón.
You will know when it’s time to rest. Until then be at peace.

Now though it’s time too sleep. Close my eyes and put my head on my pillow.
Letting my mind clear of all things coming and going.

I inhale.
I cannot hope and I cannot let you get to me again.
I exhale.
Inhale.
I need to hurt myself to be okay.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Everything has a path it leads to.
Exhale.
Inhale.
I love you.
Exhale.

Goodnight my Sun and Stars. May you forever stay bright. May the force be with you. I hope your journey goes well. God speed.

One day it’ll be different.
One day I’ll stop pushing people away.
It won’t come soon, as hard as I try.

Stuck and lost.
Same routine.
A **** starter.

Of course I believed you,
Listened to your stories,
Your lies.
Yet there you stand mighty and high,
Manipulating those around.
Another relationship ruined,
Jealousy and animosity,
Then the rumors.
So again I will sit here,
While you spin your lies,
And be the black widow in your eyes.

Goodbyes have never been easy.
They are hard and hurtful.
The truth of reality.
Our bond was beautifully dangerous,
A fiery inferno lost in love.
Hoping for the best during the worst.
That is all gone and for this I’m glad,
We can both be true to our own.
Finally walking in our pace.

Falling in love,
In two words?
It hurts.

I finally did it,
I found the one who doesn’t see just pain.
One who doesn’t see broken,
To build me up and guide me.
To take me to my love,
Smoking with a gravestone to ease my hurt.
Not once have you broke me,
While I was broken.
Comfort and cuddles,
Your scent to easy my pain.
Waking me from nightmares,
Terrible nightmares that’ll haunt my days.
Yet you my ball of sunshine,
You see it go by like a cloud.
Loving me endlessly,
Countless of times you’ve saved me.
I’m proud to have this ring on my finger,
Saying yes was my greatest moment.
Being your fiancé,
Your wife.
Till the end my husband