Some days there is an ache
That ripples through my soul like an echo in an empty cave.
Where it started, I'll never know
But it seems endless on my empty days.

Sometimes
I get this feeling where eyes have come to focus on me, they keep popping up in the dark like the cartoons on TV.
Then the questions begin.
"What are you doing?"
"What are your goals?"
"What is your purpose?"

The list goes on and on
Repeating in my head.

And all I do is shut down
From fake expectations
I made up in my mind.

I just wish I knew why.

The damage was inside her,
Like the blood coursing in her veins.

Invisible cracks running under her porcelain skin.
Scars from the erosion of constant
Toxicity.

There's nothing more I wish to do
Than to fill in the cracks.

Sand and polish her
Back to prestine condition.

The way she was before the world
Wore her down.

I saw weeds peaking through cement cracks, and I thought,

"Thank god humans could never bury you, Mother Earth,
Even if we tried."

I gazed along the leaves and long vines stretching out for sun,
And my eyes landed on a small, pretty, yellow flower growing too.

I looked to the sun and smiled and back at the flower and saw
A fly had landed there, washing his paws.

And then I wondered if flies ever wish they were bees
and instead of living in ****, wish they made honey.

You can be the fire
And I can be the air.
Fueling flames and going higher.

We can twist and dance,
Spin and twirl.
Essence of Earth,
Hidden, buried pearl.

I can be your tornado
And you can be my inferno.
"Natural disasters"
Booming thunder
But also, a worldly wonder.

I'm the type of person
That if you never declare your love for me
The way the sun shines it's love on the flowers
Then you will never know what it's like to smell the roses
And I will never be able to tell you
How desperately in need I am for water.

I scream inside a body

That feels it is not mine.

I scream in soul.

I scream in mind.

I beg and weep for suffering to end.

For clarity to strike me.

I feel I am on a strange planet I do not yet recognize,

in a foreign land,

in a struggling body.

End it.

Please, if you must,

End it ALL.

It's weird. . .

The way humans shame those who can and do feel more deeply than them,

For having a more intensely experienced reality,

Just because they can't see it, hear it, feel it, then it must be

That we are just over-dramatic, that we are "making it up" . . .

Right?

But really, who's fault is it that you're still dead inside?

I am not here for your sunshine,
I am here for your storm and waiting on the rain.

I am not here to coddle you
Without at least touching the pain.

It's easy to love a happy, easy going, sunny morning,
But it takes guts to smile through someone's rage.

I will not tolerate dragging weight.
I will break your ******* cage.
The ankle on the chains.

How much longer will we hear the thunder
Before you finally just let it rain?

Rain on me and bring sweet inner alchemy.

Rain, rain, rain,

And be free.

My thoughts inflate into daydreams
The way air does to balloons.

Like a balloon seller,
I've got my vast collection, except
At times I blow up more balloons than I know what to do with.

There is so many they start to lift off
Without me.
I rush to grab on, only to find myself
going higher and higher.

This is often where I end up.
Up in the clouds,
Barely holding on
To the multiple strings
Attached to multiple daydreams.

Why am I always waiting for a hand
But one that reaches for more than this body.
One that reaches for my soul and one that wants to touch parts of me no one else has felt beyond this common skin.
Reach into my dreams and heart and mind,
Find me in the murky lost abyss that is
This wandering being.

You always pointed out what I was not, instead of what I was.

Over-exaggerating what was bad, but never breathing a word of the good.

Focusing on all that I lack, with a mouth full of "Should's."

You never loved me, you loved the thought of what you could make me.

I am not clay for molding your vision of a masterpiece to make
me easier to look at, and lay claim to, boasting about saying,
"Look at what we've made."

I was already the Mona Lisa but all that could come out of your mouth was,

"Why oh why doesn't she smile?"

I have clung to every word and story they have given me
Feeling the way they soak so far through my skin
It seeps and sits in my heart.

Sadly, you can not hold me like I have held you.

I am a cactus sitting alone in the dry desert night.

Why am I considered strange for holding out my heart,
Bare,
In the world for all to see?

It's sad isn't it?
When blatant love for humanity
Is weird because you're
"Strangers."

I am no stranger
To love and kindness.
And if it was supposed to only be handed to those who have more time
Under thier belt,
Then I guess my clock is broken.

It could be 1 second
Or 1 year,
But I'll hold you if you feel alone
And I'll talk and listen if you
Need an ear.

My heart is naked out here
And filled with endless care.

I'm not afraid, nor will I ever be afraid,
To bleed for someone.

He is a sunken chest at the bottom of the ocean.
Rusted rough on the outside.
Swim to find him, hold your breath.
Open him up and you'll find nothing other than perfect,
solid gold.

I feel ******' restless.
There is too much noise in my head as my thoughts rush by like cars on a freeway.
I can't make them stop going 90 miles an hour
And I can feel the anxiety rising with the speedometer.
I'm running out of gas but I just keep going
Faster..
             Faster..
                          Faster.

The car in autodrive,
I'm just waiting for the crash.

So many times would I rather just be a broken toy.

Let my parts disassemble and fall apart.

A broken recording replaying the same thing again and again

Missing paint and chipped edges.

My wind up doesn't work anymore.

I
am
exhausted.

Let me lay on the floor in a jumbled mess

Without someone trying to put me back together.

Please I beg of you

That no matter how hard it gets

Or how misunderstood your heart becomes,

Do not let this chaotic world turn
You cold.
Please don't allow yourself to become as hard as ice.

Let yourself forgive and forgive and forgive.

Don't fight love,
Let it in.
Keep your fire.

Holding back just slowly makes you like the rest of them.


What kind of world would we live in
If we didn't have people strong enough to show people
That love and only love
Is what keeps the rest of this freezing world, warm?

I shout at the stars in the night,
I shout in my mind, and
I think my heart even screams sometimes
For any kind of life
To hear my cries for help.

My throat becomes so burnt
That no sound comes out.

My lungs on fire,
Begging for more oxygen to fuel them.

Yet, there is no one.

I wonder,
Is it because we all are walking through the flames?
Stuck in our own pain
That any other's fire
Just isn't dire,
Because you all are still trying
To figure out how to extinguish
yours..

I think your name has always been etched into my ribs
To mark the property it holds...

My heart.

I'll never be able to explain
How much of a blindfold
Rose colored glasses are

And the pain it causes,
Like duct tape melted on my skin,
As I slowly peel them off.

It's hard for me to say,
That in all my burning anger
That I still wish you
Could do better.

At the same time
My human heart
Wants you to destroy yourself
As I watch and
Smile.

I'm scared to transform myself into a butterfly,
Not because I'll be different
Or that's it's too hard to try,
But rather
I'm worried you'll still be a caterpillar
And I'll be able to fly.

My passion slept, comfy under heavy covers.
Hiding from responsibility and fear of failure
But something has dragged it out,
opened the blinds to shine in the light.

Now it's ready to move and stretch its wings.
It's sat in my chest for so long
and now that it's ready to fly,
It aches so badly.

My chest is on fire and I wonder
What magnificent phoenix will rise in these flames?
Ash strokes across my feathers,
Turning to black dust in the wind
As I flap my wings and fly into the sun.

I'll be a blazing red
with a splash of orange and a pinch of yellow tint.
Fire flicked across my soft quills
and I am ready to soar.

We watch movies and repeatedly listen to songs
Drawling on and on about the perfect, most passionate love.
Soulmates;
But if I loved the way I want,
The way they do in the movies,
Boom box outside your window,
Traveling across the world at the drop of a hat,
Grabbing your hand and dragging you out at night and early morning to watch stars and sunrises,
The grand gestures.
People would look at me like I was crazy.
It would get old;
To have someone who's eyes have glassed over with a rose colored shade.

You wouldn't live me.
You wouldn't experience me.

No.

You'd rather sit on your *** and watch me, portayed in bits and pieces,
On your TV screen.

When you finally get to close your eyes
And turn off your mind.

Hitting reset
For the next sunrise,
Except some of us stay up
All through the night.

Watching the sun come again like we did the day before.
Not getting that refreshed start.
Instead sitting alone in the dark,
Begging in our hearts
For just a few ******* hours.
Eventually pleading for a few minutes
To just shut off our thoughts.

Slowly I count the days,
Scratching the marks on the walls of my brain.
My demons end up coming into play and I just want an escape.

The days slowly repeat and all I want is some sleep
But I'm cursed at the moment,
Stuck in the torment of
A well performing zombie act,
A temporary insomniac.

She is a wilting flower
                  And I am the sunshine begging her
                                                                ­     Just to stay alive.

                                                         ­            She says she's a dying ****
                  And no amount of water or love
Could ever save her.

For once I did not secretely crave his rescue.
I did not want to be scooped up
And have my pain smoothed over
By kisses.

I wanted to sit alone
Hold my pain in tightened fists
and stare at the wall.

As if I was looking for an answer to my misery.
Staring for another world to hide in but all I saw was a blank slate
And when I pressed my forehead
To the cold paint,
I did not hear an echo
Or a whisper to help solve my problem.

All that there was in this room
Was empty

Including me.