I'm in love with you

and everything about you

and every atom and molecule that you're made up of

and every sound that has ever slipped past your perfect lips

and every breath of air that has ever escaped your lungs

and every muscle that has ever made your amazing smile

and every particle of your eyes that has ever made them shine.

I'm in love with you.

Hello.
My name is Carly Bunch.
I am from learning.
I'm representing my own thoughts and emotions.
My classes are long uninteresting scripts made of boring nothingness repeated class after class until the last day when you're as free as the bus that drives you to school.

My name is Carly Bunch.
I am from my mind.
I'm representing my words that I speak and my feelings I feel that are not able to be broken by fractures of words that make no sense thrown at me.

My name is Carly Bunch.
I am from my bedroom.
I'm representing the thoughts of dying in my sleep from lack of blood flow through my body and dying from the same heart attack that killed my dad in his sleep a year ago.

My name is Carly Bunch.
I am from kissing the soft lips of my true love.
I'm representing my freedom to love who I want to love and not caring about who knows about it.

I am from so many things yet they tell you nothing about me.

I am from screaming and clawing my way out of my problems with no control over anything.

I am from sleeping with a stuffed bear that makes me miss the person I love more than ever.

I am from sitting on the couch that my own dad died on and acting like it doesn't faze me.

I am from the smell of alcohol fogging up the memories of my childhood and the pain of hard carpeted steps rubbing my back raw from a tragic escape.

I am from feeling like exposed nails are scraping my face off but in reality I'm just waking up.

I am from hatred being tossed around like it's the cure for all of my mistakes.

I am from letting everything out into one poem with the same cage the elephant song blaring in the background about how complicated your world can be yet you still find a way to express your true identity.

I am from spilling everything to a person that I don't even know.

I still don't believe the fact that you're gone.
I don't want to know that everyday that I wake up is another day without you.
That every time the moon rises and the sun sets you're not able to sit there with me and enjoy it.
That when it rains you're not there to play in it with me.
That when I hear yelling I don't have you to go to for comfort.
That when i am upset I don't have your shoulder to cry on.

I see those pictures of us and of you and of other people all smiling and happy and I can't help to be upset because I think of a time that was but never will be again.
I see the happiness in your eyes, I see the sun shining and there were no cloudy days.
I see everything being okay and it seems that was the only perfect time in this life and every other life, was when you were here.
Everybody was okay, even the people that didn't know you seemed to grow sadder and sadder once you were gone.
Nothing is the same anymore and nobody seems to understand why.
Death is a natural thing but it doesn't seem so natural when it comes to it happening to you.
You weren't supposed to go.
You were immortal.
You were a superhero, my superhero.
You saved me from the bad guys, the bad boyfriends, girlfriends, best friends.
From everybody.
But now you're gone, and I'm vulnerable.

I just want you back in this world, and not far away watching from above the clouds.
I want to know that no matter what happens to me I'll be okay because you're right by my side.
I need to feel your embrace again.
I want to go to the grocery store with you again.
I want to go camping and hiking and fishing and do all those things we used to do.

I want to know you're okay.
But I will never know that.
I need to be okay.
But I never will be.

dear father,

why.
why why.
why why why.

why did you have to leave me

so unexpectedly.

leave me in this world to be on my own.

with no one to go to.

why, father why.

how am i suppose to know

what to do.

a year has gone by

and im still wondering.

did you want to leave.

was i too much of a burden for you.

if so please tell me somehow.

but father,

why why why
why why
why

sometimes I wish I could go back to the day I saw your lifeless body laying in that casket.
because I'd rather feel that pain than nothing at all.

i still remember the look in his eyes.
The way he looked at my body.
As if i was a piece of meat.
A piece of candy on Halloween.
Like what i wanted didnt matter.

I could tell he couldnt wait to do what he pleased.
Because he knew i wouldnt be able to do anything.
Even though i said no he still pulled me into his grasp.
i was scared
but he didnt care.

he went in as hard as he could no matter how much i pleaded.
his eyes looked hungry

im still scared to this day to see that look in someones eyes.
it gives me nightmares and makes me want to cry
i never want to see those eyes again.

once your heart tells you to do one thing and your mind tells you another, you go with what they say.
when your fingers interlock with someone else's that aren't who they're supposed to be you cringe at the thought of your feet touching at night.
once you start to believe what other people say is true, you start to disbelieve in what your teachers tell you.
contradictions make the curiosity even more unbearable, yet we still wonder around like its our job to get lost in the dark, never ending abyss of our mind and we wonder how it was even possible that we sunk so low in our self esteem where we cant get back up
and the lines that make up the picture of your sadness are carved into your skin, differing you from one another to the next and so on,
until you cant find yourself in you anymore and you go to someone else hoping to see some of yourself in their broken eyes
but you cant.
yet you still search on and on until you find one thread of yourself somewhere else and you keep pulling that until it runs out and you run out, but then what?
do you keep running or do you keep your mind set to never getting that feeling back in your gut like you got when you held that right persons hand, and when your feet touched at night.

Lets go outside and cry in the rain.
You can watch my tears wash away.
See my pain flow down stream and disappear.
Just to be replaced by the love we deserve.
Always, forever and now until time runs out,
Because I can love you more than rain can tell.
No matter what.

I just want to sleep
close my eyes
relax
then wake up in the sweat
of my dreams
from the murderer
swinging the axe across
my arm and amputating
the only leverage I had

it's been 6 months since you've been gone.
that's half a year.
half a life.
half my life.
half your life.
6 months of pain.
of wanting to cry.
to hurt.
to be gone.

it's been 2 months since you've gotten here.
2 more months since hes been gone.
2 months of my life.
of your life.
of his life.
2 months of happiness.
of no tears.
no hurt.

I still feel the pain
but with your 2 months
his 6 months
and those infinities
I think I can survive.

sometimes i forget
what its like
to not be in love

but then i remember
the pain
and the suffering
before it all

this is my savior
my one and only
my need

you are everything
anything
*you are it

they love her
they love her not
they love her
they love her not
does she have the right reasons to love such a love once loved by another
or does she have the thought of worthlessness on the tip of her mind.
should she jump for joy when she accepts the love being given
or should she wither away and hide in the darkness of her heart
should she believe such a lie as to be ones love
or should she fall for the truth behind the ultimate feelings
should she be scared to believe what he says is true
or should she follow her brain and not her heart and save the hurt waiting ahead
in the end she has always loved him but he has been blinded by society telling him she's not ideal
she's not the one
before the love can be loved and accepted by the other
it's already torn from the ones heart and given to another
one that's picture perfect
one that's acceptable by the eyes of the people
one that's not judged
by the personality
or the mass
or the pain
or the beauty
but by stereotypes created by the programmed robots controlling the minds of the ones that believe they are independent.
they are blinded by fake love
fake laughs
fake beliefs
fake feelings
they believe they are falling for one but in reality are falling for the other.
they want to fit in so bad they tell theirselves it's all in their head.
it's just a faze.
it will pass.
they will lie to theirselves and make theirselves believe that what they're feeling isn't real.
they will hurt the one true love they've ever had, just to be right in the eyes of others.
but what happens when the stereotypes start to change.
will they change their perspective on that person or change their perspective of theirselves.
will they start to believe they aren't good enough for someone.
that they won't ever be loved.
that they will always be alone.
will they be the one forgotten by everyone.
will they feel worthless and ugly and feel the only one who cares is the one they go home and say goodnight to?
will they turn into her.
will they finally feel the pain she's been living.
who knows.
because society will always judge you.
on looks
weight
personality.
it's like a never ending war between being perfect or not enough.
you can never win.
so in the end it was decided that they love her not and they never will.