The constant feeling of drowning
suffocation.
No regeneration, and no hope.
Waving goodbye to dreams and prospering amenities.
Nothing can hurt you anymore,
you've felt it all before.
Nothing in this ******* world gives you chills
upsets you, or scares you
the way it did the first time
your problems bluntly ripped off your skin,
exposed your skeleton and poisoned
your organs,
exposing the hurt you
expressed in the little journal that fit in your pillowcase.
You no longer have fear that tomorrow you wont wake-
it's become more of a dream than anything.
Wishing that you wake up with your loved one
by your side
but wondering who would care
so much as to comfort you... scarcity?
Addicted to the brain washing pills,
or the hurt one inflicts on you.
You feel good about your poor decisions,
and with no direction, take the path to hell.
but that's normal, that's all you know.
and its not your fault,
though fully aware of your mistakes.
Twisted destinies among the greatest of people,
who knows where we'll end up.

discovering yourself is deadly
everything you once thought
you knew about yourself
vanishes and your mindsets
become nothing but mere
superstitions
of the person you thought you were

as she sat out in the garden, all became clear to her.
her dreams faded as far as the galaxies in his eyes.
wherever he was, rested her heart.
she thought everything she gave was enough,
but she did not realize her intentions were wrong.
she did not realize that her actions would make her lose him.
she sat out under the tree that they planted.
how tall, how strong it grew.
but it was no longer theirs.
there was no longer a meaning behind all they projected to each other.
desperation and realization sink into her skin
as she notices that she is nothing without him.
something she'll have to live with forever.
knowing she let herself get out of hand.
and now he is eternally gone from her life,
while he rests distinctly in her soul.

my whole body
it holds secrets
from head to toe
each scar
each imperfection
holds a different story
and my heart contains
every being
and every hurt ive ever felt
my head pounds
and reminds me
that ive been torn
and ive lived a thousand lies.
everything around me
reminds me that I am only
a person
not a superhero
but that wont stop me
from trying to take on the world
with no regrets or restrictions.
my will power
and the way I think
will lead me to destruction
and that will keep me
from living to my fullest extent
so give me a break
and give me some time
to regret my decisions
and learn from all ive done.

another pen runs out of ink,
your cup is empty.
and your eyes see a desert.
it's 5:33am and you're wide awake
but your body aches
and your chest is heavy
and yet again your find yourself
bombed, and hurt.
but no one hurt you.
your mind continues to linger in the past
haunting your every move.
it's screaming "you've ****** up"
and you know it speaks the truth.
because why else would you feel the way you do?
you turn on the radio, loud as it can go
to drown out  the mutters
of disappointment
but nothing helps
because you're internally
scratching and clawing at yourself.
"what can I do?" "make it stop"
no, there is nothing.
so you sit in your own dismay
and you wait for a distant change
that you may never see.

knowing that you
are put in a place
and given the world
without doing anything to deserve it
makes you realize
that you are worthless
and completely
and utterly
ignored.
knowing that no one
has given you a chance
to prove yourself
prove your worth.
you can tell
no one cares
no one wants to give you
the time of day
or a second to speak
and you feel
overwhelming regret
swoop above you
and grab you by the shoulders
take you to a place
where you can be happy
and alone.
and although you are alone
you are not
unwanted.

if one day my skin started to rot
i'd spend the last hours of my life here.


i'd pace back and forth in this familiar
scene with all my wrong-doings on repeat


i'd rewind and rewatch the times i replied
with words i didn't mean and throwing fists i couldn't clench.


I'd reload the entire decade i spent absent
and remind all my friends that i needed them here.


i'd throw myself deeper to stress the recoil
i subjected myself to
and rerun the episodes where i spun around in circles trying to grip the reins on my affliction.


i'll never be able to reconcile the seconds. the days. the years i spent crawling inside of my body looking for a warm place to nest.
in fact i think i'm still searching.


if my skin is starting to decay, the rest of my body will soon.
but i can't stop pacing and the tapes keep playing
for me to reminisce on my remorse.
and all i can think about is how badly i want a redo.

to think
that at one point I was perfect
for you.
that I actually made you happy.
but now all I ever hear
is how disappointed you are
and how much I messed up.
I try
everything in my power
to commend you and your feelings.
but now I feel like I have completely failed
both you and I.
so once again
ill apologize for my wrongs
and watch you walk away
just as easily as I watched myself
mess up once again.

last night
you came over to visit
and for the first time in a while
i could see that look
in your eyes.
that look that told me you were content
and in a good state of mind.
one that told me you were at peace with life
and the utmost in tune
with everything around you.
1:30 am
we laid down
legs and arms intertwined
heads on shoulders
and nothing but pure innocence
was the outcome of the night
no words
no laughing
no crying
no fighting
but blissfully silent slumber
rose from the night
and at that moment
we both were untouchable
and invincible to any harm.

tapered feelings taught you to be alone
what are you afraid of?
are you sheltered from all the reality of this world?
move closer to me, dear.
are you scared?

this is nothing you would have expected,
never a way to live.
you're living ultimately unprepared
for the destruction the world brings.

the pillow speaks back nothing to your screams.
your window remains open
while the wind drags your blood through the streets.
nothing will save you this time.
isn't that depressing?
you lose yourself in nightmares and tears,
but the nostalgia never leaves your mind.

How bad did he hurt you?
did he crush your withered soul?
was that the last thing you remember?
what memories did he leave you with?
but none of that matters anymore.
that's all over now,
because you're almost dead.
when life became a contradiction to you,
it was no longer who you were,
but what you lived for.
which was not much, love.
so lets not worry.
the end is near.
you've almost defeated the war.

I know that im in love
completely enticed
with the thought of you
and your smile
and your scent.
and the way
I feel when we entwine
and when our skin touches.
your hand gliding
up and down my arm
and the embrace of our lives
on eachother and our love
when we look in each other's eyes
and know that we were meant to be
here at the moment
because we were once perfect
beings to eachother
and although we are far from perfect
we are the only ones
who can do anything for eachother.
we know eachother
and we feel
the pain in one another
because our souls are connected.
we are in love
and there is nothing
that will ever depart me
from loving you

Don't you dare ever
tell me you'll always be here
when a million times before
you've left and left me dead
and alone and lost.
So don't you dare ever
think I won't know
when you're going to abandon me
or when I'll know when I have to be alone
because you drop our whole life
to continue sulking in your own.
No way in hell will I ever
believe that it would work
and you could mend my broken
because you're not whole
and your intentions are wrong.
Don't you dare.
Ever.
Think that you're not destroying me.

Mysterious covenants
withdrawn from society
and told not to speak of.
Hidden vouchers of happiness
and a life of wealth
buried among the most
ancient temples in the world.
Never to be spoken of
due to fear of realization
that this world is a mound of
disappointment and ridicule.
No one body be free
and no one soul live comfortably.
Wether in wealth, in mental health
or in streak of stealth.
In realizing all set up for failure
we try and we fall..
We give everything we contain
to fail and to die.

it's one thing
to be alone
and another to be lonely
when you're alone
there are feelings of
regret and sorrow
not knowing what it's like
to be completely comforted
completely loved.
not having a soul to caress you.
being entirely restricted.
when you're lonely
you have people there
and you have the love
but momentarily
you are alone
for a fact
I know that im entirely alone
and I feel that regret and sorrow
I am not loved
and I am not comforted
I am my own
I am alone

I remember when you told me
you'd always
be there and comfort me.
regardless of words
actions always spoke louder
and it was apparent
that your hormonal needs
were far more important
than my emotional needs.
do you realize that broke us?
everything that we stood for
diminished the moment you said
"I love you"
because naivety and suppleness
took over my body
like a demon
and told me to be sure of the words
we spoke to eachother.
little did we know, it broke us
and I'm glad.
because it was all a lie
and all you wanted was intimate "love"
that I refused to give you.

and even when she knew she had nothing
you still shone the brightest light
on all hope for happiness.
she knew she had you
which was the only stable thing in her life
and she took it and ran
because she knew how it would treat her.
forever grateful will she be
knowing you are there
and can nothing stand between
the gratuity and love she will pay to you
for your upmost warmth and loyalty.

struck with the immense fear
of losing every battered soul
that destructs my being
but loves me more than
any other heart is capable of.
nostalgia of greater times
and struggles of common disbelief
returning your amorphous mind
into an idyllic frame
and turning breaths into
a plethora of lullabies
discovering radiant but serene thoughts
within your once enchanted mind.

a million and one sleepless nights
for the one awake and dreaming about the darkness below.
their fingertips bleeding from tapping to the beat of their heart
and the crevices of their skin roughed into the minds
of the others who deem themselves broken.
mixing poison and the mind, and deprivation of second chances
the failure of us is no surprise to those who flourish
among the minds of the weak.
walking through the millionth haunted house we've seen,
but the demons all remain the same.
varied atmosphere guaranteed us absolutely nothing,
and we're still scared.

I let myself get into a mess
only to make you clean it up
and youre sick of it.
I let everything I love
turn to trash
only to pick it up and dust it off.
I let myself get stuck in lies
only to tell myself its everyone elses fault.
I let everyone around me walk all over me
only to see that I deserved it.
All in all
ive let myself down
and everyone else around me.

**c.e.

I am anything but disgusted with you.
The way you smiled
or the ridiculous squeak in your laugh.
I am anything but in awe the way you  loved me.
or the way you touched me
with such elegance.
I am anything but upset
with the way you made promises, with the way you broke them.

I know tendencies of humans,
and how it is not so easy to stick around with such an unloving soul.
it is treacherous to breathe the same air
of a person who is broken.
I could never have expected you to.
I could never ask such a thing.

I am not mad that you are gone,
I am mad that I let you stay and destroy the person I once was
for the person you thought I should be.

break down all the walls
that you've built
and give yourself a reason
to return to this world with a purpose.
you are nothing but a carcass
that has decomposed
into ashes of black mold.
you poison yourself into thinking
of spontaneous loving
and more so bright futures
where as proof shows none but
troubled breaths
and stutters in simple sentences.
if one thing has given no hope
it is your signage and composure.
none of your worth gives reason
to believe you are whole
and gives no life to your dead mind.
return yourself to where
your comfort lies
and leave us all with our intelligence.

I swear that I feel,
I swear that I hurt.
I swear that I can feel your blood roll through my heart.
I swear that gruesome thoughts raid my inner most fantasies,
my dark, dark thoughts haunt your fame.
I apologize, sincerely.
I have hurt you one too many times.
I have given you no reason to stay,
and still you run back.
How scary, how vile it is
to see how I've intentionally destroyed us all.
My fault, and no remorse be felt.
The fault in myself is one that can never be forgiven.

where your heart lies
is a selfish set of gray
and blue thoughts
within a sheltered façade from the outside world
and given none too many windows
of opportunity to prove itself.
what you breathe
is the fire
of a thousand lies
and a million tears from my body.
your meaning
will forever be a sorrowful
reflection of how you wanted to be
and nothing
in its entirety will ever be the same.

Stripped, and barefoot.
Intentional faults.
Intentional hurt.
The things I dream haunt me.
---
You will never prosper
Try to run, but I will see.
The impossible nature
of all the things I long for.
---
Distanced love,
I will wait for nothing.
Irrational thoughts I will never stop.
All the dangerous thoughts I will think.
---
But you will still dance on my skull.
You will still flow through my blood.
You will remind me of possibilities,
the ones I will never see.
You will scare me into my own skin.
You will be the one to burn me.
But you will be the one to care.
---
You will give all I need
you will be my entirety.
And through the drought
you will be my storm.
You will be the one to love me
when it becomes impossible to love myself.

It's so hard to continue living
when everything that surrounds you
is a negative implication of what you really are.
Being too ****** up in the head
and having too many internal problems
that you will never be able to fix
is the main factor that
entirely collapses peoples whole beings.
one thing after another
and eventually we'll be done
living for what
we will never understand.

maybe one day
when the sky is painted black
and the trees fall from the sky
so blissfully the leaves turn gold,
you'll come back, you'll make the decision to love me again.
maybe once
when your mind trickles into the depths of my heart,
when the waves and the air are crisp and cool,
you'll become enticed with the fire in my eyes and remember why we grew those fields in the first place
now, if I knew anything about how to live.
if I took my thoughts and emptied my mind,
I'd let each emotion fly off into infinity.
I'll see how dangerous I am, and how misguided you'll be.
for the rest of your life, without a love like mine.
I'll be the deprived one, and you'll be crazed by where you've taken place.
but that's just your decision.

portraits of your blackening soul dance around my mind like daisies whilst your heartbeat seems to disintegrate into nonetheless craters of hatred and disgust. Ashless remains of your once flourished mind rest in my hair as a reminder that you were once whole. as if you are of any worth to the drought that rests inside of me. you still contain all that I once dreamt of. but you will never amount to the expectations I have of the person you should be.

share your love with me
the same way your soul
shines amongst the crowd
and drowns my heart
in the abyss in your eyes.

feed your life to me
with a silver spoon
encrusted with all of the
sweet words that made me
fall in love with you.

trap all of my worries
with your blood stricken hands
that once burned the broken skin
on my body...
the skin that now glows
bright as the smile upon your face.

dream all the future
you'll live to see,
all the wonders and all the love
you will encounter
by the ones who deserve
to hold your heart.

expect all the love
and all the best
given to you.
given to the most beautiful
person to ever walk
on the face of this earth.

and now I see that you
waltzed into my life
and took every feeling that I had
and trashed it-
burned it into the ground
and left me with nothing but
sorrowful memories
of all the precious things
I used to love.

For as long as I can remember
I've been trapped within a world where my soul does not belong.
I've been seeing black and white amongst sceneries full of color
and I can't stand knowing I am not valuing anything
I am surrounded by.
Messages spit left and right telling me to open my eyes and see the light of day, but I'm not even sure I know what to look for.
And when did it become okay to not value your own life?
When did it become normal to feel like the weight of the world sits on your shoulders and your feet stand concrete in the ground with every inability to make any movement?
If I've ever been given any opportunity to make myself happy, I've lost the ability to stray from the path and experience the things that I once loved.
Now the absence of my healthy state of mind has taught me to be dependent on substances that make each day more and more bearable while I wither away into something I thought I'd want to be.
The days I've spent hoping for a change have made me realize nothing other than the fact that I have no place in this world amongst people who are thriving.
My hands will never be clean but I will still carry this burden and drag it through the hell I call my existence.

The miracles of your being rest light in my chest
I'm much further along now. I understand why.
The reasons of our departure are justified, and they need rest easy.
It no longer surprises me, and I am not hurt.
You. You and your elegance, the little bit you had.
Calling me back to bed while your lips pressed the words you never spoke.

You built me up. The words you spoke stuck strong, stuck hard.
I could easily lose my mind wondering everything you ever thought.
If your hands were to ever speak they'd tell me to leave.
Not a single bone in your body wanted my company.
Soon enough, you'd give up. Soon enough I'd be gone away.
Soon enough you'd see what you had done to make this fail.

Nothing is as it had been.
I miss your voice like hell.

Been thinking about what went wrong. How everything changed.
And though it makes sense, I don't know what to make of this.
There was no point to our love, we acted off of impulse.
And though it makes sense, I don't want to believe it.

My choices led us to where we are now.
I did what I could to keep myself happy.
I tried. I'm trying.

Come on, love. Watch me fall to pieces.
I'll be where you envisioned I'd always land, deep below your feet.
And the remorse, if any, will **** you alive.
I can only imagine the lack of emotion you're carrying, just as always.
If you'd ever shed a tear, if you'd only let it go.
But now, don't let me be the reason you broke.


You tried, but not much.
You gave the bare minimum. And I believed it.
You let me think the substance was much thicker.
Your lies and deception were all too good to believe.
But now you're gone, and I'll let the memories of us fade.
Because if I don't,
I'll lay in your shadows for eternity.

It's cold on the floor, but my bed is where our memories lie to rest.
So watch me as I sleep in anyone else's bed but mine.
Watch me fill my need for affection with those who give none.
Watch the mindless beings I bring into my life take over my soul.
Watch my obsession of anything other than you, and us, and how we were before.

Nothing makes sense anymore, not that it ever did with you.
But now even less, even more-so of a reason to fall.
I realize the fault in my actions. But you never will.
And that's something I'll have to live with forever.
Rest easy, to something that once was.
Rest easy to everything I ever thought I was.

drag your words a bit more, darling.
have you come across a higher feeling?
is there anything in this world you fear?
the beginning of destruction
and the need to break
shapes your being
into the weak man you are.
spit some more thoughts.
watch the ratio
between not caring
and realization
evaporate into thin air.
do you think youre inspirational?
give me something more than that.
nothing you say will affect
any persons life.
you will never make an impact
  so don't get ahead of yourself.
reminders that you are inferior
race through your mind.
I know.
pretend you are better
try and prove your worth.
but there is none
because you are yet
another insecure soul
looking for a shoulder to cry on.

its becoming distracting
how much I think about love
how much patience and thought
I waste on determining my love life
and wondering whether or not I want to be in love
or whether or not love is real.
love can be felt in an ideally
fragile state of mind
and it can be thought to feel immensely strong.
I can never differentiate
love and lust
because the feelings and the heartbreak
all feel the same to me.
just trying to cope with confusion and pain
and wondering whether a person is worthy of your time
and wondering if youre worthy of their time
because the uncertainty haunts you.
because youll find that one person
that makes you crazy in the best ways
and makes you feel alive
but you fight
and you hurt
because that's what love is for
and youre left wondering
do I give up?
or
should I keep fighting?
youre torn because that's what love does
because it wants you to hurt
so it can heal you
and it wants you to be happy
so it can shock you in the side
and say
hey, this isn't a fairy tale
and you learn.
but honestly
what is love
and is it real
do we try to love in life?
or do we give up all we know
to please ourselves?

Farewell to the ruins of your body.
you used to be so potent
the way your eyes gleamed
with every beat of your heart.
what happened to you, my love?
do your thoughts no longer prosper?
what happened to your innocence?
I worry about you.
youre no longer alive.
I can see it.
I can feel it.

Amidst a darkness
so cold and so malicious,
sits and stares the tormentors
of my own soul.

Shivering and sorrowing -
leaving behind permanence
and warmth's comfort.

Each word spoken, a wound -
painfully deep and festering.
Faithfully in attendance,
a shadow's depth
creeping up, and in, my seizing brain.

Losing love, losing hope -
losing the echo of your own heartbeat.
For in grief,
even love seeks no bounds,
seeks no solace in fading lights.

Though no fallacy be spoken in abundance,
sorrow speaks louder than words.
My light has left,
and the evils are now present.
Help me, i beg.
Help the mutilated soul.

I face each day
Like I face my reflection.
Teeth baring and stagnant.

Stale and unamused.

I ask

"What do you have for me today?
What adversity must I face?
Am I to walk a thousand miles?
Or think a thousand thoughts?
Will you be easy on me today?
Please?"

He says

"Don't water the plants.
They want to die.
They don't want to bloom."

Take their lives.
**** them off

I'm talking to myself out loud.
I hear my voice
But I don't hear any words.
I hear the disgruntled mumbles
I'm attempting to speak.

In due time,
things will be fine.
In due time,
You'll make sense of it all.
Where do I start?

I ask

"Do these things matter?
Am I supposed to feel?
Where's my guilt?"

He says

"Don't water the plants.
They want to die.
They don't want to bloom"

That's all I get?

He says

"That's all you'll ever get"

As if he was in my head.
As if he heard my thought.

No matter how much I asked,
That's all I ever got.

The flowers.
They don't want to be alive.
They don't want to bloom.

Did the flowers give up too?
Was it their only choice?
The only one they felt they had?

I ask

No I don't. I ask nothing anymore.

So everyday,
I face my tasks like I face my reflection.

Lifeless and dull.
Withering and disintegrating.
Like the flowers i've neglected.
On purpose.
Because I killed them.
I killed them.

I killed my self.
I killed everything I ever was.

i'm in love with the concept of it all.
i love how gentle the world is.
i love how sweet everyone is.


i'm infatuated by you and your words.
the sweet speak that protrudes from your lips,
and the way you look at me so softly.


if i wrote on paper the perfect life,
the perfect hallucination,
this would be it.


i spent so much time creating this
perfect reality,
but it's really not so perfect, and
really not so real.


but a constant state of delusion is comfortable.
it's home.
i'm just here, in my mind,
creating the perfect, not so real, world experience
of a lifetime.


so forgive me for the confusion
forgive my ignorance and forgive my mistakes
i'm not really here.
i'm in my own world, where on paper it looks
a whole lot better than it really is.


i'm exhausted.
im not really here.
forgive me.