blue and white
cast upon you
like rice at a wedding
they follow
wanting
lusting
calling
cursing
but how to ward them?
when you ache
and plead
with yourself
your empty bank account,
god
for something you find beautiful
in another
yes, the evil eyes are always watching
because
they are yours.

I told you today
in a round about way
that I loved you
I spilt secrets and feelings on that blessed white page
hoping it had been sage
to admit in finality that I love you
now I await
for your response post haste  
as you struggle to figure out my name
and my heart I try to tame
as it flutters and beats
at your chairs every squeak
and I pretend cool
as I curse that once again I let my heart rule
over logic and pride
I need to learn to smite
these whims of adrenaline
and fix my hearts painful regimen
of loving you

I look(ed) in
the clouds
and search(ed) for dragons.

they dance(ed)
and love(ed)
and sang above me.

I laugh(ed) and cry(ied)
all night, and in day
I look(ed) for dragons.

Up, up up
up in the clouds I look(ed)
to where they say(id)
I can find my dragons.

but now I'm old(er0
and sad(der)
and i'm afraid

as I look(ed) up
that I've lost my dragons.

friends are like

pebbles on a beach
sometimes the plain ones
are worth the most
but i've never been good
at the picking up the pebbles part
i worry i read into
i over compensate
i try to be chill
but i just act manic
because acting like
yourself
when you look in the mirror is hard enough, but with
real
live
actual people?
writing is easier
but my friends
the pebbles I've managed to keep in my pocket
are the smoothest
shiniest
flawed
exceptional
pebbles on the whole beach
and I've lost a few
picked up ones that weren't good
to me
as i was their pebble
but my friends are
the rocks
that keep me weighted
in the real world

logical
Responsible
practical
make believe
that this is me
that these are qualities
who i am
in all honesty
the questions run
wild and free
make believe
that this is me
that that will ever be me
please
tell me who i am
because even I'm not sure anymore
is anyone
does any
single
one
know
other people
know
see
judge
what we push aside
what we pay no mind
can become who we are
in a blink of an eye
in a wayward sigh
becoming a lonely
make believe reality

Life is
*******
Expensive.
There's phone bills
Water bills
Transit books soap netflix toothpaste food rent
To buy
And it's a lot more
Than I was ever
Prepared for.

I was sitting on the car with my family the other day
Pink Floyd was on the radio
And we were discussing sadness and
Melancholy
When my mother said she didn't like to listen to sad music
I realized
That
Her
Sadness
Is
Just
As
Unique
As
Mine

Tears are water falls
Slowly dripping down your face
As I look at you
Embarrassed for
You
Angry for
You
So don't cry
Because
In three days
You won't remember
You fell down
You pick yourself up
Once again
Another price
Gone to the void you
Say you love
But we both know
You
Know
That she is horrid
Embarrassing
A liar
A liar that you love
And I can't help loving you
Because
You are not afraid
To cry

I shiver
a wind could bowl me over
I shake
with anger and mistakes
I tremor
As you return me to sender
I quake
Waiting for you to forsake
A tremor
Some how just a crack
The size of st. Andreas

as a child
no one ever could believe my favorite color
could
be
light.
to be precise
the morning light on a cloudy day
the deep light dove gray
of the sun behind the clouds
yellow, they could believe
gold,
they loved the sheen
but not gray.
gray was plain boring,
simply too gray
I was told to pick another
pick another?
was it so preposterous that
I loved the color that
was to oft left behind?
they told me to be a normal child
and enjoy the random reds
the mediocre blues
the grassy greens
but it will always be that light
shade
of
gray
for me.

sometimes asking is the hardest part
the shimmery tremors almost art
opening my mouth with no sound but silence
an act in itself of straight defiance
sometimes asking's the hardest part
as my wondering comes straight from the heart

we talked once
through stalks of paper
book of trees
we glimpsed
pieces of hands
souls, eyes
as the books wavered and shook
in the still earthquake
of paper between us

Getting older
Doesn't mean I've grown up
My coming of age story
Won't be one that's read in English class.
Is adulthood a dramatic change
Or a series of small steps?
What defines me as a child
An adult
Will others one day examen my life, circle a section, and say,
Yes, this is where she had her coming of age.

when I was younger
I told only lies
I told myself if
I said something
that made it true
as If the words I etched
would morph my future, my past
into something I could
revel in, wait for

I told myself that
my mother was young
she was beautiful, ardent, honest
that making  bonds in a temporary family
was futile, useless
that she would be there

I never really thought about my father
I told myself that he didn't matter
somehow, the imagined bond
between me and my mother
took up most of my energy
but the spun sugar web
of half truths and full lies
grew more bitter as
I did

I refused
to see the acrid truth
my mother doesn't, couldn't love me
she's never met me
and apparently, she thought naming
the man who sired me
didn't matter either

my mothers mistakes run
bolting my blood in reality
enforced in my head
through constant warnings
of pregnancy, drug addiction
as if I will ever make her mistakes
no.
I'll make my own

I've built myself a palace of lies
and as I step past the threshold
I wonder, even as I wander forwards
if my new truth
is made out of the same material
I wonder if this new truth
is a lie disguised as forgiveness

Because maybe I've just moved rooms
and there's a ceiling of clear lies
holding me in
as I think I've found freedom

Who would you be without words.
Without the innate ability to weild
A sharp and bitter taste
To be left without them
No more music no books no conversation no jokes no movies
You've lost the solace of words
You've lost the shield of language
You're losing it.
Even a dog recognizes it's name.
But soon you won't.
Who what when how
Its all words
Without them
What are you.

it bubbles and burns
the softness I yearn
leaves its mark inside me

its sweet and its raw
of earth, and claws
and fizzles deep inside me

flowers grow better
sunk in seltzer
poppies bloom inside me

petals caress
like a maid's wedding dress
up my throat, inside me

they say I'm in bloom
so I consume
the soda, now deep inside me.