I still feel the pains of missing you
when I sleep,
when I wake,
when I look at myself in my lonely mirror.
All I feel is that it’s helplessly my fault.

I can't avoid you
you're everywhere
all of the time
-- you're in my clothes
on my bedsheets
even under my skin --
and I was never taught
how to get rid of something
(someone) that made me
hurt like hell.

For hours upon hours
I sit on a flimsy, old chair
amongst a large gathering of people
too engrossed in their troubles to notice
that the hours feel like days and days
of loneliness, trapped inside these walls
looking out to see that no one has a care
for the things I feel inside
day in and day out
365 days of the year.

Tonight, as I lay in bed, thoughts playing old memories on rewind - stop & pause at the good moments, fast forward through all the bad - my brows begin to furrow as I ask myself... what if? What if I would’ve decided to go a different college? What if I actually changed my major when I realized I would never be a striving politician? What if I would have not lived for others and lived for myself?

Well, here’s the beautiful thing about what ifs: it’s not the life you’re meant to live. If I didn’t study what I did I never would have met my husband. If I never met my husband I never would have realized I wanted to become a nurse. If I never lived these moments, I never would have found my true destiny. I can’t say I’m happy that it took me so long to find my purpose in life, but when I reflect on my life I now realize the mindset I needed to get to where I am today and not where it was 5 years ago. Unfortunately, life doesn’t wait for you to catch up. Thankfully, I have someone who undoubtedly believes in my abilities to succeed.

Regardless of how long it took to figure out or how long it takes for me to get to where I’m meant to be, I’m proud of the woman I’ve become and am still becoming.

People will ask me
if there ever is a point
to anything other than this
and I will tell them that
yes, yes there is.

In everything you do
you should do it with love
and hope, passion, grace
whether at the courtesy of others
or for one's own pleasure.

With all of your heart
you must try to see the light
even on the darkest eves
for it will guide you through
your most difficult trials.

And lastly, oh, but lastly
shall you see the world
as your canvas -- plain, white and delicate
in need of a great story
to be placed upon it.

It takes time to learn
how to be alone
because being alone
means dealing with the silence
and sleeping through the lonely nights
and having to go day in and day out
having only yourself to lean on.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
that saves a wretch like me
one so undeserving of the love
that is brought upon me.

I once was lost
in a coldhearted rage
for the world around me
appeared to be so against me.

But now I'm found
I am in love with life
because You showed me
that all is possible.

I was blind but now I see
I see the glory in all that life is,
all of it's ups and downs
and I see I will always be promised eternal days.

You know, I know you miss me
and the nights we had
and the times I told you I loved you
and the nights we rambled about nothing.
Yeah, you ******* miss me.

But I can't skate by knowing
I just let you walk away,
right on by.
And I hate myself for that.
But still, things could be like old times.

There are things that I love more than anything in the world:
the smell of the rain on pavement,
the sound of crunching autumn leaves,
watching a blizzard while sitting by the fireplace.
But most of all, my favorite thing was how you used to
hold me and whisper "I love you" in my ear.

I dreamt last night that
it was summer
and you were with me
just you and I
and the grass beneath your back
as I laid on your chest
and we couldn't stop laughing
and smiling
and oh my, kissing
and this all was just too good
and then I woke up
with tears on my cheeks
knowing I might never have that
again with you.

I know it's going to be awhile
for this feeling to subside
because for the longest time
you were the only one
that had my heart
and kept it safe.
You were the only one.
I thought I'd only have
these eyes for you.
But that isn't true.

We no longer have to
carve our names into trees
or scribe them on a sheet of parchment
or even imprint them on our hearts like a tattoo

because, baby,
trees grow old and die
I crumbled that piece of paper long ago
and scars, over time, heal.

Until the day when I meet you at the bus stop,
the same one I dropped you off at some weeks ago,
when I get to stand on my tiptoes to kiss your smoke-scarred lips,
as you have to slouch to envelope
every inch of yourself around me,
keeping me safe, keeping me warm,
I will close my eyes and play back
that night where I sat in
the passengers seat, staring out
my dust covered window
trying to hide the tears
streaming down my face,
because we promised each other
we’d stay strong,
no I miss you’s, no please hurry home.

Until the night when I get to make you your favorite dinner
- rosemary steak and garlic potatoes -
and we get to sit at our dining table,
laughing over wine and memories,
I’ll begin to forget the loneliness I felt when you left,
because I knew you’d come back.
We made a promise to ourselves,
and timing is not always the best,
but in our selflessness we find strength.
I know this is the best thing for us,
for our future, so that our life together
can finally begin,
but the days feel like months,
and the weeks, years,
and this time alone is killing me.
You made me feel alive,
please come back home.

I should've given up on you
when I had the chance
because each time
you come back into my life
my world freezes in time
but yours keeps moving on.

Everyone’s always saying that
you shouldn’t romanticize sadness
but you know, it’s actually quite beautiful
to witness someone’s ability
to withstand the pain
that they deal with and I think
that should be celebrated.

2:48 am -
I am wide awake
with nothing on my mind
but begging for the sleep
that won't hold memories
of you.

3:16 am -
The cold side of my pillow
is no longer soothing
and my memories
have turned into nightmares
that I can't escape.

4:32 am -
I beg the stars that
I can get a decent night's sleep
one without you in it
one without the perpetual
pain of losing you.

But before you go I just want you to know
that you have caused me to love you so
that nothing will ever compare to what we were,
not even the stars, nor the moon,
nor the roar of a waxing shoreline
for I have known no greater feeling than
the warm embrace after a long drive home,
or our interlocked eyes as we stare in silence,
or the time I caught you crack a smile
when the snow fell from the roof onto my eyebrow.
Sadly, I've learned, that these moments must come to an end
and when you finally realize that time is now
you'll find a tear running down your cheek
and words caught within your throat
and with all the strength you can grasp
you must walk out the front door.

You stabbed me with words
that cut like a knife
all the way to the bone
and with all of the blood
that pooled at my side
you only made it worse
when you tracked it up
my snow white eyelet dress
that I wore when we first met
you know, that night by the lake
with nothing but a blanket,
the stars and the sky
and although you're standing here now
as if you couldn't care at all
I let a smile catch my lip
knowing that even then
and even now
I love you at your darkest
and because of this
the darkness took me too.

If you try to hurt me
with your words
as if they were needles
that pricked into my spine
just know that
baby, only words bleed
and that wounds heal
with time.

The sadness is beginning to set in
like the grapevines that grow up the side of an old brick house
gnarled and tangled in such a unfixable mess
just like the inner workings of the soul of mine
that once felt love and beauty and strength
growing in bouquets of flowers from my chest
unfortunately those flowers rotted and decayed
yet never really left, just like the proof that's shown
from the overcrowded webs of vines that still grow
up the side of that old brick house.

In this moment I pray:
For peace
For strength
For life to slow down
to speed up
To give me all the things I want
To take away all the things that break me
To end my rollercoaster emotions
up and down
side-to-side
happy and sad

In this moment I beg:
To be successful
to feel proud of the strides I've made
to not feel like a failure
that I will be nobody forever
that I will be stuck in the same place
for the rest of my life
For the day I will see the light
and I will trust my feet to take me where I need to be
to appreciate all that I have
and to stop comparing myself to others

And in this moment I hope:**
That I will continue to fight for my life
That I will get better one day
That I'll no longer be sick and scared
That I will find what I'm meant to do
That God actually does have a plan for me
and I just need to be patient and have faith
That healing will take place
And that there will be a day
That I will no longer feel this pain
That it will be replaced with joy.

It's like you never left,
the way the air still smells
of that cheap dollar store cologne
and of stale Marlboros and whiskey.

Your phantom hands ran through my hair
and ghostly lips sunk into my neck
and I could not help to think I heard you say
"oh honey, oh, how I've missed you."

But all the while my eyes were closed
I hadn't realized something:
that the window lay cracked wide open
and the wind blew out the candle flame.

My wrists lay frail and bound
on the tops of my thighs
bruised, fragile
all because I couldn't learn
to say the words to
break the chains that bind me
so tightly to the lies that
weigh me down with
every word that leaves
your mouth.

I'm starting to see that
life is only worth living
if you have the chance to love
fully and truly.

I got lost chasing light in darkness
until I decided to become the light.

I wish you were there
to fight the bad dreams
off for me, but really
you can't help but
help the demons
choke and squeeze my lungs
to release the air that
I need to breath and you
couldn't have cared less.

Remember that day
where we spent our time among the city
all the way until the evening
We played and we laughed and smiled
and we were happy –
the happiest we ever were

Because we burned with such a passion
that glowed with every step we took,
with our hearts on fire
as you spun me round and round

And all I could do was stare into your eyes;
those deep hazel eyes that are
forever burned in my soul

And that evening you left
with no reason at all
You only left the words
“see you soon”
Whenever that is

And the thing is
I knew you wouldn’t come back
And the thing is
no matter what
I would shine for you,
be your star

I want to guide you back home
back to me
Because that's all I can do for you;
I would burn for you.

I want you
I want it to be the same
I wish you would've kept your words
of how you thought we'd be together forever
yet you never gave me or us a chance to prove that
and how you just ran, and led me on down the strand
until I hit the end, left to dangle and plead and question everything
and all I wanted was you.
and you said that's what I had.
and I want it now more than anything.
because surprisingly our distance did nothing to affect
my deepest feelings towards you
and how they've always haunted me even as much as I've pushed them away
because I thought you forgot about me, that I meant nothing
when all I wanted was something, with you.
We were so great and complex and passionate.
and I can't see why I was second choice
what made me such an unappealing choice.
when all I wanted was to care for you as long as I possibly could.

Don't let me crack my heart just so you can see me bleed.

I never craved life as much
as I did when I was with you
but now there are holes in my chest
and the fire is dying down
and I can't find the excitement
I once possessed.

It feels so long ago
that you left me to the wayside
and I can't believe I can't shake it,
shake you from my skin
I just crave to have that spark of life
once again, by myself, without you in it.

I ache. I don't know how else to say it. My ribs are so brittle and my heartbeat falters. And I can't think of any way to fix it. How can I refill my empty lungs with air when you've done everything to take my breath away? Do I have to beg and scream and plead for mercy, all just so I can find peace? You've used me, left me bruised and battered, and now all I ask is for you to leave me with some dignity.

Oh, how amazed I am by the beauty that
radiates from the center of your being
as if your only purpose in life was to live
to bring joy to those who witness your love that you give
Oh, how I long to be your companion
lazying the day away, observing the world at our stem.

I wish you would use it's wing-like petals
to fly, but instead you stay in the ground
soaking up sun and watching as
a young couple has
fun on a hand-me-down quilt
that the girl's grandmother once gave her.

Oh, what a life of happiness you must lead.

I see how the light reflects off the riverbank and the trees sway in the gentle wind and how the flowers glow in the everlasting sunshine and then there's me: breathing it all in, cherishing every moment because I'll never know if I'll get another chance like this imperfect perfection.

Even after all this time
I can say you've made me the
happiest I've ever been.

You have to know that deep down inside all of the cracks and crevices of your heart that I will always fit in those fragmented spaces. You want to know how I know this? Because you are my morning songbirds when I wake up and my northern star that guides me home on dark summer nights and your heart aches when I ache like we are in each other's skin. I fit nowhere else but here.

I can feel your delicate hands
slide up and down my spine
just the way I like.

You kiss my neck
and **** on my ear
waiting until I give in a little.

I pull at your hip
and grind while you moan
I'm just so **** happy that you're home.

You lay me on my back
and take off my shirt
and I finally see that smile and I no longer hurt.

To the ones who
don't see the light
and feel the demons
beneath your skin,
I pray that one day
you will feel the brightness
that comes from happiness
and you can break the chains
that bind you
because why do others
deserve the light
when all you see is darkness?

When darkness was an ocean
you taught me how to sink.

Tonight I dread trying to
write my thoughts on paper
but I feel like I have no other
choice but to try.

I want to try to express
the pain I feel when
I see the world.
It hurts me to see
others hurt more than me.

I see the world
full of others feeling
and breathing and
suffering from losses
too soon to grieve.

I wish I could imagine
such a world where suffering
wasn't the basis of life
and where we must suffer
to understand the love behind all feelings.

I stared into your eyes;
so captivating, so gentle.
You gave me that signal
as you pulled at my ribs
and brought me in closer
to you and
I couldn’t help myself
I caved
I sunk into you like
waves crashing over me
and I wanted nothing more
than to drown in your skin.

I think I'm dying.
There's a pain in my chest
and my hands shake like crazy
and all that plays in my head
is the way you kissed me on my forehead
and said, "I'm so, so sorry."

I feel so pathetic
because I know it's over
but you still bring me to my knees
and I still beg for you to stay.
But nothing keeps you in my arms
and there's gotta be a way I can deal with that.

Sometimes you need to learn
that moving on is painful
and moving on is hard
but moving on is needed
when you have nowhere else to turn and
no one else to rely on.

Spirit, lead me where my faith is without borders,
let me walk across the marshland, desert, or sea
because I call upon Your name, everyday,
my heart rests in Your embrace
and I know You won't let my feet
sink beneath me.

It wasn’t our eyes when they met
or our smiles that we gave
or our hands when they touched
but our hearts when they felt
-- that was kismet.

I don't want to write
about the aches and pains,
the light-as-a-feather feeling
of love anymore
because they aren't
just some words you
write on paper,
they're the feelings
left from the one
you thought was the one
and they weren't
and I don't want that anymore.

It felt as if
my heart burst through
my chest and shined
with the brightest colors
like a blazing sunrise.

I couldn't breath
because the feeling
weighed so heavily
on my chest
I couldn't bear it.

So I ran,
I ran away from
the cause of all
my pain
that was created.

Your love, I couldn't bear it.

My head is lacking
the capacity to think
in straight lines and squares.

I read your poem almost every night
with the tears that dormented themselves
for years and years.
I hate sometimes that I miss you so
but you were my first love and my best friend.
I detest the circumstances we have in our lives.
I can't take the empty spaces where you should be
in my heart, the place you left so long ago.
And I don't know why I'm not satisfied with
your answers, with you telling me we're friends again.
Maybe I'm just paranoid that you'll leave again
and that scares the hell out of me.
Please stay for good this time.
No matter the distance because one day
we'll have our moments again.
I just know it.

I hate to say this, baby
but we're just clinging on
to the last few bits
that keep us whole
but not even "I love you"
can fix us anymore.

Some women are lost in the fire
circling the flames without a care

But I want to be built from the fire
feeling the flames abrupt from my chest

And I need to have the passion of
the roaring waves of rouges and orange

And I can't live another day without the heat
from the love I have for the life I lead.