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Ashleigh Black Jul 2018
Tonight, as I lay in bed, thoughts playing old memories on rewind - stop & pause at the good moments, fast forward through all the bad - my brows begin to furrow as I ask myself... what if? What if I would’ve decided to go a different college? What if I actually changed my major when I realized I would never be a striving politician? What if I would have not lived for others and lived for myself?

Well, here’s the beautiful thing about what ifs: it’s not the life you’re meant to live. If I didn’t study what I did I never would have met my husband. If I never met my husband I never would have realized I wanted to become a nurse. If I never lived these moments, I never would have found my true destiny. I can’t say I’m happy that it took me so long to find my purpose in life, but when I reflect on my life I now realize the mindset I needed to get to where I am today and not where it was 5 years ago. Unfortunately, life doesn’t wait for you to catch up. Thankfully, I have someone who undoubtedly believes in my abilities to succeed.

Regardless of how long it took to figure out or how long it takes for me to get to where I’m meant to be, I’m proud of the woman I’ve become and am still becoming.
Ashleigh Black Jul 2018
There’s a ghost that haunts these parts
he lingers on these pages
full of words, such fanciful words,
that my eyes, my mouth, my heart
still get lost in.

There’s a poet who once wrote
such vivid words about our past
that romanticized our togetherness
and gave it an eternity in the abyss of the internet
so I can relive those soul-crushing movie script endings.

There’s a boy who once said
he loved me more than anyone in this world
that he’d do anything for me,
that somehow, some way we’d find each other again
and pick up like no time or distance had come between us.

But that boy turned into a man, a brave man
just as I turned into a woman, a fearless woman
learning that even best friends, best lovers
come and go, and they might never
come back.  

Some days, I’m sad it’s not you who I wake up next to in the morning.

Most days, I just miss having my best friend.
I log into here and do the same routine every time - check my notifications, check my inbox, read old messages, old love poems, feel all the old butterflies of young love and remember that you were the bestest (not a real word, I don’t care) I ever had. I hate that we had to fall in love. I hate that we don’t talk anymore. And I know why we can’t, you said it all those years ago. I still remember it word for word. But ******* it, do I miss having my best friend. You were the one person who truly understood me, enjoyed the same things with the same amount of passion, and that **** passion got in the way. I hate that you left. I hate that I fell in love with you. And I hate that I’ll  never have a friend like you ever again in my life.
Ashleigh Black Feb 2018
Until the day when I meet you at the bus stop,
the same one I dropped you off at some weeks ago,
when I get to stand on my tiptoes to kiss your smoke-scarred lips,
as you have to slouch to envelope
every inch of yourself around me,
keeping me safe, keeping me warm,
I will close my eyes and play back
that night where I sat in
the passengers seat, staring out
my dust covered window
trying to hide the tears
streaming down my face,
because we promised each other
we’d stay strong,
no I miss you’s, no please hurry home.

Until the night when I get to make you your favorite dinner
- rosemary steak and garlic potatoes -
and we get to sit at our dining table,
laughing over wine and memories,
I’ll begin to forget the loneliness I felt when you left,
because I knew you’d come back.
We made a promise to ourselves,
and timing is not always the best,
but in our selflessness we find strength.
I know this is the best thing for us,
for our future, so that our life together
can finally begin,
but the days feel like months,
and the weeks, years,
and this time alone is killing me.
You made me feel alive,
please come back home.
I miss my husband.
Ashleigh Black Jul 2017
I can see all of the glittering bits of you
deep inside your locket heart
waiting for the key of life that will fit
so perfectly into the grooves that yearn
for adventure and exploration,
needing the complexity that fate has
so mysteriously planned out for your soul,
your restless, tireless soul compiled of
figments of imagination and nostalgia
coalesced in the compartments
that keep you hopeful,
ambitious, and destined for
something more,
something better.
My therapist told me to start writing again, especially about what I want to do with my life. This isn't very specific nor is it really about what I want to do with the rest of my life, but it is a step in the right direction. There's hope and determination and I just need to stop being scared to act upon these feelings. I need to take ahold of my future, trust that I am capable to do whatever I set my mind to and just do it.
Ashleigh Black Jun 2016
In this moment I pray:
For peace
For strength
For life to slow down
to speed up
To give me all the things I want
To take away all the things that break me
To end my rollercoaster emotions
up and down
happy and sad

In this moment I beg:
To be successful
to feel proud of the strides I've made
to not feel like a failure
that I will be nobody forever
that I will be stuck in the same place
for the rest of my life
For the day I will see the light
and I will trust my feet to take me where I need to be
to appreciate all that I have
and to stop comparing myself to others

And in this moment I hope:**
That I will continue to fight for my life
That I will get better one day
That I'll no longer be sick and scared
That I will find what I'm meant to do
That God actually does have a plan for me
and I just need to be patient and have faith
That healing will take place
And that there will be a day
That I will no longer feel this pain
That it will be replaced with joy.
Ashleigh Black Feb 2015
Every time you say that
you're not worth it
remember the times
you felt something so
strong and moving
that you couldn't contain
yourself. Please harness that
for those moments are fleeting,
forever slipping through
the slits of your fingertips
and eventually vanish from
your memory. Let it engulf you,
contain every bit of you that
one day you'll believe that
life is something to cherish
for you are privileged with only
Ashleigh Black Feb 2015
Although you hide your love
I can feel the admiration
you have for me
in the way you moan in my ear
and whisper sweet nothings
as if you were loving me
even if it were just for the night.
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