---I see the light I grew up with the light that would love and protect me. I'm scared I was just looking at memories and now it's just dark.

---who knows though

---You're preaching the Bible, yet spreading hate

---Make it make sense.

Tiktok.
---a place where people want to post videos to encourage others.
---a place where others don't relate to the video so shame the rest.
---a place where I just wanted to hear someone like me.
---a place where I had to read everyone hate on someone like me.
---a place where even if you know this video isn't for you, you must comment and let the world know this video isn't for you.
---a place where I can connect.
---a place where connecting is "shoving down your throat"?

3am thoughts are the worst.
---first I start to feen for smoke... it's not even good for me.
---then I crave for the love we had.. you don't even think about me.

two ravaged hungry animals clinging to each others bodies
hunger turns to thirst and they are now fighting to survive
each piece of their soul is enough to feed
but how much do they take?

their bodies grip tighter their growls get louder

predators are watching as they mark down their prey
the eyes you can never escape

Silence speaks louder than any word I could speak.

My silence speaks volumes cause I don't care to speak.

Just because I'm silent doesn't mean I concede.

"i wasn’t supposed to fall in love with poetry, but i did."

the words of poetry...
speak through my fingers almost as clear as my body dances...
the art i never understood
the words of poetry took me hours to understand
the freedom of poetry
it captured my soul
i fell for poetry
the freedom in poetry
its an addiction now
this feeling for poetry
the books I never got
the Maya Angelou poems that took days to decipher...
slowly fell in place
now its all i crave
to let go and let loose
poetry opened my legs
it ****** me up so hard
i squirted for poetry
i felt safe with poetry
poetry held me in its arms and told me its okay
poetry shared its tears with me
it let me cry in their lap
while it carressed my hair
poetry took care of me
poetry is like a mother
nurturing in nature
poetry is the long legged lady
picking herbs from the garden
to heal the sick
poetry is confusing
there is no true essence to poetry
sometimes its invisible or sometimes its perfectly clear
poetry is like that guy who ghosted you but he always comes back
i always feared poetry
felt too insecure for poetry
but poetry is so open
they are so kind
poetry held me and said its okay to try.
thank you to poetry.
its nice to fall inlove.

I used to have this night terror...
a man or multiple chasing me
trying to kidnap me
I watched him kidnap so many others

he reached out to me
this scary man with a disguise of female features...
I never understood
where and what created this fear of abuse
at such a young age I ran from more men in my dreams than I did in real life...
I never thought of being abused...
I have no memories.
Was I? did something happen to me?
I will never truly know. I see kids getting kidnapped from their homes in my dreams
Do I know exactly what that means? How far will they take me?
Is it simply the fears of the world, pushed into a child's brain so that it may never leave, a matter of fact.
the knowledge that should be engrained. or is it the past lives of many once lived? / an unconscious collective of memories.
just simply I will never know.

the night terrors turn to day dreams
i witness myself being choked...
i can feel someone watching me
i lose track of time
watching some take their time on me...
i cause myself tears...

i create all these fears in my head
i can see them so clear
these fears i could never control
and i never once understood

never the memories of someone i knew
all strangers
created
from a memory
i almost knew

he comes home...
we never know exactly when...
I used to think he was cheating on my mother

maybe he always was
the liquor stole him away from us
he felt safer there
he had more fun with the liquor
as each beer went down his throat he was  more and more at home
he loved us
but the beer captivated him
it stole his attention and drove him away

when hed come home during the daylight
i can see his body swaying
I used not appreciate the fact as much that he got home safely each day in that condition
his words would slur....
each end of a word colliding with the beginning of the other...
sometimes he'd get so lost in thought
lose track of time on what we were talking about...

my mother was always mad....
I used to get mad too and never knew why
until one day
i gave in...
I gave him my forgiveness the one he never asked for
you cant teach an old dog new tricks....

I tried to support him...
but its so hard
my mom is so hurt....
just wanting a husband to come home too...
not to be drunk...
to help around the house....
to be cohesive with thoughts....
to spend more time at the house than he does at the bar....

it breaks my heart...
I dont know who to support
I love them both
w
h
y is it so hard to be a daughter of a drunk....

i have no memory of abuse ever...
just the fogginess and him coming in so late...
and the screams of my parents
I used to wish they got a divorce... just so the fighting would stop.

sometimes he was never around...
but I have the good memories too...
he truly did love me..
its an addiction you know?
maybe if he had the power or the knowledge he wouldve chose us instead of the liquor.
he is my father and I love him none the less.
He is one of the coolest guys I know. A real respectable man.
A TRUE OG FROM THE OUTFIELDS OF HUMBOLDT PARK.

who never got the healing from the childhood trauma that he shouldve
he is just a man who got trapped in an addiction so hard to run away from....
just trying himself to get away from the screams of his wife... reminding him daily of all his issues.
he is just a man who is hurt his baby daughter chose her moms side and would bicker at him too...
he has to deal with both women.
who can he turn too?
other than the bottle who would never judge him.
he is just a man who is repeating the steps of his father.
who didnt know better.
who is simply following the path he knows.
he tries his best.
he tried fighting it.
just sometimes it gets too strong.
he is just a man who didn't know about therapy at a young age...
he is just a man that feared to show tears or vulnerability.
to be anything less than a man
he is just a man who got stuck in the ******* and troubles of this world.
he drinks to forget the memories.
he drinks to not worry about the issues of daily life.

I forgive him and I always will.
This is what it means to be a daughter of a drunk.

have u ever ****** yourself so good, listening to 'Cigarettes and Coffee', Otis has you left in tears from his tender voice mixed with the pulsations making you all sorts of weak.

Your sheets are wet, your pillow is soaked, and your body is released.

Cry because you love yourself. Cry because you can. Cry because you touch yourself. Cry because you are your first and greatest love.

you can tell how im doing by the look of my bathroom
remembering the idea of clean white tiles spotless as can be
now they show stains left from helpless cries
marks from stomach shouting and letting out hurls

the everyday wear and paste on the sink
the leftovers of my mornings
where some days I even forget the idea of my teeth

water splashes from the days i do remember on the helpless mirror
from spitting junk from my mouth
to splashes of water for the days I take care of my face

toilet paper running out with no spare or extra supplies
just leftover cardboard from the ones used before
no more baby wipes to help soothe my body

my trashcan is full overflowing to the floor

it is just a mess.

worse of all is the smell. I know the shower is bad enough on its own but adding all the rest... simply kills my soul.

you can always tell how I am doing by the look of my bathroom.

i met this guy
strangely through the oddest of apps
we spoke
we talked
and maybe even cried
6 hours long
the quickest of my life
he heard me
he listened
felt so understood
no judgment just love
on this forsaken app

i met this guy
he swept me up
with his 6 foot 4 body
reaching out his arms grabbing for me
through the screen i felt his touch
his large body
compared to me
so overwhelming
but comfort in it all
take my hand
help me up  

i met this guy
who surprised me
someone i didnt think I would meet
some would say heaven sent
and i nearly left that app
6 hours away...
please come find me

harder for me to let you go
since I never had the chance to have you
accepting it is what it is
I cant have hope...
it always disappoints...

but this guy I just met
please come find me...
the little bit of hope
i still have left
should I open the door?
or just take the next trip?

hope for me always...
but you did remind me...
hope for you now?
so untimely.

sleepless nights
coffee driven
no motivation
just movies
and shows
dark circles
fills my eyes
tears loaded
realizing
the
wasted space
no work done
just sleepless nights
with no motivation
just netflix at night
and dark circles
becoming my eyes

truly madly deeply
foolishy
completely
i am
                                      frozen touch
in this state of being

tender skin
brings cruelty
                                       to my mind
with you

walls of paper
patterns of colors

prints that share my same story

footsteps
imprints
dragging in mud
                                                          
                                                            everything
is falling in format
with you

my way of living

Am I fool?
Its not like Im inlove?
So what is this **** feeling?
Feels soft and intimate,
as if Im knowingly opening up my soul
sharing my emotions showing how I feel

I feel bare.
i want to restart.
ready to retreat.

did I kiss too soon?
Am I still in this pattern? my feelings have changed
but I'm still feeling weary

I'm still learning of my self,
but something about this does not necessarily feel wrong.

are we jumping too quick?
jump the gun on this ship.
I heard you so clear.
Your words soft and sharp all at the same time.
Eyes full.
"I like you and it wasn't a dumb question"

I just... no response.
Kiss instead.
What I know my body can do instead of using my tools.
Afraid to speak to soon.