it happened so long ago
i'm not even sure anymore
just how much i remember or know
all i know for sure
is that reaching that far behind
sometimes makes me
want to lose my mind
and run off screaming
into the abyss of eternal sleep
yet even there the dreams
might find a way to creep
back into my head
and awaken me in fright--
did i ever mention
how much i hate the night?

tried to save you that one last time--
you told me it would be in vain,
but i stubbornly refused to believe
that i couldn't erase your pain.

did every thing i knew to do--
held you in my arms all night long
and still i just couldn't win --
seems all my efforts were so wrong

but now that you're gone and no longer with me
i sit and weep my heartfelt tears
and i cannot help but wonder what if
we'd just had a few more good years...?

Always there are moments in time
whenever you wish you could rewind
take away those moments from fact,
from your memory--
relive them in the way
you'd wished them to be--
but reality sets in
and you have to realize
that no matter how many times
you tell yourself the lies,
you have to live the truth,
the stark reality
that is borne of now
and what is simply meant
to be.
But always there are those moments in time
when you ache to take away
what is meant to be
and turn it into something
that will not just help,
but set your life, your soul
completely free...

So painfully aware of being apart
from that which gives me my breath
helps to maintain the rhythmic beating
of my swollen heart--

So horribly bereft at having said goodbye
to one who has always kept me here
who has cradled me, held me tight
through every moment of my every sigh--

So hauntingly sure I will not survive
that life will have no meaning
with you not here to hold, to guard,
to keep me alive--

And so forlornly looking as you saunter away
your laugh, your jokes, your smiles and gentle heart
all that gave me reason to wake up
and live another god-forsaken day--

But so determined this time to carry on
to make it through without you here
to somehow hold myself together without you
and to just make it until the break of dawn...
©Amy Shae 2015

in the twilight
i saw your shadow
lurking
as if waiting
to capture me
and in my fear
and anxious state of mind
all I could do was flee.

i wonder now
what if you were someone
i could have shared a moment or two
what if i had stayed
and got acquainted
with you?

fear eats at me,
rules my world
so many times
each and every day
and oh, i wish, i wish, i wish
i knew how to just stay

and be a part of this life
that so many others
seem to so easily do
but reaching out,
touching, talking to others
just makes me
shiver and tremble all the way through...

If ever I stumble upon your soul
I will find a way to let you know
and I'll do my best to give it to you
so that you and your soul can travel through
this crazy life united as one--
as a souless life seems (somehow) so undone...

Hungering for the reality of truth
to shine through another's eyes--
hungering for  acceptance of who I am
and no more deceiving lies--
hungering for just some warmth
to come shining through
hungering for someone to truly care
--is that someone YOU?

lost and alone
seems to be
the entire story
of who happens
to be me
but that's okay
I'll find my way
and when I do
perhaps
you'll join me too?