At first I weep

Finally awoken
the light flickers brightly
Seeing for the first time
through the eyes of her elder
I'd waited for what seemed an eternity
for my inner child to reach out to me

At first I weep
for the longing is over and finally
after all these years
I can set her free

She is now sleeping
the deepest since before I left her
Abandoned her
Before I pushed her behind my pain and trapped her
******* and gagged her
My ears muffled with a loudness
That I set to the highest level
I didn't want to hear her cries

I thought I was protecting her
From the pain I had predicted
Ahead for me
I had seen my future
There was no love that awaited me
I was thirteen years old
What could I have known

Now we have spoken
And embraced
Forgiven my crime to her
I can see
That if I'd let her inside me
Listened to her heart
Along time ago
I could have been free

Dad

Go gently to your resting place
Go knowing that you were loved
Go with the Heavenly Father
Go watch over us from above

I know this is a better place for you
I know your body will be free
From the pain and frustration you had on earth
Where finally you can just be

Be able to walk, run and jump
Be able to speak at will
Be free from all restrictions
Be free from all the pills

God will have a beautiful garden
For you to tend and help thrive
I know this was your strength on Earth
It’s what helped you stay alive

Go gently to your resting place
Go knowing that you were loved
Go with the Heavenly Father
Go watch over us from above

I was happy, way up high.                    
I was safe, in another land.
It was blissful, when I didn't see.
I was calm, when I turned away.         It was fun, when I was ignorant.

I became scared, when I came down.
I felt Worried, when I returned.
I was lost, when I hit the ground.
I was in pain, when reality set.
I was empty, without my insanity.

How does one live, with the boredom?
How does one cope, with the pain?
How does one find their home, with no memory?
How does one smile, when the view is unchanged?

Tell me please, without my little helpers, how do I find myself, in this world?

Menopause taboo...

And this time of life for me
An invasion of body
Of soul and of mind
Has stripped me of my Identity
It has been cruel, unjust
and unkind

Retreating into myself
seems the only chance
of survival
Wearing a smile  
plastered on as a clown
Since this torturous arrival

I find it hard not being alone
Never really feeling at peace
My voice seeping under the stones
I'm anxious of my heart
My decisions
As nightmares of
great tsunamis
invade what little sleep
I seek

The shame and guilt
Hold onto me
Like old familiar friends
Fear, pain, anxiety
Those who have preceded me
And those yet to arrive
Don't seem to comprehend

And all this just from loneliness
That no one understands
The symptoms that walk beside
of it
Brushed away like grains of sand

A privileged life I've led
Which silences me to not
complain
So I write at 3am
For fear I might go insane

The sun still rises
And the flowers still bloom
As paper angels fly
above me
in my room

Life goes on
And good times end
too soon
As paper angels fly
above me
in my room

The sea still rises
And sleeps with the moon
As paper angels fly
above me
in my room

I still sit here
And hope the tears dry up soon
As paper angels fly
above me
in my room

Cut off my arms and legs
**** out my brain
seems all I'm ever wanted for
Lies in my middle frame

There is one at each end
Both open to be filled
That's all they ever wanted
The rest of me they killed

When I’m beside you
Like a warm break in the clouds
Alone I feel cold

Cradled inside the affectionate arms of Sicily’s warm hearted streets, the November sunshine takes pity on her, nestles in and resides within her worn out body.
Eyes closed and face turned towards the light; she imagines herself as a sunflower, grounded, rooted, dependent on the sunshine for any movement.
She sits outside the gates of the Teatro Massimo and listens as the sounds of the deserted streets from the early morning, gently begin to swell with the eagerness of tourists and local students alike.

Her carelessly chosen cafe is nonchalant in character, and sets the theme for the day ahead.
She has nowhere to be, and no one to be nowhere with. She is as set in her unplanned ways, as the sun will eventually set into the sea.

She sits down by the harbour... the gentleness of the sea calms her swollen mind.
How she’d give up her soul to sail away and discover the inviting coastline.
But she couldn’t even navigate her own thoughts, even out here, where she feels at home, her mind is as unsettled as a compass that has fallen for a magnet, pulling in every direction but never actually leaving. Lost in science, but bound by love.
Too soon the evening sky dresses in her finest and she is draped within fine silks and the days newly found darkness

Nighttime falls all too quickly as the singing of the locals chatter begins to fade, and the sunshine pulls over the shades, she settles herself into the evenings cool breeze and forgets that soon it’ll be time to return back to her mundane life.

I'll hug you till you smile out loud

My arms will hold you tight

I'll hold you till your tears dry up

And stay with you through the night

Then when you awake

And it's a brand new day

Your heart is fixed

Nearby I will stay

Just until you really believe

That your heart is pure

And ready to receive

Be careful of your words
For as they fall, they manifest
In the heart of the receiver
Who's emotionally undressed

Forever a disappointment
Eternally desperate to prove
As piece by piece they realise
If not perfect.............they lose.

Persistence hangs as stalactites
To please, to please, to please
But failure to get it perfect
The pain is never released

Be careful of your words
For as they fall, they manifest
In the heart of the receiver
Who's emotionally undressed

The light awoke gracefully as it gently rose up
so pure, and so beautifully bright from behind the calming blue horizon.
Grand and vast in its presence.
It was a sight to behold, that could heal the darkest of days.

She could feel it from behind as she walked, warming her swollen mind.
And she knew that all she had to do
was to turn
To let go
reach out and let it engulf her.
Saturate.
To enter deep inside her worn out body and wrap itself lovingly, around her torn soul.

She new that in its brilliance, deep within it's warm and loving beams
It could heal her.

But the enduring familiarity of the darkness, was calling to her yet again.
It's voice masked with a calming lure that had for many lives, led to a false feeling of safety within its carnivorous, colossal walls.
An imprisonment that made promises with no intent to commit.

Light has always prevailed over darkness. But when darkness bleeds inside a vessel with a heart and mind as strong as she possessed, light has to work a lifetime harder
Indurate this troublesome being.

Within her shattered trust, she struggles to believe that the light is forceful enough. As darkness rubs its beastly hands, in its vast approaching victory.

Once again she is still
The light willing her to one side, and darkness enticing her to the other.
Heart fighting over mind.
Angels fighting with the fallen. Tears escaping within the struggle.

The battle had commenced.

In the dead of the night
When there's no one around
Nothing clanking
Or making a sound

That's when the night pains
Begin to creep in
Tortured bones
Aching in skin

Diazepam and codeine
Bring no relief
My sleep is stolen
By the pain giver theif

These are the things
That others don't see
I just want my life back
I just want to be me

Sometimes if your dreams come true
You should make sure they always remain true....
Happy ever after doesn’t exist
Find your dream
Immortalise it
In that space in time
Then get rid of anything
That can feed it progression
Conserve it as newly born
Development will **** it
find it
Remember it
**** it

I'd like to take my brain out
For a few quiet days of peace
Diazepam and wine bring only temporary release

I'd like my brain to have a rest
Somewhere it can be free
Away from all the troubles and woes
Away from babysitting me

I think I'd send it on a
fishing boat
far far out to sea
To give it a chance to see the stars
and giggle to itself with glee

Hands sweaty
Heart racing
Hope has run away
Fear crippling
Lungs gasping
Anxiety’s here to stay

Head spinning
Stomach swimming
Rational thinking dead
Need a drink
Need a pill
Need to leave my head

Chest tight
Too scared to fight
Breathing not a choice
Vision blurred
Mind impaired
Can not find my voice

There’s a hole in my marigold washing up gloves
The water just seeping inside
I noticed it just now standing over my sink
My hands wet instead of staying dry

These’s a whole in my shoe
A very small one
It lets in tiny stones from the beach
But I still keep on walking
The sea that I’m stalking
My happiness almost in reach

Now the whole in my heart is getting smaller
A real love is all that it took
So the other holes can let in the water and stones
All it took from him was that first look

Lay down beside me
my love
turn your limbs to become mine
wrap your skin and hold close, to bond yourself to me
Let the light within you dissolve into me
and feel warm.

Lay down beside me
my love
Let your breath flow deep into my breath
help me be still
as mine will surely fail before dawn.

Lay down beside me
my love.
Let my soul teach to your soul, every beautiful word
every song and every thought of kindness
Keep searching for great hearts
and be brave.

Lay down beside me
my love
Push your heart within me
to beat as mine begins to fade. Let us be one
just as the first time
As this my darling
my other
my fallen half
will be the last scene
in a life very few will conceive.

Lay down beside me
my love.
Feel how great we are
Never let that greatness fall. Remember me clearly with eyes of love and see what I see. Never mistrust your deepest thoughts
they are our thoughts
we built them together.

Lay down beside me
my eternal love
I have not let you down
The light I give will be your strength
My deepest thanks to you
my love
For you
my fallen half
is what made my heart so beautiful.

A poem for Tinder.

You look at his photo and think 'he looks hot'
then look at the next one and say 'maybe not'.

The next one is too short and has the wrong hair,
you're making snap judgements it's not really fair.
You swipe and you swipe but none to the right,
you must find one soon or be swiping all night.

The next one looks pretty but has not took the time,
to write he likes dogs or thinks veggies are fine.
You swipe left and swipe left and again you swipe right.
You must not be beautiful, no matches tonight.

You pin all your hopes on that very first date,
you dream of the first kiss, you hope he's not late.
He walks in the bar and you smile a fake smile,
you think of excuses but will stay a short while.

How shallow you are that you won't give it time,
he might have a good heart, he might be just fine.

He's says that he's sorry but can't stay that long,
he's making excuses, and you wore your best thong!

How dare he decide before you've even spoke,
then picks up his drink, goes outside for a smoke.
You sigh and decide to pick up your phone,
a new match from Tinder, you can't get wait to get home.

You sit in your flat, shopping for men,
you swipe left then swipe right and start over again.

A wish.

Walk me under the moonlight Dance with me beneath the stars.
Kiss me under of the night sky, beneath Jupiter and Mars.

Swim by me in the ocean,
Sail with me through the waves.
Run with my hand in your hand.
Through waterfalls and caves.

Guide me along the winding roads.
Lead me into the light
Carry me across mountains
With snowfall crisp and white.

Lie with me under the sunshine,
Roll with me in the hay.
Search with me for happiness
In each and every day.

Time apart is therapy, to have different stories to share.
But the best stories I'll have to tell,
Are the ones when you were there.

Poem, The old wheelbarrow

"She felt forgotten, antiquated, awkward
Ill-fitted, incapable, unsuitable, worthless, barren, meaningless, mediocre, unessential and trivial.
AND A BIG FAT INCONVENIENCE.........

Her capacity for anything and everything dwindling as an over ripened apple loses its juice, any strength drained, sapped, starved and strained each time a new **** began it's desperate life, each flower that bloomed before her, somehow rendered her invisible.

Held together by the rust that life eventually bestows upon us all.
Tyres deflated, wheels that no longer held hunger for new adventures.
Nuts and bolts that had long since argued and permanently fallen out with one another, the rust settled between them enduringly as the woodworm to its dinner.

She was a sorry excuse for a once beautiful, strong and hard working wheelbarrow and she had almost given up................

✨️Ahhhhhhhh, but her wisdom!!!! All those years.......What of that?????✨️

She'd always listened,
absorbed,
but never knowingly spoke of this
What she had yet to learn,
Was that she had housed each tiny living organism.
She'd provided honey for the bees, and in doing so, life for the world.
She hadn't set any world records,
(No)

She hadn't knowingly saved any lives,
(Yes)
but she'd protected,
given out her wisdom freely
and all with so much love.

Absorbed carbon dioxide and fizzed out oxygen.
Given love in abundance and rarely asked for any in return
She had given a safe space for the thoughts, secrets and words of her sapling flowers

She'd been self sufficient, self reliable, independent, indestructible, valuable, knowledgeable, needed, wanted, desired, capable.... Oh. So. Capable.

The rust, the flat tires, the weakness of strength both in body and in mind, is just a part of being the best version that you can be.
To carry on regardless for yourself and for your flowers."

***It's taken me all **** day, but I no longer see a worn out and batteted wheelbarrow.
I see a vessel of immense strength, determination and an abundance of love ❤️

The ones you don't see...

We dream dark,
we dream deep,
we dream awake
whilst you sleep.

Reality is our loneliness
Our fantasy is real,
We'll take whatever we can,
just as long as we don't feel.

We live off adrenaline,
we don't know how to not,
We'll do anything it takes,
to make the emptiness stop.

There are many of us living,
but you'll never know who,
We walk, talk and smile,
just like the rest of you.

But our hearts are on fire,
And we need to feel alive,
we're the Clyde to your Bonnie
or the Bonnie to your Clyde.

We only come out at night,
Just as the darkness falls,
there is no point in fighting,
When the darkness inside us calls.

We will jump when we have to,
The stars our ours to take,
We are the writers and the artists,
We hide before you wake

You'll find us in the shadows,
Hidden behind our dreams,
Our minds dreaming of far-away lands,
Our hearts ripped at the seams.

We are misfits, we are outlaws,
the ones that you don't trust,
But if you're lucky to be one of us,
our friendship is a must.

We can not be tamed,
And we never fall in love,
Unless you are the one,
And only then
We never give up.

Wet hair
Warm towel

Arms wrapped around
my tiny shoulders
You were my first love

Wet hair
Warm towel

My daddy
My whole world
You were my only love
Back then
I didn’t see
Anyone else

Wet hair
Warm towel

Yesterday you died

Wet hair
Warm towel

My beautiful memory

Don’t adore me

She let them walk beside her, but she couldn't let them in.
Not since that first one, who'd crawled under her skin.

She did give in from time to time, even let them lay by her side.
Her body wrapped around their skin but her love she had to hide.

Their attempts to adore her, made her heart grow further cold.
As she'd known from that very day, that alone she would grow old.

What do you feel as you circle my mind?
The new happiness within me?
Or the love I’ve finally found?

I know that you’re waiting for parts of me to drop
Down onto the street
My mind for you to pick
Parts of my soul for you to eat

I watch you day after day and your song annoys me at the start.
Now it soothes me
Ive fallen for you hungry gulls
And your ever hungry hearts

There was a dead spider in my sink
I have arachnophobia so it made my heart stop
I just stood there
Blood drained from me
Looking at this lost life
Wondering if it had a partner
Or little spider kids
That would miss it

I felt sad
Yet still scared
Ridiculous really
Maybe it was a female out searching for food
Or maybe she'd eaten her male donor
Maybe it was a him
And he'd run away to save himself.

It was under the dish bowl
I wondered if it had drowned
Or just starved to death
I found myself curious as to what it last thought about
If it was able to speak
What it's last words would have been

Maybe it was relieved
Maybe drowning is better than being eaten alive by an unthankful lover
Or by being captured in my humane catcher which sadly often broke legs
Maybe it just simply thought "Help"

I'll never know
But I do know I'll think about him or her until I think of them no more
Which might be months

Give me the needle and thread I need,
to stitch my heart and stop the bleed.

Give me the cement to build the wall,
and feathers so soft to break my fall

Give me the fire to light the flame,
To burn what was, and start again.

Dark devil

We hide in your shadow
As the day light summons the night
the street lights caress your ora
As you begin your choreographed flight

We dance upon your footprints
Smudged glitter upon our skin
Twisting and jumping in great delight
Saving our minds from deep within

We’ve waited patiently with our angels
For your greatness to appear
We yearn for the balance of your darkness
Within us no thoughts of fear

Our angels fall back in time
for now you are our master
Our dark minds now return
We jump high
we jump far
we run faster.

Keep moving

Pack my life into boxes
        Laying down roots
Breeds friendships
        This I must avoid

Keep moving

They won't understand me
        For I am not normal
They will leave me
        And I'll return to aloneness

Keep moving

Then will come the tears
         Better to stay hidden
Allow hurt no chance
         To penetrate my bones
        
Keep moving

A puppet for your release

The first conscious breath of morning
A tiny sweet yawn to welcome the day
A long stretch under the sheets to feel my bones that already ache for you

Many hours to be filled before you arrive yourself to me
I lie still and the beauty of your not-so-handsome face appears in my heart
I adore you and your rough behaviour
Your heart cares nothing for mine
Yet mine wants to wrap yours up and show it that I am worth more

That look you send to my core when all you see me as
is a vessel
The desperate want you have to fill me up
I wonder if you close your eyes and think of her
Then I wonder not
You wouldn’t have been so rough
So dismissive of her
You loved her

Yet still
The excitement begins to creep from my heart and crawls down between my thighs
My yearning for you comes from a part of me of which I do not understand
You are all that is wrong
You leave me feeling incomplete
When all I yearn for is completion

My day will fill with any distraction
Deep breaths to prevent my pounding heart
Deep meditation to try and
Understand why I let myself
Be used
One text and you’ve cancelled
Just a puppet for your release

Hello my dear
My faithful friend
You've been away for so long
Come in,
Come in
I'm sorry the door was closed

Would you like some tea?
Can I slice you some cake?
Take a look in the biscuit tin
I always keep your favourites in

I'd hate for you to show up
To an increasingly barren home
With nothing to feed upon
So I've been busy baking

I baked a little self love
and sprinkled it with plenty of hope
I know how hope is the one you love to sink your rotten teeth into first.

I creatively mixed up the ingredients for self belief
Had to go to three markets to find them
They weren't easy to combine but the result was almost happiness

I can't wait to watch you chew them up, spit them out and re-bake them into self doubt
You're so clever!

Since you're here now, back in my kitchen,
You can use my hands to knead the dough
My oven to bake your heavy leaden, self loathing loaf
The one you know I'm drawn to

And I promise from today
The door will be left on the latch....

I still believe in me

Even though the bottle pulls me under
And the rolled up twenty sits eagerly awaiting my self-respect to slip on it's own ego
and fall into its self made trap

I still believe in me

Even though my confidence has taken its coat, and gone back down to the pub,
to meet with self doubt,
self esteem
and self hatred
They meet regularly
They are friends for life
For my life

I still believe in me

Even though my heart is buried under a thousand apologies
Caught in a web of tangled misjudged trust
with a master made from hindsight that
laughs whenever I try to escape

I still believe in me

Because despite everything
I'll crawl out of the bottle
I'll rip up the rolled twenty
I'll find self love
cut out and stitch over self doubt, self hatred and self esteem
I'll find my way out of the web
and tell the master that the
good thing about hindsight
is learning from it
That he has no power over me.

I still believe in m

When I was eleven....

Early spring rings
as violet and blue
in my path lie
Yellow heads
long necks of strength
Portraits pirouette towards
the young amber sky

It is here you dawn
upon my fledgling heart
It is here
where you loom
And steel my mind
Where you stretch me between the fields of cotton rich blue

Tightly cropped bales
statue beneath the sun
I am as young as the early morning due
I call out through eyes of poppy red
Heart fading from crimson
You’ve grown too far from view

Cut off my head
and sew it down between my thighs
Wire my mouth open
It's more use to me down there
At least it can be filled with the filth of an elder non-gentleman
I have become a **** in my quest to open my fathers eyes

If I bare my soul to you, will you still love me?
If you see the scars upon my skin, will you turn away?
If I run from your love, will you give up on me?
If I hide away, will you stop searching for me?
If my heart dissolves, will you turn your back on me?

I bear my soul to help you.
I have scars to provide you the evidence.
I run from you, to save you enduring my sadness.
I hide so that you never seek out my truth.
My heart dissolves, so that yours can stay whole.

Their voices call to every atom of you, they're never to resist.
Their musical tones, their faces kind, the amber behind the mist.
The tips of their wings, wave silently below, their beautiful form beneath the turquoise glow.

Their pull is so intense, you won't believe how strong, begging you to join them, down deep where you belong.

You're desolate and desperate, you can't believe your mind. The wanting you feel to join with them, to see what lies behind.

They promise you eternal life, all you need is trust. But someone shouts you from the shore, you turn around, you must.

We are monsters
You and me
Those non believers
The real life dreamers
They can’t conceive us
Too blind to see

We are monsters
We live below
Blackened mirrors
Cold dark shivers
The pretties don’t hear us
Our hearts can’t glow

We are monsters
We sleep alone
We dance underground
Our hearts wrapped around
The silence of sound
We’ll never be known

Theres a place in hell
for people like you
But not the hell that some
believe to be true
The hell they think of
is full of desire
Dark angels of lust
And ****** in fire

No this is a hell
You truly deserve
Chained to your past
And the hurt that you served
Cause your ego was ******
And you couldn't decide
If the lies that you told
We're wrong or where right

People like you should be burried alive
With only your guilt and the secrets you hide
You deserve to die with your heart molten black
With only your sin
And the clothes on your back

If I was a god and you came to me true
With reasons, excuses for all that you do
I'd laugh in your face and spit on your feet
And pray with my soul that the devil you meet

You think you're the devil?
You have no idea
The devil throws parties you wouldn't go near
The devil I've talked with a couple of times
Your not even close
You wouldn't survive

So continue to be, a **** if you must
But you're being watched
You are vile
You disgust
Close your eyes to the pain
That you made to be true
But know
Really know
That pain will **** you.

Long forgotten by everyone
Slumped on the street
They had injected her
Left her contorted
They had made her weak

How dare you judge
knowing nil of her dark past
If you knew
You wouldn't walk by
You'd see behind her vacant mask

Vulnerable and scared
She clung to every lying heart
Older than her years
New to the street
Stranger to the dark

You think you know her
From behind your ignorant desk
Your life an easy ride
You know nothing of her Mr
All she knows is wanting death