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..
..
Was it worth it?
Did it matter?

“No”

Your meaning to say, it was all for nothing..?

“..”

Hm?

“Nothing, such a wide and subjective term.”

?

“Without taking a chance, aren’t we nothing?”

..

“Hm?”
Back from class
Now middle of day
Coming back to it
I don’t want to stay
This place, it’s purpose to be a home
But to me it’s just a house;
I turn to music for relief
An escape from life lessons
And long conversations
Of long term subjects
Or avocations
I don’t want the future
So I’ll look to the past
But even those memories
Could never last.
Left turns to right
Down starts going up,
Confusion sets in
Then fear follows
My heart realizes it’s spent
All this time hollow
Like a lost boy in a winter storm
clinging to a small fire for heat
Until it snuffs out,
Freezing, and accepting defeat
To the assault of this cold, cold world.
First poem I’ve put on here that has a consistent rhyming scheme throughout the entire thing.

11/01/2024 - 11:15PM
The rain
only pours for a short while
And so
The parched flower,
enjoys its presence
To the utmost,
And in the tears of pollen,
A constant yearning
Keeps it empty through the night.

By god’s will
its roots are sufficiently filled
The little smidgen needed to survive
To live and breathe the liquid gold,
Becomes her purpose.
The evasive storm,
expected when she most blooms
Daren’t give poor marigold the time of day
Left in the piercing sun, she is
To dry and decay

Yes marigold is only one of many
Her constant failure can’t peak
The interest of the rain
Its beauty matched,
by roses and daffodils.
Even so
She pursues his soft,
pitter patter
and nourishing touch
And wishes to, until the gracing wind
Scatters her ashes across the sky.
0/15/24
"Could you sweep me off my feet, and carry me, comfort me, ask me about my worries..?"
Is what I want to say sometimes,
but I'd settle for just sweeping me off my feet, and comforting me
I'd even be fine if I could be twirled around.
Or if you just gave me a hug,
or.. if you wanted to you could hold me?
For 2 seconds?
rub my back?
Do anything

At all       ,           and I'll be happy.
My parched heart yearns for a droplet of love
Some sort of affection.. something that would change my life
They say you’ll know it when it happens, that it’s all in the hands of the above
Though these tempting kisses and touches have marked my soul
Tricked me into false emotion, I’ll never let up on my goal
My eyes, now blinded by the aspect of forever love, don’t light up with hope and courage anymore.
This one feeling is so strong, too strong
It has stripped everything of their value, love remaining in the spotlight.
Like a drug I’ve never even tried
Has kept me in a bind
I’ve gone crazy, not being able to bear the thought of living without it any longer
So I’ll push through the decaying desert, no matter the cost
A journey to grab the hand of Aphrodite herself and beg for her sweet tears of love to quench me of my thirst, to cure me of my despondency.
And should I fail, my final note will entail
The miserable, despicable, lonely life
That I’ll have ended with a heavy heart.
It was not Aphrodite’s tears that came, but my own. Me, a victim of my own game, lost to the constant state of the world
But it all ends with a happy ending
As it shows the true love for myself, and I
My one true partner, with whom I died
To arrange the wedding in the sky..
This takes place in the mind of a psychopath
But can describe what some have felt inside..
To complete a step forward
Might be intimidating
Especially if others have taken hundreds of them
The struggle of “should I?” Can make anyone feel alone
But just that one step forward, alone,
Can make anyone stand up and yell
“I did it!”
Beauty
By default
Is skinny,
Slightly fit

Stylish hair
Stylish clothes
Perfect face
Great personality


but there are ones
Who’s beauty is unmatched
In their hearts;

That with every beat
A smile
Is brought to those
Who dare
To look through
What shows
past the mirror
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Life, could you squeeze me any tighter?

Could you steal more of one’s own keep?

In honesty I’m just tired

For this marvelous, giving, horrendous, creature

Love is all I feel

Yet, seconds later evil is at work

And that love, again, expires.

A skipping stone leaps in my heart, but the surprise never fails

It neglects to sink peacefully in the lake

but gets crushed by an incoming whale

This marvelous, giving, horrendous creature.
Life is a funny thing, you might be in California, enjoying the beautiful beach, and a minute later your being drowned in the rain from above, physically and even mentally
Ive tried many times, to describe the messages I want to make,
The lessons I yearn to teach.
Often using, “feeling, pain, suffering”
Sadly none of these
Hold a candle to everything I want to say
so from now on
I will try my best
To speak in writing,
To act it out in words
Only releasing these poems to the world
Once they describe the indescribable.
Then, finally, I’ll feel heard.
When one’s insults hits a person’s head,
It confuses its flaws with weakness
It hurries to hide them
Ashamed of your dreams,
You let them float to the back of your mind
Your only goal,
To keep yourself hidden
But what does that make you?
What use is it when you,
Foolishly remove everything except the flaws
That shine through once a day?
Should you really let yourself
Be determined by the words of others?
Seems like forever ago
A dream adherent to the past

Though, not completely out of mind

Anxiety has drowned out the white noise, made everything go too fast.
What was a vast array of the world, only remains a sliver

To attempt a dance with that dream could not be so
Yet the urge to take its hand never fails,

Never ceases to make my courage seem pitiful, my self righteousness thinner.
And so it remains

A dream adherent to the past
Seems like forever ago..
Expectations
Are a funny thing
Some, have seen you work hard, be strong
High expectations
Others, you’ve hurt, shown little effort
Low expectations
In the end both can rip you apart
Especially the expectation inside your heart
Whatever it may be,
Your life can be consumed
With the goal of reaching
An expectation.
Your life,
One huge
Expectation
Don’t let your, or others expectations define who you are.
A butterfly
Flying,
Soaring,
Through the maleficent garden
Not afraid like the others,
Who burrow in the ground
And choose to live on the dark side of the moon
No, instead this one chooses to see
The little star
Shining
In the darkest of voids,
A butterfly destined for the highest of trees
The most charming of buds
This light however,
Has shown too bright
Blinding the butterfly from those
Burrowed in the ground,
Who brought it to its grave, unapologetically.
A sad day, where every petal of every flower,
Would droop
Where the sky,
Blemished by its death
Would pour rain upon the soil
A time in which every member of the garden
Would yearn for another
To show them the smallest star
In the darkest of voids,
Throughout this maleficent garden.
To my family member
Who was shot in Portugal
By his best friend
After he denied a chance at major league soccer
A best friend who he had fought for
But stabbed him in the back
For no apparent reason.
The funeral for him
Was the biggest any had ever seen
Because of his amazing positivity
And how he helped everyone see
The little star
In the darkest of voids
Our instinct in life
Is to have
A commodity we may rely on
for as long as we need it
A proper way to do things
That for years could be repeated
But if you see
The vast and open world,
The “unfixable” situations
About wildlife
And people of all sorts,
For what it is
You’ll find that no force
nor decision from a court,
could sustain a balance
Pt. 2
Though the laughs, and moments brightened up many days
Though you constantly lift us high
In between the lines, in all your closest bonds,
When your there for those around,
Is the reason everyone’s so fond of all you are
The reason why we’ll support you back
Cause between the lines, we know it’s true
All of us have had worse days than others
But you were there,
And we’ll be too
Her
Her
she sits
Crossing her legs,
Her beautiful hair waves in the wind
Glistening, like her eyes
Those eyes that shine and dance across waterfalls
Like the entire world
Is inside
Just as her captivating smile,
Slight, but elegant nonetheless
makes it worth my while
To keep staring
As she stares back.
Eyes locked,
Forgetting to breathe
Palms sweating, no message received
That face says she’s content but is that what she’s thinking?
Neither of us are blinking
This scary but enlightening feeling,
Renders me useless
While looking at
Her
Love at first sight?
Sometimes,
When just sitting in calm
You don’t have the effort
To fix the unraveling mess
In front of you
And so you wait and watch
Chaos unfolding
You, only a witness to the scheming,
Then blaming, and arguing
While in your calm, absent minded bubble
And you just feel
A little joy
Sometimes :)
Keep on running,
Keep on running they say,
around the dirt path

Keep on running,
As I see 3 of them my age
Getting put in an ambulance
their breath being provided by a mask
The scared look on their faces
Scares me.

Keep on running,
Even though my legs are shaking
And my breath is quaking, difficult to catch
Others have already fallen

Keep on running,
Even when I’m pushed around by more desperate runners
even when I loose my footing, I can't fail anyone else

Keep on running,
The pain in my entire body
slightly diminishes from the muffled cheers of the onlookers

Keep on running,
As I cross the finish line I trip and scrape myself on the concrete-like dirt
Proud of myself
But they all point to me, yelling
bringing my attention back to the race,
It had only been the first lap

Keep on running,
keep on running they say,
but is it worth it?
Maybe walking for some time isn't so bad
The magnitude of words,
   Invokes to each a different response
     Many use this power for evil,
       And release it among the unsuspecting seeds
         Still growing, now exposed to hatred.
           It is then that they will decide
             If their sentences will be in malice like theirs,
               Or if in their hearts, repairing the reputation
                 Of beautiful language, is a better use
Of speech
A willful decision


Swiftly prancing
Around the ballroom
My putrid soul
Watches,
Prowls,
****** stains
Marked on my attention grabbing
Dress
The ones who came before,
Fooled by the lust in their hearts
Now have passed
With beautiful red running down their chest
Their fullest love
Mine to claim.
And here comes 2,
No, 3 more
Wanting my
Essence
Don’t they know?
I’m here for theirs.
The muffled screaming
And desperate pleading
A little too addictive


Inspired by the song, “The Red Means I Love You”
By: Madds Buckley
Inside, I feel like I’m in a cocoon
Beautiful, exemplary tapestries
Marked on the walls.
But these tapestries were not everything.
No, curiosity won out
I wanted out.
And so I began to wail
While my ****** hands broke through
The comforting, childish walls of the cocoon
All the tapestries broken in pieces
No more beauty.
Now a crack in the cocoon,
Water comes rushing in
I tread it the best I can
While holding onto the pieces of tapestry
Depicting the tranquility of the world
Oh so dearly
As I continue to wail,
And barely keep my nose above
The pressuring waves.
While the tapestries disintegrate
The cold, harsh water floods my eyes
It burns
But I use my remaining strength to weakly swim over to the crack in my cocoon.
And use my ****** hands to shove it closed
Then immediately, the water is gone.
Tapestries start to appear on the walls again
And so I wait in comfort
The blood on my hands gone
Until curiosity
Strikes again.
Feigning happiness
Knowing you can be cast-off
By so called close friends
Some things you cling to, forcefully, because there’s nowhere else to go.
Looked into the mirror
I don’t just see me
But the haunting memories
That take a huge part
In everything I do
I see the grief
Of not just me
But the many
That weigh me down
More than 100 pounds
However
Past all the darkest thoughts
Is the vivid happiness
A step away from disappearing into
Obscurity.
To drown in your own mind
Is more suffocating,
Than anything
Walking along the shore
Feeling sore from emotions indescribable
Forced to live, silently suffering.
The only outlet being the salty deep reflecting the perfect sun
With all my strength, with all the anger of everything ever felt
I yell out to the open waters
Sobbing, breaking down in the rough sand.
It’s almost as if it speaks to me, in the form of crashing waves,
as if it feels sympathy
The only sympathy,
My heart is so messed up I don’t even know if it's deserved by me
But it’s either releasing everything on the quiet seabed
Or facing my real problems
Which are too much for any sane mind to take;
That is if I’m still sane
After all, I’m screaming at the ocean,
And it’s funny to think I expected a response..
To all those who think it's over, stay strong.

Your smile and touch; might just be a thoughtless moment
   But is what painted my sky
What has drawn my trees
   And grown my grass
To make my world.
    You might just be one letter
   In an infinitely long book
But without you; how could any of the chapters
   Make sense?

Restrained from hope
But retrained from fear

A sense of trying to grab into reality
Yes into,
As I’m out of it
As it slips through my fingertips
Like a thought could trigger fatality

Rivers running down my cheeks
But I can’t feel them
The sea salt scent trailing into my nostrils
But I can’t smell

Trembling from loss of light
Though a purge of blinding light
is within my heart
Telling a story
Of Already wilting flowers
being cut from their stem
Before being given another chance
Before they realize they’re wilting

Now I can’t think of anything at all
Except my shadows running across the wall
Like it’s frightened
Of me,
A madman
A sacrificial lamb

Scared of what I am
And what I may become.
Crack crack, you hear, the lens from which you view the world fell from your ***** hands, onto the cold hard ground.
You move too late. The people walking demand for you to get out of the way. In an instance you drop, the lens out of view. Left to be stepped on by the soles on everyone’s shoes.
Without it your left to fear, a tear falls but no one sees, you surely can’t.
Again you try to grab on, your hands shake, yet you succeed. Once again you put on the blurred lens, this time more blurred and cracked, and you continue to walk until your shaking hands drop it again,
crack crack, you hear.
Some say love is not but false

Others say they’ve felt it twice

That even through its faults it remains a gift to life

If I were to choose, I’d see it through

In hopes I might feel it too

That sweet and nourishing touch from someone who cares enough to love

For those who opt to not, in the end is also fine

And wouldn’t rot their chances if their unloving phase subsides

If truly they start, and become open to change

Then with clearer eyes, bad habits they must break

For love is a hurricane, a life changing phase, If you let it be.
Knock knock,
On the door.
I want to be alone

With each pound,
A little light breaks through
Giving me a glimpse
Of the tall shadows I choose to live with

The knocking becomes desperate
I can feel the urgency in the constant sound
Of wood splintering
I don’t want to move.

My shadows give me comfort
The light is too frightening to be in.
Why can’t they stop knocking?

They begin to kick
And kick,
The door remains
As if un phased by the toil of them
Who want me out

Why do they bother,
I’m okay here.
I assume.

The knocking slows to a stop

and one last, soft and barely heard
Tap
Somehow shakes me to my core.
Knocking my door to the ground.

The tall shadows are whisked back into the dark

The wood is filled with vines,
Burnt and corroded

And as I peer into the blinding light

I see blood dripping down
my own hands.
We can fall in love with horrible people
Just as
We can find comfort in pain.

The last “describing the indescribable” poem.
Conscientious of your footing
So I can catch you if you fall
Protective of you, and what you love
To defend against any targeted shoves
It’s not quite love, but it’s nice nevertheless
To see your beautiful face
When beating up whoever’s next
That dares to disagree
With you
Unknowingly,
You are taking the time and effort
To read what others make.
A big step in making writers feel proud
That someone read their work.
Unknowingly, your spreading joy
To the hearts of new, or old, poets
Thank you, readers
Most of the time we think
About all the things we could’ve done
But don’t pay attention
To the many things
We still CAN do.
The feeling of being stuck in regret
Can take us over
And only leave a shell of our former selves
Shackled
To the the moments where we could’ve done better,
Walking ourselves farther
Away from more great moments we could mess up,
And preferring to lock ourselves up
In the cage, that is, self-pity

The way out is just right in front of us..
September sky,
O’ how I miss
The summer heat,
The radiating sun, and vacations that come with it
Instead I must find solace
In the slight rain drops
Maybe a little breeze
And the scattered clouds
Across the beautifully drawn above
Now taking a step back,
Maybe the tinted leaves
Is just a necessary change
To move life along
Through the casting away
Of summer
And welcoming
the September sky
Just to move through life
Faking
A smile
Inside, rotting feeling
Trapped,
Inside a mirage
Shut off
From emotion
My brain,
Used to laughing
Used to happiness
Forces a grin
Masquerading,
The truth inside
I’m still me,
In a darker tint
Feel the beat
Beneath
Your feet
Let it shake
Your bones,
Let the lyrics
Nod your head,
Put you in the zone.
The melody
Taking your mind by storm
Been feeling it
Since I was born
That iridescent song
Music
A streak of light soaring across the sky

A streak of night intertwined with the moon’s eye

To watch them dance, among the clouds

To whom anyone gazing would sigh,

“A masterpiece.”
Sometimes,
We struggle to stay above the water,
Swimming with all our strength
When the soft, sandy floor
Is just one foot under us
Waiting
To comfort, and support
So we don’t drown in our own fear.
My first poem of many that will try to “describe the indescribable”
The armor of a true selfless person

Is beaten,

Scratched,

Marked,

Slowly falling apart

All so the people they care about go unharmed

At the expense of one’s wants

They want to help with other’s needs

Not for money, nor anything in return,

Is the true value of selflessness

A gift like no other..
A tribute to those with wrecked and wasted armor

Thank you.
Destruction
Between my heart
And head
Because they often fight
Both thinking they’re right
This internal war
Doesn’t let me sleep
In spite of all the white noise, and teas
Keeping me up, reminding me of everything
All my worries
All the decisions I have to choose between,
Until I decide not to make one
At all
But even then,
I. Can’t. Stop.
Both a blessing and a curse

The broken clock
Shattered on the floor
Smeared with regret
Was fixed when I entered one day
So I can move forward
Slowly
As time heals all wounds
At least that’s what they say

Move forward!
Thunder struck, melted to the core

A bond that lasts longer than any muck fire

Even when aspiration is bound to expire

Together, we’ll remain

two wounded soldiers at war
Your best friend is sometimes your greatest anchor,
With you through any war.
Often times they keep you from doing things you would regret.
This serves as a reminder, to not take them for granted,
And not to hold grudges against someone who has done
So much for you
To what degree will you let the hurt reach? It's in your control after all.

Will you finally trust in yourself, to stand up on your own?

Break down, and sob yourself to sleep if you have to

But when the sunrise comes up once more, maybe it'll be time for you to turn over a new leaf

And explore life past pain.
We strive for something more,
Peace,
That let’s us feel relief and content
But to feel that relief
There needs to be something..
Unpolished, impossible
In your life
To make the perfect moments;
Perfect
Light can only exist with dark
Another day, no feeling under the sun
again, when things are done,

does it matter who was there but didn’t help?
does it matter, those people who kept to themselves?

Maybe not.

Instead I’ll look to those who accepted me, who respected me
Who loved me since the beginning

It is not until this is realized, that it makes sense in our head
that true life begins, and our envy is shed.

Then confidence proudly burns

And feeling returns, the heat from the sun.
I wish for the earth
To stop spinning
so everyone around
can see the messes they've made
And the damage they've done
Oh, why can't they realize
Before it's past the due date
Of the world
All these people
All these stressful situations
It’s not my fault that I’m awkward
It’s not my fault I don’t always say funny things,
Have good comebacks.
So why is it that everyone around
Carelessly cast upon me their true opinion?
Maybe a little too true.
Every laugh
And silent whispering
Not so very silent
Ring loudly in my ears, in my heart
It all trails behind me, all my decisions dictated by the preferences of others
Harshly driving me into paranoia,
A cacophony of sorts
Sinking my mind, my soul,
Into a pit of insanity
To the point where I myself join in the slandering
And aspersing of my own being
In order to make it all stop. just for a second.
So I can please all those around
And calm my paranoia down
While shoving my true feelings down my throat.
The only thing getting me through it,
Telling myself it’s not. my. fault.

What am I doing?
Do something for yourself, don't let anyone judge who you are.

— The End —