It began 8 years ago,
But I believed I couldn’t
Since I was told I was too
Young or I didn’t
Understand what it truly
Meant

I found solace in a
different way-
A dangerous way that
only provided
The temporary feeling of
Something other then just -
nothing.


I battled myself daily, wanting
Nothing more then to vanish into
another life

Easily, another life could’ve been better.
I wouldn’t lay there
staring at the ceiling
or
physically causing harm
just to feel something -

As I grew older
The less I dreamt of a new life
and allowed the dreams of making
mine better

And as time went on
Things did seem to get better.

I cleansed my space of the
physical and negative attractions
That I’ve accepted as a lifestyle.

I started accepting
new people into my life
Even though I knew they’d
drift away in time.

Then I became an adult,
And this is the hardest
thing I’ve ever had to do.

I’ve been floating through the days
In a haze and I need a *******
Change.

I understand now more
Then ever and
On a much more
personal level.

But, it’s been 8 years-
Four years since it’s ended
And an hour since I’ve had
An old thought
Of allowing myself to
Repeat history.

But as I think of it,
I have been

Just in a different way.

Oh dear Lucifer,
There's a perfect ******* soul
For you to take.

Look ahead, not at your past.

When I look into the mirror
I see a girl-
A girl who hides behind her skin
I see a girl-
A girl with a look in her eyes
A look of regret
A look of sorrow
A look of a painful experience
I see what you've made me to be
I am a victim of yours
I am the girl they talk about
I am your victim
I am the girl you damaged
I am your victim
You're ******* victim
-
When I look into the mirror
I see nobody
I feel nobody
I hear nobody
When I look into the mirror
I see the fear blazing into my eyes
I feel the masculine of your hands beaming down on me
I hear your muffled groans and audible grunts
I am what you've made me to be
-----
I had a life
I planned a future
I wanted love
I wanted a husband
I wanted children
-
I wanted so **** much but-
I want you,
I want you dead
Buried six feet plus in the **** soiled ground
I want you gone
Banished to hell!
----
When I look into the mirror
I see the outcome of my most horrid nightmare
I feel the bile rising in my throat because you never fail to make me sick-
I fear you
I hate you
I ******* HATE YOU
But you're the only one I can think about.
---
I was raised
I was loved
I loved too
But you took that from me
You took so much from me
Confidence, you took from me
Bluntness, you took from me
Pride, you took from me
I believed in myself
I had faith in myself
But you took that from me
-----
I see you, Often enough
On the streets, selling dope
Riding around, lookin for ******
In my dreams, ****** me again!
You destroyed me, you took my womanhood away
You did this to me!
-
LOOK AT ME!
-
I can't walk outside alone because of you
I avoid alleys because of you
I hide behind tinted sunglasses hoping and praying I don't run into you
--
You changed my life in more ways than you can imagine
I am not the same person I used to be
I am not the same person I was last year
I am not the same person who completed high school
I'm not same person who politely introduced myself to you
I am not the same person my parents knew me as
I- I-... I am nobody
--
All because you took myself from me.

And your pain?*
     Unbearable
Your thoughts?
     Uncontrollable
What about your actions?
     Unthinkable
And your expressions?
     On paper, On a canvas
Are you an artist?
     If you want to call it that
How about depression?
     Minimal
Close relationships?
     A few
The closest may be?
     No one in particular
Do you speak of your troubles with them?
     They wouldn't understand
What is your addiction?
     Temporary Pleasure
But-
     With pain, of course
What is it exactly, your addiction?
     A razor blade

Silence lurks through me
Faint thoughts cross my mind
I've been fighting sleep-

Possession takes over me,
Leading me to the desk
Rummaging through the drawers
I find what I'm told to-

Sitting in darkness
Fighting my demons
Calling those of greatness
But none answers-

At the swipe of a blade
I'm walking on clouds
Once again.

*relapse

Just stop
      



              go away

Stop asking

                                    Don't look back


Keep going forward

            

             As far away from me as possible



        LEAVE



*As far away as you can ******* get

I've no words to express what I feel-
I've stared at the paper relentlessly
trying to conjure words of glory to
express the feelings you've caused
In me.
I've stared at the seeming-less walls
With no thoughts running through my
Mind.
I've aggravation because there are
No words for this poem.
I can't do what I'm best at because
I've no feeling.
No words to express how I feel-
Only because of you,
And your pettiness
-

Strong trees also grow to weaken
They stand tall, and broad
They claim their grounds,
They are known for their astounding
beauty in nature,
As well as their shelter, and their resources,
For as much **** as they can take,
The storms they fight, The diseases they endure
They still stand strong.
-
When they weaken, they fall.
-
Same goes for a Strong woman,
compare her to a tree,
She stands tall, with broad shoulders.
Who also claims her grounds.
They are known for many reasons
Reason for which aren't always understood
For as much **** she takes,
The fights, the drama,
She still stands strong
-
It takes a lot to break her down,
When she becomes weakened, she
tries to brace her fall.
-
Nothing can brace a fallen tree.

You tried to **** my dreams
But, no,
They cannot die

She* came, I conquered
I licked, I tasted
She moaned, I accomplished
I practiced, I mastered
She needed it, I supplied.
*Reoccuring

Your love were my weakness,
That made me buckle at the knees.
My heart were your treasure,
Which fit your key.
Your lips were my forest,
As I kept losing myself there.
My body was your vehicle,
Which you drove to insanity.
Your hands held the knife,
That I were blind to see.
My clothes soaked the blood,
That rushed faster then adrenaline.
You stood there,
As my heart were ripped in two.

Sooner or later,
It's one of the two-
My thoughts are
Slowly flowing,
Into suicide.

Roses are wilted,
Violets are dead,
Leaves fall around us
As something gets stuck in our head.
The light beams onto the silver,
But quickly reflects-
Sooner rather then later,
I'll start to neglect-
Blades are silver
They look good on skin,
But listen before you begin,
Wait until the wind breaks
Before you let the blade
Fall.

Can you keep a secret?
I haven't told a soul,
You're the only one who'll
know
-
Stop thinking for a moment,
Imagine A grey, humid sky,
Dry, brown grass,
Welted, pale red roses,
Brown, lonely petals accompany
the dry dirt around the stem,
Leaves being blown softly by
the chilly wind,
Dry, cracked pecans fall
toward the browned grass.
-
No squirrels,
No rabbits,
No birds,
No signs of mammels,
Only me
-
Imagine a train,
But a train of thoughts
Rushing through my mind-
Engraving itself in fine
calligraphy across the darkness
of my mind,
My thoughts telling what
to do,
Never ending.
-
But she whispers,
"It doesn't matter, nobody can see
you, only me."
I turn to her,
My bestfriend,
Would you like to meet her?
Come-
This is Razor-
Razor Blade

The curse of Oak Island,
A tale without a tale that hasn"t
been tailed.
It's a curse, but a curse without a cure
waiting to be cursed.
Sacrificing-
Witches, Tribes,
What lies  lye behind the burning
sake of your eyes?-
The head of the match,
It has been struck.
What's did is done and may not
Be undone-
Elizabethan Era,
Hangman's Knot,
Wrap, wrap, outta slack
Pull, pull, pulling, are you
Satisfied yet?-
Tomorrows fears brings tonights
tears-
It's almost like confetti, but
Tears fall faster, like
The rain being blown by wind-
Tossing and turning,
Swaying like a dancer on the
Hawaiian islands.
A fisherman's fears,
Caught in the midst of
a hurricane
Rolling, Crashing
Against the waves-
Except-
Except this is humanity.