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Ann Feb 2022
It began 8 years ago,
But I believed I couldn’t
Since I was told I was too
Young or I didn’t
Understand what it truly

I found solace in a
different way-
A dangerous way that
only provided
The temporary feeling of
Something other then just -

I battled myself daily, wanting
Nothing more then to vanish into
another life

Easily, another life could’ve been better.
I wouldn’t lay there
staring at the ceiling
physically causing harm
just to feel something -

As I grew older
The less I dreamt of a new life
and allowed the dreams of making
mine better

And as time went on
Things did seem to get better.

I cleansed my space of the
physical and negative attractions
That I’ve accepted as a lifestyle.

I started accepting
new people into my life
Even though I knew they’d
drift away in time.

Then I became an adult,
And this is the hardest
thing I’ve ever had to do.

I’ve been floating through the days
In a haze and I need a *******

I understand now more
Then ever and
On a much more
personal level.

But, it’s been 8 years-
Four years since it’s ended
And an hour since I’ve had
An old thought
Of allowing myself to
Repeat history.

But as I think of it,
I have been

Just in a different way.
Ann Apr 2017
Oh dear Lucifer,
There's a perfect ******* soul
For you to take.
**** y'all
Ann Oct 2015
Right when she betters herself
she falls sickening with the blade of a razor clenched in her hands
Holding onto that piece of metal
As if her life depended on it.
And history repeats itself.
Ann Aug 2015
Look ahead, not at your past.
Ann Aug 2015
When I look into the mirror
I see a girl-
A girl who hides behind her skin
I see a girl-
A girl with a look in her eyes
A look of regret
A look of sorrow
A look of a painful experience
I see what you've made me to be
I am a victim of yours
I am the girl they talk about
I am your victim
I am the girl you damaged
I am your victim
You're ******* victim
When I look into the mirror
I see nobody
I feel nobody
I hear nobody
When I look into the mirror
I see the fear blazing into my eyes
I feel the masculine of your hands beaming down on me
I hear your muffled groans and audible grunts
I am what you've made me to be
I had a life
I planned a future
I wanted love
I wanted a husband
I wanted children
I wanted so **** much but-
I want you,
I want you dead
Buried six feet plus in the **** soiled ground
I want you gone
Banished to hell!
When I look into the mirror
I see the outcome of my most horrid nightmare
I feel the bile rising in my throat because you never fail to make me sick-
I fear you
I hate you
I ******* HATE YOU
But you're the only one I can think about.
I was raised
I was loved
I loved too
But you took that from me
You took so much from me
Confidence, you took from me
Bluntness, you took from me
Pride, you took from me
I believed in myself
I had faith in myself
But you took that from me
I see you, Often enough
On the streets, selling dope
Riding around, lookin for ******
In my dreams, ****** me again!
You destroyed me, you took my womanhood away
You did this to me!
I can't walk outside alone because of you
I avoid alleys because of you
I hide behind tinted sunglasses hoping and praying I don't run into you
You changed my life in more ways than you can imagine
I am not the same person I used to be
I am not the same person I was last year
I am not the same person who completed high school
I'm not same person who politely introduced myself to you
I am not the same person my parents knew me as
I- I-... I am nobody
All because you took myself from me.
Ann Aug 2015
I can hear the dryness of the tobacco burn
Thousands of chemicals burning for my desire
I can feel the burn of the nicotine gushing into my lungs.
Thousands of chemicals leaving traces throughout my organs
I can smell the bitterness of the smoke exhaling into the air.
Thousands of chemicals surrounding me
I can sense the damage being done to my body
Thousands of chemicals killing me
I can see the dangerous chemicals of the smoke filling the air
Thousands of chemicals polluting the space
I can feel the cravings executing my need.
Thousands of chemicals made to fix me
I can hear the pulse in my head
Throbbing in the frontal lobe of my brain
I can feel the blood fighting the nicotine
Steadily rushing at an unsteady pace throughout my veins
I can smell the evidence on my skin
Reminding me of the chemical I am letting ruin my body
I can sense my rapid heart beat
Pumping my blood faster and faster until the foreign invader leaves
I can see the regret surfacing the space I currently am occupying
Making this one my last
I can feel the effect of my decision invading my body
My chemically invaded body
Ann Jul 2015
And your pain?*
Your thoughts?
What about your actions?
And your expressions?
     On paper, On a canvas
Are you an artist?
     If you want to call it that
How about depression?
Close relationships?
     A few
The closest may be?
     No one in particular
Do you speak of your troubles with them?
     They wouldn't understand
What is your addiction?
     Temporary Pleasure
     With pain, of course
What is it exactly, your addiction?
     A razor blade
Once again
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