I miss our Rick & Morty Marathons
and your attempt teaching me how to play Fortnite.

I miss the "I love you's"
and texts filled with blue hearts.

I miss your smile lighting up the room,
the gazing into each other's eyes,
and our quirky giggles
as we glanced at each other.

I miss lying by your side,
holding each other so tight.

I miss ******* anywhere
whenever we got the urge.

I miss our movie dates
and convincing our parents
to stay out late.

I miss our late night drives
and the way you'd mess with me,
turning the radio volume up and down
every time I danced insane
in your passenger seat.

I miss our first kiss on the rock
at Getty Heights Park
and our last in your car
dropping me off.

I miss sneaking out my bedroom window
and our late night smoke sessions.

I miss you sneaking up behind me,
picking me up
and throwing me into the pool.

I miss you holding me from behind,
looking in the mirror
as you whispered, 'I love you.'

I miss doing your English homework
and the inappropriate jokes
you'd leave on the shared doc.

I miss our long hour phone calls,
talking about whatever came to mind,
laughing hysterically.

I miss all your dogs,
but most of all Coco
and taking her to the vet.

I miss your family
and your mom's dinners
and persistence of getting me to eat.

I miss cheering you on at all your
hockey and football games
and supporting you through your decision
to join the Marines.

I miss getting caught,
and getting condoms thrown at us.

I miss our long texts;
good morning and goodnight;
good luck and it'll all be okay.

I miss "bby"
and "your my princess" to "queen;"
"prince" to "king."

The list continues,
missing everything about us.

But most of all,
I miss you.

Am I a door, who's lock is broken,
who's hinges are loose?
I'm being swung open and closed,
Swung open and closed again and again.

My hinges are rusted,
I have scratches and kicked-in holes,
My **** is about to be broken off.
Next I know, I'll be ripped off of my beautiful loosely rusted hinges and thrown into the roach-filled dumpster.

But I was put there for a purpose.
To open myself up and let those in who were in need of help.
And those people have ******* me over multiple times.
But that was my purpose.

My loose, rusted hinges
held on
no matter how many times I was slammed or kicked
because that’s what I was made for.
To help others,
no matter how broken they made me
I held on ,
and I kept my purpose.

As I laid there once more with your arms
wrapped around my waist, head wresting in my chest,
I whispered,
"something keeps leading me back to you, if only I knew."

You lifted your head, smiled and asked what I said.
I never repeated what I said but
you still grasped a little tighter and said,
"it's always been you, there's something about you."

At that very moment; same thought we had in mind,
I realized its not a "something," but a "someone"
and that someone is happily you--

Until an hour later after you held me,
you held another and that
'happily,' turned quickly to 'sadly.'

--Left to question why; question how,
but simply replied,
"I'm used to it, too many to count."

I need an answer.
I need to hear your voice.
I need to feel the warmth of your hug
and the bliss of your lips.

I need to know,
does she give you what you need?
Does she make you feel more than I ever could?
Does she hold you while you cry?
Is she everything you couldn’t find in my eyes?

I want an answer,
knowing the need is not necessary;
knowing the response will break me
more than I broke your self esteem.

Time passes,
two years to be exact.
But I need to know,
Does she sleep with my blanket,
the one I gave you?
Does she hold your hand as you drive?
Does she run her hands through your hair,
that you used to melt over?
Does she sit for hours with your mom,
laughing through the childhood memories she shares?
Is she everything you couldn’t find in my eyes?

I need an answer.
I want an answer.
A list of questions,
that could continue for pages,
but all I truly want to know;

Does she love you like I loved you?

You can’t stop loving somebody.
That’s not how it works.
Love, is love
And love doesn’t die.

True love will linger through with you,
Through all the guys you date, talk to, fool around with.
You can be happy with somebody else,
But still can’t seem to break the wall of loving your true love.

Because here you see,
That true love doesn’t die.
It will linger along by your side until the day you die.

And if true love is meant to be,
It will one day soon appear without a notice in the sky.
True love,
I love you, dear.

Growing up,
I have had men walk in and out of
my life.
Which showed me
that it was impossible to trust a man.

I was a puzzle
that could never be completed
due to it's missing piece.

But then I met you,
and you proved to me
that it's not that hard.

You showed me what self worth is,
what self love is.

You opened the door
that has always
had me locked in.

Your arms wrapped around me,
holding every fear,
every broken piece of me.

No one else
has been able to make me feel
so safe,
and so loved

You have engraved
a massive effect on
my heart,
my mind,
my feelings.

You,
my love,
were the missing
puzzle piece
that I've been looking for
all this time.

Self deprecation;
        a constant cycle of negative connotation.
Losing all concentration,
       where medication became an obligation.

Diagnosed;
          anxiety and depression.
Thoughts of contemplation,
I sit back, proud of my progression.

Years in the book;
       broken and used.
Stole back my dignity they took,
         sick and tired of the abuse.

No self-worth, I believed.
      Drowning alone;
No meaning, I deceived.

To feel alive,
     I wondered, 'how does it feel?'
Would I thrive?
    Or would I need heal?

Today I stand tall and strong,
       head held higher than the clouds above.
Preaching to others they belong,
       knowing how it feels lacking self-love.

Better now, with one goal in mind;
      Walking the broken through the storm.
All it takes is to be kind.

As the rain pours,
      drenched I'll be,
instead of indoors,
        hiding from reality.

Seventeen; that I am,
      ready to conquer any war
and that in between
          down to the core.

Off to college,
        leaving the past behind;
gaining new knowledge,
        attempting to fix mankind.

Proud of who I became,
      preaching positivity.
Not in search of fame,
      but in search of change.

In and out of highs and lows,
     coffee in my hand;
Dreaming of a world of love and peace.
       Here I stand,
              A Masterpiece.

craving the taste of your lips,
the warmth of your chest pressed against mine,
the heat radiating off of our bodies;

craving you.

In an unknown world,
to make a difference
is my number one goal.

Knowing I can't change the whole world,
but to stand by,
walking another through the pain,
could change their entire world.

And that's all that matters.

Forced visitations
weren't your determination.
Heartache
and mistakes.

Tore us down
like we weren't even your own.
You shut us down,
made us feel all alone.

The day you raised your hand,
I will never understand.
You lost all trust,
leaving us in disgust.

You never cared from the beginning,
how silly of me to thank you,
but as I grew
I pushed through.

I wouldn't want to be the person
I knew of you.

You taught me one thing
and that one thing is
not who to be
and who not to love.

I fell for your smile
I fell for your eyes
and your laugh,
oh how it lights up the night

The butterflies that flutter
every time I see your face
But I will never understand
what keeps holding me back

You should never have to apologize for being in love