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Maddie Cribbs Jan 20
Late night coffee,
with night time tears.
The touch to my body;
                    I disappear.

The coffee is spilt;
                    skin dented of fear.
Mental breakdown,
you are not welcomed here.

Hands clenched;
                                     intertwined with the sheets.
I lay silently
in the late night coffee,
               drowning within.

Constantly told,
                        this life is worth living.
That I troubled to hold,
                           sitting in my own prison.

I have my highs and my lows;
from I'm doing good, to
No one knows.

Wondering am I worth it?
No.
What's my purpose?
No.
On the road I go.

Too weak to carry on;
                          Razor to skin.
"**** yourself,"
                          lingered on in.

Ready to go,
                              God lifted the blade.
Slid down on the tiles,
                    "Forever," I prayed.
Maddie Cribbs Jan 20
Black wall,
                   dividing us all.
My hands outstretched,
                    hoping you'd call.

Living in a daydream,
                protected and loved.
Here I am now, seventeen;
                             still unloved.

Why can't I reach you?
Dad,
           Why?

Through this black wall,
                  I may not be able to see you
but I can still smell the alcohol
                   of abuse through this deja vu.

My eyes yet closed,
                 daydream gone away;
Vivid memories imposed,
                 every Tuesday and Thursday.

Images I cannot conceal
                                  of hands imprinted within.
Hitting rock bottom;
                              since then, I've been pinned.
Maddie Cribbs Jan 20
Self deprecation;
        a constant cycle of negative connotation.
Losing all concentration,
       where medication became an obligation.

Diagnosed;
          anxiety and depression.
Thoughts of contemplation,
I sit back, proud of my progression.

Years in the book;
       broken and used.
Stole back my dignity they took,
         sick and tired of the abuse.

No self-worth, I believed.
      Drowning alone;
No meaning, I deceived.

To feel alive,
     I wondered, 'how does it feel?'
Would I thrive?
    Or would I need heal?

Today I stand tall and strong,
       head held higher than the clouds above.
Preaching to others they belong,
       knowing how it feels lacking self-love.

Better now, with one goal in mind;
      Walking the broken through the storm.
All it takes is to be kind.

As the rain pours,
      drenched I'll be,
instead of indoors,
        hiding from reality.

Seventeen; that I am,
      ready to conquer any war
and that in between
          down to the core.

Off to college,
        leaving the past behind;
gaining new knowledge,
        attempting to fix mankind.

Proud of who I became,
      preaching positivity.
Not in search of fame,
      but in search of change.

In and out of highs and lows,
     coffee in my hand;
Dreaming of a world of love and peace.
       Here I stand,
              A Masterpiece.
Maddie Cribbs Jan 24
It's not about getting the prettiest girl,
it's about getting the right girl.

The kind, loving girl.
Maddie Cribbs Jan 20
The exquisite carnation blossoms through the thorns surrounding.
"The Flower of God,"
A woman's love.
Garden of beauty she soars,
High up in the branched cluster of pure love.

Hours of full care;
Sun shined bright, happiness it shall bring.
Handling, proper as can be,
For one shall break.
Decay, I become, manhandled and overworked.

Broken Earth she grows,
From the roots so deep.
Take a breath, I breath;
For I grow from a twilight sleep.

Rooted in the dirt beneath,
Buried deep through the Earth
In a beauty of love and disaster.

A flower with hope,
For the love of a man.
Where rain became a necessity
And a heart filled with grace.

His pure hands ran through the flowers in her hair.
Tangled and chaotic,
He wrapped his roots around her lungs,
one breath.
A beautiful put together mess.

A carnation that had not felt beautiful in the hands of another,
Grew to be admirable in the eyes of others.
For she grew through the rain and the dirt,
A beautiful chaotic mess I became.

Waiting for him to pick me up,
I gave up.
Gave up on waiting.
I grew my own garden,
Becoming wild and free.

I was free at last,
Realizing I don't need a man to carry me.
I opened my eyes,
Looked to the girls in need of advice.
Spoke the words,
"Don't wait, independence is key. Look around, a flower you see.
Stop and admire her beauty."

-Thank you, my love
Maddie Cribbs Jan 24
Consumption--
Egocentric narcissist.
That you are.
Father, remarkably absorbed.

Two years young, I was.
Fresh eyes welcomed to agony.
First held in the arms of love then passed into
The meaningless fingertips so sharp of an alcoholic.

A woman purely giving birth.
One, two, three,
Fourth I was.
An illusion she lived;
You nastily allured.

Three kids, alright.
But four?
I guess you had enough.

A turn.
A sight.
Dad, where’d you go?
One step you took
Closer to the ***** you consumed.

A better life we were off,
Until visitation rights ate us alive.

The liquor may have consumed you,
But nothing is worse than,
You, my father,
Consuming my soul;
My worth.

Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Alternating weekends.
Rivers streamed into oceans,
Caving into black holes
Into the dusk of ****,
We involuntary inflicted.

Wrongfully done, you lived.
Can’t take back the past you chose,
Not one this big.
Left alone four kids who were your own.

A vision I imagined.
A father insight.
Loved and protected,
All out of sight.

Lies.
Hurtful lies carved in deep.
Flesh and bone, I disintegrated.
Maddie Cribbs Jan 20
Falling for someone new
while still not over you
is the hardest **** to get through
Maddie Cribbs Jan 24
In an unknown world,
to make a difference
is my number one goal.

Knowing I can't change the whole world,
but to stand by,
walking another through the pain,
could change their entire world.

And that's all that matters.
Maddie Cribbs Jan 20
If I knew the last time I saw you
would be the last time I held you,
I would've grasped
a little tighter.
Maddie Cribbs Dec 2017
One text
One glance
One hug
One kiss

Then you were mine
and I was yours.
In your arms,
I was home,
safe and sound.

But you lost the meaning of love;
slowly letting me go;
drifting apart.

You,
my love,
my pride,
my happiness

please don’t go
Maddie Cribbs Dec 2017
Am I a door, who's lock is broken,
who's hinges are loose?
I'm being swung open and closed,
Swung open and closed again and again.

My hinges are rusted,
I have scratches and kicked-in holes,
My **** is about to be broken off.
Next I know, I'll be ripped off of my beautiful loosely rusted hinges and thrown into the roach-filled dumpster.

But I was put there for a purpose.
To open myself up and let those in who were in need of help.
And those people have ******* me over multiple times.
But that was my purpose.

My loose, rusted hinges
held on
no matter how many times I was slammed or kicked
because that’s what I was made for.
To help others,
no matter how broken they made me
I held on ,
and I kept my purpose.
Maddie Cribbs Dec 2017
Growing up,
I have had men walk in and out of
my life.
Which showed me
that it was impossible to trust a man.

I was a puzzle
that could never be completed
due to it's missing piece.

But then I met you,
and you proved to me
that it's not that hard.

You showed me what self worth is,
what self love is.

You opened the door
that has always
had me locked in.

Your arms wrapped around me,
holding every fear,
every broken piece of me.

No one else
has been able to make me feel
so safe,
and so loved

You have engraved
a massive effect on
my heart,
my mind,
my feelings.

You,
my love,
were the missing
puzzle piece
that I've been looking for
all this time.
Maddie Cribbs Jan 25
I miss our Rick & Morty Marathons
and your attempt teaching me how to play Fortnite.

I miss the "I love you's"
and texts filled with blue hearts.

I miss your smile lighting up the room,
the gazing into each other's eyes,
and our quirky giggles
as we glanced at each other.

I miss lying by your side,
holding each other so tight.

I miss ******* anywhere
whenever we got the urge.

I miss our movie dates
and convincing our parents
to stay out late.

I miss our late night drives
and the way you'd mess with me,
turning the radio volume up and down
every time I danced insane
in your passenger seat.

I miss our first kiss on the rock
at Getty Heights Park
and our last in your car
dropping me off.

I miss sneaking out my bedroom window
and our late night smoke sessions.

I miss you sneaking up behind me,
picking me up
and throwing me into the pool.

I miss you holding me from behind,
looking in the mirror
as you whispered, 'I love you.'

I miss doing your English homework
and the inappropriate jokes
you'd leave on the shared doc.

I miss our long hour phone calls,
talking about whatever came to mind,
laughing hysterically.

I miss all your dogs,
but most of all Coco
and taking her to the vet.

I miss your family
and your mom's dinners
and persistence of getting me to eat.

I miss cheering you on at all your
hockey and football games
and supporting you through your decision
to join the Marines.

I miss getting caught,
and getting condoms thrown at us.

I miss our long texts;
good morning and goodnight;
good luck and it'll all be okay.

I miss "bby"
and "your my princess" to "queen;"
"prince" to "king."

The list continues,
missing everything about us.

But most of all,
I miss you.
...more than all the memories we shared. I always thought it would be you.
Maddie Cribbs Jan 24
You can’t stop loving somebody.
That’s not how it works.
Love, is love
And love doesn’t die.

True love will linger through with you,
Through all the guys you date, talk to, fool around with.
You can be happy with somebody else,
But still can’t seem to break the wall of loving your true love.

Because here you see,
That true love doesn’t die.
It will linger along by your side until the day you die.

And if true love is meant to be,
It will one day soon appear without a notice in the sky.
True love,
I love you, dear.
Letting go of you took two years;
two long dreadful years.
Downed a few beers,
holding back all tears.

Here I am,
happier than I’ve ever been,
laughing at the thought of you
and all your lies.

Moving on from the broken and bruised;
bettering health and well being.
Sitting back breaking out in laughter
as you destroy the next me.

I would warn her  
I do want to
but the fact she sat back with you
and betrayed me
you can destroy her too.
Maddie Cribbs Dec 2017
The ****** of my fingertips
running against my back
arms crossed.

Dents of my fingernails
carved into my back.
Head down,
tears stream

Skin and bones,
Veins and nerves.
Sitting still as a stone
thinking of what I deserve.

From love and affection  
to hate and disgust,
looking at my reflection
but all I see is a speck of dust.

Used and broken down.
Can't seem to find my self worth.
Tired of being shut down.
Let my voice be heard.

Us women,
are much more
than what we are defined as

Our self worth and self love
are torn down
by those who see us weak.

But our voices
will ****** be heard.
Power and love
is what we prefer.
Maddie Cribbs Dec 2017
You broke me,
you truly did.

You left me with scars,
mental scars
that will forever haunt me.

No matter what good
comes into my life
you will ruin it.

You will be there,
screaming,
screeching,
and worst of all,
killing me.

I think of you ever single day
no matter how hard
I try to forget.

You beat me,
you tear me apart;
my mind
and my soul are too weak
to fight back.

You left the everlasting memory
that ruins all good
in my life.

So as I say sarcastically,
wanting to hit
and to scream,
I say,
thank you.

Thank you,
for ruining my life.

Yours truly,
your daughter

— The End —