i need the opposite of options.
i don't know a word for that
i just know that if i am given options

i will choose the worst one

I'm sorry that i had to start today on a bad note but
words just start overflowing in my head
and i want it to stop so bad
i meditate sometimes, but not enough.
i want it all to stop
just make it stop.

might only feel like my life is over
i know yours is still moving, so so so fast

im stagnant
i am stuck in quicksand
and i only like to thrash around and go deeper and deeper
until my head is under the surface and there is nothing left but silence.

I hate this feeling
this is why i do drugs
because i'm scared to feel like this
im sweating in my bed and i cant sleep
only now do i wish so much for nothing to feel
nothing to touch or smell or see
i just want to be completely, Null, i want to not exist


is this the tragedy we are all born with?
Do we all just cope in different ways?
is mine just drugs?
will mine take me out?
i am not that lucky.

this passes with time, things hurt for a while but they get better
you don't keep sticking the fork into the outlet once it shocks you once, right?
Wrong actually, that pain makes me feel alive
something to feel in my soul
so i continue to go back and forth, emotions felt so deeply i fear of taking my life.
On the hardest nights i have to write something to get the words out
or i will silence them forever.

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't lighter on my feet today
i have issues you see, so i check almost daily whether or not you still have me blocked.
but today you don't have me blocked.
what does that mean?
i'm only slightly anxious, but all i want is to talk
i don't want a relationship, i just want you around.

I wasn't who she thought i was.
after almost 3 years.
I wasn't who she thought i was.
i was never that person, but i spent 3 years trying to be.

I'm not scared to die no longer.
We promised to meet on the other side, my darling.
I think i am gonna go soon, i will be right there waiting for you
i will have nothing better to do, than to wait for you
so we can get back to spending eternity together.

I know it's terrible but your netflix is still logged into my laptop
and i go onto your profile sometimes just to see what you're watching.
at least we both can't watch the shows we watched together all the time.
i'm sorry but even knowing you're watching the office for the millionth time, makes me feel slightly better. it also kinda hurts, because i wanna be right beside you and watch our favourite shows again.

i'm writing this because, if i don't write it somewhere
i will end up finding a way to get it to you.
Amy, i will always miss you, in every waking moment of my life.
I wish we could figure it out
can we just talk please? can i know what you're doing
i see you in everything i do. i try to distract myself but it
will always be you who is tattooed on my mind
i miss you so much
i miss your presence
i miss everything. i miss you Amy, i wish you would come back.
I want the life we always wanted, i wanna work towards it with you
i don't wanna see you move on
i don't wanna see you holding another guys hand
i know you cant wait for me to do something to better myself.
but i want you here while i do it
i want to hold your hand while i do it
i wish you weren't gone.
i wish you didn't block me on everything.
i know trying to contact you would cause so much pain
so im just gonna cry over my keyboard
and write what im feeling.
it helps. but soon i might do something reckless.
im scared i wont see you again
or if i do, you'll be with the love of your life
or you could look right through me.
like i was never even a sliver of your life.

I'm never gonna delete those memories,
no matter how much pain they cause me
as i scroll past them in my camera roll
it does not matter.
i will hold them close like my first born
because i never want to lose them
like i lost you

looking back in time, only in my mind
i can smell the day i was in, feel the wind by my side.
the sun on my back, walking through back trails of a small
forest with my friends, looking for a place to smoke ****.
ironic right, but i never thought about how time pasts,
i felt like those moments would last forever
but now i'm further away from them than i have ever been
and all i can feel is a somber Melancholy that i am ever so used to

She said i would manipulate her
i didn't have a clue what she was talking about
but i think i do now
i sometimes blow up with a lot of emotions
and may have given her guilt to stay
which in my head, disgusts me
why would she stay with a person like me when i do that
i cant hold my emotions in check
so my emotions swayed hers
and made her do things she didn't exactly like
like making love to me.
I wish she had the strength to yell at me
and tell me how she really feels.
it could have saved us from times like this

when i'm feeling down i end up on here
typing out what i can
from the flurry of emotions and words
intertwined together in my head
they'll all be gone soon
only if i am lucky enough

I feel like i've written about you and only you
i wanna do something to make you feel the way i do
and i've said this a thousand times too
i want to make you love me the way i love you again

Why do you still even talk to me
leave me in the dark already
i know you want to
i deserve to be here
all alone
with the ghost that haunts me
its my ghost, we talk sometimes
i'm gonna be leaving soon
and you might never see me again
but the less you know the better.

I want to Tatt
a Halo around my head
so i remember that i'm an angel

You have so much pride
But the liquor cripples your mind
And you make a fool of yourself
Every single time

I like pretty girls
and pretty words
more than anything else
who let these angels walk on earth?
with their long hair and gentle face
i would die for any one of them

I just want to hear you say it back
every time i tell you how much i love you
is that so much to ask?
the way you reciprocate under your breath
it has me scared
i start thinking and my mind goes really fast
i don't want you to leave again
i wanna hear you say how much you love me back

Why do we do this
we both can't seem to leave eachother
you could stab me in the heart
or leave me in the freezing cold
i'm still gonna come back to you

You take your leave once again
but this time i was expecting such a tragedy to happen
i think i could feel you losing interest
i could feel you falling out of love
but i'm more than happy you might finally be gone
because you do nothing but confuse me

This time
it might've been real
she might have actually left me for real now
and i'm so scared
but i'm so high i don't care
once it leaves i am rushed
with emotions that were absent when i was in the clouds
I'm still gonna miss her too much for my own good
i need some downers

Oh i'm really done
done done done
i try every single thing
i beg and cry just to try help you
the 7th or 8th time i tried to call and fix this
talking to you was like talking to a brick wall
you didn't go anywhere
you found new problems
i say i can fix them, or try?
No she wont let me
okay, i'm done

I hate eating
i don't wanna eat
i can feel my stomach aching for food
but i don't think i could swallow a bite of anything
i don't wanna eat
it doesn't feel good
everything tastes like chalk

I hope you look back on memories of me and think
"I'm happy i'm not with that loser anymore"
I love you forever

Don't text me again
i don't want a long paragraph with a goodbye at the end
that scares me the most
closing the door forever
you don't need me but i need you
just don't text, don't say goodbye yet

I wanna fix everything i did
the stuff that nonchalantly came out of my mouth
was the loudest for you
i'm sorry i was oblivious to your suffering
you hide it very well
i wanted nothing but to help you figure life out, just as i am
but there's nothing i can do now
i hope i can treat my next love
with the love you deserved
i'm sorry, i love you

Okay
you have said enough my love
i know i have for certain done enough
i don't wanna live with myself after hearing your side
i'm sorry i ever crossed your path
i ruined your purity
i manipulated your love and i cant bear to live with that
i couldn't make you happy
how i wanted to
and it will eat me up until i'm a ghost

I'm sorry emotions take over every time we talk
i can't hold anything in
i'm dramatic about everything
i dont wanna be alive anymore
i have never felt more comfortable with the idea of bleeding out
in my room while listening to good music

All i do is take
take take take
i cant help it
im just a ******* hole to **** all your energy
i did not realize i have this effect on people
this made me realize
i am better off alone
doing nothing but stimulants and writing pretty words
for people online who don't care

I'm so scared i don't know what to do
i'm going to be so lost without you
i'm nothing without you

Every time I see another pretty soul
Get swallowed up by drugs
I die a little inside

If we go to the moon together
Do we get Forever ?

Back to trying to write,
trying to write poetry, while i hear music in my ears
i can see myself creating a song
or at the least, trying to.
I'm worried my music wont
make any noise.
I'm worried it wont make people feel the way i feel
thats all i want, i think i could do it in poetry,
now i just have to find out how to do it in music.

I don't get it
i stood still for so long for this to work
finally we might have the timing right,
so why do i feel like this one is amiss too.
I can feel your love, it feels real this time.
I just don't know if i can say the same about mine.
I'd hate for you to read this.
I promise i love you like i always did
but i think this affection needs to be from a distance.

I think the moment you find something that makes you happy without even trying, you had better follow it to the end of time
with enough energy you put into your passion
you will make this version of our universe your *****.

The party is over, music has stopped
and all i can hear is the cries of a young girl whose heart
had just been broken
bright lights shining down on my dilated eyes
slowly coming down from the sky
body still tingling
feeling your body resting on mine, a glance
at the blue sliver of iris sitting beside the black void
that was your pupils, she is the epitome of beauty for me.
Down goes another one for the lovebirds
back to the clouds
^^^^^^^^^^^

Oh, how lovely death looks
romanticized so much by the destruction i set upon myself
step by step i yearn for pain
the only feeling that is undeniably real
without the pain i would feel nothing at all
without the drugs
everything is hollow and my brain rots from broken relationships gone astray
once my plug texts back i'm back in the loop
no thoughts
no pain
no worries
empty
Death looks lovely now

We can lay here all day
*** every now and again
trips to get high too,
days fly by
is it Saturday? or Monday ?
i think we got together on a Thursday
i would let all my days fly by
as long as you were here

i tend to attract a lot females
is it the mystery i hold?
is it the toxic behaviour
whatever it is
they must love it
i'll use their bodies for my fun
but in reality
i only want my ex
and their just helping me drown all my pain in ***

once i overdose
i'll see the rest of you
in hell

I mean if im being honest the love i deliver
is kinda creepy
but it isn't when you're on your knees asking for
the nastiest things you could think of

Lay here with me till i die
please and thanks love

Empty
like the drugs you do

I could have only one night left
and i would gladly spend it with you
doing nothing
but enjoying the mere presence of your being
is all i would need to finally
rest in peace

I can still see exactly what you were wearing
the day i finally got the courage to talk to you
the necklace you wore was enchanting to me
but it was probably just the skin underneath it
hard to converse with you in the beginning
but i figured out how to get you to talk
i loved your voice so much
all i hear in it now is the animosity
that occupies your image of me