I wonder sometimes where shooting stars go with all of our wishes ?
will they ever be granted?

Unravel yourself you said
you said I have been bound up soo tightly
it is hard to even begin unknotting
it is hard to for anyone to decode the arithmetic's in my mind
you said I never let myself feel what I have never felt instead
you said I lay dormant awaiting a match

But I know of these foreign blazes that come and consume like a flame
sometimes I want to be immersed in their heat
it is what I crave
but I feel like the more I run towards burning fire
the more the smoke begins to suffocate

Your fingers were outstretched towards me
but instead of reaching forward and grasping my palm
you were taking steps backwards until you were a speck on the horizon
if you didn't care,you didn't have to act like you did
I would have preferred you wither away merging with passing of seasons

I can tell when your hurting
I already know when your unhappy
this tingly feeling is weirdly unnatural
My heart is jumping too fast and falling even faster

I'm scared of diving head first into heartbreak
plummeting into love movies and sad songs
I'm not ready to drink you away
so please can you stay with me forever ?

Now I have too much silence
too much peace
not enough pace
I think it is foolish to want a little trouble
but right now I'm floating on motionless water
with no storm cloud in sight
and I hate the stillness of it all

you can call me crazy for believing in love
believing in the chance of there being someone
whose heart is synchronised to yours

The tears slowly run down my face
Leaving a wet trail path leading away from my eyes
Dragging away my pain
Pulling the abhorrent images which I have seen
Washing them down my cheeks
Until they drip on the cold ground
Almost in slow motion
As I hear the silent splat of my fears on the pavement.

I was unhappy
I lived my childhood tiptoeing around  my problems
You were my problem
I didn’t really have a childhood
I didn’t really have “fun” memories
I had distraught memories of always hurting

You asked me why am I always frowning
How can I be happy when
I felt like i was going mad
I felt like I was the problem
That I caused it to be this way
That it’s my fault because I was too pretty
It’s my fault because i drew attention to myself
It’s my fault because I was asking for this to happen
that i would be returned to a place I thought was ten times worse then this
So I endured the suffering and the pain
And the darkness and my writing became my only friend , the only friend that knew everything
The only friend I could hide behind

The wind dances with the leaves hand in hand on the tainted outcast branches of the trees
Casting a playful shadow on my freshly cut grass of my lawn
The odour filled my nostrils
Tickling every nerve in my nose

The roads are silent but the occasional car that steers itself careful through the narrow roads that never seems to end as the darkness of the nighttime engulfs them

Then there's the lone black cat that saunters from house to house only at night
It stops and looks up at my window
I'm not really a cat person but this one fascinated me
It's marble green eyes , so hypnotic
I zoned out into bleak nothingness
I zoned back into the moonlit box which is my room
The cat was gone and I am staring at where it once sat

I move from the window sill that stood never moving to my bed
I went and lay on my back
I Watch the ceiling like it is a tv screen showing my favourite show

My mind found peace
eventually
I hesitantly close my eyes not wanting to block out the little light that the moon provided
In that moment I realised I find the darkness pretty and I wander off into a deep sleep.

Why do I keep checking my phone for a message I know I haven't received
why do I keep waiting for something that is non existent ?
Why do I keep hoping for a miracle ?
Why do I keep loving you ?
Why is it when I want to move on your always there with an outstretched hand drawing me back to you ?
Why is it that whenever you call I keep running back ?
Why is it that whenever I'm around you my face that usually says nothing is like an open book ?
Easily read
Why is it that you can see through my soul?
Why ?
Why do u do this to me ?
Why do u make me hurt ?
Why do u make me think ?
Why do u make me cry ?
Why do u make me angry ?
Why do u make me jealous ?
Why do u make me feel ?
Emotions I'm not used to cause I've been emotionless for years and haven't realised
Why are there so many unanswered questions when it comes to you ?

I finally decided to sit down and listen to the music that was hummed as you strummed on my heart strings
The song you played was a fairytale
Without a happy ending

Broken,
the key was broken in the key hole
so that door was never really closed
that's why it was so easy for you to re-enter my life

If I pour out my emotions that I've been keeping under wraps for years
it will be as a tsunami engulfing, drowning the depths of your being
as a hurricane does eating up your happiness and spitting it right back at you but in pieces that can't be moulded back together
as a volcano erupting gorging itself on the kingdom with tall walls and soldiers that you built
it will be as an uprooted tree with nowhere to go but to fall to the ground and lay disruptively there
my suppressed, condensed and packaged emotions are just as a natural disaster
you can't predict how much damage it will cause.

Unaccomplished
Insufficient
Unworthy of being hired

Unloved
forgotten
Not worthy of being remembered

Silenced
A little too quiet
Not worthy of being heard

goodbyes are easier when they are unspoken
but those are the ones that suffocate you the most

It's funny how life slaps you in the face and force feeds you unwanted experiences

vulnerability is a disease I wish not to catch
that is why I shy away from telling you how I feel

It wasn't all about you
it wasn't all about me

that was our problem
we were our problem

we couldn't get over the hurdle that was our self pride
and canter into happiness

we didn't communicate our issues
because the only place they were voiced was the back of our throats

we didn't work out maybe because we weren't ready to let the pieces of each others wool be crocheted together to form an imperfect cushion
that we could both fall back on

I can't even remember how to be who I was before the pandemic
I miss that girl that was confident-ish
that was hopeful
that looked positively upon the world
that loved adventure and sunshine

I miss her laugh
her smile
I miss her eyes that used to sparkle not with tears but with joy
she was just starting to leave her chrysalis
she was just learning to use her wings
her wings along with her freedom were claimed
all she loved stolen by what felt like a deadly gust of wind

Now I've just built up the strength to regather those scattered pieces of myself
but I don't think I'll ever be that me again

your eyes are wild
not everyone could see the crazy in them
the hunger in them
the readiness in them to devour my soul
and the readiness in me to just let you
because you consume my thoughts
you are my only thought

you could run me over with the car which is your words and I would still forgive you
you could leave me, without a trace , come back and cry those fraudulent tears to me and I would still forgive you
one thing I won't forgive is if you peel off the layers of my skin and plunge your claws into my heart and make it bleed
by loving someone else

I can't accept you leaving me
without a heart to fend for myself
leaving me in the wildness that isn't yours

Following your heart is one of the most dangerous adventures you could ever decide to pursue

My heart runs so freely
While my mind runs frantically after trying to pick up the scattered pieces of my everything left on the dirt path

I don't have pretty hair
my attitude stinks
I stammer and sometimes my words come out backwards
I'm not always going to smile, I can promise you that
I push people away and have a hard time letting them back in
I will never be easy to love
Will you still hold my hand ?

the frost made a pretty frosting glaze over the stiff grass
the wind nipped at my warm face and gathered at where my nose met the breeze
my nostrils inhaled the icy air particles
its winter now

I couldn’t just give you half my heart
I had to give it all
I didn’t care if that meant I wouldn’t have anything for me as long as you didn’t fall

I show you what you want to see
I show you what you want to hear
My face , my personality , my smile changes when you a near
It's only to make you like me
Would you run if I showed you the real me
Not that perfect image of me I created to impress you
Would you run if I showed you all my scars that have build up over years
Would you run if I confess to you all the sins I committed ?
Would you run if I tore down the wall that was hiding all my everything ? brick by brick if I reveal myself
Would you run ?
If I removed the mask and stopped the facade and showed you my real feathers in their rough tattered state  
Would
You
Run ?

is it possible to heal wounds that have been reopened many times ?
I think so yet those types of wounds tend to leave the deepest marks